Would You Give It Up?

This is a question for Doms and subs; and sorry this may be a long post but I need to clarify why I am asking this question.

Seeing as I have been invited back to another forum by a good friend, and the reason I had left was because I was getting into too many disputes with other members on certain issues, and got tired of being constantly flamed in private. I did go back and promised to think twice before I post again.
After reading some posts in the other forums this evening and holding back on responding to any of them. I decded to post a question here that has always mystified and intruigued me.

I have been given advice by others that I cannot change my b/f into a Dom.
I may be able to persuade him into a little bit of play, but if my sub tendencies run further than that, I should just learn to suppress them and be happy with what I have. I can understand that and I can make decisions regarding what to do with my life. I don't think that I can fully suppress anything, but for now that is what I have to do.

What I fail to understand is when these people involved in every aspect of the lifestyle, be it play or a Dom/sub relationship say they could give it up in an instant if they had to. I find that kind of an incredible thing to just take what you enjoy, crave, and have done for the majority of your life and just shove it away, without a second thought. They say that they would give it all up for love and sex. And I just don't get it. Was there some sort of distinction between love and sex, and BDSM or a D/s relationship that I have missed?

Here is my question - Would you give up being a Dom or sub for a vanilla realationship, because you found someone who wasn't into that and you really wanted a relationship with them? And also would you be willing to give up any kinky bedroom sex as well? I am just curious to know if you would and why.

Well, I'm not in that exact position, where all kinkiness is set aside, but my boyfriend has really toned down on being dominant. While I was living 6 hours away from him, it seemed like he was more into it. It is possible that he just can't handle the time it takes to be what I want him to be because he is in school. He used rope yesterday, which was something that has only happened once in the past three months (being restrained at all that is).

As far as giving up being kinky? No, I couldn't do that. I'll just keep bugging him until he gives in. Heh.....

Are you saying that your partner is completely against anything kinky whatsoever?

Well, I can't really say for sure if my partner is totally turned off by anything kinky, it has taken me quite some time for him to do a few things, like hair pulling and nipple pinching, but he won't go any further than that right now. So while I do know that he does enjoy it, he seems to want to stop at that. I won't push him, but will keep on suggesting in subtle ways to try other things. I can't coherce him to do things he is just not comfortable with.

Well, you couldn't ask him? I know that is kind of...blunt. I suppose it would depend on how long you two have been together and what level the relationship is on. Honestly though, if it wouldn't take the "fun" out of it, I would just ask him...at least somewhere down the line. It's not forcing him, it's basically just letting him know what you are into.

I'm not really sure that this "advice" helps, but in that situation, if the relationship was to the point that I thought I could tell my partner pretty much anything, I would let him know. Perhaps he's just not sure of exactly how far you want to go?

Never say never. However, at this point I will say no, I couldn't give it up. If you asked me six months ago, I would have given you an entirely different answer.

Nobody can tell you to give up your vanilla relationship. But nobody can tell you to give up BDSM either. That is something you will have to reconcile for yourself.

I think the balance of need, desire, love, etc., is different for each person. Only you will be able to decide what is most important for you.

I now include "Dominant tendencies" on my list of non-negotiables in a potential relationship. It is right up there with intelligence, sense of humour, ambition, and desire for a family (someday).

It took me a long time to come to the realization that I deserve to get everything I want. One thing I do know for sure is that every day you spend compromising is one more day you are missing out on what you truly want.

Well... i discovered, AFTER i was married, that i was submissive and what the cravings, etc. meant. My husband is not interested in the lifestyle, even though i have encouraged it. So, i went outside of my marriage to get that need fulfilled.

*Fast Forward*

Hubby found out about my Master. i ended it with Master and hubby and i tried counseling. Hubby still was not interested so i tried to "ignore" or "suppress" the cravings, desires, etc. Basically listening to him telling me i was "weird" and other choice phrases.

*Fast Forward 3 more years*

i had gained 80 pounds, was on anti-depressants, etc. i finally said, "screw it... i can't just ignore who i am" and found the forum, have met some nice people, etc... And am finally feeling like i am getting my life together again. (Lost 68 pounds, stopped anti-depressants, etc.)

So... to answer your question...

i think people can try to ignore their desires... but at what cost? That is the question in my mind...

I have given up my submissive side for a great vanilla guy who was everything I wanted in a partner (bar the obvious dominance). We were together for just under a year and it was a fantastic relationship.

For him, I'd give it up again. He was a really amazing guy.

I can't really imagine falling in love with someone in a completely non-D/s way.

If I did, though, I suppose I might well be willing to give it up for them.

Be who you are and everything else will work its self out.
Fake who you are and nothing will ever fit right.

hrm couple months ago I would have said I could take it or leave it..

But .. since I have learned some things which I think makes all the peices I had already picked up.. fit together more and work and especially since they have drawn me and the wife closer together ..
I'd not ever say I could leave it behind again... Nor would I try.

I agree with others that once you have it and try to give it up.. eventually you will become displeased with yourself and your relationship.

see what others have said on the board who got with someone who was the opposite and how the relationship has worked out.
Once you become Dom or sub it appears this open you up so much to being "More" that it is very hard to be less (vanilla).
Just my random thoughts on it.

Whatever relationship I am in, I will always be submissive, because it is an intrigal part of me. I think I could give up the kinky sex, but however wonderful the guy was, I cannot imagine finding balance or completion outside of a D/s relationship.

Before I was shown that I was submissive I tried, and it always failed.

Anyway, I live with a wonderful Dominant man, and have no intention of leaving him, and I also have a great online friendship with a Dominant man, and am very happy as I am. Sorry about that - your question just made me feel so grateful for the relationships which I enjoy.

cariad

I had lots of vanilla relationships while being naturally submissive. Never worked out right... never quite fit, some were very bad.
Since I met my Dom, life has never fit so perfectly. Would I go back to vanilla? No, I don't think so. This is my natural way and I'm grateful to have found it finally.

I have had to seriously ponder this particular question recently due to the path my life has taken.

No. Flat out no, I could not give this up. I would rather live some sort of wacky quirky fucked up relationship, than give up being Dominant, and enjoying submissives.

ID

It's odd that you should pose this question and me see it during this dynamic time in my life. I definitely understand your situation. I am in a situation now where my vanilla husband has found out about my online relationships, as well as the r/l relationship that led to me discovering my submissive side. My choices are to either walk away from the lifestyle completely....or give him up. As of yet, I haven't done either...i'm still trying to figure out how much this is a part of me and how much of a marriage I have left to try and save....Feel free to email/IM anytime...
-Medic

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Originally Posted by usafmedic22

It's odd that you should pose this question and me see it during this dynamic time in my life. I definitely understand your situation. I am in a situation now where my vanilla husband has found out about my online relationships, as well as the r/l relationship that led to me discovering my submissive side. My choices are to either walk away from the lifestyle completely....or give him up. As of yet, I haven't done either...i'm still trying to figure out how much this is a part of me and how much of a marriage I have left to try and save....Feel free to email/IM anytime...
-Medic

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My heart goes out to you.

There is no definitive answer to this question as every person and relationship is different. However I have experience of suppressing my desires because I thought it was the right decision to make and yet many years later I realise that I made a mistake. I think some people are probably able to do this and others aren't. It takes an enormous amount of willpower to suppress any form of desires though if you have a loving relationship where you are both sexually fulfilled I think it should be possible to deal with cravings for fetishes. It may require help and it would have to be out in the open as one would need support from your partner.

However I have increasingly come to realise that for want of a better word we all need to be selfish in our relationships to ensure we make the right choices. Everyone in this life has the right to be happy and to make others happy you must be happy in yourself.

For me this has meant making the biggest decision of my life and ending a twenty year marriage because I have had to suppress even the most basic sexual urges I had, let alone my desire for kinkiness. This has been and continues to be the toughest challenge I have faced in my life and yet I know that at the end of it the dark corner of my soul that has always been sad will no longer be there.

Good luck to everyone facing these difficult decisions and I hope my words have helped. I wish I could talk more about my situation to help others but I do not want to put too much out in public for various reasons.

I was thinking about this some more, and would like to clarify my answers.

If I was in a relationship with a Dominant man, and after we were committed to each other and had been together for some time.... and there was a reason why we couldn't participate in D/s activities in or outside the bedroom (health issues, etc.), then yes I would give it up absolutely. Commitment supercedes sexual desires when faced with circumstances beyond our control.

But right now, as a single girl, without a ring on my finger or a collar around my neck.... no way would I give up my submission.

I am not sure if I ever truly could be happy. Certainly not if I had expressed my desires, and was told to shelve them. I think after a time it would breed resentment, and the relationship would be doomed from the outset.

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Originally Posted by master 327-834-200

My heart goes out to you.

There is no definitive answer to this question as every person and relationship is different. However I have experience of suppressing my desires because I thought it was the right decision to make and yet many years later I realise that I made a mistake. I think some people are probably able to do this and others aren't. It takes an enormous amount of willpower to suppress any form of desires though if you have a loving relationship where you are both sexually fulfilled I think it should be possible to deal with cravings for fetishes. It may require help and it would have to be out in the open as one would need support from your partner.

However I have increasingly come to realise that for want of a better word we all need to be selfish in our relationships to ensure we make the right choices. Everyone in this life has the right to be happy and to make others happy you must be happy in yourself.

For me this has meant making the biggest decision of my life and ending a twenty year marriage because I have had to suppress even the most basic sexual urges I had, let alone my desire for kinkiness. This has been and continues to be the toughest challenge I have faced in my life and yet I know that at the end of it the dark corner of my soul that has always been sad will no longer be there.

Good luck to everyone facing these difficult decisions and I hope my words have helped. I wish I could talk more about my situation to help others but I do not want to put too much out in public for various reasons.

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~holding your hand as you take these steps~

Master and slave .. may your path be made easier as you share it together.

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Originally Posted by Wolfscout

Master and slave .. may your path be made easier as you share it together.

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Thank you


Anyway back on to the topic at hand...

Would I give it all up?

A resounding yes, sort of, maybe!!

I could give up the D/s relationship without too much of a problem, I think, for the right reasons, as in if it weren't "working" for one of us any longer (I know a lot of people would say "Yes, for the right person" but I have him already).

Stopping all kinky activity in the bedroom? Hmmmm, well it just comes down to what your definition of kinky is. I would find it hard to give up anal sex, endurance sessions, being tied and spanked most of all but are these strictly kinky activities by todays standards? (really hoping i can sneak anal and spanking in!)
Well, if for some reason my love decided that it had to all stop (really stretching my imagination now) then it defiantly would as our commitment and respect goes deeper than the bedroom.

~Please note I am saying all of this safe in the knowledge that I won't have to so maybe it would be different...~

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Originally Posted by cadence

Here is my question - Would you give up being a Dom or sub for a vanilla realationship, because you found someone who wasn't into that and you really wanted a relationship with them? And also would you be willing to give up any kinky bedroom sex as well? I am just curious to know if you would and why.

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No, or to quote Zapata. "It's better to die standing than to live on your knees".

Life is too short. It isn't worth it. I'd rather be single than have unfullfilling relationship.

"Here is my question - Would you give up being a Dom or sub for a vanilla realationship, because you found someone who wasn't into that and you really wanted a relationship with them? And also would you be willing to give up any kinky bedroom sex as well? I am just curious to know if you would and why."

I've thought about this a lot myself. People who know me already know I'm picky about people I get close to even without taking the Lifestyle into consideration. But at this point... no, there's no going back. I can't sit here and pretend to myself that I haven't learned all the things I've learned. D/s, at least for me, is so much deeper than vanilla ever could be (I repeat, at least for me), that there's no way I could justify giving that up for myself.

My desires are all about the mental energy. As far as the kinky sex goes... sex is important, and part of any healthy relationship. But it's the icing on the cake, not the cake. Having said that, it's only locigal that if I'm going to be persuing a D/s relationship, there are certain sex kinks that are pretty hard to negotiate out of that. And I make no secret of the fact that sexually I enjoy exploration, and doing what feels good regardless of what we've been told to do.

I do have this nagging fear I'll meet the "perfect girl" except she'll think all this is terribly freakish. Might not be so bad though. I used to think this was all terribly freakish too, before I opened my mind to accepting more than what I'd been taught in school. ;)

Some ppl can switch it on and off so to speak, something done purely for the fun of it and add some 'kink' to their lives.

I ignored my submissive tendencies for a Long time while I was with my vanilla boyfriend. I thought the same thing, I could try to just push it away and be happy with what I had. And I did love him. but it didnt work out for a lot of reasons.

However, Now that ive been able to truly embrace myself and be true to who I am, I am more happy than Ever. You cant deny who you are, thats what I learned from it. He never understood why I wanted to "do bdsm stuff". Still doesnt. But I cant hide myself anymore, and cant go back either.

The results may be different depending on where you start. Start as having a bf that goes out with you (vanilla), date him, and then marry him; he might or might not go Dom.
But: start going out with someone who IS a Dom; and then live with him or marry him, and your hands, wrists, ankles, nipples and other parts will get busy. Pretty much on a daily basis, even if you don't get him to penetrate you every day...

I don't want to turn this to myself, but I just can't help but think about my own situation while reading about yours (and others that have posted in response).

If you have a healthy relationship with your partner, where everything else is "perfect", or at least nearly so, then it depends on how much this lifestyle outweighs all of those other positives.

A lot of the time that I think about my own relationship, I feel neglected. I constantly worry that I am annoying him somehow or that I will piss him off. There are a lot of angles to look at my current relationship, and then you add the fact that he seems to of lost interest in the D/s portion. I don't know what is going on in his head, but even as much as we have talked about it I still feel the same in the end. I'm not sure if I won't end it because I'm afraid of losing everything or because I really think he's "the one"...

Honestly, it comes down to how you feel, what you are willing to give and take. There is a lot of good advice above that I think will help you...Though others have offered it, feel free to PM me any time to talk, about this or anything else...:)

Thanks to everyone who answered my question, I guess I asked this question because I was tired of hearing others tell me to forget about what I wanted and to be happy with what I have. It was interesting to read the different perspectives from others. I was somewhat surprised to read about some experiences that pretty well mirror my own.
I don't even think that I could easily answer my own question, without really thinking long and hard about it, and even then I still probably couldn't answer it.
I just feel that a peice of the puzzle that has been missing and that has alluded me for so long, has now been found, and I just don't know now where it goes.

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Dorkalicious
Well, you couldn't ask him? I know that is kind of...blunt. I suppose it would depend on how long you two have been together and what level the relationship is on. Honestly though, if it wouldn't take the "fun" out of it, I would just ask him...at least somewhere down the line. It's not forcing him, it's basically just letting him know what you are into.

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No not blunt, realistic though, and no I haven't really asked. He knows what I am interested in and knows full well what I like. And yes we have been in a relationship for a very long time, and this whole situation for us is not cut and dry. It is difficult to explain an 18 year relationship in a simple paragraph, so I won't even try. But thank you for your help, and I may just take you up on your offer and PM you one day.

I had no idea that the relationship was that long....My...I know that it would be impossible to sum up a relationship that long in the space alloted, not to mention the time it would take...trying to think through all the little pieces and sort them out. I can barely do that with the relationship I am in now, and it's been under 2 years....

You know where to find me :) And I have been on this site every day since joining it, I don't expect that to change anytime soon.....

Just breathe...don't push yourself. Eventually it will come to you.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

...to quote Zapata. "It's better to die standing than to live on your knees".

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I am going to take submissive liberties with that quote and change it up a bit to suit my feelings on the matter. "It's better to die on your knees than live standing." It's the same sentiment, so hopefully Tom or Zapata won't be offended by the subbie modification. :)

And that leads me to my answer. No, I wouldn't give up my submissiveness for the man I love. I know this because I tried. And I don't want to tell my story in your thread, but I can empathize with you on this. I, too, deeply wanted this BDsM facet as a part of my life. I also thought my husband knew what I wanted and needed. Turns out he didn't. After some wonderful advice from some really wonderful people here, I talked to him at length about Dominance and submission and he said he had no idea I felt so strongly about it. Now, we are talking about how we can have a more D/s relationship. Just the fact that it's being discussed is more than I ever dared dream.

So cadence, I don't think you should have to push aside your wants and needs. Being in a committed partnership should be about each feeling as fulfilled as possible. I realize I know nothing of your relationship. Even so, I will offer the words that were offered to me...be as honest and explicit as you can be and let him know once again that this goes soul deep for you. I will keep you in my thoughts, hoping it will work out as you wish and that you find just how it is your life's puzzle fits together. :)

All my best-
tessa

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Originally Posted by tessa

I am going to take submissive liberties with that quote and change it up a bit to suit my feelings on the matter. "It's better to die on your knees than live standing." It's the same sentiment, so hopefully Tom or Zapata won't be offended by the subbie modification. :)

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Beautiful. You turned the famous teenage revolt slogan into BDSM poetry. Nice.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

Beautiful. You turned the famous teenage revolt slogan into BDSM poetry. Nice.

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Thank you for allowing the liberty. :)

I've tried living without anything D/s related in my relationship, as well as having aspects of D/s only in the bedroom. As a result I have a failed marriage. For me, my submission is a part of who I am. I cannot just give it up. That I do have days where I feel "less sub" than others. When I am unable to express that submission to a Dom, or try to repress it, I feel a build up of all those emotions within myself. I've reached the point where I know (and accept) I need D/s in my everyday life. I cannot forsee ever being with a partner again who was not Dominant, because I feel the most content, happy and fulfilled when I am able to relinquish that control and obey.

I tried living without any D/S in the relationship or in the bedroom without realizing exactly what was missing until a few years ago. I tried and tried to explain what it was I needed, and the only response I got was that he pretended to listen to my needs and then promptly ignored them. I tried talking, leaving him a book to read and marriage counseling. Last year, when it finally got to the point that I was going to have to go back on antidepressants and was anorexic, I ended my 10-year marriage. I have seen a couple of vanilla guys thinking that maybe it was just a fluke or...something. The last one ended with the guy refusing to participate in bondage or spanking, telling me that collars and clamps were not sexy and that the things I told him I wanted him to do to me were "crazy shit." It just confirmed what I'd suspected all along. I'm a certifiable freak. Would I give it up? To quote the raven, "Nevermore."

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Originally Posted by Flaming-Redhead

The last one ended with the guy refusing to participate in bondage or spanking, telling me that collars and clamps were not sexy and that the things I told him I wanted him to do to me were "crazy shit." It just confirmed what I'd suspected all along. I'm a certifiable freak. Would I give it up? To quote the raven, "Nevermore."

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Maybe he's the certifiable freak? After all, what is beautiful to one is a marked mess to another.

None of us, not even the vanillas believe it or not, are freaks. We just are who we are. You keep quoting that raven, Red. And keep searching for your dream. Now that you know what it is, you'll find it in plain site one of these close by days. :)

tessa

just after I stop breathing. . . .

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Originally Posted by TheDeSade

just after I stop breathing. . . .

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Perfectly stated.

Now that I have found what has been missing in my life I would never go back.

Thank you all for making me remember again how lucky I am. :)

Yes, this past summer it seemed like I was going to have to give it up, and my husband and I were miserable. There were times when both of us thought we were going to part ways. But eventually he found the strength to re-assert himself and I found the strength to give in to his wishes. From the moment I started falling in love with him I could tell that he had a dominant personality, and I feel honored that he has been able to explore that side of himself with me.

At the time when I didn't think our relationship could involve D/s, I kept thinking about other ways to satisfy my desires. Since I'm bi-curious and he had said that he wouldn't stop me from experimenting with women, I thought about finding a Domme to chat with online or maybe meet in person. I also ended up taking out a lot of my masochism on myself at the gym, which resulted in a small reduction in frustration and a very hot body that has unfortunately gotten somewhat squishier since my personal life has taken a turn for the better. :) But in retrospect, I don't think I could be happy if I wasn't being dominated by him. I have never felt as profoundly loved and honored as I do with him now. :)