I haven't been here in ages, I know. I can't promise I'll be any more present, because my life is somewhat in turmoil. I won't go into things that don't play a huge role in what I'm about to panic over.

I don't know if I want to submit anymore. This is not a playful, "I want him to MAKE me want it" sort of feeling, either. I'm horrified just looking at the words.

I've sort of lost my sex drive, and I don't understand it. I have hangups, for sure, but I've always wanted sex, sexual connections, and that level of intimate control. I don't want it anymore. Don't want to go near it. Don't want to think about it. Reluctant to even DO anything.

I thought I had a reasonable grasp on myself, but I think maybe I'm not what I thought I was. Am I making any sense? I downright have panick attacks if he starts being aggressive with me. I think I even get a little angry.

He is wonderful, compassionate and supportive. But I got the feeling yesterday that I don't want to do these things for him... I want to do them for me. I want me to be my priority.

Do you all just think I am horrible now?