I don't know what I want

[delish]

Thank you all so much for your replies to my somewhat dramatic (maybe overly so) posting. I must admit that I feel slightly embarrassed over it- I can almost see myself flouncing as I say the final words, a soft but marked whine to my tone. That being said, Demon Dom- truly fantastic response. I'm grateful all of you told me to calm down, more or less.

I got up the courage to mention it to him. Here's how I phrased it, after having some time to think it over: If I am serving/submitting because I really don't feel capable of facing life without his guidance, then in truth, I'm giving him nothing. He thinks it's a positive thing, and we're discussing how much I'd like to step away from the lifestyle interactions. This is hard for me to do.

We also figured out that my issues with sexuality may be tied directly into self-worth and I may be having problems with intimacy, or I may need to rebuild our intimate connection before we build walls. I get a great deal of leeway anyway because he doesn't want a TPE, he wants it to be 51%/49%, which implies more of a partnership than a traditional submissive would like. I also get leeway because I have problems with anxiety and depression. Giving up more control is going to be very hard for him, but he'll do it. He suggests this will make me a better, more interesting submissive, and I hope he's right. I'm just afraid I'll find out that I'm not submissive anymore and we're no longer sexually compadible... I don't know. I just wanted to thank you all, though.

I'll probably respond with more long-windedness after sleep- but I am calmer now. (Oh, and he totally does the breathing thing with me any time I get worked up at all.)

[Flaming_Redhead]

If I am serving/submitting because I really don't feel capable of facing life without his guidance, then in truth, I'm giving him nothing.

I'm having a hard time understanding how you came to this realization. If you honestly feel that his guidance makes your life substantially better, what's the problem? There is nothing wrong with needing him. Is your submission worthless because you benefit from it? Isn't that what power exchange is all about? You're giving him something he needs from you in exchange for what you need from him. I don't know if there's a person on this planet who can live his/her entire life in service to others while expecting absolutely nothing in return. We all get something out of it, or we wouldn't be here.

[delish]

I'm having a hard time understanding how you came to this realization. If you honestly feel that his guidance makes your life substantially better, what's the problem? There is nothing wrong with needing him. Is your submission worthless because you benefit from it? Isn't that what power exchange is all about? You're giving him something he needs from you in exchange for what you need from him. I don't know if there's a person on this planet who can live his/her entire life in service to others while expecting absolutely nothing in return. We all get something out of it, or we wouldn't be here.

There is nothing wrong with needing him, but there is something wrong with not knowing, on a core level, that I could do it without him if I had to. If I submit because I do not believe I can make these choices on my own, what power am I giving him? I know it works for some people, to not need that basic knowledge, and I am not disrespecting that choice at all, but in my life and my relationship- and possibly this holds true for others?- that seems like a cheap tactic to avoid facing life. I need to know I can do it myself, otherwise I am not giving up anything. Does that make any sense?

To submit means to defer authority. If I have no true sense of authority over myself to begin with, what am I deferring, exactly?

Submission means to give over one's self completely; but without a sense of self... am I giving anything of value, really?

I understand that the answers to these questions will vary based on one's school of thought. You might say that it's not my place to see myself- my own value, that it's his place... and that is no more or less valid than to say it's essential... but I think it also varies from submissive to submissive. I don't think I can be content or grow as a submissive without knowing that I am surrenduring to him, and not just being defeated by life and hiding behind him. This is a very personal statement. I'm not saying that anyone else is doing that. I'm just saying that it's become a focal point in my own life.

He has agreed to back off of the D/s aspect of our relationship while I sort myself out. He wants me to be stronger and has no doubt I'll return to submitting. I have a few doubts, but I can't focus on them right now.

jeanne, I keep meaning to drop you a note. I'm going to do that now!

Also, I have my hormone levels checked regularly and there is no problem with my thyroid.

I feel more comfortable with this choice, though it is totally scary. Ozme, I'm not walking away from the lifestyle entirely... we're just sort of picnicking nearby, so to speak. Walking away would be a huge mistake at this juncture, and it's not something I'm prepared to give up. I hope it's something I don't have to give up, but self-discovery is always a scary proposition because it's unknown.

I suppose this will allow me to appreciate his influence in my life more, as well. Yeah, I'm apprehensive, but doing nothing has certainly not helped me. I want to be better and stronger, and I want to do it for me. Only then, do I hope to be able to gift him with a better me.

Thank you all for the feedback. I'd really like to hear back regarding my thought process in this matter. I know I've said it's personal, but if it's a view that is unique to my person, then perhaps I need a new perspective. Does this make sense to you? Is it grossly offensive? I am open to any and all stances. Thank you again, especially for your patience.