Ooookay *takes a deep breath* I have a problem. I don't know how it happened, why it happened, or how it could possibly be undone...but I somehow managed to completely lose touch with myself, more specifically the submissive side of me. Now this is bothering me greatly, not only because by now I'm (sexually) frustrated like hell, but also because it somehow turns my whole life (and relationship) upside down.

This has been going on for a while now. It was a stressful time for both of us, and I feel I have pretty much reached my mental and physical limits. I'm incredibly tense, and I suppose so is he...and for a while it was okay to blame the fact the we are both tired all the time for basically everything. However, I really start to think that something more is wrong -- with me, with him, with us...I'm not quite sure.

Please don't get me wrong. I know he is trying, and I know that I'm not behaving like I should or like he's used to me behaving. It's just that the most simple things and tasks have become so awfully hard to do -- it's like I have this block in me and can't quite get around it. To make things worse he does not seem to understand what my problem is, or what I want...and I can't even blame him for it because I don't even know myself, and the way it comes out is certainly not the most organised and logical one. Knowing this doesn't change the fact though that by now I feel rather let down by him...he says I only have to follow him, but he doesn't lead the way. It's easily said to "just submit", but much harder when you don't really know what to submit to. To cut a long story short, this whole thing has become terribly convoluted and complicated, and I've completely lost orientation.

I'm honestly trying to relax, but it doesn't work out properly. My threshold for pain has dropped to about zero -- I have become awfully squeamish. I feel like I'm constantly looking for something that I simply don't get...now please don't ask me what 'something' is. The result of all this is that IF we manage to start to play (which happens once in a blue moon at the moment) it simply doesn't work out. I resist -- although I don't want to, and with teeth and claws...and he just applies more pressure because he thinks that's the only approach he can take without losing face. In the end we are both frustrated, and the gap has widened some more. Or, if I just clench my teeth and try to get through it somehow with hopes that it will start to feel better again at some point the whole thing ends in tears...and really, it's hard to be only marginally turned on if you feel like crap all the time.

I'm sorry, that was quite a rant -- I had no intentions of going on so long *blush* We have talked about this about a million times in about a million different settings, and apparently it didn't help, which actually unsettles me more than anything. Anyway, I'd be really grateful for any insight, opinions, ideas, suggestions...anything, really. Can somebody please wave a magic wand and fix me? I'm at my wit's end and slowly freaking out...