victims of abuse support for submissives

[denuseri]

well here goes

i have noticed that there are a lot of victums of abusive relationships(some even on this site), sexual and otherwise, and that there are a wide variety of support groups out there for all the different types of victums ,,,,except one group, ours

where is the help for submissives that have been abused?

its right here, we are the ones that should support our own

most all suport groups outside the comunity dont address the needs of our own people, in other words they are vanilla, and lack the understanding that we as submissives and doms/ dommes share in our way of life

i am not advocating the exclussion of outside scorces for support(in fact i strongly reccomend seeking medical and spiritual support) i am, simply saying that we have a unique perspective to help abuse victums within our range of expertise

that is the reason i am posting this thread,

part of my own therapy was seeking out this site so i could talk with people within my peer group that would accept my way of life

yes i was a victum of sexual abuse in a bdsm context,
it has taken many years of hardship to reach the place i am at today, to be able to speak and share about it with others and i am very thankful to the people at this site for all the catharic help they have given me

yet i feel that as a recovering abuse victum its not enough that i help out the occasional girl or two i come accross in chat or the forums thats on the cusp of abuse or has been abused,(my owner supported me, who supports those subs without owners)

thats why i have posted this thread,, anyone that wishes should reply here with thier story of recovery, questions,or conserns,advice etc: or pm me if you wish for privacy i will make every effort possible to help you

perhaps if we all work together in this we may be able to really help a lot of submissives that are having trouble recovering from thier tramatic experiences


:my ordeal:lasted for three months, i suffered through pure hell at the hands of a pedator i wouldnt call a dom and his accomplices that i went to meet from an online chat,(not this one), without taking the proper precautions:
it took six months of corrective surgey to physically repair what was done to me, including dental work etc, i shall never have children because of them, it took allmost six more months before i could even step outside my house on my own, let alone be touched or have sex etc, i am very lucky to be alive, with my owners help ( he has litterally saved me) doctors , therapists, support groups, and this site, including many individuals here have helped me a great deal

i am not telling you this seeking sympathy, i am doing this for the benifit of others that have been abused, if they read it they may garner some hope of recovery for themselvesso i know from personal experiences what kind of things some of you that have been abused are going through

i once heard a dom refer to us as "the broken ones" well we dont have to remain broken,, we can heal, we can be fixed, we can recover, grow, and thrive (even enjoy bdsm again) with the right help,and the best help we may find just might be from each other


hugs and kisess for all conserned,

[gemmy]

*hugs* hunnie

You're right, none have to remain broken if they choose help and you're a doll for wanting to help xoxo

[ashtonDs]

While my abuse was long ago and not related to BDSM, I have to agree with gem. No one has to remain broken.

Talking with others on this forum helped me a lot. Even though I went to a therapist, it's not the same as talking to people who went through it.

When a therapist says, "you have to be a survivor," that's one thing, hearing it from someone who did survive is more likely to bring up the, "hey, if they can do it, I can too!"

ash

[butterflySlave4u]

When a therapist says, "you have to be a survivor," that's one thing, hearing it from someone who did survive is more likely to bring up the, "hey, if they can do it, I can too!"

ash

the other thing to remember is that we DID survive, ashton...and you/we owe those that went before us and DIDN'T survive, to be strong, and to carry on, and help those others that are going through it now...


thank you, denuseri for beginning this thread....your strength is amazing to those of us that are just getting around to living again....


Karen

[neitsyst2]

No one is broken...there is always a light. So glad for denu and her brave post. Thank you for speaking out on this issue.

[denuseri]

wow that was like light speed quickness,, thanku all for the support,, i only hope we can keep this thread open to help those in need

[crazy_grrluk]

plenty out there who has been abused in some form or another.. is just getting them to speak up and made to feel and understand that they are not alone in this matter.

we all ahve ways to deal with it... mine occassionaly comes back to haunt me and Master has taken a lot of time and patience to get me to where I am now.

my stories are around these forums somewhere both D/s and nilla.

cg

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

Yes, we CAN be strong and move on with our lives. We can learn to not allow our abusers to continue to have power over us. My own abuse was over a span of 10 years and ended 10 years ago. I'm also lucky to be alive, after a suicide attempt and a murder attempt upon me. And this was in a vanilla relationship. I think that if I had insisted upon making it a BDSM relationship (which I did consider for awhile) then I would be six feet under right now.

I probably should have gone to therapy for my abuse, but I chose to do what I have always done in a crisis. I chose to withdraw and focus on myself and my own survival and not to involve anyone else (my family would not have been there for me), though a couple of friends knew what I was going through. It was my Master who has helped me the most and has helped to heal me the most. I do still suffer from PTSD, nightmares, panic attacks, etc. But this time I am no longer alone and that really helps. And it also helps that this board is here with all the wonderful people whom I have been chatting with and posting with the past couple of months. Sometimes we all need someone to talk to, to listen to us, to help us find our way back to the light.

[SUBtly_shy]

Thank you for your post.... I've been TRYING to exsplain to my dom how I deal with my past issues and you put it perfictly... a complet withdraw from life in genral... I've noticed a number of your posts around the site and your always helpful and suportive and just want to give credit and thanks where its due

Shy

[newslave]

Thank you so much for this, den, gem, ashton, neit, Karen, cg, sister....

It is a constant shock to me the things that we as human beings, as women (though I would never leave our brothers in survival out of this) have to struggle through at the hands of others. It is beyond comforting to know that there are others who can share our experiences and that can understand the symptom of our terror. Our loving partners, even as they serve to help us heal, can never truly understand like another survivor can.

I take wonderful comfort in this thread as I did in confiding in my peers, in art, and in other things and, while I still hate and condemn the reasons for our connection, I see it as a huge blessing from something above that everyone feels comfortable sharing here...giving strength to everyone who has yet to find their voice.

Love and hugs to all...here and elsewhere

[bellelapine]

I think, in all honesty, that it helps a great deal to know there are other people who have survived. Many have lived through abuse in such ways that I could not begin to concieve of it. I believe one of the things that helped me was the fact my own mother had been raped by someone she trusted and survived. She was also mentally and emotionally abused by her family before this. This happened during a time and a location in the country in which if a woman was raped not only did she deserve it but she was a whore for allowing it to proceed.
My mom made it clear to me, when I was very young ( I developed way too early for my own good I think) that no man/woman has a right to do that to you. It is your right to say no (I made my choice not based on what my mom taught me but on the fear that I felt at the time). I think the fact I saw my mom survive and overcome it (she still has nightmares and some other issues) but she survived and LIVED. So often those who survive do just that until someone or something triggers in them that they have to do more than just be a survivor.
I realized myself that letting someone have that power over you (even after the initial incident) and let them dominant your life long after the abuse has occured is letting them win. Life is living, not just surviving. I'm glad to see so many of those of us who have been abused willing to step up to live to show their abusers that they are still alive and a little beaten but stronger for the ordeal.

[Euryleia]

Excellent idea, denuseri. I applaud your bravery in coming forward. You are so right that is hard to heal alone. It's great to find support that won't have the whiff of judgement that a lot of therapists and crisis workers have about BDSM.

I'm willing to offer what helped me for any who need it. Recovery is a long process that takes time but it does happen. It helps when you have people you can talk to about the event. Those who have survived can be a wonderful resource for those still making the healing journey.

[luv2havfun]

Wow! I think you are truly a wonderful, strong person for wanting to help others after going through what you went through. You have amazing strength...thank you

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by bellelapine:
I would never leave our brothers in survival out of this

bellelapine, I really do appreciate that. Often we suffer continued abuse at the hands of those who follow the abuser. Like what your mother went through when told she deserved what she got. Well, men are no different.

My abuse (verbal and emotional) happened to me in school by a teacher in front of a room full of classmates, over the course of a whole school year. For many more years I was haunted by what happened and lived in dread that any new friends I met would find out. Men are supposed to "be tough" and "get over" stuff like that. We learn not to say anything about it to anyone. It was years before I told my wife.

And then a former friend of mine, who upon returning from college on winter break, told me in no uncertain terms that only women are abused, men are abusers. Therefore, if anything happened to me I deserved it because the teacher being female could not be an abuser.

Although sex enters into this many times, it's really about power. The abuser chooses someone weaker than they are as their victim. It's safer for them that way.


Originally posted by butterflySlave4u:
the other thing to remember is that we DID survive, ashton...and you/we owe those that went before us and DIDN'T survive, to be strong, and to carry on, and help those others that are going through it now...

You're absolutely right. But sometimes when you're trying to deal with it and it seems to be getting the upper hand, hearing from someone who went through it and survived has more impact than hearing it from someone sitting in an office safe and insulated from all your torment.

Between this thread and the one on abuse shaping your BDSM I mentally feel like I've lost weight. (it's weird but I don't know how else to describe it) I feel lighter. Being able to share this and hear from folks who understand as well as from folks who draw a bit of strength from it is incredible.

I never felt like it was something I survived even conquered, until now.

Great thread denuseri, thanks.

----------------------------------
Oh, almost forgot...
Sometimes we do need professional intervention. Try the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap

They can refer you to "bdsm friendly" psychological, medical and legal professionals near you.

[Mr.FixIt]

Wow, you are awesome, denu! You and I have only met recently. I have read your posts, and have chatted with you online. I have held you in high regard since I have met you becuase of the boldness and strength that you speak with, and I never would have supposed that you had been a victim of such attrocities. You seem to have done well in your recovery, and I applaud you for your courage. stripey had also been through a long period of abuse in her life before I met her, and I understand, somewhat, what you've been through. But I would be out of line describing her personal matters here and I'll let her post on her own if she so chooses. I feel that I have been a supporting factor in her recovery from her history though, and want to add that I intend to support your efforts here in any way possible.

Thank you, sincerely, for your bravery, boldness, and kind heart.

[babypup]

thank you denuseri for starting this thread.

i feel like i should share my experiences.

like ashton, my abuse was also verbal and emotional but it was from the hands of my father.
he's a perfectionist who would rather try to "perfect" someone else's life than his own.

the abuse led me to be anorexic from the age of 9 to 15, and after four suicide attempts i was forced into recovery.

i was also raped quite recently, and i was told, by afew people who are close to me, that i should "consider myself lucky because i deserved more than what i got."

i would love to say that i have taken something from those experiences, and that they have made me stronger....
but i honestly cant, its something that i struggle with everyday and a good amount of time i dont think things will ever get better.

Master has been a huge support system for me, and i honestly dont think i would be here talking about this right now if it werent for Him.

[denuseri]

here are some other web sites that may help some in thier time of need:

www.SunrisePasco.org

www.paltalk.com

www.WADT.org

www.WIIT.com

i and my owner would like to thank everyone for showing such strong support for this effort, you are all very brave people for coming forward, i know how tough it was for me , the first time i did it right in chat, i litteraly broke down in the lobby, the very special people in the room that nite really really helped me alot, and special hugs for my fellow subbie sista that helped give me the strength and inspiration to begin the thread you are all very great people

hugs and kissess, i hope that the many subs out there will view our stories and gain some small spark of hope in the very least, especially when they are feeling the burden of thier struggle to become whole once more

you dont have to do it alone, there are others like just like you, the twists and turns of the journey we all must make may be many and varied, fraught with difficulty and anguish but that is why those of us farther down the path should and will reach back to help our sisters and brothers find the way

remember each day is a victory

[good_girl]

Like many others, the abuse I endured...and survived...was verbal and emotional, very different but certainly not less damaging than physical.
My spirit was broken, my self esteem gone, I didn't know who I was, I felt worthless. I have come a very long way since then with the help of counselors, self esteem workshops and friends (some from here) I am at a point now where I know who I am, and for the first time in a very long time I like who I am. There is till work to be done but I am now on the right path, this site and the people here have definitely been part of the path I needed to find.
Thank you to those who have been there for me...you know who you are *smiles and hugs* I hope one day I will be of help to someone in need

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by babypup:
i would love to say that i have taken something from those experiences, and that they have made me stronger....
but i honestly cant, its something that i struggle with everyday and a good amount of time i dont think things will ever get better.

I must speak for myself when I say that I can't take anything positive away from my experiences either. The things that give you strength sometimes are little day to day things. Looking back, over time, you see that you are different, stronger.

What you are saying here is almost exactly what I said years ago. (I didn't have a Master ) It will come. Don't bottle up your feelings. Don't just dump indiscriminately on whoever is closest either. Find partners in healing. Your Master sounds like one. Maybe this thread is another. If you need to talk but don't want to publicly PM someone. I'm sure anyone here would be happy to help.

[stripedangel]

Originally posted by babypup:
i would love to say that i have taken something from those experiences, and that they have made me stronger....
but i honestly cant, its something that i struggle with everyday and a good amount of time i dont think things will ever get better.

I must speak for myself when I say that I can't take anything positive away from my experiences either. The things that give you strength sometimes are little day to day things. Looking back, over time, you see that you are different, stronger.

What you are saying here is almost exactly what I said years ago. (I didn't have a Master ) It will come. Don't bottle up your feelings. Don't just dump indiscriminately on whoever is closet either. Find partners in healing. Your Master sounds like one. Maybe this thread is another. If you need to talk but don't want to publicly PM someone. I'm sure anyone here would be happy to help.

ashton, you can take positives away from your experiences. Please remember that you are an important part of this community. You came here on a journey that crossed through your abuse. You are who you are because of the life you have lead and if you had never suffered, you wouldn't be the person that you are now, and i happen to like you!

Horrific as our experiences are/were, there were lessons learned. That in itself can't be negative. We survive, then we help other survivors. Everything happens for a reason, i believe. You have your own unique experiences that will help others...that can't be negative either.

xxx stripey

[ShaynaTiedDown]

den your amazing! -hugs you-

[newslave]

This thread has power....and I can think of nothing but that to say

[stripedangel]

i think this is a wonderful idea...denu, you are such a thoughtful gal!

i must say, though, that i've seen issues arise in forums because of what we kindly refer to as trollers. We should have a system in place, and i do believe it should be a private forum. There should be a way to insure that abusers don't have this info at their beck and call. These trollers use the information to get into the chats, etc and bring great pain to those who have posted their innermost thoughts, fears, etc. i've seen this happen, and it's very traumatic when you're not expecting it and someone uses the story that bled from your heart to berate you. Of course, such a bastard would not be tolerated, however, the damage is already done...

Another advantage to the privacy idea is that we can all feel comfortable in the knolwedge that they can say whatever they wish, whatever they feel comfy in sharing and still be supported.

i know that most on this site would never do such awful things to us, but i also know that there are those who would reslish the opportunity.

If we could find a way to do this sort of thing, i would be willing to volunteer as someone to help monitor it.

This is how they did it on another forum and it worked out well, though it would need to be adjusted for our site, our use, and our ways...

1. They had separate men's and women's private forums. Men who have been abused generally don't want to talk about their experiences publicly, and i have noticed that with the exception of ashton (thanks btw hun for sharing), there are no men doing so here...though i understand that this thread is still very new. Some Women may not feel comfy sharing in front of men and vise/versa too...
2. If someone wanted to be admitted, they had to PM the owner of the site, with their real name and phone number-the name and number was used one time, to call and be sure that the person who answered was of the gender which they claimed, and to advise on the ways of that forum. This was to insure that there was no chance of a troller man to get into the women's private forum, etc....
3. It was a rule- whatever you wish to say, no matter what, as long as you're not criticizing anyone in there...be supportive in all posts when replying to someone else's thread.
4. Most importantly, what was said in the privacy of that forum and who goes there is never, ever discussed outside that forum. Of course, this didn't apply if you told your own story...but you couldn't mention others' stories, etc.

Some people aren't ready to make their experiences public, so those folks would not feel comfortable sharing in the main forums.

Also, since we have rooms in chat, we could have meetings to handle immediate needs, the idea being similar to a support group meeting in R/L.

As i said above, i am willing (chomping at the bit) to volunteer in whatever capacity in which i may be of service, and would like to ask miss denu to volunteer as well (teehee put ya on the spot), if we can get this off the ground.


xxxx stripey

[butterflySlave4u]

i have posted a link to this thread at the H&HSC, and will post it at the Sanctuary....this word needs to get out....

[Mr.FixIt]

1. They had separate men's and women's private forums. Men who have been abused generally don't want to talk about their experiences publicly, and i have noticed that with the exception of ashton (thanks btw hun for sharing), there are no men doing so here...though i understand that this thread is still very new.

I MUST respond to this! Not because I see this as a challenge, because at this point in my life talking about such personal things (especially in this setting) is no longer terribly difficult for me. So here is my story.

I am the eldest child of a total of four siblings of an old school Church of Christ preacher--who was not a very good preacher. We would move to a small town in the mid-west where he landed a preaching job at a congregation with 50 members. He would judge and tell them they were all going to hell, and six months later (when the housing lease was up) we would move again--to another small town preaching job, and the cycle continued for years; therefore I am quite well adapted to being the new guy in town!

My father's judgement didn't stop at the pulpit though! He preached to me at home too. He told me over and over that I was a loser, I would never go anywhere in life, that I would never amount to anything, and I believed it...then (BTW...I have earned a better, more respectable salary than him since I was 16 years old). I fought with my father, a lot, and it was ugly. I used to put my head through the drywall in my room in retalliation until I hit a framing stud once and knocked myself out! He never hit me though. He tried once. He raised his fist and swung towards me, and I caught his hand and said, "don't ever try that again, Jerry." I used his first name a lot, that seemed to infuriate him effectively. (I'm sure that you have heard that preacher's kids are the worst!) My mother always supported the family--she worked full-time and went to college to earn her nursing degree. She was the dominant one and he hated that! He really hated that. My mother would act as the referee between us and she always got the losing end of the stick, but I was glad that someone was trying to stand up for me. Once after a really heated argument between my father and my teen-aged self (you know--the whole "your worthless thing"), my mother took me out for a drive. I thought it was cool that she was taking me out for a drive and having a conversation with me as if I was a grown adult, but didn't realize I was too young to have such a conversation------this isn't going where you think, you bunch of Freudians! lol. She told me that she wanted to take all of us kids (me and my younger sisters and brother) and leave my father. I explained that it was only me and my father that couldn't get along (I felt that it was all my fault--because he repeatedly told me so). I convinced my mother that I would move out of the house at the age of 17, and everything would be OK for my brother and sisters. In hindsight, I realize now that everything was NOT OK for my brother and sisters, and I had created a weakness for my mother in her moment of strength and resolve. I then avoided him for the next year--I rarely came home--I mostly lived at my friend's house, and I allowed myself to feel responsible for the whole family problem.

I was entirely self-concious, and I had zero self-esteem. My friend's stepfather who was clearly homosexual (in a small rural Texas town) said things that made me feel better about myself. Mind you, my self-esteem was so bad that I didn't even look people in the eye at school. I used to count the tiles in the floor between classes. I was not homosexual, and I DO NOT judge those who might be. But, he made me feel good about myself. One day I went by my friend's house, as I always did, and no one was home but his stepfather. He told me that I was a pretty-boy, and that someday all of the girls would want to get to know me. I don't quite remember how we ended up in his bed, but he sucked my cock. He was the first that I had ever been with sexually--male or female. He told me things like "you CAN move you know." I enjoyed it, and I was disgusted at the same time--it felt wrong--and good--and wrong. Someone was paying attention to me though, as no one ever had.

There's more: I remember when I was VERY young, but obviously still old enough to remember (which is what disturbs me most of all) showering with my father and asking him why his "privates" were so much larger than mine. Typing this, I am now recalling his answer that I will not share and is more disturbing to me.

There's more: from about the age of 5, for reasons that I CANNOT understand or recall, I began............................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...........I CANNOT tell the rest, here, or anywhere. There is no good way of explaining it that will help you to understand that I was the victim and the victimizer. I typed it all out once, stripey came in and read it, and correctly said that is was too much. She is the only one that I have told ALL to.

But now: I know who I am. I have worked all of my teen-aged and adult life to prove (to myself and for others' approval) that I am worthy, worthwile, and honorable. There were times in my life that I didn't feel like living. But when I met stripey, I knew she needed me and that I was, indeed, worthy, worthwhile, and could be honorable. (My father still, still, still, does not approve of my life, my decisions, or my stripey, but FUCK him and his little opinions).

My point to this all is: I now understand better who I am, because of where I have been. I am stronger now, for what I have been through. Oh sure, I still seek approval, especialy from stripey even though I am her Master! But our past experiences have made us perfect for suporting each other. And men, even dominant men, can share (most of) their abused experiences!

Thank you stripey, for honoring me by giving yourself to me entirely. I love you peaches! I have made a lot of mistakes, but as long as you will tolerate it, I will be here for you. As our boy once said, "Daddy can fix anything!"

[denuseri]

well i am certianly open to whatever ideas everyone has for this thing,, i think we should keep this thread open to the general public though,, and mabey put up links for more private venues to help those that are not comfortable talking openly,

i really belive that even people that havent experienced abuse can help here too

i know that exposing ourselves is difficult, it may indeed bring on some trolls, but they better have brass ones if they come trolling here on this forum ,,winks weg

we can also arrange a few meetings between us, in a private chat room at any time convienent for us,,

kinda like a conference call lol,

also, i am open for anyone that wants to pm me for help,, i fully understand some people will want (paticularlly this topic) kept private

[butterflySlave4u]

and please remember, that the "Sanctuary" (not the H&HSC, but the Sanctuary, a members only group, PM lilangel or any moderator for info) IS, in fact, a private closed group....

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by stripedangel:
you can take positives away from your experiences

What I was trying to say is that I can't take positives away from my abuse experience. Now I can, and do, see positives in what happened after, and one of them is meeting all you good folks here, and sharing stories and support together.

You all can't (well some of you can, now that I think about you) imagine how much better I feel since coming to this forum. All this was bottled up for so long and I kept it hidden. It's the first time I feel like I have someting to say, something that's important and can help other people who suffered abuse.

And to anyone who can't bring themselves to speak up. Just follow the thread and see you are not alone. When you are ready to speak you won't be able to shut up. (It happens to me on this subject all the time now. I was just going to post an, "aw shucks, thanks," to stripedangel and I'm still typing away...lol) Anyway, when you are ready to speak, we will be here to listen.

stripedangel, (oops, I mean stripey) thanks. You are very special.

[stripedangel]

Oh, butterfly, i wasn't aware of the sanctuary, guess i hadn't paid much attention, thanks for pointing it out! Well, then it looks like we're in business!

........thanks ashton for the complement, you're a sweety! i believe that helping others through their issues is very theraputic. We're all able to see the progress of each other and can take encouragement from it.

denu, i totally agree!! u so smart sista!

Huggles y'all!

[denuseri]

ok well do yu all think we should like have a private room meeting in chat or somthing to disscuss how to organize our efforts?