More than one sub...

[Qmoq]

Ok, I know it’s not like me to be serious, but... This was prompted by a question that sheepish(DW) asked in the Friday Five the other week, and I’ve been wondering whether I should ask it properly or not.

Firstly, no offence is meant, and I’m trying not to judge. I love you all. Even you in the back row. Yep.

[From now on, I’ll use male “dom” for dominant and female “sub” for submissives, though I’m sure it happens the other way and in between as well.]

It concerns the fact that a lot of dominants out there have more than one submissive. I’m not going to mention any people by name, and I’ve seen many more than one example of both successful and unsuccessful outcomes. So if you think I’m talking about you, I might not be.

I’m curious to understand how it can work. I’m rather sceptical about it, to be frank, though I am willing to be convinced.

Firstly, I’ll explain why I’m sceptical.

There have been considerable numbers of posts from doms and subs about how precious and intimate the d/s relationship can be. Quite a few seem to suggest that it’s more powerful than “normal” love, because of the trust and intimacy involved. Many happy subs will say “he knows me better than I know myself”, which is particularly touching.

So, if there is such potent trust and intimacy, how can a dom have more than one sub?

I’ve seen recent accounts of how some sub-pairs are happy and friendly. All well and good - I’ll come to them in a moment.

But I’ve heard at least two accounts where a one-to-one dom/sub relationship was horribly scarred for the existing sub by the introduction of a second sub. The first sub felt betrayed and less desirable - certainly less special.

Being a ‘glass half full’ kind of chap when it comes to BDSM, I really want to hear from those currently in successful multi-sub relationships. Unfortunately, I tend to ask rather direct questions, so apologies if the interrogation is brutal. This is not the Friday Five, you’re not compelled to answer by the luscious Mina. If you want to keep your relationship private, that’s up to you.

For the dom, I’d like to know:
1. Why do you think it’s working, when other similar relationships have failed?

2. If one of your charges complained, what would you do?

3. Why did you take on a second sub?

4. Do you think either sub might not be totally truthful about having a rival for their affections, because they are worried that they might be the one who is dropped (or equally, because they like the other sub and don’t want to see them hurt)? This includes their response to this thread.

5. How would you respond to an ultimatum? Most good doms on this site aren’t the “my way or the highway” kind of chap.

6. Do you ever feel as though you can’t spend enough time with each sub? If so, can you clarify question three?

For the sub, my questions are similar, but from the other side:
1. Would you be more content if you were the only sub, or are you really happier being in a three-way relationship? If so, why?

2. When you have no contact with your dom for a while, do you get jealous? Do you think he is concentrating on the other sub?

3. Would you ever consider issuing an ultimatum (“If I can’t be the only one, it has to end.”)?

4. What did you feel when the second (or third etc) sub was brought into the relationship? Or, if you were the second, how did you feel about the first sub?

If there are any people out there in a one-on-one relationship, I’d like to hear your opinion too - pick and choose the appropriate questions, but turn them into a “what if” scenario.

Yes, you may have guessed, I am quite a sceptic about multi-sub relationships. Having plenty of play partners is not a problem to me - having more than one soulmate seems to be a paradox.

Maybe, because I have yet to find that special someone, maybe there is a little jealousy. (I know that you’re all suspecting me of thinking “Why does he have two wonderful people, when I’ve not found one?” and I’d be a liar if I didn’t say that I do think that at times.)

Having said that, when I understood the intimacy in a BDSM relationship, I doubted that one-to-many relationships could work in practice - and that was long before I came to these forums. I can step back far enough from my emotions to put this scenario under the microscope, and I still think my questions are valid!

I do hope I’ve not offended anyone, though. I’m just curious and unconvinced, is all. Convince me!

Thanks. Q xx

[TomOfSweden]

I'd really love to know since I've never ever had a slave who would even contemplate sharing me with another women, (besides in situations like group sex parties and stuff like it). I'd love to have several slaves, and I would imagine that it would make housework a whole lot easier.

[Radiance]

Qmoq.

Ive never understood if you make your main Sub your love online and collar them why do they need more subs.I think greed is more an issue,The Domme/Dom should be as loyal to there partner.If there not happy with the one on one release them, being second .third or fourth isnt nice, makes your collared sub look like there not forfilling the needs of the Dom/Domme, .But to answer you fairly Q i think the ones maybe online are just looking for a quick cum fix something there not getting at home, so why give yourself to one when there are so many willing naked bodies out there.Jealousy happens ,who wants to be the Dom/Dommes main squeeze then have to be put on hold while he or she is with another.I know myself if I collar my sub its only him I am with.Yes I switch but I switch to one only again, I am Happy and proud of my sub, his loyalty is amazing, and he deserves all my love and attention,not shared between other subs.What does it say to your collared sub if your fucking everything in town, Just how i feel, I am sure many will disagree with me But loyalty is number one with me I am loyal to my sub as he is too me otherwise whats so special about what you have?? Nothing

[Timberwolf]

In my current relationship, I'm the only sub involved. But my first online Domme also had a real time sub as well. So I will take what for me is a historical look at the questions from the sub perspective.

1. Would you be more content if you were the only sub, or are you really happier being in a three-way relationship? If so, why?

For me it was neutral. The real time guy was there before, and after me. It made sense to me that she'd want something more than just online and she had it. I never felt jealous over it to be honest. In our case I still got a wealth out of the relationship, and as for her two male subs we were always kept seperate and each allowed the space to feel individually special, which in my case I can say I did.

2. When you have no contact with your dom for a while, do you get jealous? Do you think he is concentrating on the other sub?

In my case, perhaps very rarely. She was legitimately busy with work a lot of the time (travel, lots of corporate goings on and such) which could be a bit of a pain. That was more of a strain to me than the other guy was.

3. Would you ever consider issuing an ultimatum (“If I can’t be the only one, it has to end.”)?

In that relationship no because I would have lost that game for obvious reasons.. In my current one... I honesty feel so secure about the bond we have, that I doubt I'd ever feel the need if it came up.

4. What did you feel when the second (or third etc) sub was brought into the relationship? Or, if you were the second, how did you feel about the first sub?

We were always given our own seperate time, which in my view was wise. We didn't have the "other guy" brought up during our time together though we were all aware of what was going on. It allowed each of us to have time with the Domme without feeling left out, or neglected, or not having attention payed to us while the other one got attention.

My overall impression is this: It can be done, but it's obviously tricky business. One on one relationships have enough issues for people to deal with. Obviously more people = more issues. Is it for everyone? No. I can underrstand fully why some people are 100% against the idea of multiple D/s partners. I also think if a Dom(me) feels the right to multiple partners, you can't in seriousness demand your subs be exclusive to you, which as far as I'm concerned is a two way street Doms have to be prepared to deal with. No good leader is going to demand something of you they are not willing to demand of themselves.

Personally I doubt I would seek a "serious" emotional bond with more than one Domme or sub at a time, because that isn't what I want for myself. Nor do I personally feel that building a serious D/s bond with more than one person at a time is particularly wise. In terms of more "casual" fun (which to me means a relationship more about sexual play than deep emotional sharing), in my current one on one relationship, it's been made clear to me the door is open for that if I want it, but again I am not generally a person who seeks a lot of parntners so it's not a big thing to me that I am going to go looking for.

I think this is a topic that should probably be discussed at some point early in a D/s relationship if one is interested in the multiple partners in the future thing. Get it out there early, and make sure everyone is on the same page. That alone probably does the most to avoid hurt down the road.

I will say though: if one partner is for multiples, and one is against, I'm sorry to partner number 1, but the one who is against has to be the winner in the end or someone will get hurt.

[dzire2pleeze]

Interesting thought, Q...

Your current dilema has always bothered me as well... I know this is "only" cyber space; nevertheless, some pretty strong bonds are formed here. So, when I see Dominants (submissives as well) in multiple relationships, I feel someone is being cheated in that relationship.

It's difficult, i suppose, for one person to fulfill all your needs... To "complete you" - to quote a line from Jerry McGuire. Still and all... I feel very much like you do. Either commit to one person ...or dammit .... play the field.

Of course, i've always been a one man woman... totally devoted and completely loyal. If Master Rob were to tell me that he's taking another submissive... although I would be heartbroken ...I'd have to say "well have fun and adios." I expect 100% and I don't believe you can have 100%, if you are involved in more than one relationship.

However, if it is agreed upon at the onset perhaps that makes a difference.

I too am very interested in the responses of Dominants and subs who exist in multiple relationships. Thanks for starting this thread, Q.

[Qmoq]

Your current dilema has always bothered me as well... I know this is "only" cyber space; nevertheless, some pretty strong bonds are formed here. So, when I see Dominants (submissives as well) in multiple relationships, I feel someone is being cheated in that relationship.

Thanks for your comments so far, all!

Yes, dzire, those strong online bonds are the ones I was talking about. Can it work with more than one sub? If so, how, and how do people feel? That's what this thread is about

Q xx

[Desperadosong]

I have been in real life 24/7 poly. I was the one that asked if he would please think about getting another. See, Not only am I Bi tendencied (mostly hetro, but with certian women, very Bi), but I wanted him to be as happy as a man could get. I figured if I made him 'happy', imagine how doted on he would be with TWO of us to tend to him!
When the second came, she and I became close friends (are still very close) and we worked together which made even more time we each got with Master, or free time if he so desired it. We all slept in the same bed, and sometimes he'd have sex with one, or both, or maybe she and I and he would have sex with one or both. There was no jealousy, but an extreme amount of love. When she was under the weather, Master still was well cared for by me, and when I was ill, she tended him... he never went without. That made us both happy... and him as well. That situation was perfect until his job transford him to another state and I could not go.

I'll answer those questions shortly when I have a tad more time.... and mention a "semi-poly" situation that didn't work out.

Ds

[Tojo]

Q, I'd like to hear a little more about your own thoughts/experience?

I feel like there's something missing in your post.

Here's a point from lisa re this thread- I'm just talking to her now.

sometimes its a good thing; for a sub, to be able to talk with someone in the same situation/position/mind set they are in

A smart young lady indeed.


Tojo

[Aesop]

Well I'm a bit offended. Not at your questions Qmoq, don't get me wrong, I'll be answering those in a minute. But the "I think it's just greed" and "looking for a quick cum fix" statements are rather insulting to those of us in poly relationships don't cha think? Anyway on to the questions.

For the dom, I’d like to know:
1. Why do you think it’s working, when other similar relationships have failed?

I have to answer this with another question I think. Why do you continue to try for one on one relationships? I assume since you are still looking that you haven't had one succeed yet. I love my girls. What else do I need?

2. If one of your charges complained, what would you do?

Talk to her. Find the root of the problem and try to find a solution that works for everyone.

3. Why did you take on a second sub?

Because it was right.

4. Do you think either sub might not be totally truthful about having a rival for their affections, because they are worried that they might be the one who is dropped (or equally, because they like the other sub and don’t want to see them hurt)? This includes their response to this thread.

That's a loaded question Q. Everyone is afraid of being dropped, regardless of their relationship. People in one on one are afraid that the other might find someone better, people in poly are afraid of being dropped for their partners. It's common jealousy and the way to deal with it is to deal with it. Openly and without trying to manipulate the situation.

5. How would you respond to an ultimatum? Most good doms on this site
aren’t the “my way or the highway” kind of chap.

No I'm not the "my way or the highway" kind of guy, but lets face it; if your relationship has gotten to the ultimatum point it's over already anyway.

6. Do you ever feel as though you can’t spend enough time with each sub? If so, can you clarify question three?

Of course I do. Do you ever feel as though you can't spend enough time with a single partner? Work, children, life itself gets in the way. It's what you do with the time you do have that counts.

Maybe, because I have yet to find that special someone, maybe there is a little jealousy. (I know that you’re all suspecting me of thinking “Why does he have two wonderful people, when I’ve not found one?” and I’d be a liar if I didn’t say that I do think that at times.)

Like you I mean no offense when I say I think there may be more than a little jealousy here. Or maybe just some cynicism about relationships in general lurking about. Your questions seem to be more on the order of "Ah ha! I caught you!" then natural curiosity. I could be waaaay off base here because I'm a bit nettled at some of the other comments made so if I am I apologize and hope I've given you some good answers.

[TomOfSweden]

Is there anybody here involved in the polyamoury scene at all? It's a really big movement and I've wondered if anybody has got anything serious Master slave relationship working within the culture.

[Talia]

Well, I'm in a multi-sub AND a multi-dom relationships.

Yesterday my Daddy made himself known and claimed me and my sister Silke as our dom. But if you have read my interview with Alex you will see that I have three dominants in my life. Two of with I am still in a D/s relationship. With my Master I am the only sub.

Now to answer your questions...

For the sub, my questions are similar, but from the other side:
1. Would you be more content if you were the only sub, or are you really happier being in a three-way relationship? If so, why?

I love my relationship with Master and with my Daddy. I my relationship with Master I am very happy with being the only sub, eventually, we may add another sub..but that way down the road and AFTER we have discussed the topic thoroughly and lay down the ground rules and what is expected.

With Daddy, Silke and my relationship, I am very content with being one of his subs. I love Silke like she is my sister. Really, I think all three of us complement each other and add to the relationship. I'm glad Daddy is her Master....I couldn't think any other person I would want to have as my sister.

2. When you have no contact with your dom for a while, do you get jealous? Do you think he is concentrating on the other sub?

One thing Daddy is, is open with both of us. If he talks to me, he is talking to her. If for some reason either of us miss time with him it's because we had other obligations to tend to. Do I feel jealous..yes a little, but not because I am jealous she has Daddy to herself but only because, I want very much to share with them; not take away from her.


3. Would you ever consider issuing an ultimatum (“If I can’t be the only one, it has to end.”)?

Nope, when I became Daddy's sub, he already had a sub...his wife. I knew that and accepted that freely, besides, Mommy is wonderful. So no, I would never give Daddy an ultimatum, that would be impossible anyway. lol

4. What did you feel when the second (or third etc) sub was brought into the relationship? Or, if you were the second, how did you feel about the first sub?

What could I feel about his first sub...it's his wife. He loves her. When I found out about Silke, I was torn between my own insecurities and relief. I'm so glad Silke and I get along and am able to talk freely between us. After discussing with Daddy about Silke and his reassurance that he does love me helped me to get past my insecurities.

[lily27]

I think all that matters in this discussion is that if it works for you, then do it.

This is a very interesting topic, and obviously one that a lot of people have strong feelings about. Certainly those who are presently in poly relationships. I hope everyone can rise above making generalized, negative statements. I am quite sure that wasn't Q's intention when he started this.

Personally, I don't think I could handle such an arrangement. It quite possibly has to do with my own insecurity. If I had a Dom that had another sub, especially around these parts where I know and care about many people, I would feel that He was just wearing a sign that says "lily just doesn't live up".

Again, that is just my thought. And I have never actually been in a poly relationship, so maybe it would be different if I was. But at the end of the day...I just don't share well with others. I don't expect that to change anytime soon.

I hope that more Doms/subs will share their experiences. Not out of defensiveness in regards to some comments above, but in order for those of us who are legitimately open and curious to understand. What makes this community great is everyone's openness, allowing us all to learn from one another.

[mina]

I mean absolutely no offense at all, but Aesop, your answers didn’t really clarify much for me. You made some good points about how one-on-one relationships can have similar problems, but it kind of seemed to me like you sorta danced around the main point.

I guess my biggest curiosity with this is, why isn’t one enough? Do you do different things with one sub that you don’t do with the other? Or you just like guiding and showing affection so much you want to do so with more than one person?

Personally, if Master took another sub, I’d be absolutely devastated. I’d feel like I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t satisfy him or have him be happy with just me.

And now I’ve thought of another question. Is the love you feel for your subs different than the love you feel for your wife?

Sorry if any of that seems offensive in any way, I’m just completely curious! Btw this is directed to anyone, not just Aesop.

[Aesop]

One isn't enough because I love more than one. I can't answer it any better than that.

[Jadetiger]

Qmoq,
Very intense subject indeed. I have been in this situation myself but since you asked for successfully relationships I don’t have to commit on my experience in being the online sub who finds her master has gotten another sub since it did not work out. Nor the fact that I am dominant in real life and have subs of my own. By the way I recently say a title Dom/switch and I think that pretty much sums me up.

I can comment on some of the questions you asked. First back ground on my subs, both are male, both are bi curious and both are switches. Mike has been with me for 7 months and he was one of the 2 subs I picked from interviews back in February. Ronnie who I also picked was released 4 months ago. Not because of any issues with Mike but with issues regarding us. I never even let them meet. I was never comfortable enough with our relationship to add a third person in the mix. I have since interviewed again and I am currently spending a lot of time with Jeff. Mike and Jeff have both meet and are anxiously awaiting the time when we will all play together. My relationship with Jeff is only 4 weeks old and unfortunately the horny bastards are just going to have to wait until I am ready. ~grins

For the dom, I’d like to know:
1. Why do you think it’s working, when other similar relationships have failed?
I think it will work because they both want it. I actually have a hard time sharing but since they are really craving this kind of relationship it is making my need to experience a secret desire even more tempting. My profile which they both read stated there would be multiple subs and group play. It is a fantasy they also want to come true.

2. If one of your charges complained, what would you do?
That is one of the reasons I am moving so slow in the first place. I want them to interact in a normal social atmosphere before anything sexual or intense happens. It is really more for me than them. I have to feel and see that they truly like each other as people first before I put them in a situation that may make them feel uncomfortable.

3. Why did you take on a second sub?
HMMM honest answer is I don’t want to have to focus my attentions on one person. The truth is I don’t trust myself not to fall in love. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them. I do, it just means I am not in love with either of them. Now for the rest of the truth. I have always fantasized about group play. Not just with men but with women as well. I am not promiscuous person. I know some of you are laughing because you don’t believe it. ~grins I have only had sex with my subs even though I interviewed over a 100 men and they all spent to night. See I have get self control and really cold water in the shower. So for me to make the fantasy come true I need to have people around me that I love and care for. So it means making a bdsm family of my own.

Will you think me greedy if I told you I just posted for a real time female sub as well. ~chuckles

4. Do you think either sub might not be totally truthful about having a rival for their affections, because they are worried that they might be the one who is dropped (or equally, because they like the other sub and don’t want to see them hurt)? This includes their response to this thread.

Everything you said is a possibility but it then reflects back on the relationship in general which does not even involve bdsm. Yes I have those fears. I would never drop a sub for not wanting to play with another sub and my subs know they can tell me what and how they feel. But I do fear that maybe they or my self will find out that group play was better as a fantasy. I am sure we will handle it like adults. If it is me that finds group play unappealing then the boys can play together. If one of them fines out they don’t like it then they won’t have too.

5. How would you respond to an ultimatum? Most good doms on this site aren’t the “my way or the highway” kind of chap.
HMMM well the way I look at it they both knew upfront I would have multiple subs. If one gave me an ultimatum then he is free to leave. I don’t force my subs and I don’t let my subs force me either. I have to say it would hurt. I really am very picky about who I let into my life. I become very attached to people and losing them hurts.

6. Do you ever feel as though you can’t spend enough time with each sub? If so, can you clarify question three?
I feel that way all the time but my work takes a huge amount of my time. Both subs know and accept this. I am very blessed in that way.

Hugs, Kisses and Gropes Sweet Q,
Jade

[_ID_]

I have considered taking a second submissive on a few occasions. Not because I want another woman, but because we both enjoyed the girl as a person, and considered having her added to the household to further that enjoyment. That she is submissive is just all that much better. We decided against it on both occasions, once it got to the point of do we do it or not. Not because we didn't like her anymore, or there was jellousy, but because the timing of our/her lives were not condusive to a poly lifestyle.

While we are discussing the poly relationship, I would like to provide a helpful resource to give you some additional education on the subject for these very questions.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

Onto the questions;


For the dom, I’d like to know:
2. If one of your charges complained, what would you do?

Communication is most important in a poly relationship. Talking to them to reslove the complaint is most important to keep a harmonous poly home.

3. Why did you take on a second sub?

We considered it because we thought it would expand our experience in life, as well as we very much enjoyed the person, as a person.

4. Do you think either sub might not be totally truthful about having a rival for their affections, because they are worried that they might be the one who is dropped (or equally, because they like the other sub and don’t want to see them hurt)? This includes their response to this thread.

This is always a possibilty in every realtionship. Each partner might withold feelings to keep peace within the house. Poly relationships are no exception. See question 2.

5. How would you respond to an ultimatum? Most good doms on this site aren’t the “my way or the highway” kind of chap.

I assume you are refering to a "me or her" kind of ultimatum. If you are, see question 2. Then if the ultimatum remains, consider who, as the poly relationship is ultimately going to fail due to this sort of behaviour.

6. Do you ever feel as though you can’t spend enough time with each sub? If so, can you clarify question three?

Feelings of inadequecy are always a possibilty. To know if you are doing what you can, and need to. See question 2.

I hope this resolves your questions Q

V/R
ID

[Timberwolf]

"I have to answer this with another question I think. Why do you continue to try for one on one relationships? I assume since you are still looking that you haven't had one succeed yet."

If you have nothing nice to say...

I forgot the rest. Someone fill in the blank for me.

[Aesop]

"I have to answer this with another question I think. Why do you continue to try for one on one relationships? I assume since you are still looking that you haven't had one succeed yet."

If you have nothing nice to say...

I forgot the rest. Someone fill in the blank for me.

My apologies if that came across as harsh. It wasn't meant to be. It was meant to compare the questions with the answers. The question was why do you think it would work when others have failed? What I meant was that every relationship you experience fails until you find one that doesn't so you keep trying or give up. That's why I think it will work. Because I hope it will. I meant no insult to Qmoq.

[Timberwolf]

As the Aussies say, no worries mate, as far as I'm concerned anyway.

I think poly relationships do generally have a bad reputation for failure (though in terms of percentages, I guess relationships of all kinds should have one), and from the outside looking in I can see why. And like I said more people = more issues. That in itself, even if one is mentally prepared to do it, is bound to offer the odd complication. I think it takes a certain kind of internal balance before one should even be thinking about it, and even then they just aren't for everyone.

I do think given the right combination of people that they can work. And cheers to you, SB, and Silke while we're at it.

[SheepishJaina]

I find, its difficult for me to juggle both my R/L husband and an O/L Master. I couldn't imagine Master having another sub. I certainly couldn't take on a sub myself. I also know that I'm far too needy and far too much of a jealous bitch to. I'd feel like I was constantly competing.

[Aussiegirl1]

Q, a very interesting thread!

Let me start by saying I would never have thought I could be so happy being "one of Tojo's girls". I have never been one to be that confident of myself, and if you had told me last year that I would be in the relationships I am this year, I would not have believed you. Now, I am only in the beginning stages of our relationship and even with our planned meeting, it will always be an online relationship. I don't know if I would feel differently if it was a real life relationship.


1. Would you be more content if you were the only sub, or are you really happier being in a three-way relationship? If so, why?

No, I don't feel I would be more content, as I have been made to feel very content anyway. I really don't know if I would be happier if I were the only sub, but I somehow doubt it. I mean, I am very happy already.

2. When you have no contact with your dom for a while, do you get jealous? Do you think he is concentrating on the other sub?

No, as we have our set time when we talk, and there is plenty of PMs and/ or emails to remind me I am special. I know too when Tojo is talking to lisa, and don't disturb him at that time.

3. Would you ever consider issuing an ultimatum (“If I can’t be the only one, it has to end.”)?

No, that would never be something I would do. Now, if I was not happy or having fun, that would be a different story.

4. What did you feel when the second (or third etc) sub was brought into the relationship? Or, if you were the second, how did you feel about the first sub?

ok, I knew about Tojo other girls long before we began to move into what is still a growing D/s relationship. To me, it is just a part of who he is. I surprised myself by not feeling jealous, but then the older I get the more I have learnt to not let such a good thing pass me by either. I know too, he gets something different from us all, and that just makes me happy. I have often wondered though how lisa must have felt as I became a part of Tojo's life too, but then I think like me, she treasures the impact Tojo has on her life.


I have also established a very close relationship with Warbaby, that is very special to me. I feel it is because both men know the importance of all the relationships we have in our lives, they are happy so long as I am happy. I feel honoured to have these two wonderful, caring men in my life, and they have both given part of their lives to me. Together, they have opened up my eyes and my heart. I can't imagine my life without them.

I suppose what I am trying to say Q, is that I don't want jealousy or hurt feelings to spoil what I have found. It does still amaze me and I never knew I could be this open minded. But it has allowed me to open myself up to my true feelings for the first time in a long time, and that is something I am not planning on letting go off. I think as deila said, if it works it just works.

[fantassy]

In defense of Q, I have to admit that he articulated several of my thoughts on this topic. We see so many doms on this forum seeking subs, I imaging many feel hurt, cheated, frustrated to see doms with multiple subs. That said, I hope they will see past the frustration to see the hope - subs flock to those they perceive to be good, experienced doms. To those subless doms, I advise you to observe and learn from the behavior and comments of these doms with multiple subs.

Personally, aside from some occasional casual play, I could never share a dom. My ego is far too huge. As Mina said, I would interpret it to mean I am not enough, and if I am not enough, then the relationship is not right for me. I wouldn't even bother with an ultimatum. If a dom said he wanted another sub, I'd be outa there.

Although it's not for me, I can actually understand poly in real life more than I can online. At least in real life, one sub doesn't necessarily take away time from another sub. All can play together and share chores, creating more time for play. But online, it seems to be a mathmatical fact that one sub does take time from another. There are only 24 hours in a day - estimating at least 9 spent at work, 7 spent sleeping, 4 spent on meals and traveling to and from work, 1 spent grooming, 2 spent with the wife and kids, that leaves an hour a day to play. I want that hour, every day. I don't want to alternate days or wait until weekends. Moreover, when a dom is thinking about another sub, that is time he isn't thinking about me. I want a dom who spends as much time thinking about me as I spend thinking about him. We've all sympathized with Silke when she has spent days without any contact and have seen how emotionally difficult that is for her. No offense, but I can't understand settling for an hour of somebody (no matter how great that hour may be), unless that dom is just a temporary stop during a search from someone who can commit his whole self.

If I've offended, I apologise. I'm just stating my opinions. Unfortunately, I'm extremely opinionated. However, I don't mean anything personal by my opinions. Let me state for the record that some of my favorite doms at this forum are poly. I, like Q, just don't get the psychology of poly, and hope by stating the problems I have with it, you all can (and are willing) to explain why you don't have the problems I perceive. Another thing I am really curious about is why anyone with a live-in sub, would seek a serious relationship with another sub online.

fantassy

[DemonGoddess]

First of all I've never been in a poly relationship and I've never been in an R/L D/s relationship. While I can't really answer Q's questions I can give you all a nice little monolog about my thoughts on the subject. I can be VERY needy and jealous... but I can also be fairly open minded (or atleast I like to think I can be...)
I've been 'one of the guys' for most of my life, in several different groups. I inevitably end up developing a crush on one of the guys when that happens I'm generaly amused by the blond bimbos that they crush on and want to sleep with and feel the need to tell me all about But when my friend(s) develop crushs on the guy of my lust then I get incredibly jealous even when said male has no interest in said friend.
On the other hand I've sent old boyfriends (when we were going out...) off to varrious strip clubs and such.

Another thing to consider... When my first boyfriend was deployed I spent alot of time hanging out with a guy I went to school (who was also the boytoys half brother) and basicly everyone thought that the brother and I were involved. We did all of the things that your typical teenage couple do except for the sex stuff. Same thing when I was dating a guy who was in South Africa...

Pretty much it all depends on the people involved. and how secure they are in their relationship.

[Ozme52]

I think poly relationships are difficult because of the way we have been brought up to believe in the one true love...

But do any of us even begin to question our ability to love all of our children? Do we ask if we can find time to share equally among them all? Are there sibling rivalries?

Change a few words and you're asking the very same kinds of questions about poly life, and the same holds true with regards to having multiple interlocking D/s relations.

I don't see why it shouldn't work if everyone involves is communicating.

[~hellish one~]

I think poly relationships are difficult because of the way we have been brought up to believe in the one true love...

But do any of us even begin to question our ability to love all of our children? Do we ask if we can find time to share equally among them all? Are there sibling rivalries?

Change a few words and you're asking the very same kinds of questions about poly life, and the same holds true with regards to having multiple interlocking D/s relations.

I don't see why it shouldn't work if everyone involves is communicating.

i was going to post my own response to all this, but Ozme said it best right here.

well put, Ozme.

[TomOfSweden]

I think poly relationships are difficult because of the way we have been brought up to believe in the one true love...

I'm not so sure about that. Sure the monogamy myth is cultivated in our culture, but that only explains a part of it. What about plain old jelousy? I don't believe their are people who aren't jelous at all. Some are just better at dealing with it than others.

But do any of us even begin to question our ability to love all of our children? Do we ask if we can find time to share equally among them all? Are there sibling rivalries?

Change a few words and you're asking the very same kinds of questions about poly life, and the same holds true with regards to having multiple interlocking D/s relations.

Off-course there's always sibling rivalry which always boils down to jelousy. Getting more or less than siblings was when I was little a constant on-going battle. I'm certain that none of us always felt as equaly loved as the other siblings. Humanity is a greedy bunch, and denying it is just sweeping the problem under the carpet.

I don't see why it shouldn't work if everyone involves is communicating.

True true, but that's also the problem. I've never seen it happen. I have on TV, but that doesn't really count.

[Radiance]

Q..

Great thread love..

[maddie]

There are different kinds of love, I guess. You can love your spouse and love your children, but it's not the same kind of love. I have friends that I love, but not the same way or to the same depth that I love my husband.

I'm willing to bet that, if they could find the words to express it, Aesop or Tojo would say they love the women in their lives in different ways. It may be subtle, but I'll bet it's there.

[Ozme52]

Tom, I hear what you are saying about jealousy and I have a definite opinion on that. It's also part of how we're brought up and goes hand in hand with my arguement about the 'one true love.'

Because we're brought up to believe in one true love, what if someone else gets to him/her first? Then we're left out in the cold, lost, and bereft of hope.

Zero-sum game strategy. You win means I lose. But that way of thinking, isn't the only games theory strategy. In life I try to play win-win strategies, and have found that when my winning doesn't mean you lose, jealousy goes away very quickly. When you practice win-win gamesmanship within your life, polyamoury quickly becomes not only preferable, but viable.


P.S. There is also tit-for-tat, (a favorite because I'm fond of tits)

[TomOfSweden]

Tom, I hear what you are saying about jealousy and I have a definite opinion on that. It's also part of how we're brought up and goes hand in hand with my arguement about the 'one true love.'

Because we're brought up to believe in one true love, what if someone else gets to him/her first? Then we're left out in the cold, lost, and bereft of hope.

Zero-sum game strategy. You win means I lose. But that way of thinking, isn't the only games theory strategy. In life I try to play win-win strategies, and have found that when my winning doesn't mean you lose, jealousy goes away very quickly. When you practice win-win gamesmanship within your life, polyamoury quickly becomes not only preferable, but viable.


P.S. There is also tit-for-tat, (a favorite because I'm fond of tits)

You lost me there. I think I'm going to need some examples.

If there's a threesome couple living together, (one man and two girls, all hetero) and the man finds one of the girls is better looking than the other, (not a very unique situation) and she gets more atention than the other. Both real and percieved. How is this a win-win situation for the woman the man doesn't feel is as sexualy attractive? She might have other great qualities, but we all want sexual attention.

Just as you point out, you like tits. Women with bigger tits gets more attention from men than women with smaller tits. That's been scientificaly proven many times.