Ok, I know it’s not like me to be serious, but... This was prompted by a question that sheepish(DW) asked in the Friday Five the other week, and I’ve been wondering whether I should ask it properly or not.

Firstly, no offence is meant, and I’m trying not to judge. I love you all. Even you in the back row. Yep.

[From now on, I’ll use male “dom” for dominant and female “sub” for submissives, though I’m sure it happens the other way and in between as well.]

It concerns the fact that a lot of dominants out there have more than one submissive. I’m not going to mention any people by name, and I’ve seen many more than one example of both successful and unsuccessful outcomes. So if you think I’m talking about you, I might not be.

I’m curious to understand how it can work. I’m rather sceptical about it, to be frank, though I am willing to be convinced.

Firstly, I’ll explain why I’m sceptical.

There have been considerable numbers of posts from doms and subs about how precious and intimate the d/s relationship can be. Quite a few seem to suggest that it’s more powerful than “normal” love, because of the trust and intimacy involved. Many happy subs will say “he knows me better than I know myself”, which is particularly touching.

So, if there is such potent trust and intimacy, how can a dom have more than one sub?

I’ve seen recent accounts of how some sub-pairs are happy and friendly. All well and good - I’ll come to them in a moment.

But I’ve heard at least two accounts where a one-to-one dom/sub relationship was horribly scarred for the existing sub by the introduction of a second sub. The first sub felt betrayed and less desirable - certainly less special.

Being a ‘glass half full’ kind of chap when it comes to BDSM, I really want to hear from those currently in successful multi-sub relationships. Unfortunately, I tend to ask rather direct questions, so apologies if the interrogation is brutal. This is not the Friday Five, you’re not compelled to answer by the luscious Mina. If you want to keep your relationship private, that’s up to you.

For the dom, I’d like to know:
1. Why do you think it’s working, when other similar relationships have failed?

2. If one of your charges complained, what would you do?

3. Why did you take on a second sub?

4. Do you think either sub might not be totally truthful about having a rival for their affections, because they are worried that they might be the one who is dropped (or equally, because they like the other sub and don’t want to see them hurt)? This includes their response to this thread.

5. How would you respond to an ultimatum? Most good doms on this site aren’t the “my way or the highway” kind of chap.

6. Do you ever feel as though you can’t spend enough time with each sub? If so, can you clarify question three?

For the sub, my questions are similar, but from the other side:
1. Would you be more content if you were the only sub, or are you really happier being in a three-way relationship? If so, why?

2. When you have no contact with your dom for a while, do you get jealous? Do you think he is concentrating on the other sub?

3. Would you ever consider issuing an ultimatum (“If I can’t be the only one, it has to end.”)?

4. What did you feel when the second (or third etc) sub was brought into the relationship? Or, if you were the second, how did you feel about the first sub?

If there are any people out there in a one-on-one relationship, I’d like to hear your opinion too - pick and choose the appropriate questions, but turn them into a “what if” scenario.

Yes, you may have guessed, I am quite a sceptic about multi-sub relationships. Having plenty of play partners is not a problem to me - having more than one soulmate seems to be a paradox.

Maybe, because I have yet to find that special someone, maybe there is a little jealousy. (I know that you’re all suspecting me of thinking “Why does he have two wonderful people, when I’ve not found one?” and I’d be a liar if I didn’t say that I do think that at times.)

Having said that, when I understood the intimacy in a BDSM relationship, I doubted that one-to-many relationships could work in practice - and that was long before I came to these forums. I can step back far enough from my emotions to put this scenario under the microscope, and I still think my questions are valid!

I do hope I’ve not offended anyone, though. I’m just curious and unconvinced, is all. Convince me!

Thanks. Q xx