True Doms Vs Play Doms

[Rabbit1]

I have had some interesting conversations lately with some new submissives.

And the main question is ---how do you Tell ----a true Dom from a want to be

Usually the first thing I tell a sub---is a true Dom with try to find your comfort level----

This life style requires that both sub and Dom find enjoyment from what they are doing.

A true Dom will get his pleasure from guiding you and teaching you to expand from your comfort level. Not just jump in where he is comfortable.

We have a lot of want to be Doms here --who want nothing else but a sex show online --- where they control what you do ---This is fine if that is what the sub is looking for.

A true Dom will try to build a level of trust with his sub.

a want to be will want to be just jump right in there --trying to tell the sub what to do.


True Doms care about their subs --- not just getting off themselves ---they do try to make sure their subs have got off also


True Dom make their subs want to come back for more ---the want to be just do not care

There are alot of True Doms here --but I am afraid we are out numbered by the want to be Doms

So subs take care choose wisely ---you can be hurt by the want to be s not just physically ---but turned off to the whole life style by them

[_ID_]

Can say nothing more than already said. Simply all I can do is quote Rabbit, and underline word for word what he said.

V/R
ID

[Tojo]

Beautifully put O long eared one.

Many subs & potential subs seem to think if someone calls themself a Dom, they automatically deserve respect & are all-knowing.

Apparently this is NOT the case! I have reams of text which states unequivocably that many so called 'Experienced Doms' are.....wannabees.

Go in with your eyes open, do not believe everything 'He' says- trust your own instincts.

The golden rule IMO- 'If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.'


Tojo

[Silke]

well said, Rabbit!

[Ozme52]

[Ozme52]

Actually, I wouldn't doubt that the subs and switches here at the library talk about who is and isn't "true black&blue"

Any new subs should seek out the advice of those who've been here awhile. There's no need, here at the bdsmlibrary forum, to be uninformed.

[Widget]

Well said Rabbit

[frankee]

ditto!

[cariad]

and Rabbit

cariad

[SheepishJaina]

Sadly i've had both. Thank You for this Rabbit.

[suchaminx]

Rabbit1

Thank you for posting this and making me think

~hugs~ minx x

[Rabbit1]

I posted this because I have had a few subs come to me ----a few were from the chat room ----and a few were from the forum --had recently been chosen by a Dom ---turned out to be want to be Doms----all these subs were doing is putting on mini sex shows for some guy claiming to be a Dom. So ladies if all you want out of a relationship is to strip and get on a yahoo or other cam ---put on nipple clamps or spank yourself ---then have at it.

Otherwise ---you are being taken advantage of ---and if you are going to put on a porn show ---hey at least get paid for it.

This just made me sick --after talking to these fine ladies.. and they felt so used and stupid.

I know of some very fine Doms on this site---they are caring---Trust worthy people. There is nothing I can do to tell you who is and who is not a real Dom because with over 17,000 members I do not know each one personally.

All I can do is advise you the subs to think. Ask your Dom questions before you commit to being their sub. Move slowly until you are sure you can trust them. And do not do anything that you are not comfortable with doing.

[cariad]

Yes, I did just write that heading!

I suspect that I can identify at least one of the examples Rabbit is talking about here.

If I am right, the gentleman concerned most certainly is not dom, and in my opinion does not have the personality to ever be one. He is not a bad guy, infact I love chatting to him about all sorts of things.

Unfortunately he is just in the wrong place. His sexual drive is nearly always in hyperdrive and the chat room just seems like pardise to him.

I have spent hours trying to explain the difference between being highly sexed and dominant, and failed. But this is not his fault, he is not a nasty wannabe or a bully, just an over sexed vanilla bean with a blind spot.

In the example I am thinking of, I did take the lady concerned to one side when I was horrified to find she was falling into his clutches. I endeavoured to explain, but was assured that he was just what she wanted and she was ever so happy.

So in support of Rabbit's post - yes subs it is our job to educate ourselves, look out for the signs, and think before we jump. But if we get it wrong, please remember it is not always the wannabes Dom's fault, it could be ours.

cariad

[RickBulow74]

This is a very intriguing thread, as I know that when I did the paper I did have a little online experience and was labelled a wannabe by a few, but not really understood the difference. Now, just in reading the entire thread, I am getting a good idea that there are wannabe Doms out there and I do not want to be labelled as one.

A lot of good points were raised, and this should be one of the "sticky threads" I see about the Forum Boards.

Now I have a question. If the same is true for Doms, is it also for subs and slaves?

[cariad]

Now I have a question. If the same is true for Doms, is it also for subs and slaves?

I think so - there are true subs, play subs, wannabe subs and newbie subs, all very different creatures.

cariad

[SheepishJaina]

Oh heck yes Rick. The door swings both ways.

[Tojo]

Excellent post cariad. Well worth remembering that a sub also has a responsibility to themselves- I cringe at some of the personal ads I see on this & other forums.

Tojo

[cariad]

The role I think is the hardest in our lifestyle is that a newbie Dom. For obvious reasons I have never been there, but have had the privilage of watching some 'going to be great' on line Doms take their first footsteps into this world. I have yet to had watch the process in real life.

They arrive, sometimes with knowledge gleaned from sites such as this forum, sometimes with impressions gleaned from literature, sometimes just with a gut feel that this is what they want.

And guess what, they meet a newbie sub, a wanna be sub, a bratty sub; and ouch, they get it wrong. Hardly surprising really. And then sometimes in an attempt to rescue their position they react by flexing what they think are Domly muscles they start strutting and make some terrible mistakes. Result a newbie Dom is suddenly seen as a wannabe Dom.

So come on fellow subs, another plea, lets support these newbie Doms, be tolerant of when they make basic mistakes. Be gentle with them, help build their confidence rather than topping from the bottom. Not always the most exciting or easiest of times, but I for one get a huge kick out of seeing the transformation, and knowing that I have been able to play a small part in the transformation from "I am new and am pretty sure I am Dom" to a "yes, this is me, and I am happy with who I am Dom".

cariad

[Tojo]

Well said Delia.


Tojo

[cariad]

Could not agree more delia, but that takes confidence.

cariad

[Rabbit1]

yep delia I could not agree more --but most of what we get is someone who saw a hard core picture and thinks they are already masters of that ---lol

Oh the first poor sub who gets a caning or a whipping from that kind of master Dom

[_ID_]

I was a newbie Dom once. The kind that just had the gut feeling that I wanted to be Dom, for reasons that I knew I didn't want to be controlled, humiliated, or hit. I got plenty of advice from other Dom's, and looked for advice from submissives willing to give constructive advice. The best advice I got from my wife who when we met knew I had zero practical BDSM experience, so gave me plenty of coaching, plenty of advice on technique, and advice on protocol.

Thanks cariad and delia for your support of the newbie Dom.

V/R
ID

[AdamPowers]

Agree // Dito // Copy-Paste to share with others.

- Adam

[RickBulow74]

You know what i love? i love newbie Doms that say "I am new and would love to hear advice and lessons learned from Doms and subs alike." Those are the Doms that will blossom and become great additions to the lifestyle. They have a good head on their shoulders, realize they don't know everything starting right out and realize that subs may also give them great nuggets of information...

Patience is easier to have with newbie Doms who ask for help and have a true desire to grow.

delia, you have just described me to a "T" as I would love to hear all advice on the lifestyle from any and also if they have any good links for me to view. I guess I am a glutton for information and advice here.

[Radiance]

Rabbit 1

What you said about the Doms online coudnt be more true,I feel it dosnt matter how you look online as long as the woman gets naked for the man they will say anything to them,why? well thats simple thats all they want is a peep show.a way to get Off.When did BDSM turn into how many times you can cum on a web cam??
so many people think you should do as your told, well fuck them i say i do what I want when i want and wont be told to get naked to have a man on the other side of the world get off cos he cant get it at home,Wanna be Doms are a pain in the arse,Bring on the ones that know how to treat a sub.
I loved what you wrote Rabbit,and thanks for opening to many eyes up.

Radiance xoxox

And believe me ive been conned before.

[Mastermike]

very well put Rabbit I agree hole hearted ly with you and what delia said to the new subs talk and read and hfind things out for yourself

[Aadenn]

I'm going to chime in here, becuase I like to play devil's advocate, and because I have a problem with authority and convention.

Nothing against Rabbit, or all the people here who have lauded his post, which I think has a good heart, by the way.

The problem is that there are too many labels in kinky communities. Online and Off, kinky communities get assaulted by this game of semantics where people begin to label others as "true doms", "true subs", "wannabes", etc.

Where i'm from the cliche is to say that someone is into S&M: Stand and Model.

I find all such things to be highly pretentious and, (again, no offense Rabbit, i'm sure you're a great guy with a lot of knowledge) closed minded.

It is equally as dangerous to view oneself as being enlightened compared to others as it is to enter into something one isnt ready for. The so-called wannabe maybe just isnt intot he same kind of play you are? Who is to say that a highly sexed individual with a penchant for rough, but otherwise vanilla sex isnt kinky? Is your love of whips and floggers any more valid than his love for the humiliation and powerplay of having greedy, anger filled penetrative sex if his partner is into it also?

I despise the terms "true" anything. They are so full of bias and pretentiousness that it raises the bile in my throat.

While I think rabbit's post was well aimed, I also think that looking down our noses at the alleged wannabes says something about us too. Instead of labeling and talking down to these people as if they are 'newbs' why not come to them on a more equal footing of resepct? If someone is in this chat room or on these forums, its likely they are willing to read and learn something. Fantasy is such a huge part of sexual development that it cant be ignored.

Please consider your dealings with 'wannabes' with a little bit more respect. We were all 'wannabes' at some point.

I think Moonraker had it BANG on:

As all others have said, agree 100% a perfect short and simple answer. I would only add that perhaps no need to differentiate a Dom from a normal guy in a normal relationship. What makes a man a good husband, boyfriend or lover. Perhaps the perception that doms are somehow a race apart from "normal" men is a misunderstanding.

[cadence]

Please consider your dealings with 'wannabes' with a little bit more respect. We were all 'wannabes' at some point.

Ì think the basic premise of the original post is not that wannabes are new and inexperienced,but someone who claims to be somthing that they don't yet understand, and are unwilling to learn about, or someone who uses the Dominant personality to thier advantage.

I loathe the word true, as much as I hate using the term natural, but I think they are used to convey someone who is basically inclined to be Dominant or submissive, one who learns to utalize and embrace that part of themselves.


When I started perusing different sites I was a bit deflated by the people who had started to contact me. Not one self proclaimed Dominant wanted to help me out with the confusion of what I was trying to figure out, but wanted me to submit fully to them immediately. Most wanted a sex cam show, calling it a service to them. I had the impression that BDSM was a cover for the ultimate trolls.

There are genuine people here who are looking for someone to compliment thier own wants and needs, and then there are others who see an advantage to use a title of Dom and seek out vulnerable subs to use for thier own agenda.

I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, (I was new and very confused about everything at one time and was always shunned by others because I failed to understand myself fully), when I go to chat I am a bit offended by others who want me to roleplay, spell out my fantasies or listen to thiers. They want some easy fap material, and that is not what I want to provide.

So no one is bashing new and inexperienced people, but the ones who come here to use this place as thier own personal playground, and assume that submissives are only too eager to comply.

[Aadenn]

Cadence, I liked your post a lot It helped me gather my thoughts a litltle more.

You are very correct in differentiating between someone who is inexperienced and someone who is a troll.

That, i think, is part of what I was trying to get at. The other thing to consider is that for most new and inexperienced people, kink *IS* a fap fest at first. I mean, lets face it. We all do it because it gets our juices flowing, either physically, emotionally, or intellectually. In some fashion, kink *is* sex.

What I was trying to clarify more specifically was that often it is the more experienced and 'established' Doms in a particular community who will be the WORST trolls.

The ones who feel somehow justified in their behavior because they have been around long enough or a few people 'know their name' so to speak. Its these guys who are often the ones spouting the tenets of what it takes to be a 'true dom' and 'true slave'

I've been to play parties and there are play sluts on both sides of the power exchange, and its the doms who can be dangerous for new subs

Actions speak louder than words. Saying all the right words and speaking all the right rhetoric does not a safe, conscientious, caring dom make.

[cadence]

I understand now what you are saying Aaden, and yes I have met a few of those experienced Dominants as well.