new around here

[hikochan]

I feel a little like I'm walking into a lion's den, but I need some kind of release! I've been with a man for six years now that is so vanilla. His wildest fantasy involves me wearing a school girl outfit - which wouldn't be so bad if we could at least get some good student/teacher rp out of it or something. Unfortunately he just wants the outfit and then business as usual. I've tried to get him to do ANYTHING that might be even a little dominating but he won't even pull my hair because he's afraid he might hurt me. Explaining that I WANT it to hurt just makes him uncomfortable. So what's a girl to do? I've been using my toys alone and fantasizing about the terrible things that I want and feeling like a huge perv for even wanting these things.

I want to find a way to get this need taken care of, but I also know that the world is a scary place sometimes. I don't want to end up with someone who will not respect my limits like I did last time. I'm hoping that actually being involved in a community like this will help me to find the right person and weed out some of the real creeps.

Just out of curiosity, how many other people here started or are currently in this situation? How do you cope? And, LOL, it suddenly struck me as very funny that I basically just asked 'how do you cope when your man won't hurt you?'. Anyway...I look forward to talking with you all!

[jeanne]

I feel a little like I'm walking into a lion's den, but I need some kind of release! I've been with a man for six years now that is so vanilla. His wildest fantasy involves me wearing a school girl outfit - which wouldn't be so bad if we could at least get some good student/teacher rp out of it or something. Unfortunately he just wants the outfit and then business as usual. I've tried to get him to do ANYTHING that might be even a little dominating but he won't even pull my hair because he's afraid he might hurt me. Explaining that I WANT it to hurt just makes him uncomfortable. So what's a girl to do? I've been using my toys alone and fantasizing about the terrible things that I want and feeling like a huge perv for even wanting these things.

I want to find a way to get this need taken care of, but I also know that the world is a scary place sometimes. I don't want to end up with someone who will not respect my limits like I did last time. I'm hoping that actually being involved in a community like this will help me to find the right person and weed out some of the real creeps.

Just out of curiosity, how many other people here started or are currently in this situation? How do you cope? And, LOL, it suddenly struck me as very funny that I basically just asked 'how do you cope when your man won't hurt you?'. Anyway...I look forward to talking with you all!

Oh boy, I feel your pain. I don't have any brilliant advice to offer - I'm not coping very well right now myself. There are lots of threads here on the forums that talk about this. I don't know how to paste thread links or I'd do so...just look around My BDSM Life and this forum too, you'll find lots of advice, lots of information and other women who are going through the same thing, talking about how they deal with it. One thing I can tell you from personal experience - don't be a brat, don't try to piss him off so he'll take over - that'll just get you worse off (and in my case, almost stranded by the side of the road) and will make you feel like shit.

Sympathizing,
jeanne

[Austerus]

geez, poor subbies...this problem seems to be going around like the flu! On one level it blows me aay...I can certainly imagine women who wouldn't want to be owned, but it's pretty hard for me to picture their men not wanting to own them (male subs aside I guess.) That being said...

Remember hiko, men have a lifetime of social conditioning to make them believe that women are fragile little flowers who need to always be protected , taken care of, and spoken to politely (this conditioning ignores inconvenient facts like women's higher pain tolerance.) A lot of the same qualities that make your man someone you want to be with...that he wants good things for you, cares about you, is most likely respectful toward you...combine with this conditioning to make it difficult for him to dominate you.

The only way to get it to work is with lots of talking, convincing him that you are not going to shatter into a million pieces with some hair pulling or spanking, and moving slowly forward. You should tell him the things you know about safe words and limits. If you're lucky, he'll decide that the two of you can try it, but -insist- that you have a safe word, etc. If you're lucky he might even end up thinking all this safety research and safe-word stuff was his idea, which mighth elp him feel in charge. What a clever fellow!

[annie]

Remember hiko, men have a lifetime of social conditioning to make them believe that women are fragile little flowers who need to always be protected , taken care of, and spoken to politely (this conditioning ignores inconvenient facts like women's higher pain tolerance.) A lot of the same qualities that make your man someone you want to be with...that he wants good things for you, cares about you, is most likely respectful toward you...combine with this conditioning to make it difficult for him to dominate you.

You know... this is SO true. I once had a Dom tell me that it was hard for most men, based on how they were raised, etc. to beat a woman (in pleasure) one night and then sit across the breakfast table the next morning and look her in the eye. Especially if there was physical evidence of what had happened.

And... I do karate, and based on my height (5'10") I end up paired with men 95% of the time for sparring, practice, etc. It has taken me almost a full year but I have now convinced (or perhaps proven) to 3 men in the class that I spar with regularly that I am not going to break if they strike me, especially with gear on. I finally asked one of them flat out, "Would you rather I die if someone attacked me just so you don't have to feel bad about bruising me a bit?" That was an extreme but based on the mindset I had to really convince them that 1) I could take it and 2) I needed too to learn. *covering up the huge bruise on my forearm from today's class.... *

So... after that ramble (sorry)... lol. Not sure I have an answer either... just patience and talking...

[Logic1]

I could just copypaste Austerus post .. thinking about it again I will.
he said it pretty much like I would.

[Sir_Russell]

hikochan

I too find it hard to believe that any man wouldn't want a smart bright strong submissive of his own. I know that some men just aren't into it period but wow I don't know why.

I suggest that you go to the Knowledge section and find my thread on hard limits questionaire, take the sub one, print it out and give it to him.

Expect him to feel uncomfortable and embarressed but insist gentle that you need him to know these and that you really want to talk to him about it. If you can print out the Dom one, and most of the question are what he likes to do with a sub, and get him atleast to read it, take it if he will.