The Perfect Dom

[Tojo]

I often think new people can get the wrong impression from sites such as this, for the simple reason that some Doms- often the most vocal ones, seem compelled to create an impression of unquestionable perfection.

From memory, it was Isabelle who came up with the line ‘I couldn’t respect a Dom who lacked humility’

Do we need to be perfect? Should we be able to accept criticism and admit that we make mistakes?

Frankly, I see being unable to admit you’re ever wrong, and the inability to accept criticism or be questioned, as character defects that a Dom in particular could do without.

[WyldWyl]

No, a good dom need not be perfect. The fact that I am is neither here nor there, it's just a fact. :P

But a good dom is, like a good person, humble and capable of mistakes, even huge ones. A good dom, again like a good person, simply knows to when to admit when they are wrong or ignorant or mistaken or being silly and attempts to correct it if possible.

[denuseri]

no one is perfect right? i mean if a dom wernt human ( complete with the drawbacks for the human condition) what would anyone need one for, i have a crop and a vibrator, they work pretty well, but are a sad subtitute for a real live dom , the flaws he might possess only accentuate his humanity,

[Euryleia]

Good point, Tojo. Confidence and humility should go hand in hand. A dose of humility will keep confidence from growing into arrogance.

[ashtonDs]

I recently visited a site where a slave girl said in no uncertain terms something to the effect, "I could never respect a Dom that bottomed for someone else." She went on to say that hers is a "real" Dom, all the time.

It is not possible to be dominant at all times. If this "real" Dom lands his little behind in traffic court I don't think he'll be trying to top the judge. Even "the most powerful person in the world" the President, says "yes dear" and does what his wife asks. No one is a Dom all the time.

If they try to tell you otherwise they're not a real Dom.

[Ozme52]

I recently visited a site where a slave girl said in no uncertain terms something to the effect, "I could never respect a Dom that bottomed for someone else." She went on to say that hers is a "real" Dom, all the time.

It is not possible to be dominant at all times. If this "real" Dom lands his little behind in traffic court I don't think he'll be trying to top the judge. Even "the most powerful person in the world" the President, says "yes dear" and does what his wife asks. No one is a Dom all the time.

If they try to tell you otherwise they're not a real Dom.

I think this mixes apples and oranges as they say. Deferring to someone else under the appropriate circumstances does not imply one is bottoming to them.

I've never kowtowed before a judge... nor have I tried to top one. You state your case and he judges. As far as I'm concerned, he's there to top the cop if the cop is in the wrong... and if I was in the wrong, I just pay my fine. And if we meet outside the courtroom, I talk to him as an equal as I do everyone, sub or dom, lifestyle or vanilla.

I also talk to my own sub as an equal. Just because her role is different than mine doesn't make her some kind of lesser person... (or have I strayed off concept?)

[Daes]

Perfection, like normalcy, is an illusion. And one's idea of "perfection" will differ from another. Whose to say someone's "perfect dom" /doesn't/ include traits like humility, sensitivity, or compassion?

It is better to ask 'what would be your idea of a perfect dom'.

[Polaris]

Human beings are complex creatures. We make mistakes, often inadvertently, and no amount of caution, care or experience can prevent us from doing so. What counts, I believe, is not that we are all imperfect to a certain degree, but that we learn out of our mistakes, as well as the way we deal with them. In that way, a good dom is somebody who learns from his mistakes and who acknowledges them. A good dom is also somebody who knows when to take advice, or fall back on the strengths of the submissive part. This is of course my personal viewpoint, but I don't think that it makes you less dominant to acknowledge a mistake and apologise for it -- it reduces hard feelings, really. I also think it would be silly to not utilise potential where there is potential -- different people are good at different things, and it would be silly to do something you are not good at yourself in order to remain 'dominant'.

Generally, I think it's easy to get a wrong impression when you go online without knowing anything about BDSM and start to read. It's not only flawless dominants who are never un-dominant and who never make any wrong decisions. There are also the flawless subs/slaves with no limits, always compliant and docile, never struggling with real life or the fact that sometimes you are simply not in the mood. If I recall correctly, there was a thread dealing with this subject a while ago...if you judge only from what you read (and of course not ALL of it is described like that) you'll be easily under the impression that in order to be dominant you will have to be always demanding and never be allowed to fail or make a wrong decision, whereas when you are submissive...well, you better be up to it at all times. Personally, I find that sad. It's a diverse lifestyle, and it's diverse people participating in it. There is no one right way -- there is only a way that is right for you and your respective partner. And this way should be okay -- without having to worry that because you do not apply to the role-model you are not really dominant or not really submissive. Anyway, just my two cents

[Ozme52]

Human beings are complex creatures. We make mistakes, often inadvertently, and no amount of caution, care or experience can prevent us from doing so. What counts, I believe, is not that we are all imperfect to a certain degree, but that we learn out of our mistakes, as well as the way we deal with them. In that way, a good dom is somebody who learns from his mistakes and who acknowledges them. A good dom is also somebody who knows when to take advice, or fall back on the strengths of the submissive part. This is of course my personal viewpoint, but I don't think that it makes you less dominant to acknowledge a mistake and apologise for it -- it reduces hard feelings, really. I also think it would be silly to not utilise potential where there is potential -- different people are good at different things, and it would be silly to do something you are not good at yourself in order to remain 'dominant'.

Generally, I think it's easy to get a wrong impression when you go online without knowing anything about BDSM and start to read. It's not only flawless dominants who are never un-dominant and who never make any wrong decisions. There are also the flawless subs/slaves with no limits, always compliant and docile, never struggling with real life or the fact that sometimes you are simply not in the mood. If I recall correctly, there was a thread dealing with this subject a while ago...if you judge only from what you read (and of course not ALL of it is described like that) you'll be easily under the impression that in order to be dominant you will have to be always demanding and never be allowed to fail or make a wrong decision, whereas when you are submissive...well, you better be up to it at all times. Personally, I find that sad. It's a diverse lifestyle, and it's diverse people participating in it. There is no one right way -- there is only a way that is right for you and your respective partner. And this way should be okay -- without having to worry that because you do not apply to the role-model you are not really dominant or not really submissive. Anyway, just my two cents

Yep. All very well put.

[Ozme52]

Perfection, like normalcy, is an illusion. And one's idea of "perfection" will differ from another. Whose to say someone's "perfect dom" /doesn't/ include traits like humility, sensitivity, or compassion?

It is better to ask 'what would be your idea of a perfect dom'.

I'm right there with you on sensitivity and compassion. And a lot of other "soft" traits not necessarily exhibited online... but not humility, for the reasons I stated above.

[thrall]

I often think new people can get the wrong impression from sites such as this, for the simple reason that some Doms- often the most vocal ones, seem compelled to create an impression of unquestionable perfection.

From memory, it was Isabelle who came up with the line ‘I couldn’t respect a Dom who lacked humility’

Do we need to be perfect? Should we be able to accept criticism and admit that we make mistakes?

Frankly, I see being unable to admit you’re ever wrong, and the inability to accept criticism or be questioned, as character defects that a Dom in particular could do without.

No one is perfect......we all make mistakes. No one is always right.......ever. It is wrong to portray yourself as such, expect such......or even believe in the possibility of such a person. Much as i would like to think that i am perfect i know full well that i am not..

I believe in good Dom's/Domme's who will strive for perfection, to be the best that they can possibly be. The same holds true for submissives.

I believe that you should question anyone who thinks themselves above and or beyond questions. ........Mainly because i think anyone who is not willing to answer questions has something to hide.....

Strength, power and control lies in the ability to admit your mistakes and learn form them. To ask forgiveness and have the ability ..........to forgive mistakes. To except criticisms and try to do better and learn form what is being said.

The ability of a Dom to say " I'm sorry, I was wrong" or "I made a mistake, please forgive me".........is a powerful thing.

Submitting to someone who does not posses these qualities, these abilities ......in my opinion is a terrible mistake.

thrall

[Whippett]

AN interesting original post Tojo, and some thought provoking comments. As others have said - humans are rarely always right. Being wrong is part of what makes us human.

As Polaris says:

Human beings are complex creatures. We make mistakes, often inadvertently, and no amount of caution, care or experience can prevent us from doing so. What counts, I believe, is not that we are all imperfect to a certain degree, but that we learn out of our mistakes, as well as the way we deal with them. In that way, a good dom is somebody who learns from his mistakes and who acknowledges them. A good dom is also somebody who knows when to take advice, or fall back on the strengths of the submissive part. This is of course my personal viewpoint, but I don't think that it makes you less dominant to acknowledge a mistake and apologise for it -- it reduces hard feelings, really. I also think it would be silly to not utilise potential where there is potential -- different people are good at different things, and it would be silly to do something you are not good at yourself in order to remain 'dominant'.

Mistakes happen - only a fool refuses to learn from his mistakes, or pretends to strengths he doesn't have. To me, being 'dominant' doesn't mean doing everything myself, or even being dominant in situations where I am wiser to defer to another's judgment. I am confident in my abilities - I know what I'm good at and what I'm not good at.

I tend to display that confidence most of the time - sometimes it slips - but then I'm human. And confidence has never prevented me from apologizing if I'm wrong, or admitting I don't know something.

I've often thought that a truly confident person is always ready to admit a mistake and offer restitution, if it's called for. That confidence, I think, is where the dominance comes from too.

I don't have to be right, I don't have to be best, I don't have to be perfect to be dominant. What I do have to be is confident in my own abilities, have the confidence to think before making a decision, and have the confidence to carry my decisions through. But more so, I feel that having the confidence to admit when I was wrong or need help in something without feeling diminished is what makes me able to dominate.

Those who claim never to be wrong, or who feel capable of doing everything are the ones I distrust most (whether the person is dominant or submissive). And any dominant who expects to be taken seriously knows better than to claim perfection.

My two cents worth, anyway.

[Tojo]

I guess if I was perfect I'd figure out how to use the multi-quote, or at least how to turn the darn thing off!

I don't have to be right, I don't have to be best, I don't have to be perfect to be dominant. What I do have to be is confident in my own abilities, have the confidence to think before making a decision, and have the confidence to carry my decisions through. But more so, I feel that having the confidence to admit when I was wrong or need help in something without feeling diminished is what makes me able to dominate.

That's what I was looking for Whippet- thank you. Whether in everyday life or the D/s community, there's always the 'Top Dogs' the unquestioned ones who have to appear perfect at all times.

I can't see that it's necessary, a real man doesn't have to talk tough or act like he's always in control. Those sort have a tendency to fall apart- if you can't bend, you break.

Friends- I am not perfect.

I am human & make mistakes. When I first started my great journey into Domland, I was a lousy dominant. I was lucky to have some good people to talk to, & read a lot of stuff.

To be able to admit that you're not perfect, is a powerful experience. I like to grow a little every day- how would I do that if I was already perfect??

Unfortunately it's a step into the unknown, & rather frightening for some. Have courage brothers- being human isn't so bad!

Great- but not perfect- thats me.

[blythe spirit]

Friends- I am not perfect.

I agree with almost everything you say, but never have agreed so much before. heheehehe.

[Tojo]

I agree with almost everything you say, but never have agreed so much before. heheehehe.

LMAO!

[Hime]

This thread is a good read for me, since I'm relatively new to topping and sometimes I'm tough on myself when I make mistakes or have one of those "okay... what next?" moments. It's nice to think that those things just make me human, not necessarily a Failure at Dominatrixing.

[thrall]

LMAO....


Being "perfect" reminds me of this........





If you cant dazzle them with brilliance....then baffle them with bullshit!

[His_blizzard]

What on earth are you all talking about??? My Dom is perfect.......




For me!

[suchaminx]

What on earth are you all talking about??? My Dom is perfect.......




For me!

blizz - you have captured it in such a few words.......'Perfect for me'. At the end of the day that is all that matters xx

[Ozme52]

What on earth are you all talking about??? My Dom is perfect.......




For me!

Yes!! And isn't that the point.

If we were all the same, only a few of the subs would be happy.

If the subs were all the same, only a few of the dom/mes would be happy.

In fact... it's really the pairing of two people that makes for "perfection."

[tessa]

I was a bit flippant in my initial response. I apologize for that. All these thought-provoking comments have given me pause to consider this idea of "perfection" a bit more in-depth. Especially this one-

In fact...it's really the pairing of two people that makes for "perfection."

I've been thinking and thinking on this.

Based on personal experience, as well as hearing of the experiences of others, even in this kinky-fied arena, it seems like there is still some need to define and label the heck out of things. And if one doesn't "fit" into a few or more of those already established slots, then they're qualified as being less than respectful of (or serious about) this lifestyle. It's led to a lot of confusion and heartache for this newbie, let me just say.

Don't get me wrong, there are wonderfully accepting people to be known here, who just don't bother with trying to qualify what's "right" or that's there's only a specified way of going about all this learning. Through these lovely souls, I've come to realize that "perfection" is possible, but only within the just-right connection (and even then, it's a tough sell at times). Oz's comment hit home with me because as I try to figure some of this out for myself, I find that there are no resolutes, no certainties. Only by coupling with their "perfect" mate (which isn't necessarily just one person in the course of a lifetime), can one find out what's true for them. And that truth may fit no one else's truth.

And you know what? That is very okay.

The perfect Dominant, the perfect submissive, the perfect D/s relationship- can it be?? I think the answer is yes, but I qualify that 'yes' with the following-

Each relationship is made unique and precious by the hearts, souls and minds involved. Therein lies the perfection. And all of what that relationship develops into has worth, whether it's agreed with or not.

There is nothing wrong with having a firm belief in your own skills and abilities. The problem is arrogantly thinking that you know it all and that you have nothing left to learn.

Exactly that.

Thank you all for what you have to contribute here. Every word matters.

tessa

[Aussiegirl1]

This is a great topic and there have already been so many great comments. I would like to reinforce what Polaris said about subs thinking they need to be perfect too.

I know I used to compare myself to other subs, especailly those who started with their frist Dom around the same time as me. After a while, as the confidence in my own abilities grew, I realised that it didn't matter what other subs did! My Master did not want me to be like other subs, he wanted me to be myself.

I also learnt that to be a sub, for me anyway, meant feeling lots of emotions. I was not always like the subs who seem to be able to handle any situation, because I was real and my feelings were real. Those times were actually the ones that helped me to grow as a sub, as it meant I talked to my Master about those feelings and we both learnt from them. Being a sub is about learning and growing with the Dom you are with. I think the same applies to Doms, they too should learn and grow from the sub they are with.

That to me is what makes a Dom perfect - that they can listen, learn, grow and of course, admit they don't know everything. Like Whippet said, they should be confident in their own abilities. Now that sounds perfect to me!

[icey]

whats a perfect Dom/me? Dom/me is a title and is one who doesnt go round reminding everyone who and what they are day in day out,they just quietly and confidently get on with their lives..mistakes and all.
as for humility thats something we all have at times whether its intentional or not, we all also have vanity and pride too whether that be a sub/slave Dom or the family pet lol!!

at times Icehawk has 'served' me and shown 'humility' in some shape or form in many different ways, does that mean hes a perfect or imperfect Dom? nope...it just makes him who and what he is.humility comes in many guises and those who cant admit to having it are either insecure or just havnt worked it out yet, well thats my take on it anyway

[Borgs_slave]

I don't believe in perfect. I believe we all have faults and weaknesses. I want a Dom to be human and not try to convey a message of perfectness. Admitting one has faults is something I respect more than not admitting them.

I want someone I can learn and grow with not one that thinks they have learned it all.

[_ID_]

you awl are off you're roker... i never make mistakes I are absolutly purfekt

[thrall]

you awl are off you're roker... i never make mistakes I are absolutly purfekt

I love you ID!!!!.........

[AdrianaAurora]

Do we need to be perfect? Should we be able to accept criticism and admit that we make mistakes?

For some reason this reminded me of “Secretary”. The movie was an average art flick with not much relevance to BDSM community, but one thing that struck me (and I am sure it was purely incidental on their part) was how full of doubt and imperfect the Dominant was.

Its true that there are submissives who build up impossible fairytale expectations about a perfect Dominant who will come and sweep them of their feet, not unlike knight in shining armour, forgetting one crucial fact – Dominant is a human being.
And sometimes Dominant’s forget that its ok for them to be human.

Basis of a good Dom is that he is mindful of his submissive and aware that its impossible for submissive to grow into her submission if he insists he is perfect and doesn’t grow as a Dominant. But I think you already have that covered.

I don’t see Dominant and submissive relationship as one better than another, but rather as two equals of the whole. They are complimentary, each brining into the relationship what the other needs.

Even if it were possible to achieve universal ideal of perfection (whatever that may be), who would want that? Perfection is mind-numbingly boring. Joy comes from the journey, not from reaching the destination.

[lily27]

I know several "Doms" who feel that they can't be questioned or challenged, and most certainly not by a lowly sub. Nothing makes me lose respect for them faster.

[AdrianaAurora]

I know several "Doms" who feel that they can't be questioned or challenged, and most certainly not by a lowly sub. Nothing makes me lose respect for them faster.

I know what you mean, they forget that intelligence has nothing to do with dominance or submission. I can sometimes spot a Dominant even before He knows it, and I just as well read insecure wannabes who think submissive is an easy lay.

Everyone makes mistakes; those who admit it and grow from it are the real thing. There is a world of difference (no matter how latent it may seem) between a Dominant and a domineering jerk.

[ashtonDs]

The sad thing is everywhere on the web there are subs who are looking for the perfect Dom/me. And on top of that they look down on and/or get angry with those who try to point out the impossibility of their quest. The only thing sadder are the subs who think they have already found it. It's like they read too many BDSM stories and believe them all.


Listening to, or reading their postings, they all sound very lazy. The perfect Dom/me is like Prince Charming, get taken away and life happily ever after is perfect. No effort need be expended on their part. Master or Mistress Charming knows whatever they need without asking and gives it to them. Then, boom. Reality sucks sometimes. A burnt hand is the only teacher they will listen to. (Then again, maybe not. They would probably blame themselves.)

It's too scary to think about someone pushing me into that role, and they would have to push. I'd never take it on myself. But I don't have to worry about that. I'm going to have a like-minded switch. Then we would only need to be perfect half the time.