musings

[Mishka]

Wolfscout would like me to share more openly my journey with BDSM. A journal of sorts. This is for my Sir, I hope he likes it.

I didn't know I wanted to be so submissive, or a pet, it actually started out as a joke. No, that's not quite right...it started out with me in pain, and Wolfscout became my friend. He was in pain, too, for very different reasons, so I became his friend.

That was two years ago. We met on another forum. I went to get support for my marriage that was falling down around me and to get some rebelling out of my system.

I met this funny, naughty, insatiable, kind man. He teased, I teased back, and a natural flow of conversation came from that. I tried to offer him comfort on sleepless nights. He let me cry on his shoulder when I needed someone to understand what I was going through. Of course we talked of everyday things, too.

Forward to last summer. I read a thread of a woman I knew there about her realization of needing to submit. She was used to being in charge, ravaging her lovers...and she came to a place where she just needed to surrender. Reading it I realized that was exactly what I had been wanting. She put words to my feelings, the longings I had to not run every aspect of my life, especially my sex life. I cried a lot.

I started to explore, just read, think. Then another thread popped up there and it had to do with collaring and some different aspects of BDSM. One was a pet tied to a leash and animal play. That's where the joke came in. I told him I'd probably bust out laughing if I was told to act like a dog. (No offense to those who enjoy that, it's just not a scenario I had ever thought of at that time.) He thought he would enjoy having someone on a leash.

I know you’ll think this very amusing, but he wasn’t so sure he could see himself in the role of a Dominant, though his mind sometimes wandered there. How times do change. I asked him. It was just this past November. I couldn’t ask just anyone to explore this with me, I needed it to be a friend, someone I trusted. I couldn’t give the reigns over to my husband, I was the one leading that sex life by bit and bridle. With Wolfscout, we could explore this together. This forum was on my reading list, so he came soon after I did. I’d say it has had a very positive influence on him.

He is my BDSM journey. I love how we communicate now, the roles we play in each other’s lives. It’s still a wonderful, respectful friendship, but I feel loved and cared for as a pet that I don’t anywhere else in my life.

I have only one complaint. It’s only online. I’m not allowed to pout, though. Sir makes it work with patience and understanding, and I have learned from his example.

[Guest 91108]

I have a very large grin for my friend and pet.
We have both come some ways since November ... Smile.

And I did need some informative tips here that pulled many things together for me. I will always remember that it was my friend mishka who did that for me.

[Mishka]

I'm so glad you're pleased with my task, Sir.

[Guest 91108]

hrm.. i need a breasts/nipples breakfast smiles.

[Mishka]

bon appe~tit

[Guest 91108]

well now, mmm that was delicious. what else you have to offer for the noon meal ?

[Dorkalicious]

That was quite beautiful, I must say You described it so well, and it really makes me feel for you, and be happy for you. Although, if I myself was in your position (as far as it only being online), I would probably pout, haha.

It's wonderful that you two have come this far, and I hope that the rest of your journey is just as wonderful! I'm sure it will be, you two have such great personalities =D They can't help but compliment each other.

[Mishka]

Thank you dorkalicious. He certainly is something special.

[Guest 91108]

aww. stop before I think about blushing or some silly such thing.

[suchaminx]

Wolf and Miskha ~HUGS~ for you both - wonderful story and thank you for sharing

p.s. Wolf I think I would pay money to see you blush ~running away fast and giggling~

minxy x

[Mishka]

Wolf and Miskha ~HUGS~ for you both - wonderful story and thank you for sharing

p.s. Wolf I think I would pay money to see you blush ~running away fast and giggling~

minxy x

It's rare. But very cute.

[Guest 91108]

thanks minxy..
but .. um .. if i was to blush i'd do it privately.

[suchaminx]

spoilsport

~laughing and giving you a hug~

minxy xx

[Guest 91108]

O..o

[Mishka]

Don't look at me like that...I can tell when you've blushed.

[Guest 91108]

hrm.... no comment.

[wolfs_lilgirl]

hrm.... no comment.

heeee diiiiiddd!!! heee didddd!!! smiles! i have never seen my Sir blush!!1 smiles!! aww so cute!! wonderfull story mishka!!

[Guest 91108]

I did not silly lilgirl.

[wolfs_lilgirl]

I did not silly lilgirl.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *thinks* i think u did!!! *smiles runs and hides.. behind the couch!*

[Wolven_Vixen]

Mishka,
Wolf is something special, and I know you are too! I'm glad he has helped you.

I should thank you too, for introducing him to this life, and for being there for him.

*hugs*

[Mishka]

*hugs* WV

[Guest 91108]

Wonders why you have not posted to your thread.

[Mishka]

I haven't known what to say. But now that you mention it...

I have been thinking lately about the challenges of online relationships. How easy it is to get frustrated. The distance, off-line life always taking more and more of our time and feeling guilty about it. I'm learning not to let it.

It's about trust. We do the best we can with what we have. It's from the heart and that's what counts.

[Guest 91108]

Yes. that is how it must be seen. from the heart with the time you are given.
however long or brief.

Sometimes relationships evolve into other types of things , sometimes they need to revert back to simpler ones.

sighs.

[Mishka]

My failure.

[Mishka]

This isn't anything melodramatic about why I didn't work as a sub for WS. No accusations or soap opera, no excuses. I just had some time to think and wanted to write down what I learned from this, to take with me.

It's true, I failed.

I had recently been encouraged by this post:

The things that are likely to stick in your mind as you participate in a community like this are the most extreme things. If you're going to get your introduction to BDSM in a place like this, it's just important to realize and remember that it's not necessary for everyone to live at the extreme end of the spectrum. For every person who has 6 live-in slaves who wear chastity devices 24/7 and have highly structured rules about when they're allowed to speak, there are probably 30 people who like to tie up their partner, fuck them in the ass and then apologize for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. No spot on that spectrum is inherently "better" than another. It's just about finding the right place for you. So if you're not sure that you'd be happy being actively submissive every day, don't be afraid to try being submissive for just one day. (posted by cage in the thread 'do you ever feel like not being a sub')

The first thing I learned is to be realistic about expectations and what I can give or not give. With all good intentions I could not give what I thought I could. What I had intended to give, no matter how sincere. If I had a real life situation it would probably be very much like the

people who like to tie up their partner, fuck them in the ass and then apologize for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning.

The second thing was about communication. I'm old enough to know this already. I have a marriage that actually was saved because we finally communicated. As I wrote in another thread, I hated it when I failed a task or couldn't be online when planned. I had bitten off more than I could chew (no pun intended). I certainly didn't want to admit it at first. I guess I thought it would iron itself out. When I realized that I had to accept it I didn't say anything. That isn't fair to the other person. Online relationships need better communication than that. Otherwise the other person feels like they're put on a shelf until you want them next. Had I been honest with myself about what I could offer and had communicated that better it would have been more obvious sooner what would and would not work.

Looking over it I find it sad, that these are such obvious things, but I missed them because I didn't look hard enough... not at myself and not at us as a couple.

Well, those are the musings of the day. Still learning...still growing.

[cariad]

Sounds like you have succeeded in coming to know yourself, rather than it being your failure, as you said in your previous post.

cariad

[gagged_Louise]

Mishka, how can you judge yourself as a washout sub after just a few days (I read the post you're quoting and it was just days ago).

I still think caged hit on a bunch of important points in that post: there's no standard model for what a D/s relationship must look like, neither online nor offline, and you can't expect online to fyunction like if you lived in the same house. Even yesterday there were wserious server problems that blocked many of us from posting or accessing PM folders (I know, I was there). An online relation can't always run by a timetable and it will never run like clockwork, except if it's complemented by actual real-life encounters every week.

[Mishka]

An online relation can't always run by a timetable and it will never run like clockwork, except if it's complemented by actual real-life encounters every week.

I can't begin to tell you how much this has helped me. I have high expectations of myself and can't stand falling short, displeasing, not doing "enough".

I wonder though...how else does it work? It doesn't look like R/l, it would be difficult for it to. Is it just vivid cybering? Is there submission without cybering? Is it as simple as the respect that is shared in the relationship, and that makes it work? Something as simple as that?

Just pondering.

[Mishka]

Once again, 24 hours can be very fruitful. I had the chance to answer my own questions, or at least in part, thanks to another friendly sub willing to share from experience. Summing up their words:

As for submitting without cyber...

-being available to Him as much as life allowed
-conveying my need for Him through writings, completing the tasks He gave me, sending a picture to Him He wanted (takes a lot of trust)
-writing lengthy stories about a certain fetish of His,
-finding pictures on the net that He had a certain kink for, but didn't have time to look for
-writing in a Journal for Him.
-If we agreed to be online or talk on the phone, we made sure ahead of time as best as possible, that we could both fulfill that commitment. If for some reason we couldn't, an email or call at the very soonest available time was made to let the other know. But that didn't happen often as we usually knew all the what's and when's ahead of time.

It took much focus and energy on BOTH our parts. He was always consistent, following through with what He said He would do, pouring as much of Himself into me as I was into Him.

If one is going to muse, this subject is worth the effort.