Help? Please

[starry]

Hi, My names starry and I'm a 35 yr old recently widowed submissive in search of some good reading material on dominance & submission. Hoping a little info about my situation might help. I jus discovered this site 15 minutes ago and here I am begging strangers for help... *lil laugh* Not even sure if this is the right place to ask for help. But- here goes. My mate/master of 17 years is suddenly gone and I find myself dating, hoping each date will be dominate. I met someone who is a natural at this, only problem is he dont know it yet. I'm tired of scaring people off when I break out the flogger...*winks atcha as I shake my head* Seriously this guys a keeper and I dont wanna freak him out with my desires sooooooo
Any suggestions???

[Beswitchingly Positive]

Oh, honey, after being with someone for 17 years, it might take a little trial and error to find a suitable new partner. My heart goes out to you.

I have found that gambling on a man's Dom potential takes me out of the moment. If you like this one, best to enjoy what you have now and if he is a natural it should progress naturally, with subtle encouragement.

I have had good luck not assuming I know what someone else wants, but taking things slow and making it a long, fun adventure to find out all the particulars. Dating can be frustrating, you have to go through a lot of ash to find a diamond, and then not every diamond is the one. When a nice one comes a long, a 'keeper', it is hard to be objective about where my desire starts and his intersects, and how far we will go together. I like to not think about the potential and future so much as enjoy the present. Not to say I am an expert on men, but I have a lot of guy friends and good relations with most of my exes.

I love how open you are with your nervousness. This is a nice place to get advice and feed back and I hope you can find many helpful ideas here. I also understand the desire to reach out to a community like this for advise. You are not the first to feel like this.

I spent years married to a perfectly fine man who did not share my kinks. After I left him, I dated and stopped dating and fell into a few small relationships and recently I decided I would only look at or consider a man after I established he had some measure of bdsm experience. Unless a guy strikes up a conversation about floggers over dinner, damn near the only way I have found to ascertain kink factor up front was to put personals on spicy websites and state as clearly as possible what I want. I have also had good luck with this.

Maybe he is trying not to freak you out, how does one bring out the flogger tactfully? Hmmm. Back when I dated nilla guys I would just try to press them by generally playing rough and if they whined, I knew I was on the wrong track. Or I would encourage dominance at times, but I like to talk dirty, so I could usually tell for sure if a guy was into same as me pretty quick. I would try not to get attched in a loverly way if there was a discordant response.

I hope this helps.

[slaveangel{HM}]

Hello and Welcome to the Forums.
If you have any questions feel free to send me a PM anytime!
I hope you enjoy your time here with us.

[jeanne]

Hello and welcome - I wish you all blessings on your search for a new partner.

[angelic.zest]

Hello and Welcome!! hope you find what you're looking for

[Rhabbi]

Hello and to the forums.

My advice is to take it slow, but be upfront with him. It will be worse for you if you get into a relationship that does not give you what you want/need than if you chase him off.

[tessa]

First off,

Secondly, what a place to be in your life. It took me 14 years to say anything to my husband about my needs, so I'm not the best to hand out advice, but you see that's not stopping me.

If you want to see of your guy is okay with your desires, perhaps a subtle conversation after a couple glasses of wine would help, see if he resonds favorably to little quips and flirts about spankings and such.

Best of all to you!

tessa

[Flaming_Redhead]

I can sympathize with your plight. I divorced after 10 years and began exploring this lifestyle online. The problem was that all the guys I tried to date got completely weirded out whenever I tried to explain what I was into. I gave up trying to date vanilla men since I'd already decided I could never be happy in another relationship of that sort and ended up posting a profile on a BDSM dating site. Imagine my surprise when the first guy I agreed to meet for dinner turned out to be most wonderful man imaginable, and 2 1/2 months later, he gives me the best birthday present ever!!!!

If you are really determined to broach the subject with your guy, there are suggestions in Knowledge Base and My BDSM Life. Use the search function located in the tool bar at the top of your screen to quickly find helpful threads. I guess it all depends on how patient your are and how much effort you think it's worth to start from scratch versus just finding a Dom with 20 years experience. Best of luck in whatever you choose to pursue!

[nk_lion]

Hello and welcome to the forums.
I'm not that much older then the length of your previous relationship (sorry for your loss), but I do wish you the best of success in finding someone who can make you truely happy. People here are great in advice so hopefully you'll find all the information you are looking for.

[Widget]

hello there and welcome, i hope you find what your looking for

[crikey_2004]

Hi and welcome to the forums! Well, this post was three days ago now, so I have to wonder if you got the answer you were hoping for and if you got to divulge your dark secret to this man. I can only imagine how exciting it would be to have such a confession made to me, but then I'm here in the forum, so by default such a confession would be bound to get my motor running... It's hard for me to imagine the opposite reaction... lol