ABC's of DOMINANCE/submission

[Rhabbi]

This is an old article, written a few years ago when the internet was just starting. It may offend some that have differing opinions, but i can remeber some of these thoughts being common a few years ago. I like it because it is a basic tutrial in the wat it was, and maybe should be.


THE ABC's OF DOMINATION / submission
- author unknown-

Frankly, I think that most of what is written about the alternative
lifestyle is over analyzing, redundant, and slanted to the individual
perception of the writer. They all use the same buzz words and cliches
with a whole lot of "my opinions" thrown in as disclaimers. Each is a
proponent of a different philosophy and then there are 50 different
versions of each one of those.

Consequently, the beginner never sees the Forest, because he is kept
too busy
looking at all the different trees. So much to choose from! Old World,
New World, Victorian, Gor, Oriental, Old guard, New Guard, Rear Guard,
On Guard,
Right Guard, etc., etc. Then there are the differing concepts of
"protocol" and,
by the way, "Are you Dominate or submissive or a switch?" "Are you
into S&M,
B&D, D&S, what?" Whoa! You just got here! How the hell would you know
what you
are? The more of it you read and hear the more confusing it gets.

It's like going to a foreign country. The language is confusing and
you don't
know who you should be listening to. So, how do you make sense of it?

You can start by eliminating S&M and B&D from the vocabulary. S&M is
only about
pain and you will automatically discover whether or not this is for
you as you journey through this new life. B&D will take care of itself
as the natural extension of D/s in the playtime and punishment areas.
That leaves you with only one area and one question to ask yourself.
What turns you on? Being in control of another or being controlled by
another? That tells you whether you are dominant or submissive and
gives you a place to start. Yes, I left out Switch because if your
answer was, "I like both," then you don't qualify for D/s either. You
are only here for the Kinky Sex play. That's OK too,
just don't kid yourself that you are in the D/s lifestyle, because
you're not.
You're in the BS category (Bondage & Sex).

PREAMBLE

The first thing you should notice when you come to the alternative
lifestyle is that there is no white rabbit, grinning cat or stoned
caterpillar. You did not come to wonderland, you just left it. It is
the vanilla world that lives in fantasy, chasing the propagandized
carrot of some utopian Eden (that has never existed and never will)
while striving to project a false image of conforming to unnatural
standards that no normal person could possibly meet.
Vanilla life is demanding, complicated, confusing, and subversive.
THAT is a perverted
lifestyle!

D/s is not perverted, it is simple and honest. It allows for a natural
state of being and that alone makes it simple. That, also, makes it
incompatible with the double standards and judgmentalism of the
vanilla's life. The simple definition of our lifestyle is, "It is OK
to pursue your natural inclinations in any manner you are comfortable
with and you won't be condemned for it so long as you adhere to the
principles of Safe, Sane, and Consensual." So, why the hell do we
spend so many words and so much time and energy trying to redefine it.
It ain't broke and it don't need fixin.

There is something here for everyone. Dominants range from soft and
sensual dominance to strict and arbitrary disciplinarians while each
sub has a comfort level of submission they are willing to give. Please
note that I said "give," for submission can never be taken or forced,
it must be given freely. Sub submits because sub wants to, not because
sub has to. This is the second thing the newcomers must learn. The
first is to have realistic
expectations.


UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

How many people do you know live under the belief that we, the
"Kinkos," are somehow more honorable, truthful, trustworthy, tolerant,
and just all around better than them stuck-up, frustrated, unhappy,
dishonest, and ignorant vanilla folk? That our relationships are
somehow better? That D/s is based on medieval dungeons and dragons
crap? HA! This isn't fantasy. Just because they signed up for this
lifestyle does not automatically make them (or you) honorable,
truthful, or trustworthy. Whatever, their problem was before they came
here, they did not leave it at the door, they brought it with them. People
do not change, only their environment changes. Bad out there is worse
in here. Our lifestyle is more permissive and, therefore, more
dangerous. This IS Kansas,Toto, and what we are doing here is real,
not fantasy. More, not less, caution must be observed here. There is
no medieval Knight in Shining Armor or Dominant Prince Charming or
submissive Snow White Princess. No Goddess Domme Queen or perfect male
lackey. There is only real life and no amount of dungeon talk will
make it any different. You must exercise good judgment and use common
sense here just like any place else. If you do, and approach this as
learning and growing experience, the rewards are great. If you don't,
you have come to the wrong place.

THE EVOLUTION

Most of you haven't been around long enough to have experienced the
"closed community" that we once were. This was the time before
computers. During this
time the community was serene and basically trustworthy. Primarily,
because
we were very hard to find. The "communities" that existed then were
small cliques, very private, and very protective of their lifestyle.
In those days sponsorship was virtually required for admittance and a
probationary period governed by mentors was the general rule.
Consequently, there was uniform orientation and education. A Code of
Honor, based upon duty, truth, and loyalty was shared by all. Control
existed because dishonorable behavior resulted in expulsion, with
nowhere to turn. Other than the occasional "political" contest this
was a time of peaceful exploration, invention, and camaraderie.

THE REVOLUTION

And then one day, there appeared on the horizon a great microGod
bearing little "windows" for everyone which were filled with open
"Gates" to everything in the world. Suddenly, we were exposed and
vulnerable. As if our chat rooms and websites were the new statuary
beacon, the bored, the frustrated, the lonely, the psychotic, the
dysfunctional, the genuinely interested, and the just curious invaded
our boundaries behaving like wild elephants stomping around in a field
full of land mines gazing starry-eyed at all the wondrous new sights
and sounds. The audible intake of their collective
breaths could be heard throughout the land when they discovered our
permissive
attitude towards sexual experiences, our libido stirring methods, and
the sensation
producing "toys" we had developed. Parroting newly learned medieval
dungeon cliches, they brushed aside our warning words of caution,
denounced their former existence, and ordained themselves as members
of the roundtable of this lifestyle without so much as a "may I" or a
"thank you." While the majority of these newcomers were basically good
people seeking to find a place for themselves here, the sudden and
free availability of a playground where it was not only OK, but, they
were actually encouraged to act out their long suppressed desires and
fantasies was just too enticing and caused them to scoff at the notion
that a period of time was necessary for them to convert the old "vanilla"
habits, fully subscribe to the concept, and learn the ABC's of this
life. They
took over the chat rooms and most of the lists, became "experienced"
after only a
few weeks or months, and created a hot damn pseudo BDSM cyber
propelled lifestyle
which bears little resemblance to the real thing. Perfunctory protocol
and respect virtually disappeared overnight. Our terminology has been
redefined so many times, now, that a user unfriendly language has
evolved wherein every statement has to be prefaced with "In my
opinion" or the author faces a veritable lynch mob of chat roosters
and hens with cyber foam flying from their rabid fingertips. With
their "many" years of experience (two years in the chat room) they
authoritatively expound plagiarized quotations out of context which
only misleads and adds to the confusion already in the minds of the
newcomers.

D/s

What follows here is an attempt to put into proper perspective the
basic concept
of the D/s lifestyle and, hopefully, dispel some of the new
generational misperceptions which have been created in the name of
"opinions." None of the following is "my" opinion, conception, or
perception. The basics which are in this lifestyle are and those that
aren't just aren't. D/s is natural and simple and the less complicated
or opinionated you make it the better off you are. It is domination
and control on the one side and submission and relinquishing control
on the other. The degree and specifics of each relationship vary with
each individual and the only thing that really matters is that
whatever works for you is right for you regardless of what anyone else
thinks about
it. However, without an understanding of and adherence to the basic
concept of D/s,
NO alternative lifestyle relationship can survive. Many of those
basics have been lost in the shuffle and some common abuses need to be
pointed out. First, is terminology:

MASTER / MISTRESS

These are two of the most commonly misused terms in D/s. Titles carry
a very specific meaning and NO dominant may aggrandize themselves
through self ordainment as a Master or Mistress. In the D/s
relationship, these titles must be EARNED. It is bestowed upon them
ONLY by one who considers them to be their Master or Mistress and they
and ONLY they may properly address them as such. Even when
introducing them to another they should say this is "MY"
Master/Mistress and not introduce them as just Master/Mistress so and
so. What the hell are they Master/Mistress of? Titles are not
meaningless. Also, a dominant may never order a submissive to refer to
them as
Master/Mistress and a submissive may never address them as such unless
they are, in fact. Their Master/Mistress.

A screen name that begins with Master/Mistress is supposed to tell you
that they
have a sub who has ordained them or that they have been accorded the
title by
general consensus of their peers for their achievements and/or
accomplishments
within this lifestyle, otherwise, their screen name should NOT be
preceded by
the title. It IS proper to include these terms in descriptor context
such as "A
Gentle Master or A sensual Mistress," but, to declare oneself
"Maryville Master"
is wrong simply because it is a misnomer. They are not, in fact, the
Master of
Maryville. This is basic, not subject to "opinion," and not to be
confused with
protocol. Protocol is a matter of individual preference, like whether
a sub
calls all dominants Sir or Ma'am. Some do, some don't. Either way is
right for them or edicted by their chosen Master/Mistress.

Some dominants have been granted titles by an organization they belong
to, but,
that title is only applicable within or in reference to that
organization and
should not be used otherwise. It is, also, proper to refer to one as a
Master of
a particular method or instrument, such as the single tail or knife
play, but,
only in that context.

Titles, such as Grand Master or Grand Matriarch, have been bestowed to
a very
few in this lifestyle by general consensus as a matter of respect for
their
lifestyle accomplishments, knowledge, commitment, and honorable code
of conduct
over many years. They are viewed as the elders of the community and
honored by
all.


SLAVE
The term "slave" has no place in D/s. Once a person contracts to be a
slave, they
no longer have any rights and, therefore, remove themselves from the
category of
D/s. Generally, it takes years and a journey through many stages for a
person to
accept themselves as slaves. Slave is the most misused term we have.
There is no
such thing as a "part time slave." Many a submissive has referred to
themselves
as slaves to indicate the depth of their submission and trust in their
Master
and sometimes they will use it to complain about their treatment ("I'm
nothing,
but, a slave to him!"). Dominants will sometimes refer to their subs
as slaves
in a playful way ("Come here, slave"), or as part of a particular
scene, or
maybe just to make a point or to punish like gagged, cuffed, and kept
on a leash
for a while. But, there is a world of difference between being a
submissive and
being a slave.

The submissive has rights and can leave at anytime. A slave is exactly
that,
owned property, with no rights other than those given them by their
owner. They
may be bought or sold or given away, just like cattle, with no choice
in the
matter. Anything belonging to the slave belongs to their owner. While the
Dom/sub relationship is consensual, the slave can be forced to do the
owner's
bidding. A slave has no safe word. He/she is totally at the mercy of
the owner!

The slave is at the extreme end of the spectrum. Slavery is almost
always entered into by contract for a specific amount of time and the
slave is ABSOLUTELY bound by the terms of that contract. Upon
expiration the slave is released and free to go or sign another
contract with that or another owner or even stop being a slave if they
choose. These
contracts are considered binding and must be respected within the
community, but,
will not hold in a court of law. All forms of slavery are illegal in
this country.

So long as the owner/slave participants are true lifestyle individuals
the relationship will satisfy both parties needs, be healthy, and have
a happy ending. It may even conclude as a permanent relationship.
However, the slave is the most at risk individual in our lifestyle and
the relationship must be entered into with great care and only by an
experienced person.

THE COLLAR

In the D/s world the collar is the symbol of commitment. The collar
may NEVER be
requested by the submissive. It must be offered by the dominant. It
may be offered as a "training" collar or as a "contracted" collar. A
collar can, also, be given and accepted without a formal contract. The
"training" collar is, in essence, an engagement ring (a trial period
to test the relationship before making a final commitment). It may
consist of any conditions or time limits agreed upon by the parties. A
"contracted" collar is a wedding band and the collaring ceremony is
the wedding in this lifestyle. Most of what
transpires in these ceremonies is individual preference, but
generally, a contract
has been negotiated by the two and drawn up, read aloud by both as a
declaration of their commitments and then signed as a formal and
binding conclusion to the ceremony. This may be done in private or
with witnesses. The Collaring is a very serious affair and should not
be entered into without soul searching, forethought and extensive
discussion by the parties. Once the submissive accepts the collar they
automatically make the dominant their Master/Mistress and are
unilaterally bound by the terms of the agreement. Likewise, so is the
dominant. Any violation is grounds for dissolution (divorce).

Either party has the right to dissolve the contract at any time. In
all cases, the collar is the property of the dominant and must be
returned to them. The wearing of a collar not given by a dominant is
strictly forbidden and no dominant may approach a submissive wearing a
collar without the permission of the collars owner. If a dominant is
approached by a collared sub they are honor bound to determine if the
sub has permission to do so.

RESPECT

In the world of D/s, predilection is not the measuring stick for
respect. This attitude that so many have that a dominant is somehow
superior to the submissive and, therefore, more deserving of respect
is ludicrous. The submissive deserves just as much respect for their
submissiveness as the dominant does for their dominance. In the first
place, a dominant cannot be dominant without a submissive and visa
versa. They are interdependent upon each other. That fact alone makes
them equally deserving of respect, one from the other.

Simply because the submissive interacts as the subjugate in the
relationship does not demean their character or their stature as a
person. Conversely, dominance does not automatically elevate one. They
are equal partners in the relationship, each fulfilling the others
needs, and, therefore, entitled to equal respect for what each brings
to the relationship.

The type of dominant or submissive one is, Sadist or Doormat,
Sensualist or
masochist, Disciplinarian or Brat, matters not. They are still
entitled to respect. In this lifestyle one does not choose their
predilection. They are what they are. The whole point of our lifestyle
is that we are free to pursue our own natural course absent
condemnation so long as we adhere to the principles of SSC.

To arbitrarily consider any person to be inferior and, therefore,
unentitled to
respect based solely upon a different predilection is judgmentalism
and bias in it's crassest form and it is wrong! Only those who do not
understand this are undeserving of respect.

I narrowly confine this to the world of domination and submission
(D/s) and this has nothing to do with respect, or the lack of it,
based upon individuality. The point I am making, is that to blatantly
consider anyone less entitled simply because they are physically,
racially, ideologically, or in any natural way oppositional prone to
your conceptions and preferences is dead wrong, fatal to any D/s
relationship, and automatically excludes the bearer of this attitude
from the lifestyle.


TRUST AND COMMUNICATION

The D/s relationship is based solely upon trust. (The love factor is
automatically assumed herein.) The depth of the relationship is equal
to the amount of that trust. It is very important to understand that
trust is never accorded automatically, it must be earned. Not by
words, but, by actions. If trust is the foundation, then communication
is the vehicle the
Relationship rides upon. The more honest and open the communication
the further,
faster, and deeper the relationship will grow.

SCENE PLAY IN D/s

Scene play is a very small percentage of what this lifestyle is about,
and yet almost all of our conversation and about 90% of all education
offered is about this 10%. It is no wonder that the new dominant's
attitude is that being able to flog properly maketh the dominant and
the one with the most toys and blackest vest is the best. In the first
place, scene play is not about equipment or style or technique and
most importantly it is not about the how the dominant looks. Scene
play is the consummation of the overall relationship and the quality
of it is determined by how deep their understanding of this lifestyle
is, how much trust has been developed, the quality of the
communication, and how tuned into each other the subjects are. It is
the interaction between the TWO
of them that makes it happen!!! It makes no difference what the
dominant uses or
how he uses it. That is not the focus. It is the subs reactions to
what the dominant is
doing that matters. That is where the attention needs to be focused.
Learning how to use a flogger is necessary, but, that is all it is,
necessary. Flogging never ever put a sub in space. Only the dominant
can do that.

Flip everything over and you have the subs side of it. They bear the
same responsibilities from the opposite end. Scene play is
action/reaction. If the sub does not react openly and honestly to what
the dominant is doing the scene will fail to produce the desired
result. The subs reactions are a road map for the dominant. They tell
him when to go, when to stop, when to turn, when to go slow, and when
to speed up. The only way for the sub to determine the quality of the
dominant in scene play is if they are sending the dominant true
signals to read.

Beginners should always use some form of safe words or signals such as
(the most
common) the traffic light. Red, yellow, and green which mean exactly
the same
thing for this. And, a submissive ALWAYS has the right to say NO! No
exceptions!
Nothing is ever done in scene play that is not Safe, Sane, and
Consensual. That
is the one ironclad unbreakable rule!

Submission does not absolve one from any responsibility. They can't
just be a
lump of clay waiting around to be molded by the right dominant. They
have to be
able to recognize the right dominant when they show up and they have
to be able
to recognize when it is not the right one. And they can't do it unless
they understand why the hell they are here! For both, that knowledge
or the pursuit of it is what separates the pretenders from the real
lifestyle people.


THE RIGHT REASONS

I saved this for the end instead of the beginning because I don't
believe that very many of us really understand why the hell we are
here until we have actually savored the different experiences
available, for that is how we really find out just what it is that
floats our particular boat. However, your reason for being here is the
one single determinant as to whether you SHOULD be here or not. If you
find that what turns you on is just the kinky sex, open mindedness,
and permissive attitude, go home! If this is only weekend fun for
you, go home! Or, go find a swingers group. Submissives are not
hookers you don't have to pay and dominants are not super studs who
will treat you to sensation space for the
night. D/s lifestylers are "normal" people pursuing what is natural
for them. Domination or submission is their way of life. It IS their
life! ALL their life. ALL the time.

THE END

Anyone who attains this level of understanding has the right to refer
to themselves as "Lifestyle." Anything beyond this is personal
preference and should be prefaced by "in my opinion." The genius of
our Lifestyle is that there is no right or wrong outside of SSC.
Therefore, each individual can adjust, alter, and adapt it to
themselves. There is no school one may attend to receive official
certification or a degree in any of this. There is no union one can
join as an apprentice and work their way up through a prescribed
regimen to Master something or other. There are a multitude of books
written by various and sundry people which one can read unto infinity,
however, each and every one of
these is nothing other that the writers perception, conception, or
opinion. We
have no recognized authority to provide accreditation for any of it.
No matter
how much research one does, their view, in the final analysis will be
their own philosophy. Anything you, I, or anyone else says will be, in
fact, an opinion.
The amount of credibility one's opinion has is determined by the number of
people who share it.

The beauty of our Lifestyle is that there is no requirement to
conform, i.e., no judgmentalism. No stated philosophy may be called a
judgment simply because it disagrees with another. Only if and when
the author "demands" conformity to their viewpoint, does their
statement become judgmental.

NOTE: I deliberately excluded the subject of Mentoring due to the fact
that
there are not enough qualified Mentors for the overwhelming number of
newcomers
now upon us. However I strongly recommend that newcomers seek information,
advice, and counseling only from those with five or more years of REALTIME
experience.

[His_blizzard]

Thank you for this very interesting and informative essay. I think it will be very beneficial to many. "Peace" ~blizz~

[angelic.zest]

Thanks for sharing Rhabbi

kurixxx

[fantassy]

Wow, glad that article wasn't here when I first started exploring. It would have driven me away immediately.

fantassy

[Dorkalicious]

I think it makes some valid points. Thank you for sharing!

[gloombunny]

It makes some valid points, but drowns them in a sea of crap.

[Mishka]

I think I've read this before. My take on him was that he felt his lifestyle invaded upon by cyberspace. That the code he had lived by and believed whole heartedly in was being taken lightly.

It was not a welcoming article, but had good reminders about respect and simple manners in D/s.

[_ID_]

I like the article. There are some hard truths to it. There are some opinionated portions as well, but mostly hard truths.

[MMI]

I enjoyed the author's writing style, and it even made me chuckle out loud sometimes. Clearly, the writer thinks there is only one true path ... which is Safe, Sane and Consensual ... the only hard-and-fast rule. If that's so, why is he looking down his nose at weekend players, self-styled Masters, lovers of kinky sex and the rest: there's no rule against them. Anyway, he's wrong, SSC isn't a hard and fast rule (even if it should be). He's also wrong that the people he disapproves of ... the casual, kinky dilettanti ... are precluded somehow from the lifestyle.

That said, I think it was well-worth reading and I think items like this should become compulsory reading for newbies (like me) in here.

[Rhabbi]

I thought long aand hard before posting this essay. Like the author, I did not like what I saw happening when the internet came into play. We watched as our relatively simple life suddenly became complicated when we were easy to find. This was not a pleasant experiance, nor was it a bad one. The aauthor was not dumping the people who dabble only on the weekens, nor was he condemning those who wanted to know more. He was saying that this is a life that takes a commitment, and there are some basice rules that apply to everyone. We had seen people that were there for the kink, that is the originlal origin of the term "bottom." They were there to experiment, and we welocomed them.

But being a Dom, or a sub, takes time. It does not happen because you procalim yourself one in a chat room, it happens because you grow into the role. This is waht he was saying. We need to remember this as we make our journey through life.

[MMI]

"If you find that what turns you on is just the kinky sex, open mindedness,
and permissive attitude, go home! If this is only weekend fun for
you, go home! Or, go find a swingers group." I read that as dumping dabblers.

As a newbie ... I have proclaimed myself as an internet dom for no other reason than I cannot get turned on by playing with myself just because someone else told me to, but I do know it would turn me on if someone I chatted to would play with herself because I asked her to. I am wholly inexperienced and I have described myself as "one step away from vanilla" (I wouldn't have even used that word in any other context than ice cream a month ago). So far, I just come here and browse or chat - so I'm only playing on the internet. I will not stay here for long if what I discover about the D/s lifestyle turns out to be something I can't deal with properly. But I have to find out if I can deal with it ... and if I want to. And if I do, then maybe I will be able to change my lifestyle. That's a whole new can of worms.

OK - I know this is just discussion, and that I chose to use my situation as an example, but until I reach that decision, I am one of the dilettanti the author refers to above, and I disagree with him that because I have no "status" I should go home.

[Rhabbi]

MMI,

Think about this, someone comes to a group that is about D/s and shows up occasionally, only wants the sex, and never makes any effort to accept the others there for who they truly are. These are the ones that need to go home, not the dabblers. This is real life, and if you do not understand that, you do not belong here. You are new to it, and I think you are sincere in wanting to leaarn, at least you do not claim to be more than you are. But life takes time, and we are all learning, no matter how old we are.

[fantassy]

This is real life, and if you do not understand that, you do not belong here.

I sure don't understand WTF this means, but how come you get to tell me I don't belong here? I was here before you. And have been quite happy here.

fantassy

[MMI]

I can see what you mean Rhabbi ... but that didn't come across from the original post. Not to me anyway.

[Dorkalicious]

I was just thinking about this:

If it wasn't for the fact that this lifestyle was "exposed" online, I don't know who I would be today.... I highly doubt that I would be the same at all. I definitely wouldn't know anything about BDSM, or even know why I had certain urges...=/

[coookie]

thank you Rhabbi, i did find this article very interesting with many realities in it. I think that the writer was indeed bitter ...words such as invading lead me to believe this but i am sure that many people in the lifestyle where taken aback by the explosion in numbers and he does have included in these, genuinely interested people. I would imagine it would have been frustrating to see what they held so dear, changing and morphing into something they were not accustomed.

I think what exists today are two somewhat connected, yet stand alone societies. I have not experienced bdsm in real life...some people look down at me for that; others say it is just fine. I believe it has been a wonderful aspect of myself to learn. I do not pretend to know what it is like in real life.

I do not accept the theory, however, that online is not possible and less of a "lifestyle" choice as i have read in other forums. (i do find the library to have far fewer judgments like that and instead promotes people to learn) It takes great trust and commitment to make an online D/s relationship work.

One of the most wonderful things is that people are free to choose their level of participation under the umbrella of BDSM. The tricky part is finding someone who shares our views.

[boytoy2mistress]

hear ye, hear ye, willow

[fireandice]

I consider myself to be fairly new to this lifestyle, but I tend to agree with what was originally written. I wanted to experience this in real life, not just in chat rooms and blah blah blah (I'm not very internet savvy in case you haven't noticed already). In my opinion, you can't really understand the meaning of this sort of lifestyle unless you've truly practiced it in real life.

But that's just my opinion. I think some good points were brought up, and I'm glad that I was smart enough to consider them before I chose my Dom. I worry that many subs might not be so discerning-- you should be. Being a submissive does not give anyone and everyone the right to treat you as an inferior. It is the most valuable and precious gift you can give to someone. They should value it as much as you do.

[Rhabbi]

fantassy,

I was not talking about the forums. Trust me, I was in this life before you. When I first started doing this I risked arrest everytime i met with my friends. I was trying to explain to MMI what the original author meannht when he wrote what he did. Sorry if you took it wrong.

MMI,

That is probably because the author did not say it properly. He was angry when he wrote it, the things we had worked for years to accomplish were being torn down. It was, and still is, sad.


Dorkalicious,
What you say here is one reason that I am in favor of what the internet has accomplished. The exposure is a good thing, but the wannabes have it easier here to.

[MMI]

Then I missed the point entirely. Apologies.

[His_blizzard]

Although my D/s union is practiced face to face more than online, we met in a D/s chatroom so without the influence of the internet, I would be Dragonless and most likely Domless as well, or at least not with a Dominant that is of the caliber of mine.
I also see where the players and trolls are now having a field day taking advantage of our lifestyle while laughing at us behind our backs after they have gotten off on our "kinks" so to speak.
Like anything else in life, we have to take the good with the bad. I would not have ever felt complete without the type of union I have now, but I will defend to my death the right of others to be solely online. I only ask one thing and it is from the bottom of my heart. Please don't judge me because of my beliefs and practices and I will return that respect. I consider it a great honor to have found so many wonderful D/s friends in sites such as this one. "Peace" ~blizz~

[shifha]

There seems to me to be a certain amount of illogical thinking involved here. If the author of this article belonged to a group functioning before, and presumably, outside the internet, then this group would be for all intensive purposes invisible to internet users, and therefore unaffected. So does he feel that the entire general area of bdsm should conform to his personal opinions? It seems hard to believe that any stable, closed group would change radically unless the members wanted that change, and welcomed new members.
Personally, i bless the internet every day- i spent many years thinking that what i felt and wanted was aberant/impossible to achieve/fantasy, and would probably never have managed to attain the lifestyle i have today without it. So this to me seems to more than compensate for the negative side, which obviously does exist.

[gloombunny]

So does he feel that the entire general area of bdsm should conform to his personal opinions?

I think it's pretty obvious that he does. That's basically the whole purpose of the text.

[moptop]

I think it's this word 'lifestyle' that is the problem. When it was a small, closed and underground community, there was real reason to refer to it as a lifestyle; I can totally understand the feeling of togetherness and brother (sister)hood this would have required and engendered. As such, it would have lead to a level of conformity and agreement amongst its small membership, especially since Mentors would have lead their pupils in the same direction. There is also a sense of 'specialness' and 'belonging' that membership and closed communities impart.

'Lifestyle' is the aspect that has always worried me wandering around here. I do not wish anyone to impose a set of rules on me and tell me how I should or should not live my life: unless and except it be the person, the individual, that I choose to be my partner, my dominant, ultimately my Master, perhaps, if the relationship reaches that point and I can learn to give that much. Outside of that, please, no-one, but no-one, tell me how to live my life.

The internet is a wonderful thing - it has helped me. I am 47, I am not here lightly - and by here, I don't just mean in this forum, I do mean in the world of D/s, and I include BDSM within that. All of it is a learning process, thank you. On the other hand, the internet is a dangerous thing, and I find dealing with interactions with individuals - chat and partner searching - very difficult. I am a natural real-timer. That does not mean that others - and principally, a younger generation than me, those who have been born to the internet and virtual world - cannot find themselves in it totally, happily, completely, and I wish them all joy. I don't get the impression from the article that it is virtual versus real time that really disturbs the author: it is the fact that so many different views have come in, views and attitudes that do not conform to his or her previous beliefs - and lifestyle.

Things do change. Life changes. The 'old timers' have some issues with their lifestyle no longer being the closed, controllable, understandable and simple world it was: but they can still continue to maintain their closed circle and live that way if they wish. The online world isn't stopping them. They do not have to participate. However, it seems to me that they are just as desirous of it opening up as the people who are stepping into it are desirous of finding it. We all need new.

The closed shop left many people out, who had genuine needs and would genuinely have fitted. The open shop lets many in who may not have fitted within the closed shop Lifestyle, but who still have genuine needs. Those needs may only be sexual, yet they are sexual needs that are still not accepted by 'vanilla' society. Why is that a problem? As long as the participants are honest and know that; those needs may only be occasional - part-time doms, part-time subs: I think really that is just a lack of understanding between the original Lifestylers and the new world: that is surely just how each D/s partnership works out itself, and its interactions. You aren't scening all the time (Jeez, what an exhausting thought): you are a couple inbetween times: you work out how you interact: it may be very liberal. It may be very controlled. Now obviously I'm not an experienced Lifestyler, and I may be misunderstanding, but it sounds to me as though the lifestyle certainly allowed each relationship the liberty of defining itself.

This article was both illuminating - I am a newbie, and no-one had ever explained to me what this Lifestyle history thing was before - and inflammatory - it has taken me a long time to get here, to realise my nature and my needs, and frankly if it hadn't been for the internet, I would have continued bumbling along, frustrated, ignorant, and wandering into unhappy, vaguely abusive relationships, because I didn't understand myself. The Lifestyle was proud and exclusive. I don't like that. On the other hand, the Lifestyle and its precepts of SSC, trust, honesty and respect of eachother are intrinsic to what I have learnt, and I am grateful that that backbone exists.

Not sure any of this makes much sense but it did make me want to rant a bit, so I did!

[tessa]

If it wasn't for the fact that this lifestyle was "exposed" online, I don't know who I would be today.... I highly doubt that I would be the same at all. I definitely wouldn't know anything about BDSM, or even know why I had certain urges...=/

This is exactly why a site like the Forums does and should exist- for people just like D-licious who are searching for a place to go and learn, and do so in a safe environment. I say "safe" knowing that anyone at all can join, even those with bad intentions. But this place seems to be pretty good at looking after their own. At least that's what I've percieved to be the case.

We all have our own opinions about what is right and what is not so right. For some, exclusivity and privacy should be a part of the BDSM community. For some others, that idea smacks of discrimination. I guess when the idea is to seek out information, it all comes down to finding a place, online or offline, where one feels comfortable interacting and learning. Opinions presented, whether agreed with or not, can be just one more aspect in the learning process. And I hope that within the exchange of ideas and views, it is always kept in mind that an opinion isn't superior just because it's held.

[Rhabbi]

My opinions have changed over the years, as have those of most of the old timers who I know. We have come to accept the influence of the web on our way of life, but some still yearn for the old days when it was simple.

I know that the forums are a good thing, but I still would like to see a return to the days when everyone who came into the lifestyle was given a mentor and nurtured.

[Dragon's muse]

Dragon and i have been in the "lifestyle" (much as i detest that term).

It was easier in the "old days". When you only interacted within the closed circles of real life, you naturally had the most to do with those who held to the same philosophies and practices that you did.

i think that perhaps some of the bitterness in the article was just a result of natural "growing pains" of someone having their boundaries expanded and their limits stretched.

[TomOfSweden]

Dragon and i have been in the "lifestyle" (much as i detest that term).

It was easier in the "old days". When you only interacted within the closed circles of real life, you naturally had the most to do with those who held to the same philosophies and practices that you did.

i think that perhaps some of the bitterness in the article was just a result of natural "growing pains" of someone having their boundaries expanded and their limits stretched.

In the pre-Internet good old days we in Stockholm/Sweden had problem that the BDSM scene primarily consisted of really ugly and out of shape people, scaring off anybody with any personal grooming skills. I went to the bigger parties, (just for a breath of fresh air if nothing else) and I did become part of a smaller group within the scene which where stylish, (that later bloomed into the party promoter group I'm part of today). But I never went looking for partners in the pre-Internet BDSM scene. It was far too slim pickins. I need girlfriends who aren't only intelligent and submissive, but also sexy and hot. As far as I could tell most of these girls only dared leave their caves after Internet came, probably from fear of Master-assault at parties. As we all know subs can have trouble saying no and fake Masters can be very very very pushy. There was and is no shortage of sub girls in the vanilla world. Girls who just didn't have all the words for it The "love market" kept me effectively out of the BDSM world. I've got no nostalgia what so ever for the "good old days". Good riddance.

I liked the beginning of the article. Great and funny.

I didn't like his definitions of terms, though. Why can't a sub ask for a collar? Step one of getting anything in life is asking for it, right?

His definition of "slave" I don't agree with. I'd call what he calls "slave" for, "Gorean slave". It's down to word usage. A sub with a life-partner we tend to call "slave" today, right? So no matter what the dictionary says, it's not how we use the term.

[Rhabbi]

Hi Tom,

I did not respond to this when you first posted, because I did not really disagree with you. I posted this because I though we needed to understand about the roots of our "lifestyle." (Not a word that I like either, but the only one that seems to work.)

I find that I agree with you about most of his definitions, though in a few more years the pendulum may swing back to accommodate more of these views. I personally hope not, but I do not define trends, I just watch them.

Anyway, I wanted to comment on the difference between a sub and a slave. Mishka considers herself to be my slave. To her that does not mean she cannot discuss things with me, but it does mean that whatever I say is the final authority on a matter. This is so ingrained in her that i have to be careful in how I say things, so that she will not think I am being harsh or critical.

kestrel is my sub. She also obeys me, but she feels free to argue with me, tease me, and even contradict me. Her attitude is that even when I am wrong, she will listen, but I had best be ready to hear her opinion on the subject. I can be firm, and even critical, with out worry that she is going to be hurt.

They both have limits, and they trust me as I push those limits. Yet Mishka's limits are defined but what she perceives to be my desires. I have taken her past her original limits in some areas simply because she desires to please me. With kestrel we will have to work on the limits and take time exploring together.

It is hard to define the difference in their attitudes, but I can see it. It is real. Mishka is a slave, and kestrel is a sub, yet I love them both.

[kestrel]

My love, I don't think I could have said it better myself. While there are very distinct difference between Mishka and I, we have one very important thing in common.....our love for you and that one thing will bind us together forever.