Online vs Real Life

[sidhewolf]

I am wondering in the Opinions of Others here, What is it that seperates theses 2 things in Your perspective? (Besides the obvious things like perhaps distance, or the absence of a real time meeting).

A lot of PPL like online play and Roleplay online. Some see it as something Real. Some do not.

I personally have several long-term online Friendship(s), with PPL I have never met due to geographical distance. And I am aware the liklihood of meeting IRT mostly does not exist without a specific dedication and determination to make it happen. While whatever is going on in my online Friend(s) Lives that they share with me affects me in a sense, in my care for them and whatever they may be going through in their RT Life, it does not affect my RT Life per se'. And yet I do see them as Real PPL.

My Partner here is an online addict so to speak. Something that exsisted looooong before I knew him. And he talks with tons of PPL that come and go all the time. He terms online relating as entertainment.

And yet, We met online at first over 4 years ago, and have been together for nearly 4 years. While we were talking *just online before meeting* Real Time, I considered the *Possibilty* of an Us, but at no time before actually meeting IRT did I even imagine there really was one.

I do have some Friend(s) though who actually seem to Live in and through their online connections. They rush home from work, school, or whatever, to get on their computers, and barely do anything else at all. I hear about online Collarings, Committments, Contracts, and other such as this of a serious nature. But if it is *just online* How can it be Real Life? <scratching head>.

For those of You who have Serious online Relationship(s), what do You see as Real about them? Do they affect Your day to day Real Life? And how so?

To Those of You who are more experienced, or perhaps understand these things in a different perspective than mine, I'd Love to hear Your thoughts, experience, and input.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[Aussiegirl1]

I have been in an online relationship with my Master for well over a year now. To me it is very real, and it does influence my daily life too. We started with PM's, then emails and after a little while chat and now we use Skype, so we can really talk to each other. Due to living in different countries, we will never meet, but that has just made us more thankful for what we have got.

One thing I feel we have is great communication, as we email every day and talk every week night. Sure, the physical side is lacking, but then a relationship is so much more than just the physical.

[Flaming_Redhead]

I have had a serious online relationship that lasted for 6 months and am currently in a serious real life relationship for the last 8 months, so I have the benefit of having experienced them both. With the online relationship, the feelings were real. I cared for him very much. I looked forward to having someone to talk to who cared about what was happening in my life. I worried about him, too, and tried to give him advice. He even had plans to come visit me over the holidays. However, things didn't work out. I have other online friends who I will probably never meet, but I see them as real people. That being said, I decided that online wasn't enough for me. I wanted to experience real life play. Once I did, I decided to seek a real life relationship with an experienced dominant. When comparing the two, they are worlds apart. There is a huge difference in spanking yourself and being spanked. There is a huge difference in being face to face and facing a web cam. I realize that for many reasons online is all some people will ever know, and they are content to get even that much. For others who are free to do as they wish, I don't understand the pursuit of online at all. Having experienced this in the flesh, I couldn't go back to online and expect to get any satisfaction. The internet is a useful tool for gathering information and meeting people, but like my dom says....which really pisses me off since I do spend some time online.....GET A LIFE!!!!

[PAIN(M)]

r/t is grat but online is also great

[ThisYouWillDo]

Real life for me. But my real life is a pefectly normal run-of-the-mill respectable, middle class, white-collar, semi-detached suburban Mr Jones kind of existence where dominance is yelling at the kids to stop riding their bikes on other people's lawns (before they grew up anyway) and submission is saying "yes, dear" just so she'll stop talking ....

But I come online because I value my real life highly and love the people in it. I cannot and will not have it interfered with by people I meet online, but I do need interaction with other interesting and like-minded people, and I feed off the relationships I have built up. They are very real to me. I care about them, I am upset when they are and I share in their joys. I think about them during the day, and I try to remember things about them like their birthdays, the name of their dog, and what their favourite drink is. I send them on-line gifts such as pictures of flower bouquets, or e-books, or greeting cards. If they hae a problem I will share it, give advice or just offer sympathy and support. It gets very real indeed.

The (cyber) sex is unimportant. No, it's non-existent. I am happy just to flirt or to chat. As an online dom I guess I'm pretty crap, because any sub that spends time with me usually finds something better to occupy herself with after a while. But that's OK - I can live with that. It was fun while it lasted. The friendships carry on.

So, for me, real life is king. But it is different from online and the two can happily co-exist.

TYWD

[Ozme52]

Because of the sensitivity of some towards the term "real" when talking about online v. "real life" I've started using 'In The Flesh' (ITF or itf) to differentiate.

I think online can be as real and as satisfying as any ITF relationship. Before the internet, many people had very satisfying relationships as penpals or even intimate correspondants. The net is far more real because of its immediacy and quick turnaround time. Is a phone real or remote? Our modern technologies have made online so close to real, it raises the question... a question probably never asked in earlier times.

I value my online friends highly, wouldn't want to do without them. But I also make no bones about it... if you want to explore a bdsm/lifestyle relationship with me, itf has got to be a potential possibility. I need the physical contact, to hear, see, feel, taste, and smell. Otherwise, for me, an online relationship is too much like a writing exercise.

[sidhewolf]

I have been in an online relationship with my Master for well over a year now. To me it is very real, and it does influence my daily life too. We started with PM's, then emails and after a little while chat and now we use Skype, so we can really talk to each other. Due to living in different countries, we will never meet, but that has just made us more thankful for what we have got.

One thing I feel we have is great communication, as we email every day and talk every week night. Sure, the physical side is lacking, but then a relationship is so much more than just the physical.

I can understand a Relationship like this in a sense. I do have some *to me* very important and valuable PPL online I communicate with also. And I do Agree that a Relationship is about "so much more than just the physical". And yet, I feel the Physical aspect is also soooo important, because I am a Physical creature.

Online is Great I think in the sense that We can reach out to Other(s), even across the World, with whom we have in commons. See and Learn about things and PPL that are not in Our RT Lives. And somewhat experience other things as well. All of which is Real in a sense. But beyond that Online Reality is my Real Life. I'm not sure I can ever wrap my head around the concept of a serious (beyond a Friendship) Relationship with Someone online, and the Reality that that Person IS Someone Online, that does not exist Physically in my day to day Life.

A good example of this for me, is my first BDSM Relationship with my Mentor/Teacher. We met online, and through our communications I Learned a lot. But it was the RT Time we spent together, and the Demo's and Munches and Play Parties we attended, that Set Into Me what is Real. Something we couldn't accomplish online. This person also actually Lived 5 states away, and was an LDR. I'd had LDR's before for many years, that worked out fine within the Bounderies and Agreements set for them in Time Management and such. And I am still a part of 6 Families (though I Live only day to day in this one now for nearly 4 years), 1 Mistress Owned Household, 2 Poly, and 3 Mainstream, spread out over 4 states. But the BDSM Style of Relating is so much deeper to me, and requires so much more of a person. I still remember my angst and loss over the absence of this person when not there IRT. Speaking and playing online day to day was somewhat helpfull while we were Actually online, and seperated by distance. But offline was a misery, and felt to me much like the vampires in the movies must have felt when they had to crawl back in that coffin before daylight. I remember looking longingly at the computer when we were offline, and Realizing the great impact of the emptiness when that person was not there. As well as looking around me and Realizing the emptiness that surrounded me in my RL because of my Love for and Commitment to, that one who was primarily online. And seeing many Other(s) around me who were in my humble opinion, so much worse off than I. Others who had no RT with their online Partner(s) at all, AND had no RL at all, except for a very lonely existance, because of their Committment to that One online <grimace>. I Knew then that could not be Me!

For some Other(s), such as YourSelf, state online Relating on this level is beneficial to them. Perhaps this is an ability to somehow seperate the 2?
or is it something else? Whereas for someone like me, I can so far only do this Realizing online is online, and not my RL. I know Everyone is different <soft smiles>.

Respectfully~ SidheWolf

Since then I had sworn off LDRs all together, other then those that were pre-exisiting and work fine as they are.

[sidhewolf]

<snipped for brevity and point> Quote "I decided that online wasn't enough for me. I wanted to experience real life play. Once I did, I decided to seek a real life relationship with an experienced dominant. When comparing the two, they are worlds apart. There is a huge difference in spanking yourself and being spanked. There is a huge difference in being face to face and facing a web cam. I realize that for many reasons online is all some people will ever know, and they are content to get even that much. For others who are free to do as they wish, I don't understand the pursuit of online at all. Having experienced this in the flesh, I couldn't go back to online and expect to get any satisfaction. The internet is a useful tool for gathering information and meeting people, but like my dom says....which really pisses me off since I do spend some time online.....GET A LIFE!!!!".

Agreed "Worlds Apart" and the "Huge Differences"!

And though I do understand to a point persuing some things online. Like gaining Knowledge, understanding, like for my Partner here "entertainment", playtime, and for me many Groups I am a part of (though I Know many of the PPL on most of them RT), and I Love this Group and the chat <G>. And other things, as well as the possibilty of meeting Other(s) that may some day become a part of sharing a RL.

It is the Solely Online I haven't been able to grasp.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[sidhewolf]

Real life for me. But my real life is a pefectly normal run-of-the-mill respectable, middle class, white-collar, semi-detached suburban Mr Jones kind of existence where dominance is yelling at the kids to stop riding their bikes on other people's lawns (before they grew up anyway) and submission is saying "yes, dear" just so she'll stop talking ....

But I come online because I value my real life highly and love the people in it. I cannot and will not have it interfered with by people I meet online, but I do need interaction with other interesting and like-minded people, and I feed off the relationships I have built up. They are very real to me. I care about them, I am upset when they are and I share in their joys. I think about them during the day, and I try to remember things about them like their birthdays, the name of their dog, and what their favourite drink is. I send them on-line gifts such as pictures of flower bouquets, or e-books, or greeting cards. If they hae a problem I will share it, give advice or just offer sympathy and support. It gets very real indeed.

The (cyber) sex is unimportant. No, it's non-existent. I am happy just to flirt or to chat. As an online dom I guess I'm pretty crap, because any sub that spends time with me usually finds something better to occupy herself with after a while. But that's OK - I can live with that. It was fun while it lasted. The friendships carry on.

So, for me, real life is king. But it is different from online and the two can happily co-exist.

TYWD

Your posted response seems very similar to my take on these things <smiles>. Though I don't think it is necessarily correct that You as an online Dom are "crap" <G>. Perhaps it is more that the Submissives You have communicated with have recieved the Gifts of what they needed from You online, and have Grown through that to go out and find what they Need in their RL's? Not a bad position to have in the Community at all in my way of seeing things <smiles>.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[Aussiegirl1]

One point I meant to mention in my post was that I didn't go looking for the relationship I have with my Master. I wasn't even looking for a Master, it all just happened so naturally.

Would I have gone in search of an online relationship like the one I have - most likely not. But then, I had no idea of how powerful it could be. I admit to being very lucky in that WB is so good at communication. I can see how online could be very frustrating with someone who is not a good communicator.

I do also hope to get more in the flesh BDSM experience, and agree online is not the same, but it is what you make of it too. For me, the relationship I have came at a time where I was feeling like love had left me behind and I had nothing to offer anyone. So for me, it is just what I needed. A loving, caring relationship with a man who is proud to be my Master.

I really feel different situations suit different people at different times. What I have learnt these past two years is to not close my mind to any possibilities. In other words, don't say " Oh I could never do online.... " because you may miss out on a wonderful experience.

To me, it is the person who makes the relationship, not if it is online or not. Would I love to be in the flesh with my Master, sure I would, but I am not going to dwell on what I am missing. I would much rather enjoy every moment we have and make the most of it.

[sidhewolf]

Because of the sensitivity of some towards the term "real" when talking about online v. "real life" I've started using 'In The Flesh' (ITF or itf) to differentiate.

I think online can be as real and as satisfying as any ITF relationship. Before the internet, many people had very satisfying relationships as penpals or even intimate correspondants. The net is far more real because of its immediacy and quick turnaround time. Is a phone real or remote? Our modern technologies have made online so close to real, it raises the question... a question probably never asked in earlier times.

I value my online friends highly, wouldn't want to do without them. But I also make no bones about it... if you want to explore a bdsm/lifestyle relationship with me, itf has got to be a potential possibility. I need the physical contact, to hear, see, feel, taste, and smell. Otherwise, for me, an online relationship is too much like a writing exercise.

Just to mention (because of Your note), my differentiation of "Online vs Real Life" topic title wasn't to offend Anyone, or hurt Anyones feelings. The topic title was Chosen per the questions asked Solely.

I Agree that things online can be very Real indeed, but express also that many times they just seem that way, for the reasons You mention. I Agree that a phone is a Real communication device, but I also acknowledge I cannot actually hug or Touch the person on the other end of the receiver, even during phonesex <G>. Fantasy is a wonderfull thing I think, as long as a person can realize and Know there is a difference. And personally I have never had an online Relationship that was nearly as satisfying and fullfilling as one INF. Though I do Agree online can be fun, or even a means to the end of going RT. BTDT! <big smiles>. Just pondering and wondering OP's perspectives on these things. Since it is still such a confusion for me how some do online as if it is their day to day Lives, and Other(s), like me for example, cannot wrap their head around the concept of How online can be RL in itself when our computer is a very small fragment of what is actually physically In our environement. I also do wonder why some PPL settle for an online Relationship (some for years), when there is RL to Live if one will just Live it?

There is also the scarrey PPL out there BTW. Both my Partner and I have e-met them. The ones who issue demands and other ultimatums re; ones RT Life, via email and other means of communicating across the net. Net-Stalkers? <G>. I do wonder about these some too. What can possibly be going on in the mind of someone who trys these tactics, as if they are standing right there before you? <shivers>.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[sidhewolf]

One point I meant to mention in my post was that I didn't go looking for the relationship I have with my Master. I wasn't even looking for a Master, it all just happened so naturally.

Would I have gone in search of an online relationship like the one I have - most likely not. But then, I had no idea of how powerful it could be. I admit to being very lucky in that WB is so good at communication. I can see how online could be very frustrating with someone who is not a good communicator.

I do also hope to get more in the flesh BDSM experience, and agree online is not the same, but it is what you make of it too. For me, the relationship I have came at a time where I was feeling like love had left me behind and I had nothing to offer anyone. So for me, it is just what I needed. A loving, caring relationship with a man who is proud to be my Master.

I really feel different situations suit different people at different times. What I have learnt these past two years is to not close my mind to any possibilities. In other words, don't say " Oh I could never do online.... " because you may miss out on a wonderful experience.

To me, it is the person who makes the relationship, not if it is online or not. Would I love to be in the flesh with my Master, sure I would, but I am not going to dwell on what I am missing. I would much rather enjoy every moment we have and make the most of it.

<nods> My mind Always remains Open <smiles>. Possibilities in Life and Love from my perspective are endless. Online Relating can be very usefull in many ways. That You are able to keep from "dwelling" or focusing on what is missing with Your *M* is great. But You seem also willing and interested in persuing a RT Relationship with someone, should the possibility present itself with someone with whom You may have interest in persuing?

A lot of my interest in this topic is in regards to Those who cannot do this, or even see a difference in these 2 methods of Relating, or seperate them. Those who Choose to consider their online Relationship(s) as their Only Relationship(s). And the Really scarrey *to me* ones, who actually expect to Control and monopolize a persons real Time Life through a computer. Even when one makes it clear what one is seeking is an Online Relationship.

Granted that any Relationship has a possibility of moving to RT IF the Parties and their Partner(s) (if they have them) Agree. I also know of times this has happened when the Other(s) of online Relationship(s) did not Agree. But what I know of those, were PPL whose pre-exisiting Relationship(s) were already fallen apart, and they were seeking another RT Partner.

Everyones different <soft smiles>.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[Torq]

GREAT THREAD!! Really good comments!!

T

[Aussiegirl1]

<nods> My mind Always remains Open <smiles>. Possibilities in Life and Love from my perspective are endless. Online Relating can be very usefull in many ways. That You are able to keep from "dwelling" or focusing on what is missing with Your *M* is great. But You seem also willing and interested in persuing a RT Relationship with someone, should the possibility present itself with someone with whom You may have interest in persuing?

A lot of my interest in this topic is in regards to Those who cannot do this, or even see a difference in these 2 methods of Relating, or seperate them. Those who Choose to consider their online Relationship(s) as their Only Relationship(s). And the Really scarrey *to me* ones, who actually expect to Control and monopolize a persons real Time Life through a computer. Even when one makes it clear what one is seeking is an Online Relationship.

Granted that any Relationship has a possibility of moving to RT IF the Parties and their Partner(s) (if they have them) Agree. I also know of times this has happened when the Other(s) of online Relationship(s) did not Agree. But what I know of those, were PPL whose pre-exisiting Relationship(s) were already fallen apart, and they were seeking another RT Partner.

Everyones different <soft smiles>.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

Yes I would be interested in experiencing a BDSM relationship that is not just online, but that doesn't mean I would not get involved in another online one either. To me, it would be great to have a bit of both. I think it helps to know I am a bit of a loner at times and really enjoy time spent doing things on my own. It think too this is why online or even partly online suits me so much.

The real joy of the past two years, apart from being on my wonderful D/s journey, has been the renewed belief in myself. This has come through my online experiences, so I can view them in a very positive way. I know other people have not had such positive online experiences too.

I am not sure what you mean about people who think they can control someone's Real time life. WB has some control over my offline life, as in my tasks I do for him. I know of other long term, online couples where the Dom has much more control in the daily lifes of their subs. I think it just depends on the nature of the relationship.

[Ozme52]

Just to mention (because of Your note), my differentiation of "Online vs Real Life" topic title wasn't to offend Anyone, or hurt Anyones feelings. The topic title was Chosen per the questions asked Solely.

Nor did I take it as such... but this topic almost always devolves to an argument about what does 'real life' mean... and I thought to defuse that issue so that your questions, as offered, could be discussed.

So far... so good.

[sidhewolf]

Yes I would be interested in experiencing a BDSM relationship that is not just online, but that doesn't mean I would not get involved in another online one either. To me, it would be great to have a bit of both. I think it helps to know I am a bit of a loner at times and really enjoy time spent doing things on my own. It think too this is why online or even partly online suits me so much.

The real joy of the past two years, apart from being on my wonderful D/s journey, has been the renewed belief in myself. This has come through my online experiences, so I can view them in a very positive way. I know other people have not had such positive online experiences too.

I am not sure what you mean about people who think they can control someone's Real time life. WB has some control over my offline life, as in my tasks I do for him. I know of other long term, online couples where the Dom has much more control in the daily lifes of their subs. I think it just depends on the nature of the relationship.

This all sounds positive to me in your experiences <smiles>.

My statement about "And the Really scarrey *to me* ones, who actually expect to Control and monopolize a persons real Time Life through a computer. Even when one makes it clear what one is seeking is an Online Relationship". Is about the experiences I myself, my Partner, and other's have experienced with some PPL online, that we've shared and discussed. Not like those you have mentioned. Which in my viewing your words, translates to me to mean > the ones you mention are consensual/agreed to.

My statement is about those who hound, chase, make demands, issue ultimatums, over the internet, and exhibit other such obsessive or even possessive behaviors over PPL they Truly don't Know, and that those PPL don't agree to. Thus the term net stalker. And attempt to do things that makes one uncomfortable, nervous, or even frightened. These things I mention vary of course. An example could be; I talk with someone on the net once, or even a few times. Everything *seems* fine. The next thing I know there are a bazillion messages and demands for my Time etc from that person. That person does not Know Me IRT, or my day to day Life. And seemingly doesn't care about that Fact. I've had PPL from the net attempt to get to me in many different ways. Some have tried it through Group Public meetings. Tracing phone numbers. Following me from places I mentioned I was going, etc. My Partner and Friends have experienced the same things. All of us have at one time or another had to even go *invisable* on our chat programs to avoid PPL like this. Some places and Groups call these types Trolls. Some term them "net spiders". Sometimes online Relationship(s) that seem to be going well with everyone on the same page take this turn also. I think the not Knowing eachother IRT has a lot to do with that perhaps? Maybe in regards to online relating, the net leaves Too Much to the imaginations of some? Or maybe like some fill in the blanks with what they wish for? Maybe it's the PPL who Live only in their heads?

So while net relating and communicating can be a wonderfull thing, such as in your case. It can also be a scarrey experience as well. While net relating is Real in a sense, perhaps what is scarriest to me is that some consider it their RT Life entirely, or even their Primary Life, and not just a fragment of it. Or even as a means to Growth and experience.

And I do wonder about these and Other(s) also.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[sidhewolf]

Nor did I take it as such... but this topic almost always devolves to an argument about what does 'real life' mean... and I thought to defuse that issue so that your questions, as offered, could be discussed.

So far... so good.

<smiles> I didn't think you took it wrong Ozme. But because your reponse noted it could be by someone, I wanted to input that clarification of Intent.

I Agree, "so far so good" <soft smiles>. I value all the feedback received thusfar and the thoughts posed to ponder.

And Thank You for your help also Ozme.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[tessa]

but this topic almost always devolves to an argument about what does 'real life' mean... So far... so good.

It is nice to see such a sensitive topic dealt with in a respectful, meaningful way. It really does mean so much to so many and discussion about it only promotes continual development, so yay for no arguments.

For myself, I don't engage in online relationships or the like. As I've said over and over, I just don't know how to type out all those sounds I make.

Seriously, I can't devote the time it would take to make such a thing work. If I had the time?- I've been asked that. I have to say no. For one big reason, I'm married to a man who is interested in developing our marriage into a more D/s relationship. Another reason, I can't trust for anything. Not so fair to inflict that on anyone. So, I just post in the Forums at times. And I flirt all over the place...but I'm a hit and run kind of flirt, so beware.

I took this question and applied the term "real" to myself, placed it as a label on me to see how it "fit", as it were. Am I "real"? ~checks all the necessary components~ Yep, I sure am. And more importantly, despite what a few think, I'm very real, in the truest sense of the word, with the people I have come to know and trust, whether I meet them in the flesh or online. However, there are very, very few of those people. With everyone else, I'm not so real. Now, I don't lie about my age (anymore) or how I look (for better or worse), nor about my gender (I adore being a woman, so why would I??) or where I live ('cause that's where my DAWGS live!). But I'm not real, in a deep, meaningful way, with just this or that person. And that goes for online or in the flesh. Is that wrong or less than in some way? Sure it is. But that's me. So...

A lot of PPL like online play and Roleplay online. Some see it as something Real. Some do not.

I hear about online Collarings, Committments, Contracts, and other such as this of a serious nature. But if it is *just online* How can it be Real Life? <scratching head>.

For those of You who have Serious online Relationship(s), what do You see as Real about them? Do they affect Your day to day Real Life? And how so?

It's all about perspective. For each individual, that's the only "real" that matters.

[sidhewolf]

I have to fully agree with Reds on what she said. That being said...

I wanted to bring up the point that people are different in the 2 different worlds. I have done the o/l and the r/l. I have met and not met people from online. Sometimes they're fantastic (*points to T*) and sometimes they leave a lot to be desired.

First, sometimes people are great Dominants o/l, but in r/l they are horrible. I assume the same holds true for submissives. It can be because of various issues--sometimes they are inexperienced r/l, sometimes they are introverted in r/l but not o/l, sometimes they are more willing to open up o/l where it's "safer" to do so... but it definitely happens. Just because someone loves online, it doesn't mean they'll love real life. It goes back to "the grass is always greener" adage. I implore everyone to give r/l a try (if you can) sometime, because as Reds mentioned, there's nothing quite like an actual spanking. But some people just end up really not enjoying the r/l-- they actually get off more on having it be verbal and the imagery of online.

Second, people online are not the same they are in r/l because people are just different creatures behind a computer screen. I can't tell you the number of people from here I have met who say "omg you are just like you are online." As if they expect something else *laughing* Well, I can say that I have been on the recieving end of a few instances where people are VERY different in real life and it made the situation somewhat awkward. I don't think that it's always intentional, but people have a way of being different online--it's "safer" to be "you", it's safer to relax, to explore, to goof around. Real life is real--you can't fake it, you can't be as relaxed persay as you can in an online setting. It's something to think about if you are o/l and want to meet your partner r/l --the magic you have o/l may not transfer to r/l.

Third, and probably most important, is that online doesn't have the complicating factors of real life. There's no kids online, no financial issues, no real worries. You come in front of the computer screen and everything (to a degree) vanishes. It's just you and your partner, or you and your friends. Online in that sense is non-discriminatory. It doesn't matter what you look like, where you are from, your history, etc.-- it just matters what you want to portrary o/l or what you are like o/l. It can be a good thing because it's an "escape"--somewhere to go for a sanity check. But it can also lull someone into a false sense of a "perfect relationship." Sure you and your partner have everything in common online--you aren't spending 24/7 with them (or less than that, but that's not the point) and so you can hide all your pet peeves, hide all your vanilla drama, and just be D/s or just be friends. It's something to think about for anyone transitioning to r/l from strictly o/l. That's why I would advise going slow in r/l --meet for short spans of time at the beginning, then longer and longer as time goes on. It gives you both a chance to get to know eachother out of the online context.

In my personal experience, I would say that both online and real life have been fulfilling, but in very different ways. For everyone, the balance that they need and the issues involved will be different. The best way to figure out what works is to try both ways (if possible) and see what you like the best.

I do Agree with you on what you write here. I also have thought more on my initial posted questions, and realize that the word "Real" may have thrown some off. I also have what some may term the disadvantage of *as far as online relating* of Always Always being Me wherever I am, offline or online.

I have met in Real Life ie (meaning ITF) many many PPL, all but 1 in Public places. Mostly at Group Events like Poly meet n' greets, or BDSM munches. It is the usual more then the exception that these PPL are far different in person than online. And this is beyond their physical descriptions of themselves, and extends to their behavior and communication skills. And this Knowledge is a large part of my refusal to Commit myself to much with those I know only online and have not actually met and spent Time with ITF.

I also Agree strongly with what you have said about online Relationship(s) in regards to a false perception of the picture "perfect Relationship". When what is experienced online does not contain the day to day ITF shared Realities like work, bills, dishes, laundry, and things like the other things you've mentioned. And also that one can Roleplay easily enough online with the annonminity factor. Online one can be whatever whomever one Chooses.

I do know PPL that have traveled miles to join Partner(s) they have online, against the best advisement of PPL who actually Know them to Visit a few times at least, First. One I know went all the way from Florida to Alaska, with all of her earthly possessions, sold her home before going etc. Only to find the person she went to join was not at all the person she *thought she knew*. The upside is she Loved Alaska <smiles>, it was somewhere she'd always wanted to go and at least visit, and she decided to stay there though the Relationship she went for didn't work out. Not all these that I know of turned out so well as this one.

There was also a supposed Dom in South Florida who obtained 3 Submissives via online communications with them. They All, without any ITF contact, went to Live with him, against the advisement of friends and family. One of them was a dear friend of mine. For brevity I won't go into much detail here, except to say, one Submissive committed suicide there, one was hospitalized and everntually died, and we ended up having to kidnap my friend leaving behind all of her possessions to save her. He got away scott free as nothing could be proven against him, and he is still out there somewhere <shivers>. And this was the worst turnout I know of thusfar of online Relating.

Others I know have had PICs they sent, and other personal information they shared, things they wrote in confidence, spread on the net for all to see as well. I think its important to mention that Anything one does on the net can be found and seen by PPL it's not intended for also.

I think your advice of short meetings and getting to Really Know someone and they you offline before Committing to anything more is Great Advice for anyone considering such.

It's also so very True that things are not always as they seem, and that includes PPL.

My Partner here for example is a Great Roleplayer and Fantasy builder online <grins>. Especially on chat. He has RT experience which makes things even better for these things in my opinion. But Little is Real information that he shares generally. Even I have mis-taken some things about his playtime online, because it does seem so Real at times, especially in the feedback he gets. And I know him ITF for years now.

Online can be great stuff I think for many reasons, but I also think PPL do need to utilize common sense and good judgement in even online things. Fantasy, Roleplay, and serious considerations of going to ITF, whatever the purpose of ones online behavior and communications....one should always be carefull and consider well what one does, or plans to do.

I so appreciate all the feedback on this topic from Everyone who is contributing to broadening my own perspective and understanding of online behaviors, and it's relation to ITF. Thank You to All!

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[annie]

There was also a supposed Dom in South Florida who obtained 3 Submissives via online communications with them. They All, without any ITF contact, went to Live with him, against the advisement of friends and family. One of them was a dear friend of mine. For brevity I won't go into much detail here, except to say, one Submissive committed suicide there, one was hospitalized and everntually died, and we ended up having to kidnap my friend leaving behind all of her possessions to save her. He got away scott free as nothing could be proven against him, and he is still out there somewhere <shivers>. And this was the worst turnout I know of thusfar of online Relating.

The person above in my opinion is not a Dom but an abuser.... and it is too bad he wasn't caught. Make one wonder how many more will loose their lives because of him and in that same process continue to add a bad "perception" to BDSM because of people like him.

My Partner here for example is a Great Roleplayer and Fantasy builder online <grins>. Especially on chat. He has RT experience which makes things even better for these things in my opinion. But Little is Real information that he shares generally. Even I have mis-taken some things about his playtime online, because it does seem so Real at times, especially in the feedback he gets. And I know him ITF for years now.

Online can be great stuff I think for many reasons, but I also think PPL do need to utilize common sense and good judgement in even online things. Fantasy, Roleplay, and serious considerations of going to ITF, whatever the purpose of ones online behavior and communications....one should always be carefull and consider well what one does, or plans to do.

At times people's common sense is being utilized to the fullest too though for the information they are being given. Using your partner as an example (since you mentioned it and it is an easy example to use)... He may be a great role player but does he share that he is only role playing or does he phrase things in such a fashion that it is hard to determine it is just a role play? Does he do it just in a scene or throughout the conversation? Does he share that the information he is sharing isn't real? If you have a hard time telling and you know him how do you think that effects someone who doesn't know him?

It is as much about the way information is delivered, on both sides, as it is about the common sense of the person at times.

[sidhewolf]

The person above in my opinion is not a Dom but an abuser.... and it is too bad he wasn't caught. Make one wonder how many more will loose their lives because of him and in that same process continue to add a bad "perception" to BDSM because of people like him.



At times people's common sense is being utilized to the fullest too though for the information they are being given. Using your partner as an example (since you mentioned it and it is an easy example to use)... He may be a great role player but does he share that he is only role playing or does he phrase things in such a fashion that it is hard to determine it is just a role play? Does he do it just in a scene or throughout the conversation? Does he share that the information he is sharing isn't real? If you have a hard time telling and you know him how do you think that effects someone who doesn't know him?

It is as much about the way information is delivered, on both sides, as it is about the common sense of the person at times.

<nods> I Agree on all you say about the "supposed dom". A very frightening experience for me, since I was the one Chosen to actually go and get my friend from him, since I was the only one that had not offended him by writing anything in email, or saying anything in phone conversations, that he could term *against him*. He actually Trusted me to come and take my friend to lunch. He greeted me at the door, and through arrangements made between a Dom in my area and himself, he did not let me, or invite me, into his house <thank goodness>. Just seeing this person up close was scarrey enough for me Honestly. It too bothers me greatly that he's still out there, and that yes what he does Affects this Community as a whole. It seems the Positive things Never hit the newspapers and media...while the negative things always do <grimace>.

On my Partner heres online behavior, from what I see, he *initially* states clearly upfront. He has a ad here for instance, seeking an *online* submissive. I think sometimes things get muddled along the way with some. Because that is what I've seen. I do see that keeping in line with the fantasy and Roleplay things are not entirely Honest. I also don't Agree with some of this when it Appears a persons Feelings and such are comming involved beyond Online. But he makes his Choices in these things. As for me and Knowing I have a hard time sometimes seperating the things he does online and Knowing the person he is communicating with may have this problem also, I can only realize this, since I am not involved. I have at times said something to him, or attempted to reach out to some that I see are having a tough time, in a sense, but these efforts fall on deaf ears on both sides. He insists "it's just the online way he plays" and when there is feedback from the others it is disbelief of me <shrugs>. Not much I can do with either of those things.

Personally, I am Always *Me* online or off. And I am Always upfront and Honest in communications with other PPL. Though I do not give out Personally identifying information to Anyone who doesn't Know me ITF, beyond a city and state. No addresses, phone numbers etc. But he does occassionally do this, and that creeps me out.

I Agree with you that "the way information is delivered" may have a lot to do with someone utilizing their common sense . Like in the situations of where one is not open and upfront with others. But I still think common sense and good judgement should Always win over in these things. I do at the very least see many cues that some PPL have concerns or intuitions in their net relating, and then Choose to ignore those things on behalf of what they wish for. As it has been expressed on this, and other threads I have read about the net, Anyone can be or Appear to be Anything or Anyone they Choose. And also that PPL on the net are most times Not who they Appear to be at all. I Know this to be True about my Partner and several other(s) I know ITF. And yet...even still....sometimes even I get caught up in the middle wondering WTF. And I Know other PPL Itf who have and do as well (not with my Partner but with others).

As for my Partner and others I also Know ITF, that I percieve may not necessarily play fair in the net sandbox, what can I really do about that? As they All say that's "how they play". I think it's far better advice to encourage other(s) to consider well, be Safe, and really pay attention, in net relating. And as another on this thread suggested > if one is considering RT with someone on the net, take it slow, and spend RT with that person, before really Committing to or counting anything. And that's how I handle things of a net nature. And how I did handle them...even with my Partner before we met RT. Wisdom I think.

Respectfully~SidheWolf