Lost touch...with myself

[Polaris]

Ooookay *takes a deep breath* I have a problem. I don't know how it happened, why it happened, or how it could possibly be undone...but I somehow managed to completely lose touch with myself, more specifically the submissive side of me. Now this is bothering me greatly, not only because by now I'm (sexually) frustrated like hell, but also because it somehow turns my whole life (and relationship) upside down.

This has been going on for a while now. It was a stressful time for both of us, and I feel I have pretty much reached my mental and physical limits. I'm incredibly tense, and I suppose so is he...and for a while it was okay to blame the fact the we are both tired all the time for basically everything. However, I really start to think that something more is wrong -- with me, with him, with us...I'm not quite sure.

Please don't get me wrong. I know he is trying, and I know that I'm not behaving like I should or like he's used to me behaving. It's just that the most simple things and tasks have become so awfully hard to do -- it's like I have this block in me and can't quite get around it. To make things worse he does not seem to understand what my problem is, or what I want...and I can't even blame him for it because I don't even know myself, and the way it comes out is certainly not the most organised and logical one. Knowing this doesn't change the fact though that by now I feel rather let down by him...he says I only have to follow him, but he doesn't lead the way. It's easily said to "just submit", but much harder when you don't really know what to submit to. To cut a long story short, this whole thing has become terribly convoluted and complicated, and I've completely lost orientation.

I'm honestly trying to relax, but it doesn't work out properly. My threshold for pain has dropped to about zero -- I have become awfully squeamish. I feel like I'm constantly looking for something that I simply don't get...now please don't ask me what 'something' is. The result of all this is that IF we manage to start to play (which happens once in a blue moon at the moment) it simply doesn't work out. I resist -- although I don't want to, and with teeth and claws...and he just applies more pressure because he thinks that's the only approach he can take without losing face. In the end we are both frustrated, and the gap has widened some more. Or, if I just clench my teeth and try to get through it somehow with hopes that it will start to feel better again at some point the whole thing ends in tears...and really, it's hard to be only marginally turned on if you feel like crap all the time.

I'm sorry, that was quite a rant -- I had no intentions of going on so long *blush* We have talked about this about a million times in about a million different settings, and apparently it didn't help, which actually unsettles me more than anything. Anyway, I'd be really grateful for any insight, opinions, ideas, suggestions...anything, really. Can somebody please wave a magic wand and fix me? I'm at my wit's end and slowly freaking out...

[Sir_Russell]

Not sure that I qualify to comment here but I will.
I am not really into causing a lot of pain so maybe I can help because it is a mental thing you are troubled by.

Pain is just not suited for great stress, it makes the stress worse because you lack the ability to relax enough to enjoy it.

When mine feels lost and can't find her sub or slave I give her little things to do that don't require much effort but give her a constant reminder that she is mine.

I know I have talked about in other threads but it doesn't ever seem to fail. I have her wear a skirt or dress without any panties, then I have her take a garter belt and tie silk ribbons every half inch across the front with small knots it them. These hang down to tease the thighs and clit as she moves, even seated a little movement and she feels me with her. I have been told that it is hard to stay stressed out during that period of constant reminders.

[Ozme52]

Try doing something that you did early on... and if you didn't... well... LOL, do this anyway. It lets you relax, meditate, find your submissive self.

Strip.
Get on your knees.
Legs spread wide.
Hands on your thighs, palms up.
Relax onto your haunches... and think about... nothing.
When you've let your worries or the stress of the day flow out of you...
Think about your master and your submission...

Do it daily.

See if it doesn't also inspire your master... we'll talk more later.

[annie]

Knowing this doesn't change the fact though that by now I feel rather let down by him...he says I only have to follow him, but he doesn't lead the way. It's easily said to "just submit", but much harder when you don't really know what to submit to.

I think that statement right there is the entire key to the issue, at least from my experience.... I can't submit to someone I don't respect or someone that I am having doubts about, etc.

Knowing what to submit too, and not just on a physical level but on a mental level as well is important. And, as much as I respect both of you, Sir Russell and Oz, I completely disagree with the "tasks" suggestions. Physical tasks, when the mental submission is searching, has a HUGE potential to lead to more anxiety and even anger. Reason being is because "submitting" to a physical task, while it may be thought provoking, if the mind is not all ready on the submissive track and if there are all ready other problems in the relationship about who is in charge and where they are leading it won't lead to wet and happy but lead more to a "why am I doing this? what does it really matter? Why is THIS the only time/way/shape/form, etc that he wants to dominate me?, etc." At least from my experience that is what it has lead too.

What I needed, when I reached that point one time before was some honest communication and direction. My saying I was "lost" was because I was. I wasn't sure what my submission meant to him, how to keep my submission going and honestly felt like i was being provided with zero direction. I was not feeling secure in my submission and therefore couldn't "just submit." I felt that no ones needs were being met, etc. Most important though I needed to feel it "mentally." Which may or may not be something the Dominate could help with. Honestly, nothing was more frustrating to me during that time then being told to "just submit"... I would always ask the same question... "submit to what?"

And I hate to say it... but it ultimately came down to a matter of respect for me. Through our history he had one failing that no matter how much we discussed, and how much I shared how important it was, he never took it seriously, never made it a priority and so my respect for him slowly whittled away... and without the respect I couldn't whole heartedly "just submit" to him because I felt as though I had to hang on to me in more ways then before to ensure I was taken care of, not hurt, etc.

So...I'm rambling, and honestly not sure I provided a solution at all... but if he isn't "leading" then even if Polaris tasks, etc. she can't follow. She can try and adjust her mind set as Delia suggested but that is still a 2 way street as well since I doubt she is the only one busy or forgetting the relationship or the meaning behind it.... after all it takes 2 to make a relationship work.

[Echoes]

Knowing this doesn't change the fact though that by now I feel rather let down by him...he says I only have to follow him, but he doesn't lead the way. It's easily said to "just submit", but much harder when you don't really know what to submit to.

This is what stood out to me the most also annie, but I had no solution because of my inexperience and not being in this position...and it sounds so painful, I hope never to be.

I'm sorry, that was quite a rant -- I had no intentions of going on so long *blush*

Please don't apologize hon for wanting to make this work for both of you.

We have talked about this about a million times in about a million different settings, and apparently it didn't help, which actually unsettles me more than anything. Anyway, I'd be really grateful for any insight, opinions, ideas, suggestions...anything, really.

Have you talked to him the way you wrote it here? Shown him this post?

Can somebody please wave a magic wand and fix me? I'm at my wit's end and slowly freaking out...

~breathe slow~ and softest hugs
sorry that is all I can really do but wish I could do more.

[Ozme52]

I guess it depends on how much and 'how' you miss it.

My past experience is that taking some step is required. It rarely just 'fixes' itself.

My cut at it is if you don't try, you can't make progress. If it doesn't work for you... fine. But not trying leads to more frustration.

[Polaris]

Firstly, thanks to all of you for your thoughts and ideas...it is much appreciated, and it helped me a great deal to see that apparently I'm not the only one feeling that way occasionally. You all rock, but of course you already knew that

delia -- once more thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree whole-heartedly that there is always an ebb and flow, and I am mostly a patient person. I don't mind if at times things are more vanilla than others. What gets me is the, hmm, imbalance of everything. It doesn't work for me to be the one making all the decisions and managing everything in our daily life and then flick a switch and let him decide when he feels like it...I don't really know how to put it, that doesn't sound quite right. Anyway, I will take your advice and just take it one step at a time and hopefully find my way back into the "right" mindset again.

Tasks are a whole different problem. Actually it's two problems. The first problem is that he did not find the time (or nerve) to task me with anything (not even a tiny little thing) for...well, a while. Weeks, at the very least. It's okay if he doesn't feel like it, I realise he's human too...and not always motivated to cover for my pesky little subbie needs. It doesn't feel nice, and I miss the, well, attention...but I can wait for better times without freaking out too much. Now the second problem is that all of a sudden he switches from "I want to rest my head on your shoulder, cuddle me" mode to "dom" mode...and I get flooded with a whole list of tasks which I have no idea when or how to do. My time is also very limited, I don't see how to squeeze in like two hours a day doing this or that. Additionally, if I may let the spoiled brat out for a moment, doing his laundry is not the epitome of sexual satisfaction for me. Shouldn't this whole thing be a two-way street? I want to please him and I'm prepared to go great lengths for that, but every now and then...well, I have a need or two as well.

I think I would love a task like you suggested though, Sir_Russel Unfortunately there's half a metre snow here...a bit too cold for skirts and no panties I shall suggest it to him -- I'm positive he'll love the idea so much that I'll one day curse myself for mentioning it.

just_annie -- I just have to quote you

What I needed, when I reached that point one time before was some honest communication and direction. My saying I was "lost" was because I was. I wasn't sure what my submission meant to him, how to keep my submission going and honestly felt like i was being provided with zero direction. I was not feeling secure in my submission and therefore couldn't "just submit." I felt that no ones needs were being met, etc. Most important though I needed to feel it "mentally." Which may or may not be something the Dominate could help with. Honestly, nothing was more frustrating to me during that time then being told to "just submit"... I would always ask the same question... "submit to what?"

This sums it up so perfectly. If I could "just submit" I'd be doing it. And there is a big difference between submitting and simply doing as you are told, hoping that it might work out at some point *sighs*

Echoes...thank you for your kind words also. I have talked to him using pretty the much the same words (in German, anyway, that being my mother-tongue) and I have sent what I wrote here to him. He does not seem to understand what I mean, though. Saying the same thing over and over again made me "armageddon subbie" (which *I* don't find funny)...he thinks I'm trying to tell him what he has to do (and what he must not do), which is not at all my intention. I'm just trying to be open about my feelings, and my needs, and trying to communicate them in a decent way. I don't really get through, though...although he does say that everything is going to be alright again (but WHEN? goddamnit *pouts*)

I think I may try the meditation thing after all. If it doesn't help it won't harm either...and it's always better to try something rather than just getting all depressed and waiting pointlessly for better times.

[Polaris]

I thought it was getting better, but it isn't. We haven't seen each other for a while due to the holidays, and at first it appeared like this short break would actually do some good. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, blablabla. Well, we managed to get on track somehow -- just to stumble into the next trap, as it seems.

This whole situation is really eating away at me. I tried to be "inspirational" in so many ways (all the nasty little woman tricks -- and NO success whatsoever! Goddamnit, have I grown that ugly overnight so that he doesn't even want to touch me anymore?)...without any success. Well, unless you count "you are putting me under so much pressure when you are wearing nothing but high heels and jumping around in front of me" as a success. He complained that I was being too pushy, too demanding, too nagging, too...whatever. I didn't mean to press anything. I just thought it might...well, start something. Anything.

So, yesterday we run into one of those wonderful situations again. I have twisted my ankle two days ago, it's black and blue and swollen, and it hurts quite a bit. First mistake was to say "ouch" when he forgot about that and tried to wrap some rope around it. No big deal, really -- things like that can happen. It's hard to understand, though, how that again makes me armageddon subbie. I didn't get injured on purpose, and I didn't complain at all -- I was as compliant and as docile as anybody could wish for. Honestly. Second mistake was to say that I was sorry, but wasn't able to get up all tied up. I tried several times, failed, I simply didn't have the balance or power to do it. This I articulated. Politely. He was like "why don't you do what I'm telling you?" "Because I can't do it." "Why can't you do it?" I explained. "Why can't you do it?" I explained again. "Why can't you just do it, goddamnit?" I got angry, and explained again. I began to feel really uneasy...we were arguing, I was blindfolded and tied up and couldn't move a millimetre (which was the whole problem). I got bitchy, I admit it. Said something between the lines of "If you told me to hover half a metre above the bed I couldn't do it either, I don't have wings, you know?" It's not that I'm trying to sabotage him in any way. But if I can't do something, I can't do it. If it's physically impossible for me to do it, it's impossible for me to do it. If I can't move, I can't move...no matter how much he wants me to. It. Simply. Does. Not. Work. The whole situation was so damn frustrating -- and escalating. Maybe I'm missing an important cue here, maybe I'm just to caught up in my own ways...but I really didn't know what he wanted, or what to do. As said, I can't do what I am not able to do...and repeating "Do what I say" won't change the fact that it's, well, simply impossible to oblige. I really don't like to be in such an emotionally taxing situation when I can't see and move, so I asked him to untie me. He didn't, which was fine, but which also forced me to use my safeword. I would never use it just for the sake of being more comfortable, but I simply couldn't bear this situation any longer.

So, long story cut short: It is pushy to be unable to hover half a metre above your bed and look good doing it. It is very, very bad to articulate politely that you can't do xyz. And with can't I don't mean "find a stupid excuse because you can't be bothered". The whole attempt of having a sex life ended in a big, ugly shouting match -- and both of us shattered enough to consider having a vanilla relationship. Even vanillas have more sex than we do, though. I could so jump out of my skin because of that.

I don't understand why it is all my fault. I, for a change, wasn't unrelaxed, edgy, or feeling unwell at the start of it all. I did not complain, I did not push, I did not attempt to top from the bottom. Now I've apparently become a stone who never moves (which is not true), and after all I could do something to start off anything sexual between us for a change as well. How do you fulfill two contradicting wishes? And how are you supposed to follow somebody who only claims to lead? I told him so many times that I cannot follow if he does not lead. I cannot read his mind any more than he can read mine. Every time I try to communicate my feelings regarding this whole misery all I hear is "You have to submit, you have to follow me. No, I AM leading. You just don't follow."

This is starting to gnaw away at the very basics of this relationship. I am losing trust. And I think that's a deadly direction to take. He does not communicate with me. He does not talk to me. He does not touch me, hug me, kiss me. I don't feel valued, appreciated, or even present. I am unhappy and trying to do what I can to make things better again. Yet, nothing will change if I am the only one trying. The fact that the BDSM aspects of our relationship don't work out begins to visibly spill into our daily life as well. This is a problem that needs to be fixed, and it needs to be fixed soon if this whole thing is meant to have a future. Grumble. Men.

[annie]

*hugsssssssss you tight.* Knowing from experience that vanilla men would/are the same way. (Hubby and I have had the same conversation about my never starting it (among other things)... as i'm standing there in slut heels and garters non the less... *rme*)

Not sure what other advice there is to give. Glad you were able to vent though. I do have to say... a red flag or 40 went up in your telling of the account, so please please please be careful!

Hugssss tight again!

[Draco]

I do have to say... a red flag or 40 went up in your telling of the account, so please please please be careful!

I have to agree with annie here. I must say that I am really concerned for your mental safety here. I am speaking from the Dom point of view, so i am not sure how much help i can be but I will try.

Me and dru had a bit of this trouble not to long back. I will personal take the blame, as i do realize that it was I that lost my way for a bit. I did my best to not take this out on her, and I do hope that I did that at least. When i relaxed what had happened (I am a bit on the oblivious side so that took a bit) I did everything I could do to be the Domme she deserved again. Eventually I came back to myself, but it did take time.

My point in telling that little story is to say that IMHO, I would have to think that maybe leaving this relationship, maybe even just temporarily, might be in your best interest. I would never expect dru to stay with me in a D/s, or any other relationship for that matter, if I did nothing to let her know that she is loved and appreciated. I think that he is pushing him problems off on you and making you feel as though you are the problem, and he is doing everything right. This to me just smacks or borderline abuse at best.

Don't get me wrong, I mean no disrespect to your Dom, I do not know him, have not meet him. What I do know is what you are telling us, and what you are telling us does not make me want to respect this person as a Dom. To quote Torq in part, respect is everything.

Sorry to ramble, but I just have this feeling in my gut sometimes. Ask dru, I am rather protective of Women in general. So *hugs*, I do hope that you can find you way, whereever that may lead you.

[drusilla]

Ok, i'm going to start off by saying this is probably the most hard to read thread i've come across and what i'm about to say isn't easy for me and probably won't be easy for you. In reading this, i had to stop several times and look at Draco and talk things out with her. In our relationship of nearly five years, i can say i have a deep wound that is only beginning to heal and it comes from much of the problems that you're having. About halfway through the thread, i got afraid to keep reading as i didn't want to rip that wound open and put my own head in an ugly place, but you deserve to hear what i have to say on this. Please bear with me and Draco, if you come back to read this, please don't be upset with me for what i'm about to say here, i love you and you know of the problems we've had as much as i do.

The first year of our relationship was wonderful, i guess you could say we were 'honeymooning' or whatever. The sex was great, everything was great. Somewhere after that, things got a little hard for us. i first noticed it in our sex life (which was mostly vanilla at the time) and how it was becoming less and less. When i tried talking to Draco about it, she told me it was in my head and that nothing was wrong. By this time we were living together and not just seeing each other on weekends or for a few days at a time. Initially, i was willing to believe that i just needed to adapt to the change in our relationship now that we were living together, and maybe it was in my head. For the time being, i let it go. Things deteriorated further and further over the next months or so. It would get to the point that we wouldn't have sex but maybe once or twice a month and BDSM only ever came into our relationship if i initiated it (which would involve Draco coming home to find me cuffed and naked to the bed with an accoutrement of toys laid about me). When we did have sex, it would be after an argument. She told me many of the same things that your Dom has told you, too demanding, too pushy, too much nagging, etc... At one point i was told that my libido was just too high and that the problem was with me, not her. During this period, i spent much of my time feeling the way you described, that i had just turned ugly overnight and wasn't attractive to her anymore. To be honest, i suffer from a reproductive disorder that strongly affects my metabolics, i had gained a fair amount of weight. During this time, i was also put on a medication for my bipolar disorder that caused me to gain a lot of weight very fast (approx 50lbs in 6 months before i told my doctor to put me on something else before my weight killed me). It was easy for me to believe that with the weight gain, that i just wasn't attractive anymore (i often times felt like a woman who's partner suffers from erectile dysfunction). It didn't matter that she told me this wasn't the case, she wouldn't be intimate with me. We also went through a lot of the 'cuddle me cuddle me' problem. At one point i told her flat out, "I want to be your lover and your friend, not your fucking teddy bear." i don't mind cuddling, it can be nice, but Draco didn't understand that after weeks of being that close to her, that i'd want to be closer, and intimate. Many months were spent in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship and i often considered the possibility that even though i loved her dearly, that we may not be able to be in a romantic relationship. i started coming here the end of July of 2007, spent most of my time in the chat room and knew even at that point that what i wanted was a sexual relationship that was much much more BDSM then vanilla (and had slowly been integrating that into the small amount of sex we had been having for several months before coming here). One night, i'd had enough, i was frustrated, emotionally, sexually, mentally. She was half asleep and i was sitting here at the computer and i went in our bedroom, woke her up and said 'We're talking this out, NOW'. i explained everything to her, how i was feeling, what i needed and wanted. We decided together that we would eliminate nearly all vanilla sex from our relationship (funny thing is the other night we were talking and neither of us could remember the last time we'd even had vanilla sex...but i digress). We chose goals that we both wanted to meet. Our first was something simple that didn't require a terrible amount of effort. Draco enjoys anal sex, it wasn't my favorite thing, but one that i could be put in the mood for. We tried to make an effort to engage in some type of anal play each night for a week. This was hard on both of us as it was VERY much the opposite of what we were accustomed to. We did it though and moved up our goals, we would try and get me to the point where i could take and enjoy a certain size butt plug. That took a whole lot of work and there were stumbling blocks along the way. It wasn't until this past Sunday that i was actually able to do it and we were both so happy. But in these few months, we've learned to communicate with each other in ways that we never could or would throughout our relationship. We both found that once you could admit your dark fantasies that other, normal, day-to-day things were easier.

So now that i've probably bored you all to tears (if you're even still reading), i'll offer suggestions. You've already tried to talk to him, that obviously didn't work. Try talking to him in a different way, try something like what Draco and i did when we first adapted BDSM as a serious, major part of our sexual relationship. Find something that's low impact (by this i mean not a long, drawn-out, major scene type of thing) that you are both willing to do. Maybe it's bondage (and i'm saying this based on what i've read of your posts), let him tie you up (or down) on a regular basis, maybe all he does at first is the bondage, it will help put you both in space, i think that you both need to learn what the other expects and slow, baby steps are a good way to do that. Another thing i did for Draco was spent a lot of time researching on the internet things that i thought she would find of interest, stories, tutorials, pictures, anything i thought she would find interesting that i also was interested in. This helped put ideas into her head. For your particular situation, i would suggest finding stories about Dom's who lead the way you're looking for him to. This will not only SHOW him what you're talking about, but it may give him ideas based on his reading for things to do in your own relationship. One thing i also did for her (which i think would be highly HIGHLY beneficial for you and your Dom) is to either find or write your own creed for a Dom. This is difficult from a sub's perspective, i think it took me a couple of days, maybe closer to a week to both find one and then add things to it that met what i personally was looking for in our relationship. Being the non-artist that i am, i put it in a fancy script and put a clip art of a pretty white rose on it and gave it to her. She took it to heart. Some may call this "topping from the bottom", it wasn't, it was my way of saying "This is what I'm looking for in what we're trying to do" and by the same token, we talked, endlessly, about what we wanted from the other, the first few serious scenes we did, we talked about at length before doing. This came mostly from apprehension on both of our parts, and it probably made the scene itself a little less exciting from both of our perspectives, but it helped. She would say "I want to do...." and i'd reply "Ok, but what if we try this with it?" and we added onto each other's ideas and tweaked things until we were both happy with them. Once we stopped needing to do that and were comfortable enough with each other that it wasn't necessary, we said "Ok, now let's set aside a night and dedicate at least part of it to play". i'll admit, unplanned sex is definitely more fun, but this again, was an exercise in putting us both in the mindset at the same time. We picked Saturday night and by about 4 in the afternoon, we would both be tense with the desire to have our playtime. It worked very well, it helped us know what each other's verbal and physical cues were. Now we don't really rely on having that night because i can look at her and know if she wants to play, and i can go to her and ask for something i want.
Something that we both found was lacking in our mostly vanilla relationship was variety. We were both bored, after years, there's just not many different things to explore and experiment with in a vanilla relationship (or at least there wasn't for us). Perhaps your Dom is feeling some of this. Maybe you've been doing too much of one thing and need something else to help put you both in the right place again.
On that note, please feel free to PM me at any point in time if you'd like to talk further. If i can help, even a little to keep you from feeling as awful as i did, it'd be well worth it to me. It sounds like the wound that you've got is similar to my own, it's healing now, but it takes time, Draco knows where she made her mistakes and where her role in that wound is and is helping me in making myself whole again.

[Polaris]

Firstly, thanks again for your concerns, opinions and support. I greatly appreciate your view and honesty, and you won't offend or hurt me by telling me your thoughts. I would like to say, though, that all of this is of course coming from my point of view, and thus more than just a little one-sided. We have known each other for a long time by now (it's going to 9 years), and have been playing with each other on and off for years as well. It's something that apparently keeps us together, and we know each other quite well on basically all levels...which is probably a part of the problem, too (expecting the other one to know without actually saying something).

He's not a bad person, and he cares a great deal about me. He is just too damn stubborn at times to listen to me, or to understand what I mean or want. We had a good talk for a change, and if nothing else I can understand his feelings a bit better now (now all I have to do is to get him to understand mine). Apparently he thinks that I put too many rules and regulations on him (in my eyes there are none, real limits aside) and that I managed to become the boss, and am exploiting the fact that he actually cares for me. I don't really know why he feels that way, and I don't think that I did anything to suggest that this is the way I want things to be, but I don't doubt that he really feels that way. That of course would make feeling dommy quite difficult, though.

Anyway, I don't think that I'm the one to blame either -- and it's not in my interest to blame anybody at all anyway. I only want to find solutions, and a sex-life please I told him rather bluntly that the situation as it was was and is emotionally taxing for me, and that I want to work on finding a solution rather than sitting around and hoping that at some point things will get better again. I also said that his behaviour in all this begins to wear down the trust, and that I'm not willing to do things as intimate as those with somebody who I feel I can't really trust, or who I feel doesn't respect and value what I contribute to it. In the end he admitted that he began to take a lot of things for granted, and felt that it was not necessary to be extra-sensitive with me because we've known each other for so long. Apparently I'm not turned on anymore by things that used to turn me on (which is not accurate, I just don't spring into horny-mode instantly because he grabs a rope or spanks me or whatever), and he has no clue how to deal with me anymore. I suppose he is too proud to react to my suggestions, though -- that's why I love your suggestion with the stories, drusilla. Definitely going to try that one

Anyway, if nothing else I think he understood that I have a serious problem there, and that I'm not willing to continue like this forever. We have agreed to start fresh and little all over again, and so to speak "re-explore" each other again. This sounds reasonable to me, but I admit I'm still a bit doubtful that it works out. First thing is to rebuild the trust that got lost on the way, though. So, let's see what happens.

And dearest Draco and dru -- I'm really glad that things worked out for you, even if it's a slow process. Seems like there is still some hope left

Other than that, I am being very careful and prepared to leave this relationship should the need arise. I try not to make the same mistake twice, and I will not let anybody overstep my boundaries ever again. If my well-being -- be it mental, emotional or physical -- is at stake I'll leave, and take whatever steps necessary to protect myself. But as said, he's not a bad guy, just damn stubborn, insensitive and clumsy at times.

[drusilla]

It's funny Polaris, Draco and i talked last night after we both left our respective messages for you and i said to her "you know, we are only getting one side of this". Neither one of us doubt that he's a bad person. Sometimes good people make mistakes, there's nothing wrong with that. i left that very long (very long) post to try and convey that i understood where your head was at and how what is going on in your relationship can be damaging even though neither of you means for it to be. i really hope that my suggestions helped and that the two of you are able to work past this.

[Draco]

I agree with your polaris. I personly spent far to much time trying to find the blame for the problum instead of just resolving it. I do indeed hope that you and your Dom will be able to figure it out as Myself and dru have.

Good luck to both of you. If you need anything, PM me anytime.

[Polaris]

Just wanted to say -- thanks again! You are simply lovely and great and wonderful! And as I forgot last time when I posted, a special thanks to you, drusilla...I know how it feels if you can relate all too perfectly to a situation, and I so appreciate that you decided to go through these feelings nonetheless. *hugs*

[drusilla]

You're quite welcome. i just hope that it helped!

[Polaris]

I still have no sexlife, but I decided to take things with a grain of salt. I'm actually having a great time acting up -- oh, I know I'm going to pay dearly for that at some point, but it's maintaining my sanity. I take great delight in calling him a fluffy babykitten -- and get through with it. I even get through with demands for him to purr for me. Maybe it's those few grains of domliness that are slumbering in me somewhere deep, deep down in me that now take over. At the same time I feel quite terrible for misbehaving so much -- there's always this pang of guilt when I say "Go get it yourself" or anything like that.

I just see it like that at the moment -- he doesn't treat me as a submissive, so I don't act like one. I don't feel submissive either, and everything I tried to get back into the right mindspace didn't work. So I'll just go with the flow and humour myself as good as possible.

This is an arrangement that works at the moment, and which -- I think -- also takes some of the pressure away from both of us. I hope that it is giving us some time to, I don't know, get in touch with each other and ourselves again. It seems, in any way, as if the impending doom is not as impending anymore. Life is taking over and throwing tasks at both of us, so most of the time I'm just content with cuddling a little bit -- and sending him around. Teeheehee. Subbies revenge. Looking at myself, I'm happy that I'm not a dom. I think I'd constantly have to kick myself.

[drusilla]

Polaris-

i'm SO terribly sorry to hear that things still aren't working out. It's completely understandable though that if you don't feel submissive that you're not going to behave that way. i wouldn't feel bad about that.

[Draco]

I agree with dru here, it is the Dom's position to lead. If he is letting you get away with the way you are treating him, and not leading, acting Domly, or otherwise giving you an indication that you should be in subspace, or that he is in Domspace, to hell with him, it's his fault, not yours. You should not feel bad about what you are doing, you are only trying to find something to enjoy in this down time.

I do hope that you and him either work things out, or that you can both come to an agreement and you would be able to get someone who will treat you with the respect and discipline a submissive deserves.

[Stone]

well i guess i pipe in on this from the other side.......but understand first that we were going through the same thing she felt to submit was an effort and i felt to dom was a burden.......it is what it is i do not want the submission to be an effort.....I do not want to feel burdened to be dominant.....it is a vicous cycle that is hard to get out of and even if we would have the damage was allready done saying sorry would never be enough on either side......when you hurt someone its like driving a nail into a board nail after nail over and over again....you can come along and say you are sorry and pull all of the nails out........but the nail holes will allways remain.........we are done and sure am i sorry that things just would not work....sure......am i sorry it is over.......no i am actually happy about it....it just was not right or healthy for either of us

[Polaris]

I love the analogy about driving nails in a board...I feel a bit like a swiss cheese at times, not only in this relationship but in general. It's true that sometimes the harm can't be undone, but you can still make the choice to live with the damage. I'm a scorpio -- loyal to death...I guess it shows occasionally

I don't find being submissive so much of an effort...it's more the getting in touch with that side of me that wants to oblige. I still haven't really found a way there yet, and in general the situation hasn't changed much.

Well, other than life decided to be a bit more unkind than usual. His father died two days ago, and he's not taking it well...not that you can take something like that well. It's really strange, I've known him for...sheesh, about 10 years by now, and I've only seen him cry once before. So, I'm actually all gooey at the moment, and trying to be as supportive as I can be -- and it seems to work, too. There's a list of maybe five things that I find more important than restoring my sexlife, and that's apparently one of them.

Seriously, we may not always work out well together in the love-partner department, but we always work out in the friendship department. That's something I value greatly, and although it might sound a tad heartless and cold -- this episode has reminded me that there is more to this than BDSM and everthing that comes with it (or the lack thereof). At least we didn't fight for two days (woohoo, new record), and I hope that maybe when the worst bit is over for him we'll manage to carry over some of the generally more positive attitude towards each other.

Anyway, 'nuff rambled for today!