Sub block?

[newsub21]

Hi all,

I'm hoping that someone here can relate to what I'm experiencing right now (and actually understand what I'm trying to say - not sure how well I can explain myself).

I'm still relatively new to bdsm and have been in a D/s relationship for going on 6 months. We've taken things very slowly and my Mistress has been incredibly patient with me. In general, things have been going wonderfully and I'm happier than I've ever been.

However, we've been apart for a while and now that she's back I seem to be experiencing some sort of mental block towards my submission. Now to clarify, we have more of a sexual dynamic and less in our 'vanilla' lives, although they do mix to an extent. The vanilla aspects of our relationship are as great as ever. When it comes to my submission though, I just cannot seem to get into the right headspace. Now, that doesn't mean that I refuse to submit, because I do, but I don't reach the place I normally do. It feels like a chore and I submit because that's the decision I made and I want to submit to Her. But it's not fun (which means She doesn't demand much of me because it's no fun when it's one sided). She has been unbelievably patient with me through all this, which makes me feel even worse about it all.

When She tries to dominate me, I resist. I feel an internal struggle going on. I want to have a tantrum, I feel petulant. I submit, but reluctantly. And I don't know why and more importantly, I don't know how to get back to that wonderful submissive headspace that I normally enjoy.

Can anyone relate to this? I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts and opinions. Thanks.

[icey]

sorry im a bit confused...do you mean you find it difficult to submit in your everyday life not the sexual side?

if you mean in your day to day relationship then tbh if you're finding it very difficult then perhaps its not really right for you,maybe you're only suited to it sexually?

but saying that its not always easy it can be confusing and difficult at first were all conditioned by modern society to be independant, self sufficient, look out for number one (perhaps there not the right words to use but im sure you can get the gist of it) we're taught its wrong to be otherwise and its hard just to shrug that off no matter how submissive someone is.
and not everythings fun believe me there are days when you wonder what the hell you are doing but that usually passes very quickly.

if you're struggling to submit sexually then perhaps what started out as a bit of fun kink ,something new to try, is now past its sell by date?

[ghostgirl]

Eeek...i'm probably gonna piss a lot of people off by saying this, but IMHO "submission" isn't necessarily something a sub tenders unto her Domme once and for all.

For some, it's something that is evoked in play and it's as much the top's responsibility to call that forth from you as it is yours to find it within you and offer it up.

Think back to those times when you took joy in submission: what was the context? What was happening? Maybe the two of you were doing things then that you now take for granted, or maybe you both need to ramp it up a touch.

Talk it over with your Domme. Maybe you can focus a scene around your resistance. Throw a tantrum, have her respond. Work through your petulance together.

i'm not saying some uncomfortable bondage, a gag to scream through, and a good hard spanking would solve all your problems, but then again...it just might.

[Euryleia]

I would definitely sit down and try and figure out what the difference is between your head space now as opposed to when you were able to submit. Try and figure out why you are resisting.

Here some tools to help deal with resistance:

Pause
The natural tendency of many people is to respond immediately when things aren't going well. Stop for a moment, take the time to reassess before jumping back in to a situation that neither you nor her are finding fun.

Feel
What are you feeling? You say you were apart, are you resentful that something else took her time or possibly jealous of her other committments? These emotions can be barriers to letting go of your control. Look at your body language and be honest in owning your emotions.

Listen
The next step is to listen carefully not only to what what she may be saying but also to how she are saying it. Could it be that she is holding back, thinking that you two need to move slowly? Has something changed for her in the time you were apart? Listen to her fears, hopes and ambitions. Hear the tensions and emotions.

Empathize
Make your initial response one that empathizes with their position. To move forward, you first must understand, even though you may not agree. Come together from a place of respect.

Respond
Seek a win-win. Reframe the situation to show a bigger picture. If necessary renegotiate the parameters of your submission. What are you able/willing to do vs what she is able/willing to do?

Think
All relationships experience growing pains. Sometimes, when we have changed, it is difficult to do things the same old way anymore. Your submission may be a chore because you are not getting what you now need. Only by reflecting and communicating will you know if the two of you can continue to work together.

Good luck in finding your way.

[butterflySlave4u]

i'm absolutely NO expert on the subject, but is it possible that newsub21 (who is now 23! LOL!) has grown, emotionally, and is leaning towards a more Dominant side? Isn't that how it works? How switches develop? I know that within my submissiveness, i submerge...submissive is what i am, and i'm happy there....but i'm also 50 years old, having just identified my true nature only 4 years ago. Isn't it possible that newsub has reached a point where he feels the need to stretch and grow? Can it possibly be that simple?

[newsub21]

Thank you all for the input and great advice.

Just to clarify some things, what I meant is that my submission is more prevalent in the bedroom (or kitchen, or garden hehe), as opposed to in certain other areas of our relationship. I.e. we make other 'vanilla' decisions with regards to our relationship together as equals, not as a dominant and a submissive.

It's not however just about sex (although that is where I'm having the most problems I think), but with the emotional side of submission also. It all goes hand in hand though. Basically I just can't get in the mood.

I'm sure us being apart is the key factor, although there's no jealousy etc. involved (we were separated due to career stuff on both our parts), I think if anything I spent to much time *not* being as submissive as I normally am and dealing with other things it's as if I've forgotten how.

I'm absolutely sure, at the now ripe old age of 23 , that I'm submissive. I have no dominant tendencies in my personal life and am very happy with our relationship as a whole. I know that I can and will get back to that sub place, right now I just don't quite know how.

[lily27]

In my relationship if I get out of the submissive headspace, really the only answer is for him to pick things up a bit. I can't submit to nothing... he has to bring the domination first.

[girlgalwoman]

This thread is very old, but I wanted to say that I can relate to the idea of fighting one's submission. There have been times when I've been unable to feel submissive and have felt more, what's the word, spiteful, cocky, resistant. For me, this is when my trust in my Dom has been lost-- or for other reasons, in our day to day life I am angry at him and not feeling close to him. If I can work out the real life issue, then I am able to submit again to his punishment, pain and dominance.

[Pearlgem]

I have sometimes felt myself in a kind of weird, parallel universe with my Master as if we're always minutes or inches distant from each other and I'm therefore not truly with him in my submissive heart and soul as I want and need to be. Sometimes this has provoked a mini 'crisis' which allowed me release from whatever was blocking me from him, but I know now it doesn't have to take a crisis to fix.
I'm fixed because he's the right Master for me, but he can only put right what he knows about, what I no longer hide from him. The problem, I've discovered, is not exactly lack of honesty on my part - it's lack of honest, sometimes painful vulnerability with him. I often don't really know what's blocking me, but presenting myself to him warts and all, with difficulties and resentments, with troubles and dissatisfaction, and trusting in his judgement and control of me has so often released that distancing cold grip, and I find my heart melting and my whole spirit yearning joyfully and submissively for him again.

Be vulnerable and as respectfully, helpfully honest about your vulnerabilities as you can possibly be. Submit, too, this part of yourself to your Mistress. Don't nurse or keep resentments or dissatisfactions from her. Let her in to help you. All else may follow.

[jeanne]

The problem, I've discovered, is not exactly lack of honesty on my part - it's lack of honest, sometimes painful vulnerability with him.

Gosh. You wrote 'me'. Thanks, Pearlgem.

It's hard to allow myself to be vulnerable when I'm used to handling my emotions by myself.

[SubmissiveDoll]

Again this is old, but I wanted to toss a thing in here too.

For me submission is a lot like orgasm. You'll never get there if you work too hard for it. Don't focus on what you want the outcome to be. Just relax and enjoy the sensations of here and now. Relish in every detail and drink it in. It's the small things that lead you to the fantastic conclusion! Keep your head on right now, and the ending will be all the better when it surprises you.

[cagedbutterfly]

I just want to thank everyone for being so open. Reading this thread is helping me understand some of my own feelings.

[agog ab]

This is an old thread, but i really found it helpful in understanding some of my own issues while learning to submit...so thanks to everyone!!