The Perfect Dom

[bellelapine]

I think the perfection comes into play when a Dom/me realizes their humanity. That's just it, they are human and you can only strive to be perfect. Does it mean you are or will be? No. But the fact that the subs see the changes the Dom/me makes for/because of them, it does wonders for a relationship.
If you happen to be a newbie sometimes it's still nice to see how much your Dom/me does and is willing to do for you as a sub. Many play Dom/mes do see subs as either an easy lay...a target so to speak for their own selfish ends. Not saying good Dom/mes aren't selfish, after all why would they want/need a sub if they weren't in some way. But the key part is that the play dom/mes will break the will and often heart of a submissive. Making someone 'worthless' in their own eyes is a breaking of the human spirit, and I've seen and heard of it happening.
These are the cases, which I believe Ashton pointed out, in which a sub will blame themselves for it not being perfect. Submissive doesn't mean stupid, but so many subs come in expecting that they can not even make suggestions or "stand up" intellectually to their Masters (masters as the case may be) that the first time one does it they instantly expect to be dropped to the side like yesterday's newspaper.
I think in the relationship realm it's a give and take. The Dom/me gives the submissive everything they need in order to 1. remain as a submissive 2. desire to be a submissive 3. wish to earn their place as that Dom/me's sub. While in direct relation to that a submissive gives their Dom/me 1. servitude 2.loyalty (a sub is a friend/listener/wall to bounce things off of) 3. companionship. My Sir smiles in a way...I've never seen many smile when He reaches down His hand to stroke me. I could have been quiet for minutes (hours is stretching it for me) but the fact that He knows I'm there and I will be there, is a release for Him.
To me D/s and BDSM isn't just about how well He hits me or how many times I get off from spanking or how many times Sir gets head/orgasms or whatever He demands. It's about trust...when you know someone well enough, trust them enough, and love them in the way that often we come to love our Dom/mes then that relationship is perfect.

[Logic1]

Lol - I agree in everything except one thing Logic1 - there IS a perfect car - a 1927 Bugatti roadster lmao

Lol
You know I kinda agree cause that is one beautiful car but that is not the same as perfect. If you wanna show off in the city sure but if you wanna haul some stuff in it or have a car that you can rely on then that sure isnt the right car

[tessa]

Perfect Dom?? ~laughs and laughs and laughs~

Just couldn't resist.

Perfect anything- bah. The fragility of our soulful humanity is what makes each of us unique and precious.

That and fingerprints...

[Ozme52]

I often think new people can get the wrong impression from sites such as this, for the simple reason that some Doms- often the most vocal ones, seem compelled to create an impression of unquestionable perfection.

From memory, it was Isabelle who came up with the line ‘I couldn’t respect a Dom who lacked humility’

Do we need to be perfect? Should we be able to accept criticism and admit that we make mistakes?

Frankly, I see being unable to admit you’re ever wrong, and the inability to accept criticism or be questioned, as character defects that a Dom in particular could do without.

I've been offline for 4 days... if I'm rehashing what others say it's not by intent.

There's a huge difference between someone boasting "unquestionable perfection" and someone who is just "supremely confident." But being able to readily tell the difference between the two can be challenging.

Ultimately, imo, subs want the latter. It makes them feel safe where the former might do just the opposite. Accepting that one can make mistakes and improve is part of it... but, being one of the supremely confident you'd have to have a pretty convincing arguement that I'm mistaken. I won't just take someone's word for it.

As far as humility is concerned... yes, maybe, if you think a D/s relationship should be sub-centric, but in one that is dom-centric, isn't humility more appropriately within the sub's domain?

Humility is the state of being humble (meriam-webster)
Humble is:

1: not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive
2: reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission <a humble apology>
3 a: ranking low in a hierarchy or scale : insignificant, unpretentious b: not costly or luxurious <a humble contraption>

By that definition, you can't be humble and be dominant. Unless you want to use different definitions or pick and choose which parts of the definition you mean.

[Ozme52]

I recently visited a site where a slave girl said in no uncertain terms something to the effect, "I could never respect a Dom that bottomed for someone else." She went on to say that hers is a "real" Dom, all the time.

It is not possible to be dominant at all times. If this "real" Dom lands his little behind in traffic court I don't think he'll be trying to top the judge. Even "the most powerful person in the world" the President, says "yes dear" and does what his wife asks. No one is a Dom all the time.

If they try to tell you otherwise they're not a real Dom.

I think this mixes apples and oranges as they say. Deferring to someone else under the appropriate circumstances does not imply one is bottoming to them.

I've never kowtowed before a judge... nor have I tried to top one. You state your case and he judges. As far as I'm concerned, he's there to top the cop if the cop is in the wrong... and if I was in the wrong, I just pay my fine. And if we meet outside the courtroom, I talk to him as an equal as I do everyone, sub or dom, lifestyle or vanilla.

I also talk to my own sub as an equal. Just because her role is different than mine doesn't make her some kind of lesser person... (or have I strayed off concept?)

[Ozme52]

Perfection, like normalcy, is an illusion. And one's idea of "perfection" will differ from another. Whose to say someone's "perfect dom" /doesn't/ include traits like humility, sensitivity, or compassion?

It is better to ask 'what would be your idea of a perfect dom'.

I'm right there with you on sensitivity and compassion. And a lot of other "soft" traits not necessarily exhibited online... but not humility, for the reasons I stated above.

[TomOfSweden]

Perfect Dom?? ~laughs and laughs and laughs~

Just couldn't resist.

Perfect anything- bah. The fragility of our soulful humanity is what makes each of us unique and precious.

That and fingerprints...

Don't forget toes. We have unique prints on our toes to. They're always distressingly discriminated against in these matters.

[Ozme52]

Human beings are complex creatures. We make mistakes, often inadvertently, and no amount of caution, care or experience can prevent us from doing so. What counts, I believe, is not that we are all imperfect to a certain degree, but that we learn out of our mistakes, as well as the way we deal with them. In that way, a good dom is somebody who learns from his mistakes and who acknowledges them. A good dom is also somebody who knows when to take advice, or fall back on the strengths of the submissive part. This is of course my personal viewpoint, but I don't think that it makes you less dominant to acknowledge a mistake and apologise for it -- it reduces hard feelings, really. I also think it would be silly to not utilise potential where there is potential -- different people are good at different things, and it would be silly to do something you are not good at yourself in order to remain 'dominant'.

Generally, I think it's easy to get a wrong impression when you go online without knowing anything about BDSM and start to read. It's not only flawless dominants who are never un-dominant and who never make any wrong decisions. There are also the flawless subs/slaves with no limits, always compliant and docile, never struggling with real life or the fact that sometimes you are simply not in the mood. If I recall correctly, there was a thread dealing with this subject a while ago...if you judge only from what you read (and of course not ALL of it is described like that) you'll be easily under the impression that in order to be dominant you will have to be always demanding and never be allowed to fail or make a wrong decision, whereas when you are submissive...well, you better be up to it at all times. Personally, I find that sad. It's a diverse lifestyle, and it's diverse people participating in it. There is no one right way -- there is only a way that is right for you and your respective partner. And this way should be okay -- without having to worry that because you do not apply to the role-model you are not really dominant or not really submissive. Anyway, just my two cents

Yep. All very well put.

[Ozme52]

What on earth are you all talking about??? My Dom is perfect.......




For me!

Yes!! And isn't that the point.

If we were all the same, only a few of the subs would be happy.

If the subs were all the same, only a few of the dom/mes would be happy.

In fact... it's really the pairing of two people that makes for "perfection."

[Ozme52]

Whippett- no car is perfect, if they were they'd have two wheels & handlbars.

You got that right!!

[Euryleia]

<snip> As far as humility is concerned... yes, maybe, if you think a D/s relationship should be sub-centric, but in one that is dom-centric, isn't humility more appropriately within the sub's domain?

Humility is the state of being humble (meriam-webster)
Humble is:
1: not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive
2: reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission <a humble apology>
3 a: ranking low in a hierarchy or scale : insignificant, unpretentious b: not costly or luxurious <a humble contraption>

By that definition, you can't be humble and be dominant. Unless you want to use different definitions or pick and choose which parts of the definition you mean.

I think most of us were using humility as lacking in false pride. There is nothing wrong with having a firm belief in your own skills and abilities. The problem is arrogantly thinking that you know it all and that you have nothing left to learn. Even in a dom-centric relationship: "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." (Proverbs 16:18)

[tessa]

Don't forget toes. We have unique prints on our toes to. They're always distressingly discriminated against in these matters.

This is one of the many reasons that I think Tom is as close to perfect as One can be. He's so hot, especially when he finds a way to fit in obscure, yet highly relevant, facts into a discussion.

But I do have a major crush on him, so I'm totally biased. He could fit in non-obscure facts and I'd still melt into a puddle.

~teenagery-girlie, staring-at-a-rock-star kind of dreamy sigh~ I'd lick him if I could.

[tessa]

I was a bit flippant in my initial response. I apologize for that. All these thought-provoking comments have given me pause to consider this idea of "perfection" a bit more in-depth. Especially this one-

In fact...it's really the pairing of two people that makes for "perfection."

I've been thinking and thinking on this.

Based on personal experience, as well as hearing of the experiences of others, even in this kinky-fied arena, it seems like there is still some need to define and label the heck out of things. And if one doesn't "fit" into a few or more of those already established slots, then they're qualified as being less than respectful of (or serious about) this lifestyle. It's led to a lot of confusion and heartache for this newbie, let me just say.

Don't get me wrong, there are wonderfully accepting people to be known here, who just don't bother with trying to qualify what's "right" or that's there's only a specified way of going about all this learning. Through these lovely souls, I've come to realize that "perfection" is possible, but only within the just-right connection (and even then, it's a tough sell at times). Oz's comment hit home with me because as I try to figure some of this out for myself, I find that there are no resolutes, no certainties. Only by coupling with their "perfect" mate (which isn't necessarily just one person in the course of a lifetime), can one find out what's true for them. And that truth may fit no one else's truth.

And you know what? That is very okay.

The perfect Dominant, the perfect submissive, the perfect D/s relationship- can it be?? I think the answer is yes, but I qualify that 'yes' with the following-

Each relationship is made unique and precious by the hearts, souls and minds involved. Therein lies the perfection. And all of what that relationship develops into has worth, whether it's agreed with or not.

There is nothing wrong with having a firm belief in your own skills and abilities. The problem is arrogantly thinking that you know it all and that you have nothing left to learn.

Exactly that.

Thank you all for what you have to contribute here. Every word matters.

tessa

[blueberry]

we all make mistakes... but everyone should always work on improving themselves, especially the art of understanding and forgiving
that goes for all areas of life

just my2cents

[Guest 092208]

Every Master was first a Disaster

This is one of my favorite saying and I think it is very true, it was and still is for me. I am a disaster but thats OK I think because I am learning to Master.

I think many have posted some good replies to Tojo with regard to Masters or Mistresses or Dom/Dommes not being perfect, being overally arrogant rather than just self-confident all this is true, but it can also be true for submissives and others.

What I think is perhaps not discussed so much is how to deal with the disaster on both sides of the equation when they occur, secondly I feel to often posted views reflect a unreal utopian political correctness which causes valid discussion and views from being explored of course you can list the ideal characteristics of a Dom or a sub but so what, most people know what they should be in every area of their lives but they are not.

Why shouldn't a person Dom be arrogant? Wouldn't this be better than some other quality "racist" "stupid" "psychopath"

Of course I would avoid arrogant stupid racist psychopathic Doms if your new to BDSM at least for a week or two. LOL

I am rambling (I do that alot) No Doms are not perfect they like everyone else have good traits and bad, how do you develop or assist someone in developing their good traits?

I would love to find a Dom development seminar or book which practically assisted.