Can you be identified?

[Blue_Monday]

I agree, Joe, that the only way to know is to watch a person's eyes or face. I find outward signs typically to be misleading. Plenty of people wear certain clothing or have a certain relationship dynamic, completely unrelated to BDSM.

I can't even say what it is about some people that makes me pause to wonder. I tend to be on the lookout for dominant guys rather than subs or women. There is one guy where I work now who has caught my attention--he's not in a position of power, but I can tell that he enjoys responsibility and leadership. He's comfortable with himself and with asking for what he wants, but he's also very courteous and respectful, even to lowly admins like me. :-) I can see him ordering a woman to her knees, taking what is his, then giving her a nice bath.

More than wondering about other people, I wonder if they can tell about *me*. I'm 100% taken, but the idea of others (especially male doms) having that certain feeling about me is positively delicious!

[her_Joe]

Thank you, B_M. My guess is that everyone enjoys being "wanted," but that probably it is women who most often get to experience the tingle of it.

hJ

[eviana]

I am frequently identified because I wear an Eternity collar and wrist and ankle cuffs. I also have my Story of O ring on my left ring finger. This time of year they are particularly visible. Up until recently I wore them 24/7 but because I have started working in an area where no one is allowed to wear jewelry around their neck or on their hands or arms I have received permission to remove my collar and wrist cuffs during working hours. I feel quite naked without them.

Does it bother me when I am stared at or questioned about them? No, I am proud and honoured to be my Master's cherished slave. When I am asked why I wear them I tell the questioner that they are symbols in my chosen lifestyle that represent the commitment that my man and I have made to each other. That they are not unlike engagement and/or wedding rings as they were given and received in a ceremony where vows and promises were made.

On the other hand I don't think most people would ever guess that Master is into BDSM except when he is with me. He certainly doesn't dress the part. His dominance is soft spoken and subtle although he has been outed once or twice when he has forgotten and called me slave in public.

I have never felt that I was being discriminated against when outed although I know there are people who wouldn't approve. I am fortunate of course that I live in a city where the population is far more liberal and accepting than most.

[Warbaby1943]

Late to the party,

I have a game I play when I (frequently) travel -- I like to watch people to see if I can locate people who may be in the lifestyle. What I watch is their eyes to see who would thrive beneath the whip or handling it. Of course I have no way to know if I'm right or wrong, but I don't think of clothing or overt body language as much of a signpost.

Did I add something? HOpe so.

Never too late and yes you did add to this discussion, thanks.

That was my reason for starting this thread because I too found myself trying to identify those in the lifestyle. Seems by the posts here that is a very hard thing to do, which originally would have been my guess.

[Phantome]

It's alive and well Phantome. Some of us still practice it. Don't forget, chivalry may well have reached it's high point during an era when all women were merely chattel. Even women of royal birth.

You never fail to make a point, Oz. Perhaps I just like the idea of a gentleman; the assholes seem to be everywhere these days...
-Phantome

[Ilfyr]

It would depend on the person doing the observing I guess, some people are definately more aware of their surroundings, but then they would also have to be willing to look for certain tells and recognize them. (THis is all theoretical).

On the other hand, it would depend on how conifdent and safe the person or couple is in different situations. Also very much the 'mood' the person is in, which I have found is very important as to the signals a person will send out. The more of a 'mood' positive or negative, tends to have larger tells.

[Warbaby1943]

It would depend on the person doing the observing I guess, some people are definately more aware of their surroundings, but then they would also have to be willing to look for certain tells and recognize them. (THis is all theoretical).

Yes but aren't those tells you refer to also part of the vanilla world? That is what I have gotten out of this thread.

[Ilfyr]

Wasn't that the question?

[Warbaby1943]

Wasn't that the question?

My intent was to ask if there were telltale signs that would define you as being part of the BDSM lifestyle. That's what I meant by "Can you be identified?"

What I have gotten out of this thread is that BDSM and vanilla lifestyles have many overlapping signs that could be interpreted either way. So probably in most cases you couldn't be identified.

[her_Joe]

What I have gotten out of this thread is that BDSM and vanilla lifestyles have many overlapping signs that could be interpreted either way. So probably in most cases you couldn't be identified.

I'm reaching a different conclusion, and not sure which if either is correct -- that you can be identified, just not by a prescribed sign or set of signs, that usually it's a sense or attitude or feel communicated via something like a "vibe" -- no?

hJ

[orchid]

It's not something I feel we should flaunt, but I don't see that we should hide it either.

i totally agree.

am i identifiable? i don't know but i would guess so if people knew what they were looking for.

[Warbaby1943]

i totally agree.

am i identifiable? i don't know but i would guess so if people knew what they were looking for.

Good point. I'm not at all sure what to look for. Vanilla and BDSM seem to have so many telltale signs in common.

[Blue_Monday]

I'm reaching a different conclusion, and not sure which if either is correct -- that you can be identified, just not by a prescribed sign or set of signs, that usually it's a sense or attitude or feel communicated via something like a "vibe" -- no?

hJ

Once again, I'm with you. Behaviors, jewelry, or clothing that looks BDSM-related could just be a relationship dynamic or fashion statement. I think there are plenty of BDSM-ers running around in suits and ties, or shorts and T-shirts, looking quite innocent. But sometimes you just get that feeling.

[Ozme52]

You never fail to make a point, Oz. Perhaps I just like the idea of a gentleman; the assholes seem to be everywhere these days...
-Phantome

Ever notice that the words chivalry and cavalier (as in cavalier attitude) are both rooted from the same word/concept?

[quietkarin]

Looking back at the original question, I was reminded of a wedding I performed at (I'm a violinist) this weekend. Drove 2 hours from my urban home to the middle of "Podunk" Georgia. Ceremony was held in a large Baptist church.

The bride was about 22. Groom was maybe 26 and an Air Force captain. It was emphasized that this was a "Christian" marriage a couple of times. Vows included the following:
- Wife agreed in the statement of intent ("I do" part) to submit to her husband in all things.
- Wife's vows (which the couple apparently wrote themselves) included "obeying" her husband.
- At 3 different places in the ceremony the passage from 1 Corinthians about the "husband is the head of the wife" was mentioned.

I found myself thinking that it almost sounded like a "master-slave" ceremony, except that her parents were sitting there... Maybe they meant "Christian" marriage as in the type of about 2000 years ago? :/

[Warbaby1943]

- Wife agreed in the statement of intent ("I do" part) to submit to her husband in all things.
- Wife's vows (which the couple apparently wrote themselves) included "obeying" her husband.
- At 3 different places in the ceremony the passage from 1 Corinthians about the "husband is the head of the wife" was mentioned.

Maybe this was intentional and related to the lifestyle but then again who knows? It could be just another instance where vanilla and BDSM overlap and become indistinguishable from each other.

[VixeyandPhoenix]

This is the type of wedding Vixey desires above all. She loves to play with the words, "Love, Honor, and OBEY".

[Warbaby1943]

This is the type of wedding Vixey desires above all. She loves to play with the words, "Love, Honor, and OBEY".

Sounds like she knows what she wants.