Dominants: Who am I? How did I get here?

[thepast]

A discussion thread for Dominants to talk about & describe their experiences, both good and bad, and their journeys to becoming who they are...

This thread is open to anyone, but is primarily designed for Dominants to discuss their experiences and new Dominants to ask questions... If you identify as a switch or submissive, please post your journey into the appropriate thread.

[MissElizabeth87]

Well...

Let's see. I'm a 21 year old college student in Oregon. I am Domme to Wellbehavedboytoy, who is the first guy I've been with. I've really always had a desire to be dominant, for the most part, though I was very much ashamed of it for awhile. I grew up in a Christian home, and while my parents were very much on the "liberal" end of Christians, I guess I always felt that I was supposed to "submit" to the man I eventually married... and really could not fathom how I was going to end up doing that.

But, about 2 years ago, I got together with Wellbehaved, who introduced me to this as sex play. I am still fairly new to this, however, as we have only been actually exploring the lifestyle as more than just random sex play for about 10 months now (he underestimated in his intro!!). I am still working through dealing with reconciling these desires with my faith. But, this desire has almost always been a part of me. My first fantasies as a young kid were about dominating others and I've always really enjoyed erotica that has domination themes. I found these boards through a desire to learn more and have some people to talk to who understood this kind of stuff besides Wellbehaved and a younger sister of mine who is submissive.

I'm not really sure exactly how or why I had these desires to begin with. I think it might have had something to do with the fact that I helped to raise my 4 younger siblings from an early age, due to my mother dealing with depression issues during my childhood, so I have always been rather in control of things... I guess I liked that a lot and never wanted to give it up I really tend to enjoy the power exchange involved in my relationship with Wellbehaved. So, I'm still getting the hang of things and am always interested in learning!!!

[_ID_]

My journey into the lifestyle started during my first marriage. I was as nilla as you can get! She was verbally abusive, as well as extremely overbearing and controlling. Without calling it was it was, but as I look back on it now, I know it was an unhealthy Ds relationship, it just didn't have any labels. I figured out that I was unhappy in that relationship, and withdrew, both emotionally as well as socially. In my internal exploration I figured out that I didn't enjoy being controlled, and wanted a relationship that would give me the control, rather than the other way around.

So began my search for someone who would enjoy that kind of relationship. I didn't know what to call it, or where to look. It was while looking through some porn that I found a link to ALT, and upon finding that I discovered the true nature of the kind of people I wanted to be around. I spent about 2 years in this status, and eventually found my first submissive. Many of you know her on this site as Karin.

Unfortunately she wasn't what she claimed, and the relationship deteriorated and ended badly. However I was able to learn a few things from that ordeal. I learned more self control, I learned how to control another, how to truly mold a submissive, I learned how to be who it was I was wanting to be.

I've now been doing this for actively for 6 years, and have had several short experiences with other submissives. Enough to have realized what I do and don't want from a sub, as well as how to effectively communicate what is and isn't okay for me, and how to get my sub to communicate what is, and isn't okay for them (a key point I might add).

My current sub and I have found some great similarities in kinks that we both enjoy, as well as limits that we both have. There is enough differences between us to keep things interesting, but enough common interests to allow us to enjoy our time together immensely.

I am at the point now in my life, as well as in my exploration of self that I realize from an early age I have always been a bit of a sadist, as well as have had issues taking direction from others (funny how I am in the military... talk about taking direction!). Anyways, from an early age I had found great enjoyment in tormenting animals or people in some sort of form or another. I've needed to be the person in control of my own self since I was an early teen, and understanding that helps me to understand why I was so unhappy in my first marriage. It also helps me understand why I so enjoy the sight of my girl tied up whimpering in complete enjoyment as I do to her what I desire to do.

[FrozenGrapes]

i am a 26 year old lesbian. with my first girlfriend. i have been with very dominant men an dalways hated the control they liked to take. now i am with a wonderful girl but she is a sub and while i love being in control i have not figured out how to really be forcful with her like she wants.. i want to be that person, i like this role but i am lost. any tips on how to talk to her would be great. i have the hands on stuff down but i do not know how to talk to her. i am a very nice respecful person by nature and so it is hard to break away from that... any tips would be great. she is a true sub and wants me to really take over but i need guidance. any help would be really appriciated..

[HardHand]

I am new to this. What is the first thing you do after you get info from your sub on her needs and what she wants.How do you start the actually process?

[Diablo]

Start with something you are both comfortable with, like verbal commands and some simple rules.

Then build from there and find out what you both like and don't like and start to using them as appropriate.

[Ozme52]

i am a 26 year old lesbian. with my first girlfriend. i have been with very dominant men an dalways hated the control they liked to take. now i am with a wonderful girl but she is a sub and while i love being in control i have not figured out how to really be forcful with her like she wants.. i want to be that person, i like this role but i am lost. any tips on how to talk to her would be great. i have the hands on stuff down but i do not know how to talk to her. i am a very nice respecful person by nature and so it is hard to break away from that... any tips would be great. she is a true sub and wants me to really take over but i need guidance. any help would be really appriciated..

No reason not to continue being "a very nice respectful person by nature." I am and have no problems being true to and projecting my nature.

Here's one possible thing to try. Are you able to go into a restaurant and give your food order to the server? Do you expect back talk? When you ask a question you expect a thoughtful respectful answer? And when you want something more, getting their attention and making your needs known?

Well, just start thinking of your sub as your life "server" and treat her with the same expectations. If you know and acknowledge the legitimacy of your relative positions, it will begin to come naturally.

[Ozme52]

I am new to this. What is the first thing you do after you get info from your sub on her needs and what she wants.How do you start the actually process?

HH, You remember her needs and use them as a reward system for appropriate behavior.

Then begin her training... because she must serve your needs.

Now I realize, you're new and don't really understand your own needs yourself... so I think it's okay to start off with some mundane things... but DO NOT think you can get totally comfortable ONLY with making mundane demands. You have to admit to yourself, the dark fantasies that really turn you on... in order to turn her on.

Okay... so a mundane thing might be a favorite meal. Or make her wash your car... (but make her wear scanty clothing or whites, and make sure she gets nice and wet...) and make sure you remain in attendance... and watch her cook your meal, watch her wash your car.

It's important that your presence is felt by her... that she knows you have a first hand interest in the quality of her service to you...

and then, when it comes time to reward her... take notes and report back here. We're all voyeurs you know.

[Ozme52]

Drat... now I'm missing the edit button too... okay... (more)

Btw, you might carry a swatter or small crop while observing her perform tasks for you. Nothing too be harsh with... but just for those small corrections.

If she doesn't stay on her toes... or wave her ass enough, give her a tap or two and tell her to "present" her ass better. Yeah... I'm having a carwash fantasy right now...

[lordPathfinder]

So who am I and how I became so, why.
To start I must say I am dyslexic and if the spell checker brakes down then good luck reading this.

I am Dominant in my nature and a Master in my desire.

The first memory of this life style was at 6 years old I tied up a boy and girl and checked out all the bits and differences. I can remember the cam that spread through my as I took control and did as I wished, it was short lived as I didn't grow at the same speed as other kids and was 3 foot 2 inches going in to secondary school at age 12. The third smallest in the year, introverted and with a burning hatred of the bully's that picked daily on me.
Left school at 17 years old at the small end of average high but growing I found the world I had lost in the books of Gor and was happy that I had found them.
I never took them as the Holy grail of how to be a Dom or Master I took from them was the words "Be yourself truly" and I looked at my life and tried to work out who was I. This road lead to a long term relationship with a woman who wished rough and wild and painful sex and and control but we both could not put the word needed to express the needs and it went critical with her upset I walked out on her.
Then a short term go with a slave who was just every thing I wished but we went our different ways as she needed some thing I could not give.
Then Vanilla as the easy option, Wrong, it has taken my from 6 years old to 39 years old, and those with a calculator will work out thats 4 years short, to work out who I am and I can how see who to be true to.
I am a Gentleman, I am polite, I live as best I can by the three guides of Honesty, Respect, Consideration, I have honor and am loyal to my friends.
With in the bonds of My rules I am easy going and like to joke and play but the rules are there and if any are broken or bent to for then Punishment is the order of the day. I like to guide and have time in my life for the simple pleasures, I wish to live as I am a man who is in control of himself and his life and am happy to be open about it.
Why am I the way I am I cant say the psychologists in the room may say it has to with the time bullied and the lose of control but this started before. Some may say that the classic control freak is at work, then again I am my own control freak first every time and i set rules yes my own first and if my slave wants to brake them its fine I will happily with a grin on my face cane her ass blood red for her. I cant say why, why strawberry's not raspberries I could not say and as my slave can tell you "So what" I am happily me, still learning still growing but in my heart whole.

If this rises any questions please ask.

LordPathfinder

[Shadoww]

Both new as dominant as to this thread. So I start with a question. I notice it is hard not to soften up when the sub is suffering, begging & pleading. Perhaps that male thing about women crying?
What keeps you from softening up?

[Tonydog000]

Hi. My name's Tony.

I'm a new Dom and have met up with an experienced sexual sub who is willing (of course she must be ! ) to let me build up a D/s relationship.

We've met up twice and messenger all the time. She is married with a Dom already and I've met him also and everyone is consenting.

During messenger chat we talked about going bareback and the question of protection. She's clean and healthy with two kids already, and hasn't been with an 'extra ' Dom for a while. I asked about protection from pregnancy and she said she has the coil fitted then said but Dom's don't like it because it says 'NO' and she then went on to tell me how to remove it and the best time of the month to get her pregnant. My fantasy is to get her pregnant, so is she just responding to this? I'm concerned because bringing a new life into the world isn't for fun. AND she's married to someone else.

Any advice please?

Tony

[denuseri]

Sounds like you answered your question: Bringing a new LIFE (a living breathing human being) into this world isnt just done on a whim, not all fantasies should be indulged.

[Shadoww]

Tony, you and her should really think again!!
Denuseri is right. Some fantasies are better left that way. Children are a huge responsibility. The baby has no say in your wish or fantasy. Take good care

[dillinja]

Hi im new to the scene but have quickly learned that im very Dom. Ive always wanted to play like this but never knew anybody that was into this and being from the smallish town growing up i was sheltered from these great things. After knowing a friend of mine for a few years one night he called me over to "check something out". It was his "new boy" and he said he wanted to show me something. He took me into his garrage where i found his "new boy" chained up, blind folded, and naked. My friend instructed me what to do and ever since then its been a great journey. Ive met a girl a few months ago at a leather bar who was just getting into the scene also. Its taken me a little bit to ease her into things but she is finally coming around, i guess i have my first sub!

edit: sorry for the long post
cliffnotes = im new!

[Wickedlust]

Myself and my sub have been dating for 3 years. Just a few months ago was the thought of D/s brought up. We've always been into that sort of sarcastic whimsy, but snickered at the thought of bdsm because we had thoughts of strange sadism come to mind and didnt seem to coencide with us. Things I've always done to him like 'play rape' when i tied him to the bed and knifed his pantyhose off (he's a tranny) I've always just thought of as being kinky and we'd laugh about the fun while people gave us strange looks. Well, i started to psychoanalize our situation more deeply and discovered 'yes I am a dominant person with an empathetic nature', and 'yes, he is a sub who loves direction.'
admittedly neither of us believe in what we refer to as 'overkill' like ball busting to be erotic, but I have found he does respond well to light cbt. We're both very new and what we do comes so naturally to both of us but adapting wholey into the scene has us stumbling through things like protocall type stuff. I dont know what to 'make' him do really because I dont really know whats expected of me.. or what I should do. I over analize though and I know that its all good as long as its ssc but I wish there was something like DOMMING 101 lol. it would help me alot. just to see what other people practice and try to adapt it for us. that's why i love this site so much.
also, we're newly getting involved in puppy play. any ideas on that are welcome too.

i seem to lack the ability to talk dirty. i dont know how + when i try it makes me laugh. and the step into domspace is almost too high up to step on without tripping on it. I try but setting a scene has always been a difficult transition for me. I'm normally the weird gothy chick everyone tends to avoid but the friends I make and the people who give me a chance I'm friends to the end with.

and I'm not as strict as I am catty.. sometimes good sometimes not.

so anyway, thats me. xoxo ~Alexia

[jimmer]

I originally broke the mold and got my first taste of something other than vanilla on a RP board, whenever a friend started to direct the play that we were going through into something of a more, heh, interesting bend. We eventually took it off the board and onto AIM, and I had my first experiences with being submissive... It was interesting, and that relationship wasn't entirely healthy, heh. That relationship eventually ended badly, but the desire for the nature of the things that we'd played out continued.

Eventually, I met my last girlfriend and it was then that the Dominant shoes really came out of the closet. She was submissive, had had fantasies and read stories and such, but hadn't really done anything too intense IRL. We explored and learned about it together, sometimes roughly, but it usually went over pretty well... I attribute that learning process with her, careful, gradual, to a lot of who I am now. People's true natures are always revealed whenever they gain power over another.

The problem that I'm having now is that after about two years, she and I broke up, for a variety of reasons. Again, while she is gone, the urge for the things that we used to do remains. My current girlfriend is pretty strongly vanilla; she'd indulge if I asked her to, but I'm sure there are those of you on this forum who have had someone do it "for you" instead of for themselves and know how wonderful that feels. We've talked it over at length in the simplest, most direct, least awkward fashion that I could imagine, so this really isn't a communication issue. She's stated what she's comfortable with, and I won't ask her to go any farther than that.

I can feel it, like water slowly trickling into a container without any holes in it. It just keeps building and building and building, and I'm not sure what to do with all of this tension, how to find some sort of release. I love my girlfriend, but as this gets worse I'm not entirely able to keep my sexual imagination from wandering back to my ex.

[powertripper]

I am fairly new to the lifestyle, and I really enjoy everything so far... I just have some questions that I am having a hard time answering for myself.

First off I am in my early 20's and am currently involved with my first sub. She is very wonderful, and obeys very well. I just am having a hard time knowing when to tone down my commands... I feel as though she should listen to me always, and we should respect each other's concerns, but I can't quite judge when I need to tone it down. i/e: public situations?

How do I judge her opinion/concerns about some of my commands when she always does as I say without question?

Thanks

[HokieFrost]

My best friend of 18 years confessed to me last week that she wants to be my sub. We have been intimate for several years, but this took me by surprise. My wife, who I am dedicated to, is aware of and is a willing participant in the intimate relationship I have with my friend. My wife is not aware though of this new growth of the relationship into a D/s one. I am not sure this is something, as open minded as my wife is, that she would understand. That being said, I am thrilled with the new development. While I was taken aback at first, I quickly realized that this fulfills several of my deeper fantasies. In truth it feels like a completely natural progression of my relationship with my pet.

I am currently deployed overseas, and it will be six months before I see my pet again. I have a few questions for the experienced Doms out there.

1. How should I approach my first encounter with my 'new' pet. Should I be dominant immediately, or should I ease into it?

2. We have exchanged a checklist that compares Dom experience with sub willingness. We have also exchanged a set of rules that she agrees to live by as my 'pet'. The good news is we appear very compatible with our kinks. Unfortunately it also illustrated my inexperience. Are there anythings that you would recommend a new Dom to start out with to establish control that is safe, relatively simple, and most importantly satisfys the sub?

3. Given my inexperience, are there activities to avoid before gaining more experience?

[leo9]

Both new as dominant as to this thread. So I start with a question. I notice it is hard not to soften up when the sub is suffering, begging & pleading. Perhaps that male thing about women crying?
What keeps you from softening up?

Up till recently, I'd have said "Enjoying it!" When my previous slaves begged and cried I loved it, it was as much a sign of my power as when they screamed with pain or crawled in submission. But there is something about the way thir cries that hits all the wrong buttons and makes me feel I should be apologising.

She doesn't want it to happen any more than I do, we both know it's a threat to our relationship. So if anyone has an answer to this one, we'd be grateful.

[leo9]

How do I judge her opinion/concerns about some of my commands when she always does as I say without question?

Teach her - forcefully - that giving you accurate information is part of the service you require. If you tell her what to do, of course she must obey without argument: but if you ask her what she wants to do, and all she can say is "Whatever you wish, Master," she's holding out on you and disobeying.

If she has trouble opening up, I suggest devoting some time to an interrogation scene where you explore her feelings the hard way, with heavy punishment for anything less than complete and honest answers.

[Guera]

"She doesn't want it to happen any more than I do, we both know it's a threat to our relationship. So if anyone has an answer to this one, we'd be grateful."

I don't have an answer, but I was thinking about more or less the same conflict, in another thread. It sort of wandered into a different topic, but...

Another thought- don't create the situation where thir can inadvertently tug at your emotions. Maybe you need to restructure your dominance style with her, altogether?

[MSB]

im MSB and im 19, from liverpool in England

My girlfriend, of 4 years (sort of, it was on and off, usual high school cr@p, but thats in the past) and about a year ago i started to quiz her about her fantasies being the curious male that i am. She froze up immediately and became very defensive about it ... but the more she wouldnt tell me the more i wanted to know ... and so i guessed and guessed and guessed ... but i was (looking back) vanilla at that point, so couldnt exactly guess much! and so i came to the internet for inspiration and stumbled across BDSM and, despite the intial shock, really started to get into it, and found myself dreaming of controling girls in that way.

About 4 months ago, i finally started to get some confessions from my girlfriend about what she really wanted, and she wanted to be controlled! Its funny how things work out

Things complicate matters somewhat, but were working towards eventual total control, and since were both young and inexperienced, any help would be appreciated

[Guera]

Things complicate matters somewhat, but were working towards eventual total control, and since were both young and inexperienced, any help would be appreciated

Im not an expert, but I think setting goals like "total control" is setting yourself up for failure. Any time you use words like "total" or "complete" or "absolute" etc... etc... you are making it impossible for yourself to actually reach your goal. This is for life in general, including relationships and playing and kink and...

Life is not black and white, and neither is WIITWD/ BDSM. The initial attraction to WIITWD (what it is that we do), and how it is portrayed in popular media, is the clear cut, rigid nature of the concept. In real life, it is (as I am still just learning) not that way at all. Maintaining the illusion, even just for a short while during a session, is a big part of the dom/me job.

Negotiating, with the desired outcomes in mind, is forever ongoing. No person has total control.

[Guest 103013]

I've always had a dominant nature, it just took meeting the right woman to let it flourish properly, although I had started experimenting and showing an interest before it happened.

I learned a lot about myself and other people through that relationship. It was very intense, but it didn't last.

I am in now in a position to start exploring this with my partner of nearly 7 years. It's like we are rediscovering eachother, it's great. I am going slow this time, and setting clear boundaries. I want to get it right this time!

[MasterNox]

Hello everyone! I'm very new to the M/s lifestyle and as a new Master I was hoping to find others that could give me some ideas and tips. I am compassionate and loving as a person and I don't want to (nor do I see why I should) lose that as a Master. I was just hoping that maybe some of you could help be shed some of the misconceptions because I don't want to squeeze myself into a role that doesn't fit but rather have the role adapt to who I am as a person. I'm a very loving and emotional person and would had to act against my nature.

Thanks!

[PixieStick]

I've known for a couple of years that I am Dominate. It just sort of came into My life one day, lol. I've been trying to ignore it, and I'm sure we all know that doesn't ever really work out. I'm new, in an online D/s relationship. Any and all help, tips, ideas, support would be greatly appreciated. =

[Beardy]

I'm a 24 year old domme who loves to experiment on people. I particularly enjoy anal hooks and planning what evil deeds to subject ickleimi to next with it. BDSM was just one of those things I have always liked. I never really got into just always been into it!

[Jennifer Williams]

Huh, funny I never saw this thread sooner. That's what I get for being lazy.

My "journey" into Dominance is well, not exactly that. I always had a dominant personality (or at least, as far back as I can remember, which is about kindergarten), and I was definitely always a sexual sadist. Sex is my favorite thing, and I was the ripe old age of five when I pestered my mother about where "babies came from" in order to get her to admit to me the delicious truth, that yes, a boy's penis does go inside a girl's vagina (which I had suspected and secretly hoped was true). And then of course I immediately wanted to try it. Didn't get that opportunity for quite a few years, of course.

When I was very young I had fantasies about boys being tied up and hurt or molested by adults (the gender of the adult was unimportant), and at some point in high school those switched to me being the person to inflict such deliciousness. Of course I knew such things actually happening was wrong- but for some weird reason, I never had a conflict with my desires. I suppose it was because I never, in my wildest dreams, thought they would ever become real.

My first sub was a boy at summer camp. All we did was a bunch of kissing, but I got to tie him up in the woods to do it. The rush was irresistible. Then there was a boy in high school who let me play games with him in his room, we did a lot of things but it was always a secret because he wanted to keep it that way. By the time I got to college I knew what I wanted; I found a boy I liked and went for him. With that one I went a little to hard, too fast, he got scared and ran away after three weeks.

Then I got lucky, very very lucky, and met a boy at work who was a masochist who liked to be burned. We had no form of a real relationship; it was just delicious, hot sex between us. And then he got hooked on drugs and that was a miserable experience, let's not go there.

That was the first time that the idea of this sort of stuff being "wrong" entered my head. I blamed myself for what happened and thought I should abandon it (I still had no fathoming that this kind of thing had an actual name and community and lots of other people who practiced it).

I tried a vanilla relationship. It was nice enough. I might have stuck to it; except then that boyfriend developed a drug problem, too. More misery and a horrible, miserable breakup leaving me feeling like crap.

Then enter my little one. He was the first boy I ever met who was actually submissive, in his nature, and he seduced me by accident, just by being who he was. For the first two years of our relationship I fought against both of our personalities, forcing him to make decisions, make choices, have opinions when all he wanted to do was just serve me; watch my movies, go to my restaurants, do what I wanted to do.

It was a long journey, but he slowly broke me down. I tried to have sex the "vanilla" way, but he always just somehow slipped underneath me, and we were both too happy that way for me to really argue with him. I stopped forcing him to stay on the couch while I got my own drinks; I learned to say "I'm thirsty" and find it cute that he flew to his feet. I learned that he really meant it when he said "I want what you want." I learned, in essence, to trust him.

By now, the wide world of the Internet had put a name to my desires, and the hardest part was admitting to myself first what I wanted, and then to ask him. It was fucking scary as hell, actually saying "Honey, I'm actually really into BDSM and since I dominate you all the time anyway, do you mind if we get kinky with our sex?" Of course it wasn't that simple. He was freaked out for a week, changed his mind a lot, and didn't talk much.

Then he said "Okay." And he let me tie him. And he loved it.

So I would say my "journey" is nothing more than the story of all the relationships I've gone through, what I learned about myself mostly through them, and that those more than anything shaped who I am as I've gone. But I was also born with this stuff in me, too. So I don't know how to answer that age-old question, is it in you from birth, or does your life bring it out? I don't know; I think it's both.

[Jennifer Williams]

I've known for a couple of years that I am Dominate. It just sort of came into My life one day, lol. I've been trying to ignore it, and I'm sure we all know that doesn't ever really work out. I'm new, in an online D/s relationship. Any and all help, tips, ideas, support would be greatly appreciated. =

Try stuff, even if you think it's "lame" or "weird". It might turn out to be the best idea you ever had, or it might turn out to be not so great. But the only way to learn is to do.