confused

[DevastatedAngel]

I've always considered myself to be a switch but after some talking with a friend who's a Dom it has been pointed out that I have mostly Sub tendencies. I'm actually worried about this. I worry because I've had bad experiences with some individuals who have claimed to be Doms. So I was wondering if any of you could tell me what to expect being a Sub? What are some of the good qualities about being a Sub?

[IAN 2411]

Before you take the word of one Dom i would talk to others first, no one changes from one to the other just because of anothers say so. That is taking switching to the extreme, by what qualities did he place you as a sub? I would think that the hardest Dom has at least two qualities that belong to a sub, check it out before you decide.

Regards ian 2411

[Jennifer Williams]

Nobody else can tell you what you are. Nobody else can tell you what your favorite flavor of ice cream is; only your tongue knows the answer. Nobody else can tell you what your favorite flavor of sex is, either, so don't worry about what he said.

I've heard a lot of switches say that in the presence of a strong Dom, they tend to become subbish, and in the presence of someone very submissive they tend to become Domish. So from a Dom's point of view, you would appear to be a sub. Kind of like how indigo looks blue when it's next to purple but looks purple when it's next to blue, lol.

In all seriousness, I think a more important question is to ask yourself what you're looking for. Are you looking for just some fun bedroom play? Then try being both sub and Dom and see which one is more fun for you. Are you looking for a long-term relationship? Then in that case who you're with and how that person makes you feel would probably be more important than titles you want to be called.

I worry because I've had bad experiences with some individuals who have claimed to be Doms.

This is just a matter of meeting the wrong people. People can be jerks whether Dom or not. There are plenty of great Doms *winks*. Maybe it's just the case that you haven't yet met the right one.

[DevastatedAngel]

that makes sense to me. I have also come to realize part of my confusion came from the misconception of being a Sub with being a slave. I know that I am looking for something long term and because of my experiences I want some one that loves my and will protect me. I'm still trying to understand the being submissive side. Perhaps I'm still confused about what a Sub is/does/means?

[IAN 2411]

I know that I am looking for something long term and because of my experiences I want some one that loves my and will protect me.

Just because you need those things does not mean you’re a sub, i gave my real life Mistress/Wife protection for thirty years, did that make her a sub, I think not.

I'm still trying to understand the being submissive side. Perhaps I'm still confused about what a Sub is/does/means?

In my case i was as powerful as my Mistress but chose to hand my power over to her when i came home in the evenings. Don’t think for one minute a sub rolls over and lets people walk all over them, it is not like that they are not carpets. You chose your own destiny in life, and you chose the way that feels comfortable to you. No person can tell you which direction you should go, that is why we were all born with brains and minds of our own.


Regards ian 2411

[Jennifer Williams]

Perhaps I'm still confused about what a Sub is/does/means?

We could all talk about that until the cows come home...and we have, and the only conclusion is that it means something a little different to everyone. Just like people are individuals, so is every sub, every Dom, and every relationship.

If it's a relationship that you're after, don't worry so much about what kind of sub you are/aren't or whatever. Look for the person that makes you feel good to be with them. Just like regular dating, just with extra spice on the side.

Hell, if they want to call themselves a sub and still do the whipping, you might confuse everybody but if you're both happy, who cares?

[fetishdj]

I used to be a switch then changed to be a sub because I had similar thoughts to you... however, I recently encountered someone more sub than me and my Dom bits woke up a little so I ended up back as a switch...

The labels are artificial and arbitary. There is no such thing as a definition of a 'sub' or 'dom' or even 'switch', no tick box of characteristics that you have to have to qualify for one or the other. Instead there is a continuous variable axis with 'sub' at one end and 'dom' at the other and most people are somewhere in between those two. I always argue that everyone is a switch and we identify as sub or dom in relation to the others we encounter. Those who identify as 'dom' simply rarely encounter anyone who is more dom than they are and so rarely (very rarely in some cases) identify as sub. Those who are sub rarely meet any who are more sub than they are and so rarely identify as dom. Switches are somewhere in the middle and so meet a greater proportion of those who are more and those who are less dominant than they are. They therefore reidentify more often.

Best thing to do is stop worrying about it and play things as you enjoy to play them. Your body will tell you what you enjoy most soon enough.

[Ozme52]

Think of it perhaps in simple terms of pecking orders.

There will be people whose lead you just naturally "follow" and there will be people who just naturally "follow" your lead. No change of character on your part, no change of attitude on your part. Only a change of "duties". You do it all the time at work and within your familial settings. Probably with friends as well.

So when it comes to dominant and submissive tendancies, the same it true. The biggest difference between doms and subs, versus switches, (from my perspective,) is that when a switch meets someone who is more sexually dominant or submissive, they are willing to change their own role, their duties within a relationship.

Whereas if I happen to meet someone "more" dominant whom I find sexually attractive, I am more likely, make that far far far more likely, to suggest sharing a sub than I am to suggest I would submit to them sexually.

[openyoureyes]

People can be jerks whether Dom or not. There are plenty of great Doms *winks*. Maybe it's just the case that you haven't yet met the right one.

No person can tell you which direction you should go, that is why we were all born with brains and minds of our own.

Pretty much I want to echo this. Being a submissive does not mean the person you're with shouldn't listen to you, what you want, what you aren't ok with. If someone takes advantage and abuses the power you're giving them, you can take it back and end the relationship with that person.

So I was wondering if any of you could tell me what to expect being a Sub? What are some of the good qualities about being a Sub?

Oh dear that seems like a loaded question, lol. The good qualities are going to vary based on who you ask. For some it might be about letting go of the control, or not feeling responsible for what's done under your Doms control, for some it might be about feeling safe and/or cared for, or maybe they just feel good when they are being told what to do and/or dominated. There's no right answer. The important thing is figuring out what you like and knowing that it's ok. If you're a sub, great! If you're not, that's great, too.

Figure out what makes you happy, find someone who can give that to you. Don't let anyone tell you what you're feeling, or what you should be feeling. The best advice that was given to me was: It doesn't matter what you think you should feel, it only matters what you DO feel. Trust your instincts.