Well, I am not going to harp on the few things that Ruby harped on. I enjoyed the way the story was told. It was rather sorrow filled and a bit dreamlike. It seemed like the story teller was chasing something he couldn't quite get a grasp on. That added to the overall feel.

There are, of course, critisisms. The main complaint I have is that there were too few contractions of words. The story being told from his point of view would have had more. No one tells a story with "would not" and "could not" unless they were trying to be scary or trying to present himself as stylized. Guys, unless they are snobbish, generally contract everything they say. If grunting were a sentence we would use it. Other than that, this was told with a voice of a rather sad man.

The changes you made to this story definately helped out, by the way. The flow was far better than it was before. One thing that I would have liked to read was of the surrounding smells and sounds. There was atmosphere, but blooming flowers offering their blooms and smells would have been a great contrast to the city and the violence and the scent of gunpowder I imagined hanging in the air.

Finally, "I followed her, suspecting no evil." Of course he was suspecting no evil. But what was he really following her for? Suspecting no evil was a forshadowing that need not have been there - lots of shit was foshadowed already. He followed, her need for his comfort being a welcome change from the quiet storm where he lived.

Anyhow - I am off. Much to do - crickets to buy. Animals to feed.