The woman looked up at me, and blinked. She looked familiar somehow. Miss Gonzales caught this look, and instantly became paranoid.

"You two know each other?" she asked.

"Not sure," I said.

"Yes," smiled the Inspector.

"We do?" I asked. "In any time in the past, did we fuck like rabbits?"

"No, no we didn't," she beamed enigmatically. "But we have shared a bed."

Miss Gonzales stamped her cute little heels on the floor at this comment, and demanded to know the full story. Typically, even though my memory of the Inspector was dim, Miss G decided that I should be the one to talk on the subject as though I was an expert.

"I... well," I said, stepping towards the Inspector and stroking her hair, "A gentleman never tells. You know. So the intimate moments that she and I have shared are between ourselves, and any fervent thoughts that we may have had for each other are now long forgotten."

"Plus, he's my brother," added the Inspector.

Instantly I tried to deny it. "I have no sis-oh. It's you. Hi Dhyanna. Dhyanna Stoat, bane of my life for the fifteen years, meet Miss Marie Gonzales, the current bane."

"I'll bane you," said one of them. I felt trapped, claustrophobic, and there was a third emotion that I left to Miss Gonzales to exclaim. "Oh my goodness! You were going to fuck your sister! Eeeeeeeeeewwww!"

"I was not!" I replied, honestly. "You know I never cheat on you, my dear. No, I was not going to fuck her. I was just going to finger her for a bit, that's all."

"Eeeeeeeeeewwww!" continued Miss Gonzales.

"But that was before I knew she was my sister," I added hastily. This appeared to stop the eeewwws.

"How could you not recognise your own sister?"

"Last time I saw her she wasn't hogtied," I began. "Seriously, I've not seen her since she was about fifteen and I was leaving for Caretaker College in Upper Totleighshire. She's filled out a bit since then, lost the braces on her teeth, and gained a vibrator. It's good to see her. Heck, I'll tell her that myself. It's good to see you, Dhyanna Banana."

"I see it all now!" said Miss Gonzales, but before I could tell her that I could see it all too, she continued. "You two, playing around in the sandpit - Dhyanna is the damsel in distress, you're the evil Baron tying her to the tree. That's how it starts, I saw a documentary on it, and they said it's all nurture, not nature. A few years of playing like that, and you have the type of gal who liked to be chained up, and a horny old Ted who is only too willing to do the chaining."

"What was that - 'Ted'? Is that what he's calling himself these days?" Dhyanna giggled. Ah. I should warn you to turn away now if you're easily offended. I rightly guessed that she was about to rival Miss Gonzales as the bane of my life again. "When I knew him, Ted was his middle name."

"What was his real first name?" asked Miss Gonzales, a little too eagerly. She was going to get such a red ass the next time we were alone. "Whisper it to me if you can't say it out loud." She hadn't grasped the concept of secrecy. I knew exactly what Dhyanna was going to say, all I could do was brace myself for the comments.

"Shirley," whispered Dhyanna. "Shirley Tedward Stoat is my brother's name."

"Oh. My. Fucking. Goodness," screamed Miss Gonzales. "I've been screwing a man called Shirley? Shirley you can't be-"

"If you finish that sentence," I warned, wagging my finger at her, "you can start wiping down that vibrator, because it'll be going right on your clit, my dear, closely followed by a half-roll of duct tape. I'd love to hear how witty you could be after eight hours of that, strapped to the kitchen table."

Miss Gonzales chose not to finish her quip. She was a wise woman, at times.