TheDeSades First Assignment

[moptop]

"Ok. . tear it apart. Take it down. Give it to me straight."

Thoughts - would DeSade enjoy taking it straight?

DeSade - I want to know what happens next! I want to know if this is a mass alien abduction, have they all gone to a great orgy experiment in the sky, and I want to know why your main characters (unless they are simply an incidental set of introduction characters, seems unlikely) aren't involved. So: there is a mystery, and I now anticipate a detective-mystery-sci-fi-erotico-rock story. My appetite is whetted.

But: yes, leaping in where angels fear to tread as ever I do, I dare to put my but before DeSade, pun absolutely intended.

The but is, your characters are not meaning anything to me, they just feel like no-interest whooping it up kids (enjoying an apparently wide-spread group-kink-sex-related music scene, yes, that's fun, of course). Now obviously Michelle has got a bit of gumption to her, Kurt is also strong, and the other two are their softer counterparts, so there are the relationship dynamics. But they havn't caught my personal interest at all.

To argue against myself here - that leaves plenty of room for them to grow and learn and become more complete people as the book unfolds. Also, it is only about page 3, just what am I expecting?

Further argument against self: oy, mouthy, you've just done your first ever story submission, you're new here, DS knows what he's doing he's a professional, where do you get off you cheeky cow? Oh dear, am pretty good at getting people's hackles up, advance apologies probably required to whole forum just in case

Anyway, summary: interesting story line, grabs the interest, want to know what's going to happen next, good; and I think that may principally be what you're interested in since you've only done 2 rewrites.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

[TheDeSade]

"Ok. . tear it apart. Take it down. Give it to me straight."
[
Thoughts - would DeSade enjoy taking it straight?

On your thoughts, I will always take it straight!

DeSade - I want to know what happens next! I want to know if this is a mass alien abduction, have they all gone to a great orgy experiment in the sky, and I want to know why your main characters (unless they are simply an incidental set of introduction characters, seems unlikely) aren't involved. So: there is a mystery, and I now anticipate a detective-mystery-sci-fi-erotico-rock story. My appetite is whetted.

Good! That was the whole intention.

But: yes, leaping in where angels fear to tread as ever I do, I dare to put my but before DeSade, pun absolutely intended.

I don't think I will be disappointed if you put your but .. or your butt. . . before me.

The but is, your characters are not meaning anything to me, they just feel like no-interest whooping it up kids (enjoying an apparently wide-spread group-kink-sex-related music scene, yes, that's fun, of course). Now obviously Michelle has got a bit of gumption to her, Kurt is also strong, and the other two are their softer counterparts, so there are the relationship dynamics. But they havn't caught my personal interest at all.

You are absolutely right. I wasn't sure how long a submission should be for a first assignment. Rather than spend a lot of time doing character development, I chose to do a much shorter version to simply lay the groundwork for later development. Its a trickier solution and harder to keep the readers interest, but character development as part of the plot development can be done. I'm not sure that I have the skills yet to do it well.

To argue against myself here - that leaves plenty of room for them to grow and learn and become more complete people as the book unfolds. Also, it is only about page 3, just what am I expecting?

The expectations of the reader is what it is all about. I am thinking that to be really effective, the work has to make a broad appeal to reader interest from the very first page, so, yours is a very valid and well perceived criticism.

Further argument against self: oy, mouthy, you've just done your first ever story submission, you're new here, DS knows what he's doing he's a professional, where do you get off you cheeky cow? Oh dear, am pretty good at getting people's hackles up, advance apologies probably required to whole forum just in case

No apologies needed here. Well founded and earnest criticism is what we are looking for here I think. Or at least I am. I am here to grow my skill and my art. I can't do that without lowering my guards enough to take some real criticism and help.

Anyway, summary: interesting story line, grabs the interest, want to know what's going to happen next, good; and I think that may principally be what you're interested in since you've only done 2 rewrites.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

Thank you for taking the time to read and to comment. I sincerely appreciate the time and effort as well as the thought that you put into this.


TDS