Married/online D/s?

[Talia]

I think debate no longer becomes healthy debate when personal attacks replace argument points.

You're exactly right, and that's why cariad closed the thread for a little while. So we can now move on with this thread and the original topic.

[storm]

We posted at the same time, which is why that came across as rude as it did.
Oops

[Talia]

We posted at the same time, which is why that came across as rude as it did.
Oops

Actually, I didn't take it as rude but a point being made...we will just move along from here with the original topic.

[Rabbit1]

I think personal feeling were going to get hurt ---when people start attacking someone elses opinion as being from High Horse comment---that is stating that you think their oppinion is not as valid as yours---it tends to go down hill from there ----you have every right to disagree with someones oppinion mine included ---but mine or yours is not from a high horse point of view ---it is from the point of view we wish to have ---What one person sees as a high horse point of view ---is just a plain point of view to others ---lets stay on topic ---state your opinion ---but respect the right of others to differ with you --and not be high horse about it

yes I do not think anyone lost their temper at this point ---but I do think it was wise to close the thread and let things cool off before someone did ---loose it ---this is to help protect all the members --as then we have people choosing sides ---and it going down hill from there ---and once it turns into a flaming contest ---then member get banned ---so lets step back cool off and have fun ---not take others oppinions too seriously ---because we all will never totally agree on everything

[BorderCollie]

Hmmmmmm,
This is a really interesting thread right here!

I'm VERY happily married to my sub, and she is fully aware that I surf porn more that probably any other thing on line.
I'm a member here and on alt.com, although not a financial memeber here 'cause it get expensive for us Aussies.

She knows that I'll never cheat on here period! But...........................

While she is a sub and a good one, she only really comes into her own when she's been drinking. Loses her inhebitions (spelling) she says.
While I'm a bondage Dom from way back, I enjoy shooting the shit with others however have NO time for the wannabes.
I'd dig to get her, a sub female to use........ However I'd not have sex with her. No if's No buts.

The problem here??? She thinks that she is fat, but she's not. Packing a little bit of emergency skin maybe??? Definatly NOT Fat!
Nobody is perfect, I'm solid/nugget type build but bugger me I'm bald with a goatee. Call it a great face for radio.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we are far from 'nilla, but we'd be 100% perfect together if she'd get around the needing a beer or 10 to actually feel as attractive as she is....

She came from a totally 'nilla marriage, and is now a bondage freak, when she see's past her, hold back.

By the way.... Is it just me or is everyone to uptight to reply to stuff, on alt.com there are very small clicky groups. I weed out the wannabe's too, but ya still gotta get to know people.

[fantassy]

One of these days you'll have to tie her tightly when she's sober or keep her bound until she's sober and carefully examine and kiss and praise every inch of that body.

fantassy

[caged]

A fascinating thread. It's very noticeable here and in the chatroom how many bdsmlibrary-ers have 'vanilla' spouses. Obviously it is something for each individual to wrestle with. For myself, I have been there, sneaking around online behind my long-term partner's back, rationalising it. I hated it.

I wanted to say something positive here, which is this: If your heart's desire is to live out your deep need for bondage, submission or domination... and you can't do so in your current relationship... you will probably find it unbelievably liberating to make the change in your life that allows you to do so. It's like breathing after holding your breath...

[suchaminx]

caged,

what a wonderful description, 'like breathing after holding your breath'

~smiles and hugs~ minx x

[Tojo]

Yes a lovely way of putting it, caged. I knew a 'caged' somewhere else, same thought provoking comments, but different spelling.

I think more could be said about the positives of being able to fullfil an important part of ourselves in such a relatively harmless way.



Tojo

[Ozme52]

I've stated what I think... and stand by it because it works for me. That's the real point. We all have to follow our own morals and standards. Mine may or may not work for you.

If you are unsure and wavering in your opinion, then you get to hear from a lot of us. What's most important to remember, is I actually have a high horse from which to opine.....

[StillBehindBlueEyes]

A fascinating thread. It's very noticeable here and in the chatroom how many bdsmlibrary-ers have 'vanilla' spouses. Obviously it is something for each individual to wrestle with. For myself, I have been there, sneaking around online behind my long-term partner's back, rationalising it. I hated it.

I wanted to say something positive here, which is this: If your heart's desire is to live out your deep need for bondage, submission or domination... and you can't do so in your current relationship... you will probably find it unbelievably liberating to make the change in your life that allows you to do so. It's like breathing after holding your breath...

Oh I just love the way you expressed that. I'm blue holding my breath at the moment, but hope to breath soon.

Oh and Oz I just love your High Horse.

[MasterC]

Here you go brattyone- this topic has been covered before, but it's something that's often mentioned & I know many of us are in the same boat.

Myself, I'm very happily married to a wonderful sexy woman who I've been with for 18 years- married for 15 of them.

I have my very own girl I've been online with for almost a year now, my sweet lisa. (talking to her as I do this actually)

I've had various online things & plan on meeting 'someone' in a few months for a r/l encounter. A strictly no-sex encounter I might add, & my wife does know- she doesn't know however, that I'll be packing some ropes....

Curious myself to hear of anyone's experiences- please let's not let this be spoilt by 'r/l is better' comments. I think that's what stops many people on forums talking about online relationships.

Is your marriage a happy one? Why do you do it? Would you leave your spouse for your D/s partner? Would you meet them in r/l? Is is cheating?
When does it become cheating?

Tojo

First off, let Me say that My wife and I are swingers. now with that siad, i will answer the questions.

No, My marriage is very rocky.I have a real life slave who worships Me.I do it because My wife will not satisfy My BDSM needs. As far as would I leave My wife for My slave? In a heartbeat if circumstances were different.
R/R?, Yes. Have already.No, In My situation its not cheating. I believe cheating is done without consent or knowledge. My wife knows and supports it. As I said, we are swingers.

Master C

[ObeyMe]

Well, being too lazy to read every post, (sorry), I HAVE to add to this, My BDSM life began online, about a year ago.

Became very enamered with the whole control aspect, met a real painslut, whom btw has a R/L Master, that just could keep up with her needs, so she was allowed o/l release sessions I'll say.

I digress, I after several months and numerous trials, took a sub, she was married as am I. Her and I had a wonderful repoire, and were as much friends as a D/s couple. This lasted for several months, until her other Master contacted Me....ooops, lol, seems she had blown her cover, so I ended the relationship, due to her lack of honesty.

Some time went by, became close off and on to several more, but never took another as Mine. Well, thoughts of leaving home to be in a position to live this R/T F/T were dancing in My head. I had mentioned some aspects of BDSM to My wife, but got very little response. Disappointed as she and I have had a true love since meeting, but My need to be a Master was calling hard.

Finally she confronted Me about My online activities, Thank God! After a very stressful day, I took her out for a drink, neutral ground you know, and quietly explained My needs, My desires and presented her with a question, Are you Willing to Serve Me As I Need It?

Thanfully she said yes!!!! Asked I be patient as she grows, of course I was ecstatic! Oour relationship has NEVER been better, nor has the sex.

All that said to say this, she considered My o/l time cheating, she said the hiding, the secretiveness in her mind constituted cheating. I of course, disagreed as I never met the person(s).

Wwe got thru all of that, but I told her I had lots of friends and aquaintances online and was not going to stop communicating that way. she only asked I be open, honest and maybe involve her, introduce her etc. All of which I was so very happy to do.

So far shes become friends with a couple of the girls I know, and Wwe've even had 2 cyber sessions with a girl I'm close to, together....now that was hott!

Am I happy, ohhhhhhyeah

Is Oour marriage a good one? One of the best I know or have seen.

Why do I do it? I really dont know, I love making girls cum, and as long as hardgirl, (wife) is aware of it, and understands the need I have to do it, I really dont sit around and analyze it.

Would I leave My wife? Never.

Would I meet My O/L sub/slave? If it was an honest relationship, shes able to accept My wifes authority over her, and shes bi, Hell Yes!!

Do I consider it cheating? I'm not touching that, but in My/Oour case, no, not now anyway.

[Mishka]

Is your marriage a happy one? Why do you do it? Would you leave your spouse for your D/s partner? Would you meet them in r/l? Is is cheating?
When does it become cheating?

Confession is supposed to be good for the soul...

I did not read the inbetween pages, but sharing this would be good for me.

My husband and I almost divorced a year ago. Things had been up and down for a few years and then it got worse. It's too long a story to tell, but after a long heart to heart we really wanted to work it out. We are happy now, "for better or for worse" often pops into my head. It was with determination and the fact that we've always been best friends that made us proceed.

I had begun some months before that to explore my sexuality online. I had been holding back and stuffing it down for religious reasons for so long I finally just completely rebelled. He is very conservative, and it was a large part of things not working out. Certainly not the only thing, but a major one.

I only recently started exploring BDSM, and it is with someone I have known almost a year now online. He is a comfort to me. Actually it has improved my marriage, because I am not frustrated and upset and feeling like I'm knocking my head against a wall. I can accept my husband for where he is at more graciously and explore things with him more patiently.

I would not leave my husband for anyone. I've had to reassure him of that frequently. He knows I am in online forums for adults only, he knows that it "gets things out of my system". He does not know the extent of things and I don't want him to know.

I actually wouldn't mind meeting my Dom in real life, but not for sex. We're friends, not just online partners. And if this didn't work out we would still get along and be able to talk of other things.

Is it cheating? Yes. I wish I could justify it, I go back and forth with the positives and the negatives. I wish I could be honest about it. I would love to lay it on the line, with the guarantee of him not hating me for it. I'm proceeding cautiously. Our communication is improving, we'll see what happens.

[briansmine]

I've dabbled in it and used it as a form of cuckolding which turns me on immensely in fantasy, but the idea of actually doing it has too many emotional facets that I doubt we'll ever go there IRL.

we get off on it, but I'm sort of lazy about finding playmates and it's hard when I can't rummage in the toy box myself. It's very different from what I'm used to, I guess, and I'll leave it at that.

It was weird for me at first because it does feel like cheating, even with his encouragement.

E

[Domtotrain]

I think that what I am about to say everyone who reads or has posted to this thread will agree is true. Where difficulties exist is in the attempt to personalize or understand how someone could feel that way.

I do these things for me. No one has a right to tell me what to do or how I should live. To a degree, you gift that right to a significant other when you marry or commit. Does anyone truly believe that they will never again have an opposing thought or desire? Is it possibe to share and become one with someone, anyone? Men and woman may orgasam at the same time, but is it the same? Even in that most inimate of expression, differences are profound. It doesnt even fell the same. Afterwards, do they both feel the same? I think not.

I have been married for 28 years. There is nothing that could make me break up and leave my wife. I love her dearly. Yet, according to most definitions, hers specifically, I cheat. When she found out about my online activities she was extrmemly hurt. Probably more so than I have ever hurt her before. We entered professional counseling. We spent months with a BDSM psychiatrist (yes, they exist). Each of us explored our limits. What could she live with and what could I accept. We reached a semi-consensus. It was her belief that once I had an emotional attachment to a woman other than her we surpassed the realm of fun and games into infidelity. I argued that it was just electrons and didnt mean anything. That is not true. My subs mean the world to me and I am as much committed to them as I am to her. Most of us believe that monogomy is a trap and wether we practice it or not is a personal choice. It goes deeper, to the primal level and can never be bred out of us. The urge to procreate is fundemental to exsistance. We can no more eliminate it than we can the need for water or food. It is possible to eat or drink too much and cause physical, real damage. So, it is with procreation.

Procreation as recreation is relatively new in the evolution of man. As we learn and grow our horizons expand. It is conceivable that man of the distant future will regard our attempts as feeble at best.

What I do know is that the repression of desires is counter productive and goes against nature. What possible benefit could i derive by allowing myself to practice self denial? Worse yet, to feel guilty or bad or dirty for having the desires in the first place? Is control of urges what seperates us from the apes? That is too simplistic of an answer. Everyone knows that keeping things bottled up inside is harmful and will eventually lead to a purging that may or may not be appropriate at the time. That is when people truly get hurt.

Which brings us to the simple question, is it cheating to enjoy someones company, character, affection, and desires if you are not their committed counterpart? If you are attracted to someone and you deny and repress it are you better off? What if that someone is of the same sex so the possiblility of procreation does not exist? Have you now rebuked nature itself? If so, what is the source of these desires? Free will?

I could go on asking variations of the same questions and confuse the issue and even argue and debate the other side, however, it comes down to this......"to thine ownself be true." We are programmed as others have pointed out succinctly to consider the feelings of others over our own. To this altruistic motive, I say pshaw. Altruism is a phony concept for it is much like the ideal S/M relationship where the Masochist says, "beat me, and the Sadist says, "no." That is the perfect scenario. With alturism you get every one wanting and needing to give and no one willing to take. The concepts collapse like a super nova. Which starts out as a black hole. Interesting parallel there.

So, what have I said besides there is no right or wrong answer? The question initially raised was perfect in its intent. What and how do you feel about your activities? The operative word being you.

I only present this diatribe to perhaps ease some of the internal conflict I hear in many of these posts and would suggest that more time be devoted to loving and becoming comfortable with yourself.

You are a unique creature of God and God dont make no junk!!!

[Domtotrain]

I think that what I am about to say everyone will who reads or has posted to this thread will agree is true. Where difficulties exist is in the attempt to personalize or understand how someone could feel that way.

I do these things for me. No one has a right to tell me what to do or how I should live. To a degree, you gift that right to a significant other when you marry or commit. Does anyone truly believe that they will never again have an opposing thought or desire? Is it possibe to share and become one with someone, anyone? Men and woman may orgasam at the same time, but is it the same? Even in that most inimate of expression, differences are profound. Afterwards, do they both feel the same? I think not.

I have been married for 28 years. There is nothing that could make me break up and leave my wife. I love her dearly. Yet according to most definitions, hers specifically, I cheat. When she found out about my online activities she was extrmemly hurt. Probably more so than I have ever hurt her before. We entered professional counseling. We spent months with a BDSM psychiatrist (yes, they exist). Each of us explored our limits. What could she live with and what could I accept. We reached a semi-consensus. It was her belief that once I had an emotional attachment to a woman other than her we surpassed the realm of fun and games into infidelity. I argued that it was just electrons and didnt mean anything. That is not true. My subs mean the world to me and I am as much committed to them as I am to her. Most of us believe that monogomy is a trap and wether we practice it or not is a personal choice. It goes deeper, to the primal level and can never be bred out of us. The urge to procreate is fundemental to exsistance. We can no more eliminate it than we can the need for water or food. It is possible to eat or drink too much and cause physical, real damage. So, it is with procreation.

Procreation as recreation is relatively new in the evolution of man. As we learn and grow our horizons expand. It is conceivable that man of the distant future will regard our attempts as feeble at best.

What I do know is that the repression of desires is counter productive and goes against nature. What possible benefit could i derive by allowing myself to practice self denial? Worse yet, to feel guilty or bad or dirty for having the desires in the first place? Is control of urges what seperates us from the apes. That is too simplistic of an answer. Everyone knows that keeping this bottled up inside is harmful and will eventually lead to a purging that may or may not be appropriate at the time. That is when people truly get hurt.

Which brings us to the simple question, is it cheating to enjoy someones company, character, affection, and desires if you are not their committed counterpart? If you are attracted to someone and you deny and repress it are you better off? What if that someone is of the same sex so the possiblility of procreation does not exist? Have you now rebuked nature itself? If so, what is the source of these desires? Free will?

I could go on asking variations of the same questions and confuse the issue and even argue and debate the other side, however, it comes down to this......"to thine ownself be true." We are programmed as others have pointed out succinctly to consider the feelings of others over our own. To this altruistic motive, I say pshaw. Altruism is a phony concept for it is much like the ideal S/M relationship where the Masochist says, "beat me, and the Sadist says, "no." That is the perfect scenario. With alturism you get every one wanting and needing to give and no one willing to take. The concepts collapse.

So, what have I said besides there is no right or wrong answer? The question initially raised was perfect in its intent. What and how do you feel about your activities? The operative word being you.

I only present this diatribe to perhaps ease some of the internal conflict I hear in many of these posts and would suggest that more time be devoted to loving and becoming comfortable with yourself. You are a unique creature of God and God dont make no junk!!!

[newone]

i am 25 male i am a dom by nature and really like to put women in strict bondage i can't kidnape anyone to fullfill my desires only the way i have to marry a woman that understand me and obey me as master can u help me how can i find the right woman and tell her about myself i m not married yet this is my only one way help me

please mail me at secretlearn@yahoo.com

Here you go brattyone- this topic has been covered before, but it's something that's often mentioned & I know many of us are in the same boat.

Myself, I'm very happily married to a wonderful sexy woman who I've been with for 18 years- married for 15 of them.

I have my very own girl I've been online with for almost a year now, my sweet lisa. (talking to her as I do this actually)

I've had various online things & plan on meeting 'someone' in a few months for a r/l encounter. A strictly no-sex encounter I might add, & my wife does know- she doesn't know however, that I'll be packing some ropes....

Curious myself to hear of anyone's experiences- please let's not let this be spoilt by 'r/l is better' comments. I think that's what stops many people on forums talking about online relationships.

Is your marriage a happy one? Why do you do it? Would you leave your spouse for your D/s partner? Would you meet them in r/l? Is is cheating?
When does it become cheating?

Tojo

[Widget]

newone I suggest a personal ad instead of this thread. You might have better luck there.

[Tasker]

I have been married for 19 years this January to a wonderful woman and wonderful mother to our two girls. I love my wife dearly.

In recent years I finaly came to grips with with my attraction to BDSM and began researching as much as I could find on the subject. At first I was doing this without letting the child bride know and I reached a point where I began to lose touch with our relationship as 'nilla no longer did anything for me.
Because I was no longer communicating (first mistake) the child bride began to think I was having an online affair ( I wasn't). I then compounded my error by withdrawing further until eventualy things came to a head.

The long and short of it was that if I had bothered to discuss my feelings with her in the first place I would have learned that she found some aspects of BDSM atracted her. She isnt into the lifestyle as deeply as I would prefer to go but is open minded enough to listen and learn. ( Currently encouraging her to sign up to these forums )

As far as online / outside relationships, that is a no go area. Firstly because I would feel like I would be betraying her and secondly because it would wound her deeply. I have done enough of that aready.

My personal aim now is to continue my education in the lifestyle and hopefuly the child brides as well. I have now spent the best part of a day going through the threads on this forum and have barely scratched the surface. The institutional knowledge of the membership of these forums, not to mention the obvious interaction of the members gives me hope that we can find a balance that suits us both, through reading and interacting with others here.

Tasker

[Masterandsub]

My wife and i have only been married for 4 months (together for just over 4 years), and we began experimenting with D/s about 2 years ago. Our D/s life is by no means 24/7, as we only scene when we have the oppurtunity. Being married has only made our commitment as Dom and sub in those scenes all the more powerful - she even likened her wedding ring to a collar on our wedding night... you can see the similarities certainly.

Yours

Master Martin

[tainted Angel]

WOW a perfect thread for me. LOL

I am married and happy. I love my husband dearly and there is no other person in the world who can give me what he does. Our relationship is what we both want and need and within that we push each other to grow and become more.

I am a sub and I crave a lot of things that at this moment in time my husband cannot give to me. We are taking baby steps together into the world of D/s and I adore him for that, he has amazed me and will continue to. He also recognises and appreciates the part of my personality which is submissive which sometimes makes him nervous (I am usually the one in charge of the family and the home)

There are people out there who will question our way of doing things especially as there seems to be a lot of topping from the bottom at the moment but then we have no problem with it so..... when he grasps that things are OK he will take the control, I am just offering it. We both know that at this moment I have the knowledge and so the tone and pace is agreed and I taint it towards him being more in control, as his knowledge and confidence grows he will grow and take on the role more readily.

As for online. We have had detailed chats about this, we have our own agreements. My husband has told me that he has hard limits of things that he simply will not do, that is fair. He is happy for me to seek out experiences outside of us of things that he cannot give me. Now we do not see this as cheating under the rules of within our limits and always being completely honest about it. he doesn't need transcripts but he doesn't want it hidden. The moment it is secret it is cheating. That is the way that I see it.

Emotionally with online you are giving something to someone else that is special and of course this can be seen as cheating just as it would be if that person was in front of you. I do not see the distinction. If I wouldn't do it if they were in front of me I don't do it online. My number one priority is my family and so an online Dom would be my next priority. But my husband gets final say. We are very open with each other so I have no idea how typical that is just that it works for us.

It is crazy sometimes I think because people think of online as being well explicit but the one thing that my husband has pointed out in my conversations that I have with friends who are DOm's is the rhythem and approch of the conversations the 'roles' within everyday talk that at this moment he does not feel confident in. Basically he likes to see me happily talking in my role as sub, not actively doing anything just slipping into easy chat. I hope that makes sense to some.

[tainted Angel]

My wife and i have only been married for 4 months (together for just over 4 years), and we began experimenting with D/s about 2 years ago. Our D/s life is by no means 24/7, as we only scene when we have the oppurtunity. Being married has only made our commitment as Dom and sub in those scenes all the more powerful - she even likened her wedding ring to a collar on our wedding night... you can see the similarities certainly.

Yours

Master Martin

Yep I always tell my Husband that my collor is on my finger!

[Sir_G]

I found your post thought provoking and honest and it would appear you share a similar relationship to my wife and I. I guess the difference is I'm writing from a Dom perspective.

We both have had online relationships, she is currently in one. I on the other hand am not. I believe we both (you and I ) share similar spiritual beliefs that I would like to pursue at another venue (MDS) at a discussional level. Your profile fascinated me and I have been too busy to reply till now, however, I guess I have done something about that.

Of course I could be completely off base and none of the above applies. What ever happens, Well Met and Blessed Be.

[tainted Angel]

Blessings to you, it is definately a comfort to know that our situation is not as bizzarre as we first thought.

[Rhabbi]

I am discovering that, for me, online is harder because the level of feedback I depend on is not always there. I think things aree going well, and discover that I misjudged her understaning. But the committment level is just as intense, and thus the mistakes cause the same damage that they would in real life.

[pyarrie]

Hey, just joined the forum today. I am getting married in May and i was extremely lucky that my fiancee was interested in exploring BDSM with me. We've been together for a bit more than two years. Since I did get lucky in this manner for me online relationship, I feel, are out of the question since he does fufill all of my needs. However, I agree with tainted angel in that if an online relationship is required to have that part of you be expressed than honesty and communication would be a mandatory requirement