This isn't anything melodramatic about why I didn't work as a sub for WS. No accusations or soap opera, no excuses. I just had some time to think and wanted to write down what I learned from this, to take with me.

It's true, I failed.

I had recently been encouraged by this post:
The things that are likely to stick in your mind as you participate in a community like this are the most extreme things. If you're going to get your introduction to BDSM in a place like this, it's just important to realize and remember that it's not necessary for everyone to live at the extreme end of the spectrum. For every person who has 6 live-in slaves who wear chastity devices 24/7 and have highly structured rules about when they're allowed to speak, there are probably 30 people who like to tie up their partner, fuck them in the ass and then apologize for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. No spot on that spectrum is inherently "better" than another. It's just about finding the right place for you. So if you're not sure that you'd be happy being actively submissive every day, don't be afraid to try being submissive for just one day. (posted by cage in the thread 'do you ever feel like not being a sub')
The first thing I learned is to be realistic about expectations and what I can give or not give. With all good intentions I could not give what I thought I could. What I had intended to give, no matter how sincere. If I had a real life situation it would probably be very much like the
people who like to tie up their partner, fuck them in the ass and then apologize for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning.
The second thing was about communication. I'm old enough to know this already. I have a marriage that actually was saved because we finally communicated. As I wrote in another thread, I hated it when I failed a task or couldn't be online when planned. I had bitten off more than I could chew (no pun intended). I certainly didn't want to admit it at first. I guess I thought it would iron itself out. When I realized that I had to accept it I didn't say anything. That isn't fair to the other person. Online relationships need better communication than that. Otherwise the other person feels like they're put on a shelf until you want them next. Had I been honest with myself about what I could offer and had communicated that better it would have been more obvious sooner what would and would not work.

Looking over it I find it sad, that these are such obvious things, but I missed them because I didn't look hard enough... not at myself and not at us as a couple.

Well, those are the musings of the day. Still learning...still growing.