Rhabbi,
I think this is one of the biggest struggles that most of us confront at sometime in our bdsm lives. As a Dom for 30+ years, I know I have struggled more than once with integrating a vanilla real life and a bdsm lifestyle. I appreciate your opening this question for discussion. I know that I will be thinking about your questions and how I have approached this conundrum on my life and when I have worked through it, I will post some reflections from my personal experience.

ANd welcome! . . . . glad to have you with us.