I have been particularly encouraged that this lifestyle does not have a formula. For example, in the Jewish celebration of Shabbat, there is timing, how, when, where. The family fits the life around the order of pre-determined celebration. bdsm is not like that.

It can include or not any number of choices to enjoy. A slave may be collared, but that collar doesn't have to be flamboyant. I'm sure vanilla friends don't really want to know what you do in the dungeon or bedroom. That's not usually discussed unless one is discussing health issues or babies. The exception being very very close friends or some family members. (that would be an interesting topic at the next family reunion)

Do we necessarily know or see how couples we assume to be vanilla show respect for each other or submission behind closed doors? But it is often plain to see that their is respect (even submission)while out in public without going into details. You can just "sense" it.

The lifestyle doesn't dictate the relationship. The relationship molds the lifestyle to fit itself. Hope I'm making sense.

I'm sorry if I'm over-explaining a position you've already worked through.