On honesty and feminism

[cadence]

Hello and Welcome
You have written an excellent and thought provoking post.
Your story has definately hit home with me.
My b/f and I have only just started to address the D/s issue, and it took me an extremely long time to even start to express myself to him.
Our relationship had become so stagnant for so long, it became a comfortable thing between us.

And I hope I am not the only one who would like to hear your thoughts on feminism being incompatible with D/s. I would have agreed with that statement as well.

[STONE'sSLUT]

MasterStone: Thank you, my king. I am always happy to hear that I have pleased you.
BaronVonWinger: Hello & thank you very much.
cadence: Hello, Thank you for the welcome and your kind words. I sympathize with your situation – we are not long out from where you two are now. I so glad to hear you shared that part of yourself with him. IMO, only good can come of it. I encourage you to keep that in mind as you continue exploring – even, perhaps especially, during the rocky moments we all face in determining our boundaries and interests. Since I read your post, I’ve been typing madly away. I hope what follows will answer your questions about my point of view…

I garnered my definition of feminism from two areas: my upbringing – which was basically feminist when it came to me, but very traditional when it came to gender roles within the household; my undergrad & graduate education – which involved the study of history with concentrations in gender relations, Women's Studies & psychology of prejudice. Through my studies, I learned the basic definition of the word, feminism:

1: the theory of the political, economic, & social equality of the sexes
2: organized activity on behalf of women's rights & interests

I also began to see many contradictory &, frankly, hypocritical beliefs & agendas that I could not ascribe to placed under the protection of claiming it as a feminist ideal (discussed below). Despite becoming increasingly confused by the ambiguity of much of my sister-feminists’ rhetoric, I was particularly influenced by the idea that being a feminist meant taking control of all aspects of one’s life – in & out of the bedroom. The idea of rebuking any kind of dominance & refusing to feed my submissive nature seemed to make sense in the context of the old axiom: “give an inch, they take a mile.” To address this fully, let me first cover some of my issues with some “feminist” suppositions:

Firstly, the definition of feminism clearly addresses the interaction between the individual/group with society in the public sphere, yet some seem to indiscriminatingly apply it to issues well outside the public realm of influence. For example, the claim that “patriarchy-approved” activity between consenting individuals – such as giving head, having sex doggystyle, or enjoying BDSM – somehow calls for shaming women for their sexual choices (something I never have & never will support). This seems entirely outside addressing public equality for women, & much more in the realm of setting up yet still more socially motivated, oppressive dictates that are used to control women’s sexual behavior.

Secondly, I see a distinct difference between feminism & female supremacy. There are definitely inequalities between people – those who claim otherwise are simply not letting the truth stand in the way of setting up their agenda as sacrosanct. Truthfully, there are a plethora of factors that make us unequal – I just don’t believe that gender is one of them. Being a woman is a wonderful thing…but it doesn’t make me “better” by simple virtue of what’s between my legs. THAT idea is much more suited to coming from the supporters of the patriarchy, IMO.

Thirdly, I abhor the suggestion that dominance over & the degradation of one gender is a necessary evil for the other to maintain basic human rights. This should really coincide with the issue of female supremacy being a completely separate & virtually diametrically opposed ideal to feminism by virtue of the definition of equality, but I separate the two because I believe that we all too often feel the need to “right the wrongs” of the white male privileged patriarchy by creating an exceedingly hostile world for men by stripping them of every vestige of their identities as male & making socially dictated & inherent characteristics of manhood anathema to our “modern” world. This leads me to the next point…

Fourthly, I don’t believe that appropriately cultivating, appreciating, &/or celebrating the culturally dictated & inherent differences in the sexes goes against any feminist tenant. I feel that it is important that we look to the biological differences as something to be proud of – not ashamed of (generally, women are soft while men are hard; men are physically stronger while women have astounding physical endurance/pain tolerance…I could go on, but you get the picture). There is a purpose for the differences & I see no reason to look upon them as a “curse,” but prefer to see them as a gift.

Continuing on this point, I refuse to see simple acts of consideration (the least I would do for a roommate or stranger – i.e. doing laundry, keeping house, etc. or opening the door, etc.) for the person I love as some affront to my personhood – or his! And I certainly don’t believe that a woman asking to be treated “like a woman,” or a man asking to be treated “like a man,” should be viewed as some kind acquiescence to the idea that gender should dictate political, economic, or social equality. As much as I am a feminist, so am I a realist. There are traditions & expectations that determine how the different genders behave & interact that are so deeply entrenched in & imperative to the continuance of our unique culture, with the benefit of both sexes in mind, that they must be modified & added to, not wholly eradicated. As a simple example, men have consistently been charged with two main purposes throughout human history: provide & protect. Who would benefit by removing (or wrestling?) those responsibilities from their hands? Would it not be more efficient to allow women to equally join in these responsibilities?

Fifthly, the general sentiment I consistently hear from too many “open-minded, forward thinking, non-judgmental” feminist seems to be, “You can’t judge me because it’s wrong. I won’t judge you – as long as you believe, follow & espouse exactly what I do.” My personal ethics do not allow me to view my beliefs, lifestyle, & choices as qualifying me to dictate these things to others. I may well think you are an idiot, but I am completely comfortable with agreeing to disagree & do not see it as my duty to intervene in any way until laws we have all agreed upon have been violated. So….

What I see much more clearly today as a submissive, as a feminist, & as a loving partner, is that this ideal of feminism being equivalent to completely governing a relationship sets up the inevitability of one partner always being oppressed by the other who TAKES control. In better understanding the basics of the power dynamic in any type of healthy relationship (consensual giving & receiving), I have come to the conclusion that those of us involved in D/s are actually much more honest in our dealings involving control & power than most in the vanilla world, & can therefore support truly feminist ideals with the very kind of relationship so many hold up as an abomination (Hey – at least the feminist & the religious zealot can find common ground, huh? ). Rather than a woman “fighting” for control of her life, I believe D/s (from the perspective of a submissive, of course) allows a woman the freedom to CHOOSE what aspects of her life she is willing to relinquish, which issues she is willing to compromise on, & what her hard lines are – all shared in a manner that is loving, respectful, & cooperatively progressing toward happiness for all involved. Any healthy relationship should require trust, honesty and communication, but they are all absolutely imperative in a D/s relationship. None of that, for me, calls my feminism into question. In fact, the idea that a woman should be equally invested in her relationship with someone who respects her needs & desires fits perfectly into my more fully developed understanding of feminism as an ideal & a lifestyle. After all, is that not what feminism ultimately calls for?

Well, I think I’ve ranted enough for tonight. I’ve been up typing for hours, so if there is something that doesn’t make sense or grievous grammatical errors, please forgive me & feel free to ask me for clarification or justification.

Hugs & Spankins!
Stone’s Slut