D/s outside one's marriage

[annie]

From time to time I read things on the internet from people who are married, but also have a dom or a sub who isn't their spouse, often just online. And often it seems like the spouse doesn't know about it.

I'm trying not to be accusatory here, but... I don't get it. How is this not simple adultery/cheating? What am I missing about the relationships that makes this sort of thing acceptable?

Think "adultery/cheating" is a very broad term that each difines differently on many levels.

If my finding sexual stimulation through an on-line D/s relationship is considered cheating/adultery then the same would need to be applied to my husbands desire to look at porn on-line. After all... same ending results for each person just a different method in getting there...

Secondly, not to sound like Clinton, but what does the foundation of "cheating/adultery" really mean. Is it just the sexual stimulation or is it actual physical intercourse or is it simply having the emotional needs met by another?

And... does the other spouse not know because they don't want to know?

And from one's perspective, up bringing, culture, etc. it may be defined as cheating/adultery. That may not be the same case for others though based on the same criteria.

And, before fingers get pointed at the "adulterous/cheating" spouse.... why has the "cheating" occurred? Where there other options? What were those negatives?

Each situation is extremely different based on the people involved and the circumstances... so i don't think there is one truly clear cut answer. It is something that each person has to look at, evaluate, and decide for themselves... and it isn't up to the rest of the world to judge the decision that comes from it.

[TomOfSweden]

If my finding sexual stimulation through an on-line D/s relationship is considered cheating/adultery then the same would need to be applied to my husbands desire to look at porn on-line. After all... same ending results for each person just a different method in getting there...

The difference is massive. Two people interacting vs one person making love to themselves. I see no parallel at all.

[annie]

The difference is massive. Two people interacting vs one person making love to themselves. I see no parallel at all.

Once again... depends on the perspective and the relationship....

[Guest 91108]

Each situation is extremely different based on the people involved and the circumstances... so i don't think there is one truly clear cut answer. It is something that each person has to look at, evaluate, and decide for themselves... and it isn't up to the rest of the world to judge the decision that comes from it.

yes. that is how i see it. who knows if it's cheating without the input from all three parties involved.

[Hime]

I think it is cheating if it is outside of the agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship. For instance, before my fiance and I had a D/s relationship, he agreed that I could be with other women (with his knowledge), but not other men. So if I'd been with a man, that would have been cheating.

To me, a BDSM relationship between two people, even if it isn't strictly sexual, or even if it's purely online, is a very intimate relationship. I met D online and for the first few months we didn't meet in person, but if one of us had had an SO or spouse during that time, I imagine that they would have been very upset to discover how much time we had spent talking to each other and how close we had become. I'm very happy that we were single when we found each other.

Personally, I go by the "golden rule." I have male friends online and in person, and when I am with them I try to not do or say (or let them do or say) anything that would upset me if D did that with a female friend -- so a hug is ok, but a kiss definitely is not. For me, a BDSM relationship falls into the category of something that would upset me if I was the spouse. I would be badly hurt if I found out that the person I loved had gone behind my back to find a relationship with such a deep level of trust and intimacy -- even if there was no sex involved, I think it would be worse for me than if he was just sleeping with someone.

Of course, there are people who have multiple relationships where everybody involved knows, and they all seem happy. I really admire those people (I'm looking at you, Wolven Vixen) for their generosity in "sharing" someone important to them -- I don't think I could ever do that.

Also, I think part of the reason that there is such a stigma attached to homosexuality, bisexuality, and sexual fetish lifestyles is the stereotype that people get married as a "cover" and then cheat in order to satisfy their "cravings." So even though a relationship between two consenting adults doesn't hurt anyone in and of itself, a lot of the time there is someone on the "outside" who is hurt -- and moreso if kids are involved.

I don't want to judge other people, because I'm so lucky myself -- I love someone, he loves me, he seems happy to dominate me (after some initial stumbles), and neither of us are entangled with other people. I can see how the choices get really complicated for people in different situations.

[TomOfSweden]

Also, I think part of the reason that there is such a stigma attached to homosexuality, bisexuality, and sexual fetish lifestyles is the stereotype that people get married as a "cover" and then cheat in order to satisfy their "cravings." So even though a relationship between two consenting adults doesn't hurt anyone in and of itself, a lot of the time there is someone on the "outside" who is hurt -- and moreso if kids are involved.

I could understand this sentiment in the 1950'ies or if we lived in Iran, but here in the West and now? Isn't this society over gay-bashing a million times over today?

[Hime]

I could understand this sentiment in the 1950'ies or if we lived in Iran, but here in the West and now? Isn't this society over gay-bashing a million times over today?

That would be be nice, but I'm afraid that homophobia is alive and well in the Western world. In my state, someone recently conducted a poll and found that 55% of locals are against including sexual orientation in sex-ed classes, because they don't believe in teaching that homosexuality is a valid "lifestyle."

And there are still plenty of cheaters who use the excuse that "I had to cheat on my wife and kids because I'm gay, and that's what gay people do." Of course, there are tons of gay people out there who come out before getting married to a person who isn't of their preferred gender, or, if they realize that they are gay while in a hetero relationship, choose to be honest and leave their original partner. But at least in the States there is an attitude that "alternative" forms of sexuality are associated with adultery, and the idea of a "cover marriage" is a big part of why. We had a big politician in the States come out as gay recently -- only, he wasn't just gay, he was cheating on his wife with an employee to whom he'd given major perks because he was sleeping with him. Similar story for a married religious leader who wrote off an exposed relationship with a gay hustler as "sex addiction." A lot of people here equate being gay with "bad behavior."

[TomOfSweden]

That would be be nice, but I'm afraid that homophobia is alive and well in the Western world. In my state, someone recently conducted a poll and found that 55% of locals are against including sexual orientation in sex-ed classes, because they don't believe in teaching that homosexuality is a valid "lifestyle."

And there are still plenty of cheaters who use the excuse that "I had to cheat on my wife and kids because I'm gay, and that's what gay people do." Of course, there are tons of gay people out there who come out before getting married to a person who isn't of their preferred gender, or, if they realize that they are gay while in a hetero relationship, choose to be honest and leave their original partner. But at least in the States there is an attitude that "alternative" forms of sexuality are associated with adultery, and the idea of a "cover marriage" is a big part of why. We had a big politician in the States come out as gay recently -- only, he wasn't just gay, he was cheating on his wife with an employee to whom he'd given major perks because he was sleeping with him. Similar story for a married religious leader who wrote off an exposed relationship with a gay hustler as "sex addiction." A lot of people here equate being gay with "bad behavior."

I guess it's different all over the world. Being gay is the vogue here. If you want to make a fast political career it's "smart" being gay. It makes it easier to get elected.

I use Holland as a civilization meter, where Holland is the most civilized land on earth and then I just compare every country to it. The less evolved a country is compared to it, the more behind it is. Even though it might have it's flaws, it makes it a lot easier to understand the world.

They're allready over the gay-vogue thing. We'll, (Sweden) get there. And if you're country isn't there yet, it'll come. It's just a matter of time and social maturity.

It's been true the last 60 years so it's no reason to believe Holland will stop being the most politically advanced country on earth any time soon.

[Ozme52]

I guess it's different all over the world. Being gay is the vogue here. If you want to make a fast political career it's "smart" being gay. It makes it easier to get elected.

I use Holland as a civilization meter, where Holland is the most civilized land on earth and then I just compare every country to it. The less evolved a country is compared to it, the more behind it is. Even though it might have it's flaws, it makes it a lot easier to understand the world.

LMAO. I don't know if I'd go that far but I can't come up with a better example at the moment.