Is It A Conscious Decision?

[wildfire3]

Warbaby, I am so glad you posed this question/topic.

Lately I've been questiong myself *sooo* much..."If I really want to follow through on being submissive, why is doing X so hard?"
It's made me doubt my decision to be here a lot. It always seems easier for everyone around me (yeah, I know the grass is always greener...), so why do I struggle with what seem to be the most basic aspects of being submissive? I was pretty upset about it yesterday...I was feeling like a failure as a sub. I was finding certain tasks annoying and bothersome and frustrating, when I wanted them to feel exhiliarating and challenging and...different.
I tried talking about it. I ended up feeling like I telling him what to do. I think I wanted him to be angry. I know I wanted more of a reaction than..."I know you tried your best..." I don't know if I did. Maybe I needed to be pushed harder. And then it's more of the same dull repetitive stuff. So yes, I consciously didn't do what I was asked to do. I walked away from it for a while. I did nothing, but think.
I finally came to the conclusion that if it's making me this unhappy, why am I doing it? If he can't hear me when I seriously say I can't or I won't or that's enough of that, then maybe its not me. Or maybe it is me, and I'm just not the right sub for him. I can live with that...I don't like it because I'm back at square one again, but I told myself I was going to see this through, and I meant it. I'm not going to give up on being a sub just because I blew it the first time online.
I re-read my post and it sounds confusing. Maybe I'm whining. Maybe I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. If so, you can tell me...I'll listen. I know I'm not offering many answers, but this thread really hit a chord right now. Just my 2 cents, anyway.

[Aussiegirl1]

Warbaby, I am so glad you posed this question/topic.

Lately I've been questiong myself *sooo* much..."If I really want to follow through on being submissive, why is doing X so hard?"
It's made me doubt my decision to be here a lot. It always seems easier for everyone around me (yeah, I know the grass is always greener...), so why do I struggle with what seem to be the most basic aspects of being submissive? I was pretty upset about it yesterday...I was feeling like a failure as a sub. I was finding certain tasks annoying and bothersome and frustrating, when I wanted them to feel exhiliarating and challenging and...different.
I tried talking about it. I ended up feeling like I telling him what to do. I think I wanted him to be angry. I know I wanted more of a reaction than..."I know you tried your best..." I don't know if I did. Maybe I needed to be pushed harder. And then it's more of the same dull repetitive stuff. So yes, I consciously didn't do what I was asked to do. I walked away from it for a while. I did nothing, but think.
I finally came to the conclusion that if it's making me this unhappy, why am I doing it? If he can't hear me when I seriously say I can't or I won't or that's enough of that, then maybe its not me. Or maybe it is me, and I'm just not the right sub for him. I can live with that...I don't like it because I'm back at square one again, but I told myself I was going to see this through, and I meant it. I'm not going to give up on being a sub just because I blew it the first time online.
I re-read my post and it sounds confusing. Maybe I'm whining. Maybe I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. If so, you can tell me...I'll listen. I know I'm not offering many answers, but this thread really hit a chord right now. Just my 2 cents, anyway.

Wlidfire,

Thank you so much for your input into this discussion, and you were NOT whining! In fact, I am sure you are echoing what so many subs have thought at one time or another!

As a relative newcomer to this world, I can understand your view. I have my moments when I wonder "if I don't want to do X that the mean I am not submissive, or if I need to say, that I am not sure about something, that it mean I am not submissive". I have been fortunate to be able discuss issues like this with my Doms and to come to a better understanding of myself because of it.

I do hope you try again to get your Dom to understand what you are feeling. It could be that he thinks you do just need encouragement. He may think you are doing a wonderful job, but it does sound like you need to hear that more from him. Maybe he has a certain reason for having you do these tasks, which he may think you understand, and you don't. PLEASE keep trying to get him to understand your feelings, and then at least you know you have tried your best. As I have been told many times, there are certainly a lot of new feelings you will feel while being submissive and the key is to feel them all and THEN COMMUNICATE them to your Dom.


Good luck and please feel free to PM me anytime, or at least continue to post so you can get some support and guidance.

((( hugs )))

Aussiegirl

[Warbaby1943]

Wlidfire,

Thank you so much for your input into this discussion, and you were NOT whining! In fact, I am sure you are echoing what so many subs have thought at one time or another!

As a relative newcomer to this world, I can understand your view. I have my moments when I wonder "if I don't want to do X that the mean I am not submissive, or if I need to say, that I am not sure about something, that it mean I am not submissive". I have been fortunate to be able discuss issues like this with my Doms and to come to a better understanding of myself because of it.

I do hope you try again to get your Dom to understand what you are feeling. It could be that he thinks you do just need encouragement. He may think you are doing a wonderful job, but it does sound like you need to hear that more from him. Maybe he has a certain reason for having you do these tasks, which he may think you understand, and you don't. PLEASE keep trying to get him to understand your feelings, and then at least you know you have tried your best. As I have been told many times, there are certainly a lot of new feelings you will feel while being submissive and the key is to feel them all and THEN COMMUNICATE them to your Dom.


Good luck and please feel free to PM me anytime, or at least continue to post so you can get some support and guidance.

((( hugs )))

Aussiegirl

OMG baby do we think alike! I told her all the same things in a PM including to contact you in a PM if she wanted to. I told her you were the greatest and you just proved it again. BIG BIG KISS

[Rhabbi]

My perspective.

there are a variety of things that go into making this happen. As these posts all bring out, there is a lot of confusion in this life, and even in real life.

I have been reading this thread almost from the beginning, and keep wondering if what I have to say will kake any difference in the long run. I know that personally, I just hate what is happening so much at times that i sanp out at those who are close to me. i would think this would be magnified for a sub, which is why I always strive to make things as easy as possible for them by learning as much about them as possible.

In spite of this, I occasionally miss the signs that she gives, and I walk into something. i then have to deal with that, with her not being happy about what happened, and the fact that I am the one that blew it. If I had been paying attention, I could have given her the release that she needed, rather than force her to show me what she needed.

So, concious or unconcious. Both and neither, and sometimes one or the other. Depends, as has been said, on the situation, the sub, and the Dom/me.