cadence,

I didn't find your story too long or choppy at all! I have felt so much of what you have - for me, a lot of it was fear that I just didn't love this guy enough, even though we stayed together year after year, had a family, went through so much together and I couldn't imagine my life without him - for a long time I wasn't sure I wanted life with him forever either.

The only real problem I ever had within the relationship was sex. I found it boring,and assumed I had hang-ups I just could not understand. I worked hard at trying to enjoy what I had but always wanted more.
Maybe because of my upbringing, sex was a taboo subject and was never discussed. My boyfriend and I rarely discussed it either. And when we did, it was very brief and I would do my best to skirt the issues. I never initiated sex, and he would at times be frustrated with that.
This really hit home with me - I was perfectly happy"?" with once a month or so, he wasn't. For a long time I just wasn't really "present" when we had sex, you know? Any discussion was usually initiated by him, really more complaining about the lack of sex rather than a discussion. Of course, I would try for a while and then give up. Just like you said, it was boring and I didn't feel love from him, rather it just felt like need (the "clingy, you're my wife by God and I'm not getting it anywhere else" kind of need). Truthfully, I became more loving and accepting of his love when I stopped drinking and started taking a really hard look at myself. After a few (pretty good) years, I guess I was finally mentally and emotionally ready to accept my very hidden submissiveness.

The hardest part for me is talking with him about it. Is he going to think I'm crazy, an idiot, wonder who I am and where did I stash his wife's body? I talked about it over the phone the first time (felt safer) and got a good response from him when he returned home, but then the subject just seemed to *poof*. I waited almost 6 months to bring it up again.

How does he feel? I just don't know. I'm not getting an overwhelmingly enthusiastic response, but there is some willingness to try. If he decides this isn't for him, I won't leave him. I love him, no matter what. I'll just have a really hot fantasy life, and do what I can within our life to satisfy my need to feel submissive.

Online relationships aren't for me either - it would just feel like a betrayal - plus I'm just more of a real-life girl. I'll stop by to see friends rather than call, go to a coworker's office rather than email, I just prefer to deal with people face-to-face when possible.

The support here has been super-helpful to me. Just reading the posts - funny, exciting, sad, sexy - reminds me that I'm not some sort of freak. Right now, I'm hoping te meet some other submissive women in real-life, so I'm going to a "munch" next week. I'm pretty nervous about it, but this feels right to do, so I'm going to do it.

cadence, I hope you find a way to get at least a little bit of what you need from your boyfriend. Continue to be loving and supportive of his minor efforts, who knows, maybe he'll do a little more. One thing I have done lately is let my husband know right after sex what he does that I particularly like - for example, holding my head/hair tightly when I go down on him. This seems to be encouraging him to go a little bit farther each time. I know he wants me to be happy - he always has - so I still have hope.

Whew! Talk about rattling on! I suspect that's enough from me for now!

Have a wonderful day...