Long term relationship then realizing you are submissive

[jeanne]

cadence,

I didn't find your story too long or choppy at all! I have felt so much of what you have - for me, a lot of it was fear that I just didn't love this guy enough, even though we stayed together year after year, had a family, went through so much together and I couldn't imagine my life without him - for a long time I wasn't sure I wanted life with him forever either.

The only real problem I ever had within the relationship was sex. I found it boring,and assumed I had hang-ups I just could not understand. I worked hard at trying to enjoy what I had but always wanted more.
Maybe because of my upbringing, sex was a taboo subject and was never discussed. My boyfriend and I rarely discussed it either. And when we did, it was very brief and I would do my best to skirt the issues. I never initiated sex, and he would at times be frustrated with that.

This really hit home with me - I was perfectly happy"?" with once a month or so, he wasn't. For a long time I just wasn't really "present" when we had sex, you know? Any discussion was usually initiated by him, really more complaining about the lack of sex rather than a discussion. Of course, I would try for a while and then give up. Just like you said, it was boring and I didn't feel love from him, rather it just felt like need (the "clingy, you're my wife by God and I'm not getting it anywhere else" kind of need). Truthfully, I became more loving and accepting of his love when I stopped drinking and started taking a really hard look at myself. After a few (pretty good) years, I guess I was finally mentally and emotionally ready to accept my very hidden submissiveness.

The hardest part for me is talking with him about it. Is he going to think I'm crazy, an idiot, wonder who I am and where did I stash his wife's body? I talked about it over the phone the first time (felt safer) and got a good response from him when he returned home, but then the subject just seemed to *poof*. I waited almost 6 months to bring it up again.

How does he feel? I just don't know. I'm not getting an overwhelmingly enthusiastic response, but there is some willingness to try. If he decides this isn't for him, I won't leave him. I love him, no matter what. I'll just have a really hot fantasy life, and do what I can within our life to satisfy my need to feel submissive.

Online relationships aren't for me either - it would just feel like a betrayal - plus I'm just more of a real-life girl. I'll stop by to see friends rather than call, go to a coworker's office rather than email, I just prefer to deal with people face-to-face when possible.

The support here has been super-helpful to me. Just reading the posts - funny, exciting, sad, sexy - reminds me that I'm not some sort of freak. Right now, I'm hoping te meet some other submissive women in real-life, so I'm going to a "munch" next week. I'm pretty nervous about it, but this feels right to do, so I'm going to do it.

cadence, I hope you find a way to get at least a little bit of what you need from your boyfriend. Continue to be loving and supportive of his minor efforts, who knows, maybe he'll do a little more. One thing I have done lately is let my husband know right after sex what he does that I particularly like - for example, holding my head/hair tightly when I go down on him. This seems to be encouraging him to go a little bit farther each time. I know he wants me to be happy - he always has - so I still have hope.

Whew! Talk about rattling on! I suspect that's enough from me for now!

Have a wonderful day...

[jeanne]

I thought a little update would be appropriate...

He's brought me roses twice in the last 2 weeks, for a grand total of 3 times in 22 years - I must be doing something right! (and yes, he demands and gets very enthusiastic gratitude from me!)

[isabeau6]

i've been married for a long long time..and discovered i was a submissive two years ago..how does my husband view this? he scoffs at it..makes fun of it..makes fun of me..and of course calls the whole thing perverted, sick, disgusting, illegal..need i continue? not to get into too personal info, since i'm rather known for being far too open (see other forums i belong to) let's just say i get my sexual satisfaction from my imagination and online things..would i leave my husband over this? only and i repeat only if i found that perfect Dom/Master who would love and cherish me and that i would fall in love with also...i'm easily fooled, thought i had found that in my last Master, not the one who has disappeared but the one before that..the one i met in person..i give my heart too freely online and usually get it back in pieces...i should be satisfied with what i have and not yearn for that which i only can dream about now...i so long and crave to serve and obey a deserving Dom, but it won't be my husband...he wouldn't want that and i can in all honesty say i cannot see myself ever serving or kneeling to him...we have known each other far too long to suddenly become that way...

did any of this make sense? i have a submissive heart and soul...i need to serve..without a Master or Dom, i feel an emptiness..

isabeau

[jeanne]

isabeau - it completely makes sense. I know I'm very blessed that my husband is willing to travel this path with me. What would I do if he decided "well, that's enough of that"? I don't know. I guess I would have an even more active fantasy life than I do now. I hope I never have to find out. Truthfully, his willingness to listen to me and try this out surprised me. We've had a couple of hiccups along the way, but are learning how to communicate openly and honestly, so even those have been learning, growing experiences for us. I guess my only concern at this point is that he may not want to go as far with all of this as I might, but we are moving very slowly, which as I understand will help us keep from "freaking ourselves out". In the meantime, I'm learning more and more about what my submissive/masochist leanings mean to my life on a daily basis, and he is growing his "Dom energy" - letting himself enjoy dominance and delivering pain and getting past his social programming. Because, truly, he's just a really nice, laid back guy with an open mind. I love him so much more today than I ever have before.

Keep the faith, isabeau. You know who you are - be smart, giving, open and thoughtful in your search. I wish you all the best and am sending my most ardent wishes and prayers that you find the fulfillment you seek.

[isabeau6]

isabeau - it completely makes sense. I know I'm very blessed that my husband is willing to travel this path with me. What would I do if he decided "well, that's enough of that"? I don't know. I guess I would have an even more active fantasy life than I do now. I hope I never have to find out. Truthfully, his willingness to listen to me and try this out surprised me. We've had a couple of hiccups along the way, but are learning how to communicate openly and honestly, so even those have been learning, growing experiences for us. I guess my only concern at this point is that he may not want to go as far with all of this as I might, but we are moving very slowly, which as I understand will help us keep from "freaking ourselves out". In the meantime, I'm learning more and more about what my submissive/masochist leanings mean to my life on a daily basis, and he is growing his "Dom energy" - letting himself enjoy dominance and delivering pain and getting past his social programming. Because, truly, he's just a really nice, laid back guy with an open mind. I love him so much more today than I ever have before.

Keep the faith, isabeau. You know who you are - be smart, giving, open and thoughtful in your search. I wish you all the best and am sending my most ardent wishes and prayers that you find the fulfillment you seek.

thank you hon...and that is soo sweet...i love my husband..he is like my best friend and companion...but he is very narrow minded..i can't change that about him..he grew up Catholic...believes masturbation is a sin...said i was doomed for doing it..sighs..

i'm truly glad for you..it's not often you can have that in your relationship..and i appreciate the wishes and prayers.. xoxo

isabeau6

[cadence]

I thought that I would bump this thread, with an update, and maybe some others can share thier own stories.
My update is not warm and fuzzy, it's basically filled with frustration more than anything.
When I wrote my first post, I had a little bit of hope; but with no real network of support, it is hard to work things out on your own.
There still is no real communication between us; only the fact that I am allowed to express myself more openly online with others.
Not entirely what I wanted but, I am grateful that I am not being completely suppressed at the moment.

At the time I wrote my first post here, I had started to have more problems crop up with my family, work, and my own never ending internal conflicts.
I ended up withdrawing from things even more so, and moving into a state of just existing to exist again. Never wanting to try and make progress with things or communicate with anyone openly.

So my relationship with my boyfriend never moved forward, and became stagnant even more than before. Without being able to communicate things properly or to be able to express myself and have him understand, I can't see anything viable happening between us.
I have begun to resent him and myself in general, and sometimes I wish he would leave, so I wouldn't have to make choices.

As for online, that is even more frustrating, I didn't want an online relationship, but I did want to find someone who would appreciate my submissive side.
I revisited that a short time ago, but of course, it didn't work out very well. I didn't want to be emotionally attached to a Dominant, but did want to experience being submissive.
I don't even know if what I am trying to obtain is even possible.
I stumbled upon what I wanted and made the effort to try, but this Dominant had other submissives, and I was always left out and not good enough or important enough I suppose to even be owned. That left my self esteem in a bad place.
Although I still talk to this Dominant, I don't think that he understands that what I wanted, is different than what he had offered. I still think though that I was just not good enough.

I sometimes hope that things will change at home, but I don't know if they ever will.
I am an online failure, and can only read and learn things. I don't think that I will ever be good enough to share anything with anyone anyway.

I still hold out a little bit of hope, that maybe things will move forward in a positive direction.
It's very hard to let go of something that is a part of your being, when you discover just how much it can complete you.

[tessa]

I am an online failure, and can only read and learn things. I don't think that I will ever be good enough to share anything with anyone anyway.

You not wishing to explore this in the online way is not failing. It's not my way either, and I refuse to see that as some failing on my part. Because it's not!

You are NOT a failure...at anything! And you are good enough. You just haven't found your mate yet. That's all.

I still hold out a little bit of hope, that maybe things will move forward in a positive direction.
It's very hard to let go of something that is a part of your being, when you discover just how much it can complete you.

Keep hoping! Hold onto that bit of positive. I think you'll find it's impossible to let go of this. Doing so will only cause damage. You can't ignore such an integral part of yourself without losing part of your soul. Just keep hoping. Please try.