Thrall's first assignment

[Clevernick]

...and it's out of the park! That ball is going to have Thrall's name on it. The crowd sighs in unison as their heads follow it past the fence....

That was super hot. The girl can write. Wow. Ok, you asked me to be merciless, so:

Dragon's muse has already fixed up punctuation, but there are some other nits I'd like to pick too.

First paragraph needs some tense-smoothing. It starts in present and ends up in the past. It's not clear if it's the recent past or the distant past, but appears to be distant since you discuss how old you were.

The following suggestions are not necessarily the best way to do it, but they're one way:

There are two major areas in this country for top models, New York and Los Angeles. In Los Angeles if you wanted your portfolio to be the best you went to Michael Rhetman. He was the most in demand, the highest paid and the most exclusive photographer in the country. Models didn’t choose him to take their photos; he chose the models that he was willing to shoot.

[I'd love a new paragraph here.]
I once had a summer job with him.

The story roars along beautifully and realistically after this, never letting me escape until here:

Before I knew it, the studio, (delete comma) was filled with the bustling of models, make-up artists, and hair and clothing stylists.

Michael looked at me, nodded, and gave me a wink.

“Go ahead, Heather, tell them all what you want them to do.”

“Yes, Sir,” I said with trepidation. Turning towards the models, I arranged them how I thought a photo would look good. I moved them around, put them here and there, added fans and lighting.

I escaped because I knew that calling the chaos of models and make-up artists and stylists into a semblance of order, without interrupting important preparation, would be a really intimidating task (for anyone, not just a 16-year-old with no experience), and I was hoping to see how she handled it. Even a sentence or two would help me continue believing it was possible. Without any hint, I just felt like Heather had skipped an important bit. A bit that would also build character and atmosphere, as well as keeping me hooked.

I was going to suggest something, but it's better that you do.

I am also tempted to fiddle with a couple of the longer paragraphs. You tend to make more small errors in these for some reason, and in many cases they can be broken up to better effect anyway. I'll just do one:

I sat down at the makeup table and stared in the mirror. I needed to decide on a look, and based on the outfit I knew that it wasn’t going to be sweet and innocent. I decided on sultry. [P]

I knew the requirements for makeup in a professional photo were much different than in real life. You needed to sculpt the contours of your face. Darker in the hollows, brightness on the high points, lips needed to be penciled and brows defined. (P maybe, not sure)
I used a deep cherry red lipstick, and port wine blush. I created drama with the eyes in smokey browns and grays, all framed (not farmed) in thick black lashes. I decided on hair that was big and full, layers of hair that framed my face and fell over my shoulders and breasts. [P]

I put on the lingerie, and looked in the mirror. I had never felt so sexy before in my life. As a finishing touch I added blush to the contour of my breasts and nipples, and a dusting of body glimmer all over. I could do this, I kept telling myself, and walked into the studio.