*wonders who eats the crickets. Feeding the beast...*

Beswitching - as Dean says, Ruby has done a great job of going through this in detail. I actually got almost all the way through doing a similar detailed pick-apart for your first version, before deciding to make a much more generalised comment and leave you to work on it. I agree totally with Ruby when she says
The ending lends itself to the leading man's demise. Consequently, how can he be telling the story? To whom is he telling it?

I know, I know, this is often done, but I usually feel cheating as a reader and quite frankly, if he's become mad, it would be hard for him to string the story together at all.
. I wasn't going to mention it, because it is often done, it is a perfectly valid story-telling device, but as for Ruby, it has always annoyed me and felt like cheating. If we're looking for realism, then that is just not a possible ending.

In a way, although it would permit that ending, I think it would be a shame to make this third person. I like the first person telling of this tale, his confusion comes through well. But it would give you more freedom.

I wonder if some of the thoughts you've had about how you write would be worth putting into the 'how I put a story together' thread? It is really interesting to read your learning process.

Nectarines scare you? Have you ever had a satsuma?
No no no - bad writing technique on my part, lol. Changed the subject without allowing the reader to know. Nectarines as treats! I have had a satsuma, yes - although a Satsuma has never had me.