Hmmm. I think this might be relevant.

My sweetie, he is the dominant, and he is definatley in charge. He inspires such a deep desire for me to submit, to please him, not to be a worry or a pressure in his life...of course, he wants to be able to please me as well.

Mysc, I feel the same way that you do, so eager, so excited...it is because I really like him, and I was getting butterflies in my stomach everytime we met. Like a silly teenager with a crush. My desire not to be a bother to him makes me not want to burden him with that information. I held my tongue, because I knew that part was largely the chemical reaction.

There are so many things I want him to do...I am patient (I am old) and it is amazing how, by just waiting, he answers many of my questions without me asking...I think the dilemma is that, in a submissive role, I want so much to just please him, I feel it out of line to instruct him in my pleasure.

I found out he loves it when I tell him (in writing) how hot this whole thing is. I tell him what I liked, what I loved, and what I want. He can look at his email at his convenience, he can ponder my thoughts alone and decide what he feels, and he responds well to this. We communicate nicely in person, writing my fantasies, my likes, my wants, etc., is just such a polite, unintrusive way to get my wishes in his ear...it works for us.

Before I discovered this email tactic, I was feeling too submissive with him to be demanding. I like it when he takes control, I like the unexpected (I know, a little scary in this context), I am not demanding with him (unless he asks for a role switch). I find that as long as I have his approval and faith that he wants me to be be happy too, I can be fairly patient and not go too crazy in between our times together.

My body still goes wild and my head still spins with regard to him, we have been seeing each other for six months. The knot in my stomach comes from fear-- fear I will fall to hard for him, the fear he might change his mind, fear that I will prove to be "too much" for him, and any other lingering insecurities from the past that might be ghosting around.

My cure for this is yoga, breathing, relaxing, and going about my business. Talking it to death seems stupid, not giving anyone time to think about things. My reactions (mental, emotional and physical) are ultimately mine to deal with. I like to think I have good control of myself. Where is the value of giving over control to him if it was never mine to begin with?

It sounds like chemistry to me.

Reading your post has helped me see myself a little better, thanks for posting "Am I driving myself crazy?" You are brave.

Beswitchingly