The Joys of a High-Maintenace sub

[seriouslynosn]

I consider myself to be high maintenance. Not because I have to have my own way or I need things or I primp but because I tend to be a little too self centered. And not in a egotistical sense (boyfriend would laugh if he read this), but in the sense that I worry constantly about my actions. This might seem self-conscious, but that's just because I can't seem to explain what the hell I'm trying to say...*takes deep breath*

I try to control everything. EVERYTHING. From the cleanliness of the house to the emotional state of my man. I'm constantly needing him to take that control away from me. I guess that's what I mean.

[Rhabbi]

Oz --

I can see where you're coming from. It actually reminds me of something my grandmother used to say -- that you shouldn't tell children that they're cute, because then they'll learn how to use it to their advantage. If a Dom took too much care to reassure his/her submissive that it's ok to be high maintenance and that it's good to be a challenge, that could easily turn into a frustrating situation where it was impossible to maintain discipline.

I would see that as a definite problem, but a balance between the need to reassure and discipline should be maintained. And the type of sub that actually attracts me tends to look on discipline as part of the maintenance routine.

However, I have seen plenty of women in vanilla relationships forcing themselves to put up with neglect and downright bad behavior from their SOs because they "don't want to be high-maintenance." A lot of women seem to want to be "low-maintenance" so much (because they think it's the only way to be attractive to men) that they ignore their own warning signs and limits. In a vanilla relationship, that can lead to a lot of pain, but in a BDSM relationship it could be even more serious. I don't want to see women coming into this community thinking that it's not ok for them to ask for reassurance, aftercare, or even respect for what they will and won't do, you know? You can say that a good Dom will know when to provide care and attention, but honestly, even the best Dom will sometimes have a moment of distraction or self-absorption* and not notice that his sub is struggling in a way that isn't positive or healthy.

So it seems to me that whether you glorify high- or low-maintenance, the terminology still presents a lot of problems. My opinion, which may or may not be welcome, is that that's because it's an essentially sexist idea -- that women are like cars, which provide certain benefits in return for a level of "maintenance" that is ideally kept as low as possible. In other words, the sex (and presumably cooking, child-raising, etc) are the "ride" and the time you spend talking, cuddling, and bonding are like, say, changing the oil. Having to maintain a relationship is the price you have to pay for regular pussy. Considering the value that people in this lifestyle (and on this forum!) put on their relationships, it's not surprising that using this kind of terminology, even jokingly, would lead to conflict.

Terminology and semantics often leads to misunderstandings. This is something I fully understand, which is why I try to look at everything someone is saying before judging what they mean. Why quibble over semantics if the important thing is the idea?

I consider myself to be high maintenance. Not because I have to have my own way or I need things or I primp but because I tend to be a little too self centered. And not in a egotistical sense (boyfriend would laugh if he read this), but in the sense that I worry constantly about my actions. This might seem self-conscious, but that's just because I can't seem to explain what the hell I'm trying to say...*takes deep breath*

I try to control everything. EVERYTHING. From the cleanliness of the house to the emotional state of my man. I'm constantly needing him to take that control away from me. I guess that's what I mean.

I think this is a good example of high-maintenance in a sub. No way would I encourage this behavior, but simply punishing you every time you slipped into wanting control would be counterproductive in the long run. It is better, IMO, to reassure and cajole the appropriate response, with an appropriate mix of discipline. I find that talking about these things and explaining how disappointed I am that you continue to not trust me to manage them is very effective. This will make your eventual submission more complete and meaningful.

[Uncle_Ed]

Interesting thread. I have been thinking about this question of "High maintenance" subs quite a bit. I don't believe that I am as qualified as some here to make a definition as I seem to find most subs; Doms; men; women and children *high maintenance"-that is, for me, I have to work bloody hard to cherish those who mean something to me. I regularly fail, like today, but it doesn't prevent me from trying.

I suppose it is because I am sensitive to people's feelings and have an inbuilt desire to care. Some folk clearly like more attention than others, but I've learned that the quiet, undemonstrative ones crave that attention too. They are probably the ones who seldom get it-but who need it the most.

Of course, I agree that some people just wallow in the constant fawning of others. They are the shallow ones as are those who cater for them. I won't class them as requiring my maintenance at all-I just ignore them.

Can I add that I am a fluffy pink high-maintenace Dom?

Thought not...

[Rhabbi]

Interesting thread. I have been thinking about this question of "High maintenance" subs quite a bit. I don't believe that I am as qualified as some here to make a definition as I seem to find most subs; Doms; men; women and children *high maintenance"-that is, for me, I have to work bloody hard to cherish those who mean something to me. I regularly fail, like today, but it doesn't prevent me from trying.

I suppose it is because I am sensitive to people's feelings and have an inbuilt desire to care. Some folk clearly like more attention than others, but I've learned that the quiet, undemonstrative ones crave that attention too. They are probably the ones who seldom get it-but who need it the most.

Of course, I agree that some people just wallow in the constant fawning of others. They are the shallow ones as are those who cater for them. I won't class them as requiring my maintenance at all-I just ignore them.

Can I add that I am a fluffy pink high-maintenace Dom?

Thought not...

Excellent point Ed, thank you for the input. the whiny, pouty, needy people are not who this thread is about, it is about the people we care about who we want in our lives.

And, since my subs assure me that I am a fluffy pink high-maintenance Dom, welcome here as well.

[Logic1]

Interesting thread. I have been thinking about this question of "High maintenance" subs quite a bit. I don't believe that I am as qualified as some here to make a definition as I seem to find most subs; Doms; men; women and children *high maintenance"-that is, for me, I have to work bloody hard to cherish those who mean something to me. I regularly fail, like today, but it doesn't prevent me from trying.

I suppose it is because I am sensitive to people's feelings and have an inbuilt desire to care. Some folk clearly like more attention than others, but I've learned that the quiet, undemonstrative ones crave that attention too. They are probably the ones who seldom get it-but who need it the most.

Of course, I agree that some people just wallow in the constant fawning of others. They are the shallow ones as are those who cater for them. I won't class them as requiring my maintenance at all-I just ignore them.

Can I add that I am a fluffy pink high-maintenace Dom?

Thought not...

hmm Ed
are you sure you arent talking about me? Because that sure sounds exactly like me.
pink fluffy high-maintenance Dom? lol yeah why not lol
As long as you stand up for who you are you can be both pink and fluffy in my book.

[Hime]

Terminology and semantics often leads to misunderstandings. This is something I fully understand, which is why I try to look at everything someone is saying before judging what they mean. Why quibble over semantics if the important thing is the idea?

Because the words have sexist connotations that can't be ignored. I don't see anyone here talking about male submissives being high-maintenance, you know?

p.s. when I mentioned the title of this thread to my husband, he said "High-maintenance submissives? You mean, all of you?"

[Rhabbi]

Because the words have sexist connotations that can't be ignored. I don't see anyone here talking about male submissives being high-maintenance, you know?

I have to admit that I do not, and that may be my fault. I spoke from personal experience in starting this thread. I have never had a male sub myself, but I would assume that the same type of dynamic applies in the adjustment phase. this, by my definition, would make them high-maintenance.

Also, as no less than three Doms, including myself, have weighed in and called themselves high-maintenance, I think that we are covering the sexist angle.

p.s. when I mentioned the title of this thread to my husband, he said "High-maintenance submissives? You mean, all of you?"

Exactly the point I wanted to make with this thread.