Razor's First Level Three Assignment

[Razor7826]

Thank you for all the comments.

I think the main problem underlying it all is that I have difficulty knowing how much physical description to give, and more importantly, when. I tried to mete out information as I went through the scene without resorting to large blocks of exposition. Also at issue was the fact that near everything about John's appearance are things that Erica long ago started ignoring; they've been married eight years, so she won't think about all of his physical features constantly.

I still agree that the story needs more physical description, though I don't know if I can save the basic structure, or do a full rewrite. Can I post further assignments before posting an updated version of this?

Oh, and he was supposed to be naked when he was fucking her; further changes will reflect that. His 'redressing himself loosely' near the end is him putting his fancy clothes back on, not bothering to zip his pants or button his shirt, as he leaves to take care of other matters inside their house.

[Ruby]

Thank you for all the comments.

I think the main problem underlying it all is that I have difficulty knowing how much physical description to give, and more importantly, when. I tried to mete out information as I went through the scene without resorting to large blocks of exposition.

Yes, that is always a balancing act and you did very well. And why it's often important to think of who the story teller is speaking? A girlfriend? A police officer? Her pyschiatrist?

Also at issue was the fact that near everything about John's appearance are things that Erica long ago started ignoring; they've been married eight years, so she won't think about all of his physical features constantly.

Hmmm, I've been married twenty years and can tell you I still look at my man. She won't think about those features constantly, but she might remember them while she's thinking of other things, or comment how much she likes something. For example, my guy's mischevious smile is very disarming and when he looks at me with his little boy grin, he's probably going to get his way.

I still agree that the story needs more physical description, though I don't know if I can save the basic structure, or do a full rewrite. Can I post further assignments before posting an updated version of this?

Yes, you may. Put this one on hold for awhile, think about the comments and then tackle it again later.

Oh, and he was supposed to be naked when he was fucking her; further changes will reflect that. His 'redressing himself loosely' near the end is him putting his fancy clothes back on, not bothering to zip his pants or button his shirt, as he leaves to take care of other matters inside their house.

Ahhhhh! Nice.

Keep up the great work.

[tessa]

The re-write made all the difference with the readability of the story. A great read!

tessa