Quote Originally Posted by sassykitten View Post
Are there others who seem to have this inner conflict? How do you reconcile the two vastly different sides of yourself? Is it possible to retain that side of yourself, and still be completely His (when you find your Dom)?

Another question. I am currently in a relationship that is developing, we have not yet been intimate beyond what can be accomplished over the internet. He seems willing to test the waters of this with me, but I have concerns. I'm worried that, because He is not Dom by nature that He will never truly be able to fulfill that role the way I so need him to.
I had a great deal of inner conflict when I began exploring this lifestyle. On the one hand, I craved more than anything to find someone who would take control, but on the other hand, I was terrified to let anyone take control. I have reconciled the 2 vastly different sides of myself because one of them is merely a facade for the benefit of the outside world. The other side is my true self which the world has tried to destroy over and over and over. I had been "pretending" to be a bitch, i.e. strong, independent woman, for years because if you're not, people will run all over you. I learned early in life that people will use you and abuse you if you let them, and there's not very many people you can trust or depend on to help you. I have no problem anymore standing up for myself or others when I feel a serious wrong has been committed. I've become comfortable being a bitch because it's safe. However, I'm not really comfortable being in charge of others. It's not me. It's not what I want, but people perceive me a certain way and then put me in a position to make decisions. If I feel you can't make good decisions or just won't make a decision, then I have no choice but to take control. Even though it might be empowering, I hate it! I'm really a subbie at heart, but I keep it hidden. I've been slowly revealing it to my dom because he's passed all the "testing." My testing him comes from my inability to trust that he has my best interest at heart. I don't need to test him anymore. I'm satified that he's the real deal. So, yes, I can be completely his, but the rest of the world can kiss my ass! They don't have my best interest at heart.

As far as this budding relationship with a vanilla goes, I wouldn't recommend it. Why waste your time and his? Guys will say anything to get with you, but if he's not really dominant, then you'll only end up frustrated and unhappy. Sure, he may want to "try" it....how many times have I heard that? Hm...2-3 times last year...but their hearts weren't in it. Don't settle for anything less than what you want and need in a partner!