With apologies to Eli Wallich, but I could not resist. Speaking as one who started out in the BDSM as a reviewer, and graduated into being a scribbler in self defense, I think I'm well qualified to speak on this subject. I've written over 500 reviews and have 33 stories listed on this site. After more than 3 years giving and taking all sorts of comments, some good, some bad, some purporting to be reviews, others just the ravings of someone who belongs in a home with rubber rooms, I've concluded that reviews are sort of like a vestigial organ, they contribute very little. What I'm trying to politely say is that reviews aren't worth the powder to blow them to hell!

Reviewers fall into various classes. Some are friends and fans of the writer.
Have you ever wondered how a story that should take one at least half a day to read can have five glowing and very similar reviews within one or two hours of its posting? Others are what I call quick hitters; their reviews are terse and communicate little about why they either love or hate the story. The next class is my favorite,the ones with an axe to grind and guess who they want to decapitate? Most reviewers seem to be content driven, and will sacrifice editing, grammar, lack of plot, cookie cutter characters and the like as long as they get their buzz satisfied. Some are honest about it,but most aren't.

After a time, when I reviewed a story I tried to be constructive, once I figured out that most authors ignored whatever I said and continued on their merry way regardless. It did not take long to discover that most authors were only interested in hearing praise, and woe to anyone who dared suggest that anything they wrote was less than perfection personified.

What finally got me into scribbling was the shibboleth that most of the hacks, not writers, would hurl at me. Since I was not one of those exalted class of beings known as a WRITER, how dare I have the nerve to criticize their deathless prose? Then to make it even more entertaining I started reviewing under my new author name. It took some time for me to realize that in most cases my reviews were still ignored by a large segment of the printers, hacks, finger painters, scribblers and writers.

As a scribbler I make it a point to always respond to any review that I receive. That is just good manners! I note that most of my peers and betters evidently choose not to acknowledge any comments from those deemed unworthy.

About six months ago I took a hard look at all the reviews my stuff had received and then compared it to the number of hits each story received. The results were rather astonishing. There was little correlation between the two! In fact, what really counts is the hits!

So to those authors in waiting who expect someone to drop whatever they are doing and write a detailed review of your first offering, don't hold your breath! I tried emphasizing first story reviews for a few months and found the new authors just as impolite as the established hacks.

All is not lost if you are a budding author. Here are some simple rules to increase your readership without too much exertion. As Parker once put it so bluntly. "Write what you want to write!" Have those words tattooed across your forehead, perverted of course, so every time you look at yourself in the mirror you can be reminded. Learn to write simple declarative sentences. Learn to walk, you can do your running once you get the hang of staying on your feet. Make damn sure that your story is free of typos, misspellings, poor grammar and the like. If need be, go to the library and take out a book on the subject of grammar so you will at least know what the average educated reader is looking for when he or she tries to wade through your epic. Try your best to have something novel or unique in your story. This way you may be able to separate yourself from the hordes of scribes, which is what I call those who merely copy someone else's plot, characters and the like. Don't submit chapter 1 of your story unless you already have a first draft of chapter 2! This site is littered with many very good first chapters that never amounted to a hill of beans because their vision had no depth.

I hope those of you who are just getting started in this exciting avocation will take what I said to heart. Pay attention to how many people are at least taking a look at your stuff, and act accordingly. Realize that we have a very strange readership in that the great majority are lurkers. A lurker is someone who reads and then goes on his or her merry way, leaving no trace. My educated guess is that over eighty percent of the site's readership are lurkers. They are akin to the dark matter that many scientists posit must exist to make the universe behave in the manner that it does.