Lost touch...with myself

[Polaris]

Firstly, thanks to all of you for your thoughts and ideas...it is much appreciated, and it helped me a great deal to see that apparently I'm not the only one feeling that way occasionally. You all rock, but of course you already knew that

delia -- once more thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree whole-heartedly that there is always an ebb and flow, and I am mostly a patient person. I don't mind if at times things are more vanilla than others. What gets me is the, hmm, imbalance of everything. It doesn't work for me to be the one making all the decisions and managing everything in our daily life and then flick a switch and let him decide when he feels like it...I don't really know how to put it, that doesn't sound quite right. Anyway, I will take your advice and just take it one step at a time and hopefully find my way back into the "right" mindset again.

Tasks are a whole different problem. Actually it's two problems. The first problem is that he did not find the time (or nerve) to task me with anything (not even a tiny little thing) for...well, a while. Weeks, at the very least. It's okay if he doesn't feel like it, I realise he's human too...and not always motivated to cover for my pesky little subbie needs. It doesn't feel nice, and I miss the, well, attention...but I can wait for better times without freaking out too much. Now the second problem is that all of a sudden he switches from "I want to rest my head on your shoulder, cuddle me" mode to "dom" mode...and I get flooded with a whole list of tasks which I have no idea when or how to do. My time is also very limited, I don't see how to squeeze in like two hours a day doing this or that. Additionally, if I may let the spoiled brat out for a moment, doing his laundry is not the epitome of sexual satisfaction for me. Shouldn't this whole thing be a two-way street? I want to please him and I'm prepared to go great lengths for that, but every now and then...well, I have a need or two as well.

I think I would love a task like you suggested though, Sir_Russel Unfortunately there's half a metre snow here...a bit too cold for skirts and no panties I shall suggest it to him -- I'm positive he'll love the idea so much that I'll one day curse myself for mentioning it.

just_annie -- I just have to quote you

What I needed, when I reached that point one time before was some honest communication and direction. My saying I was "lost" was because I was. I wasn't sure what my submission meant to him, how to keep my submission going and honestly felt like i was being provided with zero direction. I was not feeling secure in my submission and therefore couldn't "just submit." I felt that no ones needs were being met, etc. Most important though I needed to feel it "mentally." Which may or may not be something the Dominate could help with. Honestly, nothing was more frustrating to me during that time then being told to "just submit"... I would always ask the same question... "submit to what?"

This sums it up so perfectly. If I could "just submit" I'd be doing it. And there is a big difference between submitting and simply doing as you are told, hoping that it might work out at some point *sighs*

Echoes...thank you for your kind words also. I have talked to him using pretty the much the same words (in German, anyway, that being my mother-tongue) and I have sent what I wrote here to him. He does not seem to understand what I mean, though. Saying the same thing over and over again made me "armageddon subbie" (which *I* don't find funny)...he thinks I'm trying to tell him what he has to do (and what he must not do), which is not at all my intention. I'm just trying to be open about my feelings, and my needs, and trying to communicate them in a decent way. I don't really get through, though...although he does say that everything is going to be alright again (but WHEN? goddamnit *pouts*)

I think I may try the meditation thing after all. If it doesn't help it won't harm either...and it's always better to try something rather than just getting all depressed and waiting pointlessly for better times.

[Polaris]

I thought it was getting better, but it isn't. We haven't seen each other for a while due to the holidays, and at first it appeared like this short break would actually do some good. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, blablabla. Well, we managed to get on track somehow -- just to stumble into the next trap, as it seems.

This whole situation is really eating away at me. I tried to be "inspirational" in so many ways (all the nasty little woman tricks -- and NO success whatsoever! Goddamnit, have I grown that ugly overnight so that he doesn't even want to touch me anymore?)...without any success. Well, unless you count "you are putting me under so much pressure when you are wearing nothing but high heels and jumping around in front of me" as a success. He complained that I was being too pushy, too demanding, too nagging, too...whatever. I didn't mean to press anything. I just thought it might...well, start something. Anything.

So, yesterday we run into one of those wonderful situations again. I have twisted my ankle two days ago, it's black and blue and swollen, and it hurts quite a bit. First mistake was to say "ouch" when he forgot about that and tried to wrap some rope around it. No big deal, really -- things like that can happen. It's hard to understand, though, how that again makes me armageddon subbie. I didn't get injured on purpose, and I didn't complain at all -- I was as compliant and as docile as anybody could wish for. Honestly. Second mistake was to say that I was sorry, but wasn't able to get up all tied up. I tried several times, failed, I simply didn't have the balance or power to do it. This I articulated. Politely. He was like "why don't you do what I'm telling you?" "Because I can't do it." "Why can't you do it?" I explained. "Why can't you do it?" I explained again. "Why can't you just do it, goddamnit?" I got angry, and explained again. I began to feel really uneasy...we were arguing, I was blindfolded and tied up and couldn't move a millimetre (which was the whole problem). I got bitchy, I admit it. Said something between the lines of "If you told me to hover half a metre above the bed I couldn't do it either, I don't have wings, you know?" It's not that I'm trying to sabotage him in any way. But if I can't do something, I can't do it. If it's physically impossible for me to do it, it's impossible for me to do it. If I can't move, I can't move...no matter how much he wants me to. It. Simply. Does. Not. Work. The whole situation was so damn frustrating -- and escalating. Maybe I'm missing an important cue here, maybe I'm just to caught up in my own ways...but I really didn't know what he wanted, or what to do. As said, I can't do what I am not able to do...and repeating "Do what I say" won't change the fact that it's, well, simply impossible to oblige. I really don't like to be in such an emotionally taxing situation when I can't see and move, so I asked him to untie me. He didn't, which was fine, but which also forced me to use my safeword. I would never use it just for the sake of being more comfortable, but I simply couldn't bear this situation any longer.

So, long story cut short: It is pushy to be unable to hover half a metre above your bed and look good doing it. It is very, very bad to articulate politely that you can't do xyz. And with can't I don't mean "find a stupid excuse because you can't be bothered". The whole attempt of having a sex life ended in a big, ugly shouting match -- and both of us shattered enough to consider having a vanilla relationship. Even vanillas have more sex than we do, though. I could so jump out of my skin because of that.

I don't understand why it is all my fault. I, for a change, wasn't unrelaxed, edgy, or feeling unwell at the start of it all. I did not complain, I did not push, I did not attempt to top from the bottom. Now I've apparently become a stone who never moves (which is not true), and after all I could do something to start off anything sexual between us for a change as well. How do you fulfill two contradicting wishes? And how are you supposed to follow somebody who only claims to lead? I told him so many times that I cannot follow if he does not lead. I cannot read his mind any more than he can read mine. Every time I try to communicate my feelings regarding this whole misery all I hear is "You have to submit, you have to follow me. No, I AM leading. You just don't follow."

This is starting to gnaw away at the very basics of this relationship. I am losing trust. And I think that's a deadly direction to take. He does not communicate with me. He does not talk to me. He does not touch me, hug me, kiss me. I don't feel valued, appreciated, or even present. I am unhappy and trying to do what I can to make things better again. Yet, nothing will change if I am the only one trying. The fact that the BDSM aspects of our relationship don't work out begins to visibly spill into our daily life as well. This is a problem that needs to be fixed, and it needs to be fixed soon if this whole thing is meant to have a future. Grumble. Men.