Lost touch...with myself

[drusilla]

Ok, i'm going to start off by saying this is probably the most hard to read thread i've come across and what i'm about to say isn't easy for me and probably won't be easy for you. In reading this, i had to stop several times and look at Draco and talk things out with her. In our relationship of nearly five years, i can say i have a deep wound that is only beginning to heal and it comes from much of the problems that you're having. About halfway through the thread, i got afraid to keep reading as i didn't want to rip that wound open and put my own head in an ugly place, but you deserve to hear what i have to say on this. Please bear with me and Draco, if you come back to read this, please don't be upset with me for what i'm about to say here, i love you and you know of the problems we've had as much as i do.

The first year of our relationship was wonderful, i guess you could say we were 'honeymooning' or whatever. The sex was great, everything was great. Somewhere after that, things got a little hard for us. i first noticed it in our sex life (which was mostly vanilla at the time) and how it was becoming less and less. When i tried talking to Draco about it, she told me it was in my head and that nothing was wrong. By this time we were living together and not just seeing each other on weekends or for a few days at a time. Initially, i was willing to believe that i just needed to adapt to the change in our relationship now that we were living together, and maybe it was in my head. For the time being, i let it go. Things deteriorated further and further over the next months or so. It would get to the point that we wouldn't have sex but maybe once or twice a month and BDSM only ever came into our relationship if i initiated it (which would involve Draco coming home to find me cuffed and naked to the bed with an accoutrement of toys laid about me). When we did have sex, it would be after an argument. She told me many of the same things that your Dom has told you, too demanding, too pushy, too much nagging, etc... At one point i was told that my libido was just too high and that the problem was with me, not her. During this period, i spent much of my time feeling the way you described, that i had just turned ugly overnight and wasn't attractive to her anymore. To be honest, i suffer from a reproductive disorder that strongly affects my metabolics, i had gained a fair amount of weight. During this time, i was also put on a medication for my bipolar disorder that caused me to gain a lot of weight very fast (approx 50lbs in 6 months before i told my doctor to put me on something else before my weight killed me). It was easy for me to believe that with the weight gain, that i just wasn't attractive anymore (i often times felt like a woman who's partner suffers from erectile dysfunction). It didn't matter that she told me this wasn't the case, she wouldn't be intimate with me. We also went through a lot of the 'cuddle me cuddle me' problem. At one point i told her flat out, "I want to be your lover and your friend, not your fucking teddy bear." i don't mind cuddling, it can be nice, but Draco didn't understand that after weeks of being that close to her, that i'd want to be closer, and intimate. Many months were spent in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship and i often considered the possibility that even though i loved her dearly, that we may not be able to be in a romantic relationship. i started coming here the end of July of 2007, spent most of my time in the chat room and knew even at that point that what i wanted was a sexual relationship that was much much more BDSM then vanilla (and had slowly been integrating that into the small amount of sex we had been having for several months before coming here). One night, i'd had enough, i was frustrated, emotionally, sexually, mentally. She was half asleep and i was sitting here at the computer and i went in our bedroom, woke her up and said 'We're talking this out, NOW'. i explained everything to her, how i was feeling, what i needed and wanted. We decided together that we would eliminate nearly all vanilla sex from our relationship (funny thing is the other night we were talking and neither of us could remember the last time we'd even had vanilla sex...but i digress). We chose goals that we both wanted to meet. Our first was something simple that didn't require a terrible amount of effort. Draco enjoys anal sex, it wasn't my favorite thing, but one that i could be put in the mood for. We tried to make an effort to engage in some type of anal play each night for a week. This was hard on both of us as it was VERY much the opposite of what we were accustomed to. We did it though and moved up our goals, we would try and get me to the point where i could take and enjoy a certain size butt plug. That took a whole lot of work and there were stumbling blocks along the way. It wasn't until this past Sunday that i was actually able to do it and we were both so happy. But in these few months, we've learned to communicate with each other in ways that we never could or would throughout our relationship. We both found that once you could admit your dark fantasies that other, normal, day-to-day things were easier.

So now that i've probably bored you all to tears (if you're even still reading), i'll offer suggestions. You've already tried to talk to him, that obviously didn't work. Try talking to him in a different way, try something like what Draco and i did when we first adapted BDSM as a serious, major part of our sexual relationship. Find something that's low impact (by this i mean not a long, drawn-out, major scene type of thing) that you are both willing to do. Maybe it's bondage (and i'm saying this based on what i've read of your posts), let him tie you up (or down) on a regular basis, maybe all he does at first is the bondage, it will help put you both in space, i think that you both need to learn what the other expects and slow, baby steps are a good way to do that. Another thing i did for Draco was spent a lot of time researching on the internet things that i thought she would find of interest, stories, tutorials, pictures, anything i thought she would find interesting that i also was interested in. This helped put ideas into her head. For your particular situation, i would suggest finding stories about Dom's who lead the way you're looking for him to. This will not only SHOW him what you're talking about, but it may give him ideas based on his reading for things to do in your own relationship. One thing i also did for her (which i think would be highly HIGHLY beneficial for you and your Dom) is to either find or write your own creed for a Dom. This is difficult from a sub's perspective, i think it took me a couple of days, maybe closer to a week to both find one and then add things to it that met what i personally was looking for in our relationship. Being the non-artist that i am, i put it in a fancy script and put a clip art of a pretty white rose on it and gave it to her. She took it to heart. Some may call this "topping from the bottom", it wasn't, it was my way of saying "This is what I'm looking for in what we're trying to do" and by the same token, we talked, endlessly, about what we wanted from the other, the first few serious scenes we did, we talked about at length before doing. This came mostly from apprehension on both of our parts, and it probably made the scene itself a little less exciting from both of our perspectives, but it helped. She would say "I want to do...." and i'd reply "Ok, but what if we try this with it?" and we added onto each other's ideas and tweaked things until we were both happy with them. Once we stopped needing to do that and were comfortable enough with each other that it wasn't necessary, we said "Ok, now let's set aside a night and dedicate at least part of it to play". i'll admit, unplanned sex is definitely more fun, but this again, was an exercise in putting us both in the mindset at the same time. We picked Saturday night and by about 4 in the afternoon, we would both be tense with the desire to have our playtime. It worked very well, it helped us know what each other's verbal and physical cues were. Now we don't really rely on having that night because i can look at her and know if she wants to play, and i can go to her and ask for something i want.
Something that we both found was lacking in our mostly vanilla relationship was variety. We were both bored, after years, there's just not many different things to explore and experiment with in a vanilla relationship (or at least there wasn't for us). Perhaps your Dom is feeling some of this. Maybe you've been doing too much of one thing and need something else to help put you both in the right place again.
On that note, please feel free to PM me at any point in time if you'd like to talk further. If i can help, even a little to keep you from feeling as awful as i did, it'd be well worth it to me. It sounds like the wound that you've got is similar to my own, it's healing now, but it takes time, Draco knows where she made her mistakes and where her role in that wound is and is helping me in making myself whole again.

[Polaris]

Firstly, thanks again for your concerns, opinions and support. I greatly appreciate your view and honesty, and you won't offend or hurt me by telling me your thoughts. I would like to say, though, that all of this is of course coming from my point of view, and thus more than just a little one-sided. We have known each other for a long time by now (it's going to 9 years), and have been playing with each other on and off for years as well. It's something that apparently keeps us together, and we know each other quite well on basically all levels...which is probably a part of the problem, too (expecting the other one to know without actually saying something).

He's not a bad person, and he cares a great deal about me. He is just too damn stubborn at times to listen to me, or to understand what I mean or want. We had a good talk for a change, and if nothing else I can understand his feelings a bit better now (now all I have to do is to get him to understand mine). Apparently he thinks that I put too many rules and regulations on him (in my eyes there are none, real limits aside) and that I managed to become the boss, and am exploiting the fact that he actually cares for me. I don't really know why he feels that way, and I don't think that I did anything to suggest that this is the way I want things to be, but I don't doubt that he really feels that way. That of course would make feeling dommy quite difficult, though.

Anyway, I don't think that I'm the one to blame either -- and it's not in my interest to blame anybody at all anyway. I only want to find solutions, and a sex-life please I told him rather bluntly that the situation as it was was and is emotionally taxing for me, and that I want to work on finding a solution rather than sitting around and hoping that at some point things will get better again. I also said that his behaviour in all this begins to wear down the trust, and that I'm not willing to do things as intimate as those with somebody who I feel I can't really trust, or who I feel doesn't respect and value what I contribute to it. In the end he admitted that he began to take a lot of things for granted, and felt that it was not necessary to be extra-sensitive with me because we've known each other for so long. Apparently I'm not turned on anymore by things that used to turn me on (which is not accurate, I just don't spring into horny-mode instantly because he grabs a rope or spanks me or whatever), and he has no clue how to deal with me anymore. I suppose he is too proud to react to my suggestions, though -- that's why I love your suggestion with the stories, drusilla. Definitely going to try that one

Anyway, if nothing else I think he understood that I have a serious problem there, and that I'm not willing to continue like this forever. We have agreed to start fresh and little all over again, and so to speak "re-explore" each other again. This sounds reasonable to me, but I admit I'm still a bit doubtful that it works out. First thing is to rebuild the trust that got lost on the way, though. So, let's see what happens.

And dearest Draco and dru -- I'm really glad that things worked out for you, even if it's a slow process. Seems like there is still some hope left

Other than that, I am being very careful and prepared to leave this relationship should the need arise. I try not to make the same mistake twice, and I will not let anybody overstep my boundaries ever again. If my well-being -- be it mental, emotional or physical -- is at stake I'll leave, and take whatever steps necessary to protect myself. But as said, he's not a bad guy, just damn stubborn, insensitive and clumsy at times.

[drusilla]

It's funny Polaris, Draco and i talked last night after we both left our respective messages for you and i said to her "you know, we are only getting one side of this". Neither one of us doubt that he's a bad person. Sometimes good people make mistakes, there's nothing wrong with that. i left that very long (very long) post to try and convey that i understood where your head was at and how what is going on in your relationship can be damaging even though neither of you means for it to be. i really hope that my suggestions helped and that the two of you are able to work past this.