Some Basic Safety Tips For Online Relationships

[submissivewife]

"Well yeah, I thought it was your job to do that."

I hope no submissive says it that way. They just might find a crop across their ass.

Seriously, can a submissive be considered trained; ever? What I mean to say is, aren't we to be learning continuously? Trained in oneor more area(s) maybe, but not in another. Really, CAN a sub ever be said to be trained? I find that I put my all into pleasing my Dom only to be told that I am lacking. It is very discouraging.

[Aesop]

I hope no submissive says it that way. They just might find a crop across their ass.

Seriously, can a submissive be considered trained; ever? What I mean to say is, aren't we to be learning continuously? Trained in oneor more area(s) maybe, but not in another. Really, CAN a sub ever be said to be trained? I find that I put my all into pleasing my Dom only to be told that I am lacking. It is very discouraging.

Fully trained? I doubt it. But who wants that anyway? I'd hate to think of my submissive as fully trained because that means I haven't come up with anything new. As for you being told you're lacking - What is the dom doing to help you along? I mean if I tell my submissive she's lacking in something, the next thing I tell her is how I want it corrected and give her motivations for doing so. Telling her she's lacking without providing a way for her to improve is just going to cut her self-esteem for no reason.

[Nikita]

What I mean to say is, aren't we to be learning continuously? Trained in one or more area(s) maybe, but not in another. Really, CAN a sub ever be said to be trained? I find that I put my all into pleasing my Dom only to be told that I am lacking. It is very discouraging.

Kelly, a sub can be trained to do things for her Dom as long as they fall within your boundaries. That means, they must respect and accept there are things that are clearly red flag for you.

If I remember correctly, one of your past tops pushed you further than you wanted to go. It upset you, as it should. You figured out that he was not a good Dom.

Similarly, a dom who is rarely acknowledges your sincere attempts to please him, and doesn't show you how, should be kicked to the curb. I consider that emotional abuse.

I totally agree with Aesop here:

If your contact is telling you that you're doing BDSM or d/s wrong then seriously question him about it. There is no right way to do any of this. It's for your pleasure and fun, not some class to be passed. Many of these trolls will try to undermine your self-esteem by telling you that you don't know anything or that you're untrained in BDSM. And they'll usually say that just before or after telling you to do something you don't wanna do. You may not know anything and you may never have been trained before, but remember this: You cannot be universally trained for BDSM. Yes there are similarities in d/s relationships, but no two dominants are the same so no two training "programs" -for lack of a better word - are the same. My wife responds to my facial expression with accuracy at this point, but if she went to another dominant she would have to learn his mannerisms and his likes before she could be considered "trained". So if your guy is telling you that you aren't trained tell him, "Well yeah, I thought it was your job to do that."

Part of the fun or high a dom gets is in training the sub to do what they want for the dom's pleasure. In doing so, they take the sub to a place in their submissiveness they've never been before. Think about that.

As always, my thoughts are for you.

[submissivewife]

Kelly, a sub can be trained to do things for her Dom as long as they fall within your boundaries. That means, they must respect and accept there are things that are clearly red flag for you.

If I remember correctly, one of your past tops pushed you further than you wanted to go. It upset you, as it should. You figured out that he was not a good Dom.

Similarly, a dom who is rarely acknowledges your sincere attempts to please him, and doesn't show you how, should be kicked to the curb. I consider that emotional abuse.

I totally agree with Aesop here:

Part of the fun or high a dom gets is in training the sub to do what they want for the dom's pleasure. In doing so, they take the sub to a place in their submissiveness they've never been before. Think about that.

As always, my thoughts are for you.

Thanks Nikki, you are right! So far everyone is right. BUT once you get attached to a Dom how do break the bond? I have grown to love him and I am torn between what my heart says and what my head says. AND everything everyone has said here has backed up everything my head is telling me. ONLY, how in the hell does one break that kind of bond?

[Ruby]

ONLY, how in the hell does one break that kind of bond?

It's broken by your choosing to break it.
And of course, that's sounds much easier than it is.
Ending any relationship can be very difficult.

Take some steps to help you make your decision.

1. Write of list of things you want changed.
Ask yourself honestly, do you want to continue having a realtionship with this person if those changes aren't made?

If not, then it's time to say goodbye.

If yes, but you still aren't sure...

2. Use a test my grandmother taught me.
Take a break from the relationship.

Ask for 6 weeks, no or minimal contact,
for you to take care of yourself.

This is where an abusive partner usually fails the test.

If they "love you and care about you" they won't throw a trantrum.

Trantrum, foul language, bad mouthing you for this request, etc. is a "fail".

Open discussion, granting your request, telling you that they care about you and understand your needs are a pass.

Now can they really leave you alone or not?
You decide what type if any of contact you want, if any.
If they don't respect your boundaries, then it's a fail.

3. If it's a fail, then why stay with this person?

If they can't respect your boundaries now, then they won't in the future.

If after your set amount of time, you realize you are happier and better off without them, then it's easy to decide it's over.

You tell them, "It's over. I choose not to be your partner any more." There are a zillion ways to break up in a vanilla relationship, and they work for BDSM relationships, too. Be classy, don't burn your bridges and be honest without being hurtful.

When dealing with matters of the heart, we have to ask, are we in love with this person, "bonded with this person", or in love with the idea of being in love/bonded?

Taking a break to take care of you, helps you see the relationship from a distance.

No matter what you decide, the decision and right to choose is yours. BDSM relationship or not.

---

Now, if we are talking about a real life relationship, one where an abusive personality may physically harm you, that is a different discussion all together.

The "safe planning" link at the US National Domestic Hotline, http://www.ndvh.org/help/planning.html, is a must read.

[Nikita]

Thanks Nikki, you are right! So far everyone is right. BUT once you get attached to a Dom how do break the bond? I have grown to love him and I am torn between what my heart says and what my head says. AND everything everyone has said here has backed up everything my head is telling me. ONLY, how in the hell does one break that kind of bond?

Attachment is hard to break, and I know from experience. Some attachments are addictive and intense.

You have to ask your self this, am I mistaking attachment for love or security?

If you truly want to step away, you will find it easier to do than you think.

The litmus test:

Who comes first? You and your kids or him?

What are you getting out of this?

Have you developed an addiction to D/s relationships or truly the man?

Once you decide what's best for Kelly, send a dear john email, and block all communiques. I know you'd never be cruel, but a rejected man can be, so, take necessary steps.

It is not easy to start over, but there are lots of responsible and fulfilling doms out there. Take it slower. You are learning the difference between a good dom and a bad dom. Well, let's just say you have more experience with the latter.

Once you meet a good one, Kelly, you'd be the best little subbie in the world for him.