Quote Originally Posted by Euryleia View Post
I'm not sure that I completely understand what you're asking for--do you want a story or just a vignette with the elements? I'm not even sure that I have the faintest idea how to tighten this up, still hit all the elements, and have a decent story.

How about I file this one and try writing a new tale. I will have to say that short stories are not my forte but I'll give it the old college try.

ER
ps-BTW, the creature revealed her supernatural powers in the next segment--she's pyrokinetic.
OK no need to file and start over, This can work I'm quite sure. I'm not telling you this is the way you should write your story, this is just an exercise, but you may find it useful in pacing a tale.

Here's what I'm asking for.

First take a walk through the story, vignette if you wish, that you've posted here. Fix in your mind a one or two sentence synopsis of the story.

You've spent 4,500 words expressing this, and done a fine job I might add.

Think it over some more and break it down into the important concepts you need to communicate to the reader.

All I'm asking is for you to trim it by 1500 to 2000 words.

Ouch! I know thats gotta hurt, but humor me.

First hint would be to make the action scenes lean and crisp, use a single best adjective instead of two or three. Drop some of that verbal flourish in favor of the kind of directness that would make Vish smile. When you describe a characteristic of someone else use the single best incident to show it rather than two or three incidents this is especially true of secondary characters. Restructure passive sentences into simpler active ones.

I'll put up some specific suggestions tomorrow.

BTW Hot footed Mistress in the next chapter? or could her slave be made into a weapon??? I'm intrigued

yours
Mad Lews