Hi Er, back again,

This isn't easy as I thought doing it to someone else's work, I'm not sure what you hold dear in the tale and what you might find superfluous. You paint very vivid pictures in your exposition but both the dialog and action scenes could be drawn tighter.

I'm trying to force that on you by giving you a word limit, use it as you see fit. sometimes a brilliant bit of allegory or a metaphor that sings needs to be set aside so the story can move along. You can always save them for another time when they are more useful.

So OK what have we got,

Twenty riders in the dark green and maroon uniforms of the K’San charged up the walkway to the Eastern Gate. Any unfortunate merchants and citizens on the road scattered before them like leaves on the breeze.
At the lead of the cavalry squad was a woman on a pale horse. Her constantly shifting eyes were like chips of obsidian. A stylized pair of wings bisecting a naked sword glinted in silver on her black armored chest plate. The well-worn leather holding her weapons bore mute testimony to the ease with which she dealt death.

// very pretty full blown picture but this is an action scene. We want our reader moving along at a cantor. Is it important to describe the uniform colors? well OK if you want but let's condense a bit and see what happens///

Twenty riders in the dark green and maroon uniforms of the K’San charged through the Eastern Gate. Merchants and citizens scattered before them.

Leading them,dark eyes shifting with an instinctive alertness, was a (tall/dark/ handsome/ whatever?) woman on a pale hose. Her black armored chest plate bore a stylized pair of wings bisecting a silver sword.(? bisected by a silver sword?) The well-worn leather holding her weapons bore mute testimony to the ease with which she dealt death. (‘cause Dean liked it  me I could have gone with ‘the well worn leather of her weapon’s hilt bespoke …)

//next we have///


The clattering of hooves rang off the tightly packed buildings and she grinned at the alacrity with which the townspeople got out of their way. Frightening the citizenry was her second favorite activity. Leading the way to the castle’s courtyard, she dismounted in front of the large fountain that dominated that space.

The marble and copper tribute to the last great victory of the previous ruler was not designed for bathing or to water horses but that didn’t stop Vish. Her war steed followed her into the spray and lipped carefully at the water while she stuck her head beneath the water pouring from the left hand of the marble goddess.

///Again an action scene so lets say it with breathless speed///

She grinned watching the townspeople flee, heathen citizens should be frightened of her Angels.They entered the courtyard with a clatter of hooves. She dismounted before the square’s garish fountain.

It was an effigy of marble and copper. A monument, never meant for bathing watering horses. Vish didn't hesitate. Her war steed followed her into the spray and lipped carefully at the water while she stuck her head beneath the water pouring from the left hand of the marble goddess.


///See, short punchy sentences, delivering the idea with brisk efficiency. I may be exaggerating a bit here but I hope you get the idea. move it right along and don't let the reader pause.///

“Commander, the King has come to greet you.”

Vish looked up at her second in command’s words. She followed his gaze to the steep steps of the castle. “See, I told you there was no need to send a herald.”

“He seems to be offended at our unannounced arrival. I believe we have violated their customs.”

“They are heathens and apostate, Cago. Following their customs would open us up to charges of heresy.”

The florid man paled at her words. “I meant no blasphemy.”

“Of course, not.” Vish replied, clapping him on the shoulder. “That’s why you should be grateful that I am the only one who witnessed your weakness.” Grinning to herself at the ease with which she could make those around her nervous, Vish walked over to the waiting members of government.

/// Ok now in a just for instance we'll try and tighten this dialog sequence without losing any flavor///

“Commander, the King has come to greet you.”

Vish looked up, following the gaze of her second in command to the castle steps.

“See, I told you there was no need for a herald.”

“He seems offended by our unannounced arrival. We may have violated their customs.”

“They are heathens and apostate, Cago. Following their customs would be blasphemous.”

The man paled. “I meant no heresy.”

“Of course, not.” Vish replied, clapping him on the shoulder. “That’s why you should be grateful only I heard you stumble.” She grinned at the ease with which she could make him nervous, Vish strode toward the waiting monarch.

I hope this helps explain what I mean, as for the exercise try to knock what you wrote down to two or three thousand words without losing any of the stories meaning or flavor.

Best of Luck
Mad