Euryleia's 3rd Level Three Assignment

[Mad Lews]

Okay, here is it again. I shaved off 1750 words.

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Thanks for humoring me, I think for the most part it looks better with the shave. If it were me and I was planning to post it, I'd do a little more work on the opening, first three paragraphs maybe. After that you seemed to get into it.

Dean will no doubt fume over an extra and here or there. You use them in lieu of commas and for joining independent phrases that could easily be two sentences. A quick rule of thumb, if a sentence has two, or goddess forbid, more ands a little red editing flag should pop up. same again for also.

other minor nits, I think you meant a coffle,not cobble of slaves. and the word alacrity while a wonderful word seems out of place in the second paragraph.

Your opening is good, you grab the reader by the senses with the visual of galloping calvary troop, the sound of clattering hooves, the sight of hapless civilians scattering before the conquerers.All very good;but this is the hook that pulls the reader in so you want the barb sharp and the curve smooth.

Twenty riders in dark green and maroon uniforms charged up the walkway to the Eastern Gate.OK we're trying to convey the entrance of an occupier into an already defeated city, mayhap charge should be something more nonchalant say gallop or even canter? Leading the cavalry squad was a dark haired woman on a pale horse. Her black armor seemed to absorb the light while the well-worn leather holding her weapons bore mute testimony to the ease with which she dealt death.

Making their way to a gothic castle looming over the city’s center, the clattering of hooves rang off the tightly packed buildings.reverse this start with the sound then the reason. Grinning at the alacrity with which the townspeople scattered from the rushing soldiers,this sentence is doing three things, scattering the hapless civilians, Vish grinning, and then justifying her reaction in her mind. The visual should come first then her reaction and reason which can be combined. Vish relished the terror her Angels inspired.

Dismounting in the castle’s courtyard, Vish kicked the dust of the road from her boots. With a cloth, she brushed her chest plate so that the engraved sword bisected by a pair of silver pair of wings glinted in the setting sun. Neat trick to show off the armor, just drop one of the 'pair ofs' and you've got a thumbs up. I think if you combined all of the above into a single fast paced paragraph you'ld have the reader on the proverbial edge of their seat.

I did read through the rest, it seemed to me the dialog was getting sharper with the edit. Only a couple things stood out. Your writing style uses a lot of long compound sentences. That's a choice you make but be aware of it. sometimes you can be clearer with two simpler sentences. Dean will tear his hair out,what little is left, over the ands,and alsos but I suspect you rather enjoy watching that. I mentioned the coffle thing and just before that 'the flesh trade was held' seemed a tad awkward, since you ended the previous sentence with 'slave auction' maybe a simple 'the sales were held in'. Sometimes a simple understatement has more impact.
When you were exploring the relationship of Cago and Vish, the conversation swings from present to past tense then back again, it may be that he's confused about his present status, Vish seems to imply that he was a slave and is now a servant/slave but that he hasn't changed too much in her eyes. All that may need further exploration later in the story. I'd love to see the entire story when its finished.

Ready for something new or do you want to keep working on this?

Yours
Mad Lews