I have an extremely burdensome fear of "the end of the world", as weird as that sounds. I think it's some sort of anxiety disorder in some form or another. I'm also morbidly depressed 90% of the time, and as close as I got to my ex in my only real long term relationship, I still felt this feeling of isolation and sadness. I have a more or less self defeating personality, usually preferring real abuse, neglect, mistreatment, cheating, etc. over consensual scene stuff. I dislike shrinks and the whole psych industry (I got some PTS being tied up in a nut house), so I'm gonna stay away from getting any sort of diagnosis but I know for a fact that I'm packed with issues. How has it effected me in terms of BDSM?

Well my older relationship started very vanilla. I grew emotionally strained and tired over that fact, so I got the ex to do some BDSM. We agreed to a slave sort of arrangement, with her as my owner. She was never the most natural dominant, I almost always got some sort of BJ. So anyway, she cuffed me and sucked me. I got cold and felt scared as hell. I asked her if she could put her cunt in my face and suck me with her body on top of mine but she said no. After I came, I broke into tears :-/ I had bondage issues from my past and needed to be held, I guess she didn't realize that.

My nervousness and depression hurt because I'm almost always preoccupied with some horrible feelings. I can't stand heat or the summer time (even spring bothers me). Just getting off my ass during the day in the warmer months is a challenge, and my fears reach their peak around here. This makes serving any potential mistress obediently a near impossibility in the summer. With my moodiness and distress, my libido sometimes declines and orders to go outside become intolerable.

My self defeating personality is a really big issue too. I've developed a huge fetish for real cheating, which is never a good thing to have. Real cheating meaning that instead of a typical cuckoldry scene with watching a mistress sleep with another guy (which might be KIND of fun for me but I haven't tried it), I prefer to find out they've been sneaking out and hiding it. I prefer lies and drama and hurt. Also, I can be really weak willed. When my ex became my dominant, I was extremely weak and ineffective and setting solid boundaries.