Disabilities and BDSM

[Gr1m'sGirl]

I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately, and I apologize if it has been brought up before.

Do any of you have disabilities that interfere with your BDSM life? Whether they be physical or mental etc., anything that you feel has an effect on your lifestyle.

Have you discovered ways to get past these disabilities?

I myself am schizophrenic and I have major depression. With the schizophrenia, I sometimes have difficulties trusting anyone. I'm not always certain if my Dom is really doing what is best for me, and for both of us. I have a hard time remembering to do assignments he has left for me unless they've been written down where I'll find them. I have many more issues to get past, but I can't think of all of them at the moment.

Any replies would be greatly appreciated, and I look forward to reading your stories.

Respectfully, Gr1m'sGirl

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I'm glad that you started this thread, Gr1m'sGirl. I have several chronic illnesses that I have to live with that do affect my life with Master. I had two chronic illnesses before I met Him (two more have since developed), so He never knew me when I was completely healthy. He grew up with a mother who is chronically ill, so He knows what it is like and how to care for someone like that.

I also suffer from PTSD from an earlier marriage where I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused, in which my ex tried to murder me in the end. I still have nightmares about him. And I will say stuff to Master about him and Master will gently remind me that He is not my ex. So after being with Master almost 10 years I still have to deal with my past. But because of Him I am a lot better now.

As for my chronic illnesses, one of them (diverticulitis) is under control, so as long as I eat lots of fiber, it doesn't bother me. My IBS can be a major pain. When it acts up it makes me feel so miserable that W/we can't have sex and a lot of times I don't feel like doing much of anything when the symptoms hit. It also prevents U/us from having anal sex, since that would just make things worse for me. So anal sex is a hard limit for me.

I've had fibromylagia for the past 12 years. W/we have since learned how to work around it. During play I will have to shift positions a lot. I can't remain kneeling for long periods. I have to shift positions a lot during blow jobs. If He wants doggy style W/we have to layer pillows underneath me so that I am not directly on my hands and knees.

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in March. This is the illness that has really taken its toll on U/us. I'm exhausted all the time. My energy is gone. My libido is shot. I have to use lubricants, and I have never had to use them before. I have to really push myself to have sex with Master. It's like I don't want to be bothered with it anymore. It's amazing how much your hormone levels affect you. Fortunately, Master knows what the problem is and that it has nothing to with Him or O/our relationship. I have another doctor's appointment at the end of the month. Master is going with me, so W/we'll make sure W/we talk to the doctor about my lack of libido. Probably all that needs to be done is that my thyroid replacement needs to have its dosage changed. All my other illnesses I have learned to live with. I have never been on medication for IBS and I haven't been on any meds for my fibro in seven years. But this hypothyroidism is throwing me for a loop and I need to get it under control.

[icey]

thats terrible! im sorry you had such a s**t time of it sisterhoney,thank god you're out of it!

good thread Gr1m'sGirl,

yes i have a mental health problem, Borderline Personality Disorder which can cause problems at times, luckily its the kind of disorder where if im a bit 'unstable' then considering playing just doesnt come into it at all, at those times the oft used term 'im not in the mood' is very literal in my case lol

i also have other co-morbid disorders alongside it, depression, im not depressed currently although i have had a few bad times and been suicidal but again under those circumstances playing isnt an issue.
i have anorexia, which is pretty much under control although im struggling a little bit right now but im eating and my weights ok ...that can also cause problems because then im not fit pyshically i get tired, weak,dizzy, dehydrated etc.

i have panic attacks although those are under control but that is something to really watch out for, its never happened to me but i would imagine having an attack whilst in bondage could be pretty risky for both Dom/me and sub!
(ive also been told i have ptsd but i dont really feel it applys to me and i have my own opinions about that anyway)

im a 'selfharmer' (again under control right now) which causes problems in two areas firstly there's the aspect that Icehawk doesnt want me to hurt myself, he doesnt want me to have messy scars and such and as my Dom in an ideal world he just wants to be able to not allow me to do it, but we both had to learn thats just not possible no matter how much you care about someone you cant stop them unless it becomes life threatening
then there's also the play side of it, it isnt generally a good idea to 'hurt' someone who's in that frame of mind as someone once wisely posted elsewhere it would be like giving champagne to an alcoholic just because its xmas.

but at certain times it can actually work the other way, if for eg im starting to feel the need and its nipped early in the bud so to speak then playing can be very good for me because it gives me a healthy way of releasing that pressure and a natural 'high'
we both know how and when to judge it and we discuss it in detail and what we will and wont do, for eg cutting, at those times is a no-no and if after discussions Icehawk int 100% happy about it then we wont do it.

there are many dangers regarding any health problems and bdsm but there are also many positive aspects to it too and providing you're rational,responsible,comfortable and are fully aware of what you are doing and why you are doing it and that you're totally honest with your partner if you carefully moniter situations and take into account any meds you may be taking and the side effects then it should be ok, only you can know that and judge for yourself.

i dont know about your disorder obviously but from what i do know of it (i have a friend with the same) im sure like me you're aware of when you're having a 'low' or not, and when it comes right down to it if at the times that you're not 'well' then bdsm isnt the be all and end all ...your health is ....and it can if neccassary be put to one side until you're feeling better.

all this may sound very drastic to people who have no experience with any thing like this and some may even feel that people like me shouldnt be involved in any way with bdsm but all i can say is that i know me and what works and doesnt work for me and im not that stupid that i would put myself at risk in anyway (no more than anyone else involved in bdm is)...Icehawk wouldnt let me and the structure,the rules,discipline and some of the 'rituals' of our life actually helps keep me that bit more balanced.
and through many of the things we've done and discussed ive learnt a lot of things about myself, some good some very bad lol but it's things ive needed to learn.

i hope you find what works for you Gr1m'sGirl

[Gr1m'sGirl]

...Icehawk wouldnt let me and the structure,the rules,discipline and some of the 'rituals' of our life actually helps keep me that bit more balanced.
and through many of the things we've done and discussed ive learnt a lot of things about myself, some good some very bad lol but it's things ive needed to learn.

i hope you find what works for you Gr1m'sGirl

I agree with you completely. When it seems like everything else is falling apart, it always helps to have something solid and stable to fall back on. The rituals are wonderful in this case.

And thank you very much, I hope it all works out too..

[~faerie~]

i am bi polar. Even with the medications i am on i am not always stable. i have manic days( and nights) and days where i am so stuck inside myself with depression that i have a tendency to self harm( to which Master has put a stop to. It is unnacceptable to Him that i hurt myself.My well being is the most important thing. So far so good). It is a definite obstacle because sometimes i say things or act out when i am i my "moods" that normally would get my ass caned. Slowly Master is becoming more aware of when i am in a bad state of mind and He tends to put a halt to all activities and figure out what He can do to help me get in a better frame of mind. Sometimes we will talk for hours. If that doesn't work He usually suggests i call my doctor to get my meds adjusted. It has been a struggle as i have a lot of stress going on in my life that triggered some setbacks.
I also have anxiety disorder and panic attacks. So far i haven't "freaked" when we were playing, but i'm sure it will come up eventually. Master is aware and checks with me very often during play. I have become a bit nervous several times before we have played but not a full blown attack. Usually we talk it out and if He thinks it will harm my mental well being to continue we come to an immediate halt. I am on maintenance medication for that as well
Add to that, that i am claustophobic *sigh* We have been taking this verrry slow. As to the fact that neither one of us wants this to be an issue. I definitely dont want this to ruin our play because i love the idea of being tied up and helpless, but actually doing it is a very different thing. We are taking this in small steps.
i have ulcerative colitis as well, so anal play is pretty much a no-no. However we are learning that we can do mild play very occasionally( and gently)
He has been very wonderful in dealing with all of my problems. Master if you read this, words can't quite express how grateful i am that i found you(or you found me. lol)
I am a much more healthy, balanced, and genuinely happy person since meeting you. And we have such a damn good time too. hugs and kisses.

[lily27]

I am not disabled, but being 7 months pregnant has definitely required us to adapt our play. So we just do what we can do.

First, there is the belly.... which makes positioning more challenging on a daily basis. Also, if I lie flat on my back for too long I can get dizzy.

Breast bondage is out entirely.

My pain responses are completely out of whack... everything is more sensitive. The other day Master gave me what he thought was a playful slap on the ass, and it brought me to tears.

My libido is up and down like mad.

We have done very little impact play lately. Clothes pins are still fun.

My emotions are crazy too.... bursting into tears after an orgasm is not unusual.

But... at least I don't have morning sickness anymore, which had me running to the bathroom all the time earlier in my pregnancy.

So we just adapt... we do what we can do, and are happy to be able to share whatever we can with each other.

When you have a long-term partner, no matter what there are going to be times where one or the other of you are less able to do certain things. You get sick, you get injured, you get pregnant... you get old. If your relationship is just based on BDSM sex, then it becomes a problem... but when you have a deeper connection you grow closer and get through it.

[dynamicbuttler]

I have an extremely burdensome fear of "the end of the world", as weird as that sounds. I think it's some sort of anxiety disorder in some form or another. I'm also morbidly depressed 90% of the time, and as close as I got to my ex in my only real long term relationship, I still felt this feeling of isolation and sadness. I have a more or less self defeating personality, usually preferring real abuse, neglect, mistreatment, cheating, etc. over consensual scene stuff. I dislike shrinks and the whole psych industry (I got some PTS being tied up in a nut house), so I'm gonna stay away from getting any sort of diagnosis but I know for a fact that I'm packed with issues. How has it effected me in terms of BDSM?

Well my older relationship started very vanilla. I grew emotionally strained and tired over that fact, so I got the ex to do some BDSM. We agreed to a slave sort of arrangement, with her as my owner. She was never the most natural dominant, I almost always got some sort of BJ. So anyway, she cuffed me and sucked me. I got cold and felt scared as hell. I asked her if she could put her cunt in my face and suck me with her body on top of mine but she said no. After I came, I broke into tears :-/ I had bondage issues from my past and needed to be held, I guess she didn't realize that.

My nervousness and depression hurt because I'm almost always preoccupied with some horrible feelings. I can't stand heat or the summer time (even spring bothers me). Just getting off my ass during the day in the warmer months is a challenge, and my fears reach their peak around here. This makes serving any potential mistress obediently a near impossibility in the summer. With my moodiness and distress, my libido sometimes declines and orders to go outside become intolerable.

My self defeating personality is a really big issue too. I've developed a huge fetish for real cheating, which is never a good thing to have. Real cheating meaning that instead of a typical cuckoldry scene with watching a mistress sleep with another guy (which might be KIND of fun for me but I haven't tried it), I prefer to find out they've been sneaking out and hiding it. I prefer lies and drama and hurt. Also, I can be really weak willed. When my ex became my dominant, I was extremely weak and ineffective and setting solid boundaries.

[icey]

i dont want to distract from the thread sorry but i would like to add something to this, some BDSM games can be a potential 'trigger' for anyone who's more susceptible (generally those with mental health related problem) if you have any issues from the past,it can be in some ways therapuetic but its also taking a big risk so its always a good idea to think very seriously about certain games/roles you might be considering playing, what may come up and how you and your partner will deal with it if anything should do.

[cadence]

I have an extremely burdensome fear of "the end of the world", as weird as that sounds. I think it's some sort of anxiety disorder in some form or another.

I think I have that too, but more of a fear of dying or some terrible trauma happening. All that started after I had severe anxiety attacks. I am constantly afraid that I will have a heart attack in the car. It that is what you are saying.
I am working on that though. I force myself to confront the fear and don't let it control my day to day life.
I know that doesnt' have to do with anything related to the question, but I can't think of anything that inhibits me.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I agree with the others who have said that having a committed partner is what has helped them through their illnesses/disabilities. I am a very different person today than I was before I met Master. I had been a complete and utter doormat in my first marriage. When I got out of it I was so emotionally numb that I wanted nothing at all to do with men. I didn't see them as the enemy. I just didn't see them at all. I had built a very high wall around myself, my heart and my emotions. Master very gently, yet very persistently began to break down that wall. I really believe that if He had not pursued me W/we would have never met, because I certainly would not have made the first move. Master has really helped me a lot in finding the way back to myself. He has always been there for me whenever I have needed Him. No one else has ever done that for me.

[bellelapine]

icey I completely understand...I have a borderline personality disorder...mine makes me one of the most self hating people I've ever met. I didn't worry about what other people really thought of me, since no one could have despised me as much as I did myself.
I was into self harm though in ways that most didn't imagine. I gained an excessive amount of weight (since lost but damage done), I distanced myself from friends/family, and knives were my friends. I also picked and ripped open any existing wound on my form just to make it worse.
There are times that I become agitated, moody and...well downright odd. I get this buzzing in my brain that won't go away, and sometimes I hear little voices telling me really horrible shit about myself. Even though I know the things they say aren't true, it's an incredible downer. Sir usually wraps me up and finds ways to make me focus or distract me from them when He sees it happening. Lately the little bastards have been having the gall to do it while He's at work, so I get to wait until He gets home to let it all out. I don't know if that's a form of schizophrenia or the personality disorder, but whichever it is...it's bothersome until I write or play.
I also have a terrible fear of choking, so hands around my neck send me into this...self defense fury. My collar isn't an issue, just hands. I'm also...ocd a little about germs...so I go overboard with cleaning myself especially certain times of the month. Sir has to remind me that he likes my smell...otherwise I think I'd be in the shower every five minutes trying to make myself smell like soap.

I'm sure I have more....I just can't think of what they are....I'm a smart ass....but I don't think that's a mental condition as much as it is a bonus to me getting my ass spanked. Hope this gave you some feedback

[nighttimestar]

The reason I ask this i because I want to enter into the lifestyle with honestly and trust. And I do believe it is important the person you are either playing with or are with has the right knows. But my question is how do you tell them, when do you tell ? Should be specific like these are the meds i take and the docs I see? Or is it more like "ya i have a GAD and it is currently being treating."

My assumption on why i have this is 2 reasons, one gentics, and 2 i try to hide from my wants and ignore them so they will go away, but they don't my feelings grow stronger and stronger. And need to expressed, my fear is it becoming exposed to people that know. But I at this point in my like am willing to take that risk.

And when this happens the logic side kicks in and tell me to proceed with caution, trust your gut.

So in my case it difficult to disguish what is what? I can be frustrated at some times are scary because your mind races with erotic fanasties and the then the more morbid thoughts of what could go wrong.

[icey]

The reason I ask this i because I want to enter into the lifestyle with honestly and trust. And I do believe it is important the person you are either playing with or are with has the right knows. But my question is how do you tell them, when do you tell ? Should be specific like these are the meds i take and the docs I see?
.

an email like shygreeneyedgirl said could be a good way of doing it however it might help to prepare him a bit first otherwise he's going to get a bit of a shock.
maybe you could put in a link to a good educational site, one that deals clearly with the facts and keeps things simple, support sites for partners and such can be helpful but can also be very emotional and probably a bit overpowering to begin with.

you should tell him you are on meds,you dont need to go into great detail,he will probably ask you about them and possible side effects anyway.

research different types of bdsm play,know any limits, i dont mean in the usual sense im mean practically anything you think might be a trigger,
be open and explain that there will possibly be times playing would not be possible explain the whys and wherefores.
perhaps suggest that if/when you're 'manic' (if that applys to you) that some ..not too many..set tasks rules etc might help keep you more steady something to concentrate on.
more and more people now are 'accepting' of people with mental health problems but it is frightening for a lot of people,they are not sure how they're supposed to deal with it should anything go wong, what if you (to put it bluntly..no offence, most people say it about themselves lol!) throw a 'divvy fit' on them etc?
im guessing if you're on meds and such its fairly under control, and you're able to spot the warning signs in advance? if so then you could teach you're partner how to spot these, he will soon learn to recognise them.

and importantly even though its difficult encourage him to ask questions, many people are afraid to they are often worried they might upset you or are not sure what to ask, but they need to know and you need to know that they know ..if that makes any sense to you lol

it is hard, and i can really empathise with you,you dont want to tell people you dont know that well something so personal and sensitive but if you leave things too long they wont trust you and there's always the possibility that without all the facts things could go badly wrong, forewarned is forearmed as they say.
dont allow anyone to think that because you're getting treated and are on meds that you will 'get better' because as you know it wont it will always be there.

and if a partner cant deal with it for whatever the reason then that partner is not right for you and its better you know that sooner rather than later.

at the beginning of relationships a lot of 'new' subs find it very hard to be clear about what they want/dont want and sometimes in the beginning find themselves in situations that arnt comfortable or right for them, there torn because they feel that as the sub they should be doing anything and everything they should and dont have the 'right' or 'courage' to speak out which is wrong and any Dom worth his salt will tell you that but you need to communicate clearly if you dont he's not a mindreader and cant second guess everything! i did it and im guessing a large percentage of us have.
in your case as in mine it is doubly impotant that you dont fall into that trap.

there are a lot of pitfalls and it isnt easy but dont give up dont hide from your wants/needs you've acknowledged them and the possible problems which is the hardest part so you're strong enough to act on them

you'll probably be surprised, you're not the only one unfortunately there seems to be quite a few subs out there who have 'issues' and people are much more likely to be accepting and understanding of it than the 'vanillas'
things can and will work and you'll be fine,like anything else in life you just have to take that chance, there's nothing wrong with you, you just have a few extra hurdles to jump thats all.

remember nothings ever quite as bad as it seems, look forwards and not back!

i'll jump off my soap box now!!

[Tojo]

Outstanding post icey!

Good thread Gr1m'sGirl- it doesn't matter if it's been brought up before.

Everyone has some kind of limitation, few of us are contortionists & few of us are free from some kind of sexual repression & who can say we're perfectly balanced in an emotional sense?

If I was still looking to be restrained in any way it'd be hard, I have a limited range of movement in my neck & shoulders. That's easy, I no longer have any interest in subbing!

What burns me up is my wife's disabilities- she's finally gotten to the point where she feels safe enough to be tied up & so forth, but her body isn't healthy enough any more. We just don't do it, her bones are so weak she could break something.

A funny story- years ago when I used to like being tied up, I had the perfect friend who was happy to do it & even tease me a little. Just one problem, she had epilepsy! I was always worried that she'd have a seizure when I was tied to a chair or whatever, leaving me stuck there until she (hopefully) came out of it!

[~faerie~]

In response to nighttimestar..

I actually wrote my Master a letter one night after we had played over the phone.

It was only a few weeks into our relationship and we were still in the process of me learning to be more open. I am an extremely shy person in r/l. I don't like to talk about myself...ever. Things were getting more and more intense and it was weighing on my mind. He could tell that i had something i wanted to discuss. but i just couldn't say it. I was frustrated, he was wondering what the hell was wrong with me, and i didn't have a clue how to say it. I was scared that if i told him it would change things. I had a lot of doubts about my value as a person, i saw my issues as a way that lessened who i was. I was terrified to be rejected. It's hard enough to learn to trust, but then to go beyond that and say btw i'm bipolar with anxiety disorder and panic attacks, etc. do you still want to play?! I finally just poured my heart out in a email, a really long one. I cried the whole time i was writing it, and when i sent it i was sure that he was going to wash his hands of me. He called me later that night, i think it was around 3 or 4 in the morning. We talked for a while. He was more upset over the fact that i thought it made me less, than anything else. He berated me for not just telling him while we had been on the phone earlier that day but commended me on the fact that i did take that step and open up. I was so glad that i did. It was like i could breathe a little easier. He wanted to know all of my signs, symptoms and triggers. He also wanted to know what exactly i was taking and what each one did. We talked about what his expectations were of me to keep on top of it and how he could help. We discussed how to handle small problems and what to do if i freaked out.

I can't stress enough how important it is to have complete trust and honesty. No matter what yout issues mentally or physically are, your partner needs to know. How can your play be safe or sane otherwise?