Emotional attachment and Sex

[Zelezniy]

Well it seems I come here to cry and moan... Anyone got a pare of panties to wipe my face with? :P
It's a interesting unusual trend I've noticed. I guess for a man it's uncommon to associate sex with love. It takes me a while to recover emotionally after a sexual encounter... Anyway to fix that? The only option I see is to swear off sex until I find a partner but I don't think I can do that. I would imagine I'm not alone in this...

[thrall]

hhhmm interesting question.....

this is the way i have always seen it .....It doesn't make it right or wrong.......its just the way it seem to be

for the good deal of the time i believe that women will have sex to GET love
where men will say I LOVE YOU......to get sex........

[Zelezniy]

hhhmm interesting question.....

this is the way i have always seen it .....It doesn't make it right or wrong.......its just the way it seem to be

for the good deal of the time i believe that women will have sex to GET love
where men will say I LOVE YOU......to get sex........

That is indeed a general pattern ... 'Normal' should I say ...

[WyldWyl]

I think that for every sex act the emotionality involved is relative to the two partners. Every sexual act forges some kind of emotional connection, whether one, both or neither of partners are conscious of it. For example, in my younger days I had regular sessions of mutual masturbation with a close friend, not an uncommon occurrence, I'm sure. This forged a new level of closeness to our relationship (though having been practically brothers since the age of five, we were pretty close already) but it's never been consciously acknowledged or verbalized between us- it's just something we shared.

I do fall in love a little bit every time I am involved sexually with someone. I'm lucky that my heart is big enough to share with a great many people, and tough enough to understand that sometimes that person won't be in my life for more than an hour or so. I don't really have any practical advice on attaining the mindset that can handle that- it's just the product of my experiences.

[icey]

ive never experienced sex as emotional in that regard, an expresion of love or caring, or a way of getting close or anything at all, other than physical pleasure pure and simple, and ive never being able to understand how people lump the two together.

to me the two are not related, Icehawks tried explaining his 'version' of it but while i can hear what he's saying try as i might i just cant imagine it.
he used to say that im missing out on something but i dont feel that i am i enjoy sex as much as the next person.

the only 'emotional' side of sex ive ever known is being high,coming down,the fear factor etc

[fetishdj]

The chemcials in the brain linked to 'lust', 'fondness' and 'love' are entirely different, I remember reading. For each of the above, there is a different pattern of hormone and neurotransmitter release. I can't remember the specifics but may look it up again...

Not really an opinion on the topic but more a piece of useful/less trivia which may interest those who do have an opinion on this topic I may have an opinion myself later but at the moment I have nothing

[lily27]

Why do you "need" to change this? Why don't you just take some of the time and energy you are currently using to find casual sex partners, and use it to find someone you have an emotional connection with?

[Euryleia]

Well it seems I come here to cry and moan... Anyone got a pare of panties to wipe my face with? :P
It's a interesting unusual trend I've noticed. I guess for a man it's uncommon to associate sex with love. It takes me a while to recover emotionally after a sexual encounter... Anyway to fix that? The only option I see is to swear off sex until I find a partner but I don't think I can do that. I would imagine I'm not alone in this...

Um, stop having sex with men and start enjoying the pleasures of women? That answer is a bit facetious but there is truth to it. You can't expect men to react like women do, especially emotionally. They just aren't wired that way. Yet another way that women are better, IMHO.

ER
ps. The recruiter is in.

[ObjectivistActivist]

Um, stop having sex with men and start enjoying the pleasures of women? That answer is a bit facetious but there is truth to it. You can't expect men to react like women do, especially emotionally. They just aren't wired that way. Yet another way that women are better, IMHO.

ER
ps. The recruiter is in.

Just as a note, some men actually are capable of refusing to participate in casual sex, or sex without emotional attachment. Some of us actually are capable of growing up. I had a fair bit of casual sex when I was younger, but I found that it was completely unfulfilling and just stopped looking for it. As someone else noted, I spent that energy looking instead for someone I could connect with emotionally before connecting physically.

Making it about men vs women is a bit trite, IMNSHO. There are, I think, just as many women out there looking to "lay and leave" as there are men.

[jeanne]

Making it about men vs women is a bit trite, IMNSHO. There are, I think, just as many women out there looking to "lay and leave" as there are men.

Thanks for pointing that out, OA. It's very true.

[Tojo]

Just as a note, some men actually are capable of refusing to participate in casual sex, or sex without emotional attachment. Some of us actually are capable of growing up. I had a fair bit of casual sex when I was younger, but I found that it was completely unfulfilling and just stopped looking for it. As someone else noted, I spent that energy looking instead for someone I could connect with emotionally before connecting physically.

Making it about men vs women is a bit trite, IMNSHO. There are, I think, just as many women out there looking to "lay and leave" as there are men.

Pretty much what I was trying to say- so much for me being diplomatic before 10AM.

I think I was 21 when I realised that sex without love is about as appealing as Hendrix without his guitar.

Edit: in fact I can't even play with a girl online unless I have an emotional attachment with her, it just seems fake & pointless.

[Isabelle90]

Um, stop having sex with men and start enjoying the pleasures of women? That answer is a bit facetious but there is truth to it. You can't expect men to react like women do, especially emotionally. They just aren't wired that way. Yet another way that women are better, IMHO.

ER
ps. The recruiter is in.

Still trying to get those numbers up for your quota, huh??? LOL

Pretty much what I was trying to say- so much for me being diplomatic before 10AM.

I think I was 21 when I realised that sex without love is about as appealing as Hendrix without his guitar.

Edit: in fact I can't even play with a girl online unless I have an emotional attachment with her, it just seems fake & pointless.

Tojo, you just brought up something I've been denying for a long time! I've been so adamant about "no emotional attachment", but have been unable to play with anyone unless there is a connection. Without that spark it would be difficult to learn likes and dislikes and have an understanding of a partner. In addition, the aftercare would seem insincere to me. However, this is not to say that wedding bells are inevitable!!! Compatibility in one aspect of a person's life does not always translate into compatibility in other areas...

I enjoy the fact that I have a partner I can have a thoughtful conversation with when we're taking a break. So, I'm wondering if this is considered emotional attachment. Emotions and sex are employed, but I have no intention of getting attached.....

This must be a conversation and agreement between two people before any physical relationship takes place, imo. All the more reason to not just "jump in the sack" without knowing a person first!

[fetishdj]

One thing to bear in mind... emotions are strange things and very shy. If you look for something significant with someone chances are you will not find it. Love can appear in the strangest and most unexpected places. I am always a beleiver in strong friendship first and then a sexual relationship if that is what happens. I say relax and stop looking and chances are it will find you, you just have to be open to friendship and have the patience to wait.

[bellelapine]

I think why you feel this way is because many people still see (forgive me but I'm an "old fashioner in this way) sex is the ultimate intimacy that generally comes with feelings of love.
Unfortunately for men and women (sorry women can be heinous users of the opposite sex, so can men) alike it's not always the case. Maybe some of us are still "wired" so to speak in the same manner as our ancestors, others of us believe in the pack mentality. No I'm not talking about an orgy in that case, more like the fact many mammals have one mate for life who helps to lead the pack or at least shares in it.
Casual sex and the emergence of it kind of changed the idea that you give your sex to the one you love if and only if they love you in return. (Yes my mom gave me THAT talk). I don't think you need to change the way you think. Sex with love is...absolutely AMAZING, but you also need to identify if you're actually in love or in lust with the person you're with. Communication is important, but one thing I think we forget is that communication with *YOURSELF* is the most necessary.

[fetishdj]

Love is possibly one of our most potent evolutionary tools as it develops from nest instincts and nesting instincts are what allow young to explore the world without fatal consequences - play fighting, exploring, climbing etc are all things that without parents to look after them are more likely to lead to death from predators or other causes. Humans are possibly the most child rearing centred mammals as we look after our young far longer than they need to be looked after (come on, how many parents on here with adult children still occasionally need to bail them out of financial trouble from time to time? How many of you do it without thinking? There's that instinct right there ). This set up, which ensures education and survival for our children, is made possible through the concept of love. These emotions are there for a reason and it is a reason which has partly ensured our survival as a species - possibly more so than the much vaunted (and over rated) intelligence and opposable thumbs. But there are a lot of sunconscious things which go into deciding who we fall in love with and many of these are not obvious.

On the other hand, our close cousins, the Bonobo Chimpanzees (Chimps, Bonobos and Humans make up the three 'Chimpanzee' species in genetic terms. The concept of 'Homo sapiens' as a superior species to all is an outdated Victorian concept we appear to be stuck with - either we are a 'Pans' species or they are also 'Homo' current opinion is divided) are notoriously promiscious to the extent of having sex as a means of saying hello in some cases. Two extremes - mating for life (as many species, i.e. some gorillas, do and which humans claim to do sometimes) and casual sex as social interaction. I think we fall somewhere in the middle as a species though most of our 'mating for life' instincts could easily be explained as cultural, specifically religious, imperatives (attempts to curb the human nature for promiscuity?) rather than animal instinct. At this point in our species development it is difficult to work out how much is instinct and how much is 'education' from an artificial set of ethics imposed by ancient priests and rulers.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

For me personally I can't have sex with someone whom I don't love. That might be why I have only had one "casual affair" and one one night stand and why I have no desire to play casually with people I don't really know. For me, sex and love are intertwined and always will be. Logically I can see where people don't equate one with the other, but that's not how I'm wired. I don't have sexual desire for men I don't love. Sure, I have fantasies about it, about having wild and crazy sex with complete strangers or being shared with Master's friends. Will I ever do it? No. I can physically have sex with people I don't love, of course, but I don't enjoy it. It makes me feel lost and empty. I need the emotions involved. I need the care, the closeness, the emotional sharing between two people. For me, sex has never be, nor will ever be, only about physical pleasure. For me, sex has always been, and always will be, equated with love. Other people are fully capable of enjoying sex without any emotions involved. I, however, am not one of them.

[Zelezniy]

Why do you "need" to change this? Why don't you just take some of the time and energy you are currently using to find casual sex partners, and use it to find someone you have an emotional connection with?

Easer said then done...

Um, stop having sex with men and start enjoying the pleasures of women? That answer is a bit facetious but there is truth to it. You can't expect men to react like women do, especially emotionally. They just aren't wired that way. Yet another way that women are better, IMHO.

ER
ps. The recruiter is in.

LOL! I don't know if you've neglected to look up my profile or just having fun at my expense. Problem is I am a straight man.

[Euryleia]

Easer said then done...

LOL! I don't know if you've neglected to look up my profile or just having fun at my expense. Problem is I am a straight man.

Oops, so much for assumptions.

I hope you are able to find a partner to share both sex and emotional attachments.

[lily27]

I never said it was easy.

Question: I have problems having casual sex without becoming emotionally attached.
Answer: Stop having casual sex until you find someone with whom you have an emotional attachment.

The answer is incredibly easy. Actually putting it into practice is the hard part. A lot of people on here are in various stages of trying to find their "perfect" partner.

But.... if having casual sex is causing you problems... stop doing it. That part is perfectly easy.

You do know the definition of insanity?

[Zelezniy]

You do know the definition of insanity?

sure ... doing same thing and expecting different results... but difference it is a physical need, I can't just toss sex aside...
anyhow, I think I'm being selfish. I'll work it out...

[Tojo]

It might be uncommon for some men to associate sex with love, but that seems a character defect to me.

Isn't it encouraging that you at least have some feelings? Isn't that better than being a robot, unable to feel anything?

[Zelezniy]

It might be uncommon for some men to associate sex with love, but that seems a character defect to me.

Isn't it encouraging that you at least have some feelings? Isn't that better than being a robot, unable to feel anything?

Interesting. So you think it's a encuraging character flaw?

[babygirl1204]

I have never been good with "love" I always felt as tho something was missing. I took me years to find out that I will never be happy with just love I need a D/s relationship. Love is an emotion and if you have a good trusting domme that understands your needs "your" inner emotions will feed from the punishment and the sex after punishment. I guess what I'm saying is your emotions are yours, use them to love yourself first and then love with a partner will follow.

[Lady_Rynn]

This seems to be an age old problem. You're not alone in getting attached to casual partners, in my experience it boils down to one of two things...lack of self confidence or a constant desire for approval/love. I know this because I'm guilty of both aspects.

All my life I've found partners on the internet, there are 2 exeptions. The first was a friend of a friend that just did not work out and the second I met at a gig, that was more than 2 years ago now and we're still together. Looking in obscure places (admittedly a gig isn't that strange - but it was for me) sometimes pays off.

I think you should stop trying for a while, as the more you do it, the more attention you'll crave and the more rejected you'll feel if you don't get it.

[Logic1]

Yeah I am with Tojo and ObjectiveActivist here.
I am also not the guy that likes casual sex all that much. I really do love sex but I have to feel something for the girl for me to actually like it. Pretty much like sitting in an awesome car without the keys for it

[AdrianaAurora]

Well, if it’s just about sex, I suggest “No more than twice with the same guy/girl” rule. I came to realise that if you sleep with someone three or more times feelings happen. I wouldn’t classify it as love, but it’s true that a certain intimacy and possessiveness develop.

But it seems to me (and I could be way off the mark here) that through sex you are trying to find something else. And until you identify what that is you will continue to “overreact”.

One other thought, I have heard of women who react to orgasm so strongly that they are reduced to crying wrecks every time. Perhaps your reaction is something similar.

[fetishdj]

One other thought, I have heard of women who react to orgasm so strongly that they are reduced to crying wrecks every time. Perhaps your reaction is something similar.

Doesn't happen so often with men, but I agree it can happen with women. It happens when you have REALLY good sex, usually when you delay the point of orgasm for a long long time. First time I experienced it (from the side of the person inflicting the orgasm) I was worried I had done something wrong or even hurt her. It also require a high level of trust between the couple as it is also a thing that requires complete abandon by the woman.

A lot of emotions get flung around during sex and it is during this time that the attachments start to build. You could be right to say that men do not get as attached so often as women because they rarely experience such intense orgasm as they do. However, in theory, it could happen that a man could get an orgasm this intense and that could cause the crying emotion you mention. If this is the case, can you tell me the name of the woman cos she must be great in bed...

I am unsual among the men I know in that (when I was supposedly playing the field many years ago) I found it difficult to do the causal thing. The shortest one night stand I had was 2 weeks long and it only ended because I had to move city at the end of the two weeks. We had agreed when we first met that it was a one night thing and we kept up that lie all through the two weeks. Not sure what would have happened had I stayed . However, it seems from some of the posts here there are others like me and it is good to know I was not a total freak for wanting a bit of monogamy and long term committment

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I definitely agree with Tojo and Logic here. I could never play online very well with people I had no emotional attachment to. When I first met Master online He was fine with me playing with others online, since there was no real commitment between U/us in the beginning. But it was boring and pointless when it came to cybering with others online. It simply wasn't going anywhere.

Then one night Master and I had the best cybering session I have ever had. It was after W/we realized how W/we felt about each other and had this unbreakable emotional attachment. It was then that W/we realized that W/we belonged to each other IRL and set about making plans to meet in person.

[lily27]

The crying thing can come on pretty easily when you have crazy pregnancy hormones flushing through your system as well. For a while my orgasms always triggered tears, for no paticular reason at all. It was a good thing that Master understood that it just came with the territory.

[Daes]

I can't relate but I'm posting cause maybe somehow you could take something away from my response.

I'm 22 and I Rarely get attached by having sex. I tend to keep things in perspective - I'm horny, he's hard, and I feel like putting it use >.> For me it's purely physical gratification... I've had one nighters and I use the guy purely for sex because I'm in the mood and I know he won't say no >.>

<.< That sounds so bad. The way I see it, I don't spend a second thought for a man that I know I can use and I know he'll use me - the sefishness is mutual so being aware of it makes me not trust him, and when you don't trust someone you dont get attached. If someone is trustworthy and Cares about you, Really cares about you, it makes the sex much more meaningful because you know that he won't abuse that privelege.

If this is BDSM related sex than it becomes much more difficult to not get attached, this has been my experience. For me to play with someone, I have to Know them, trust them, and be attracted - generally if I have a session with someone I tend to get much more involved emotionally. So now that I don't have my bdsm play partners I am Much much more careful with who I actually play with. You have to know the other person's intentions, your own feelings for the person, and whether or not it's purely sexual or if it can become something more than that. If you realize that feelings aren't mutual, than it is usually better to stop playing and have some self control as to not allow yourself to be intimate with that person because having strong emotional connections can be reinforced through intimacy.