How has abuse affected your life in BDSM?

[fetishdj]

I can't say that abuse has affected me in anyway because I was never abused at all. I am not sure there is such a simple cause and effect relationship between childhood stimuli and adult psychology. Certainly not as simple as some may make out. The old bugbear of the the 'nature/nurture' debate rears its ugly head once more and makes anyone who has studied psychology groan as it seems to be a debate that can never be resolved. Well, not so long as many of those who insist on arguing it insist that there is an answer which satisfies one of the polar opposites.

We are all genetically predisposed to certain behaviours but we sometimes need an external, environmental stimulus to make us realise that fact. Nature and nurture conspire to create an individual who is complex and intricate and which really should not be so readily defined.

On the subject of abuse: this is a delicate subject and one which needs to be approached with sensitivity. However, I think what it does to your psychology is not so much the fact that it happened at all but rather a combination of intrinsic tendencies and how you react to it having happened.

[Polaris]

I believe that letting go is a difficult thing to do for everyone, abusive past or not. Having lived through a situation where you were betrayed possibly makes it harder to do it again, and the more often it happens the harder it gets (does that make sense?).

Firstly, I do not think that it is my past that has led me to be what I am now. It's two different things that overlap occasionally (which, I admit, stresses me out at times), but I am absolutely certain that I am not a submissive simply because of some trauma. It's hard to explain so possibly this doesn't make much sense -- it's the best I can put it. That said, past experiences influence all of us. I know the 'damaged goods' feeling all too intimately myself. Of course something that profoundly influences my life also influences everything BDSM.

I think the biggest problem -- and topic, at that -- is trust. I have some major trust issues, and although he knows about my past pretty minutely (I honestly think it's important -- I react irrationally at times) I believe it hurts him at times (although I know he understands, but it's difficult nonetheless). It's not that I don't trust him. I trust him to stay within my physical limits. I trust him to untie me before my hands fall off. I trust him to not inflict more pain than I can take. I trust him to do what's right when I don't really know what's right myself. I don't trust him emotionally, though. Not because I believe he would betray my trust. I simply can't trust anyone with my emotional safety. Letting go? Happens. Rarely. After he has been patient with me for hours and took one mini step after the other. I hope that at some point it will get better -- reconditioning myself, so to speak.

It is a bugger. I feel at times that I carry the past around with me with every step I take. I hate the fact that I won't allow myself to be as close to anyone because the last person (and only person at that) I allowed to get close to me simply...hurt me. Broke me. Damaged me beyond repair. But then I think healing is not an impossible thing to do. It's issues you can work through. I'm smarter now than I was a year ago. If this process continues, I'll maybe make it by the year 3000 But seriously, what I'm trying to say is that I believe that it is possible to re-learn to let go, to trust, to be vulnerable -- with time, and with a partner who knows and understands. Well, I hope so at least