Slothlands Academy for Girls
The Old School House
Birchingem

Headmaster: Edmund Master P(erve) Hons.


MEMO TO: Miss Marie Gonzales.


It has come to my notice that you have had extra-curricular relations with Mr Ted Stoat on the Slothlands playing field and that during said activities you became wet and muddy.

This disgusting display WILL NOT BE REPEATED unless it is recorded on CCTV. Mr Stoat is today installing a new camera system on the fields and I shall expect you to refrain from performing out there until they have been checked out.

As you have shamed yourself and allowed your clothes to become so filthy I am instructing you to be in the staff shower-room at 6:00 pm where I shall hose you down personally. I shall also being experimenting with on interesting “sponge on a stick” that the dear General (under whom you struggled to study) sent me for my last birthday. Apparently I have to attach the two cables to a 24-volt truck battery before making it wet and applying to you. Technology is a wonderful thing.

Mr Stoat will be in attendance as this was his condition under which he has leant me his battery.

Ed Master.