Originally posted by flower{J}


i don't believe that because one chooses to follow one of many sets of BDSM "rules" or guidelines that they lose their perspective or are treated any less than human. i can only speak for myself in my own relationship, but i am treated like a much treasured human. my D/s relationship is not online, it is 24/7 r/l, and it didn't start out that way. We decided to integrate some parts of BDSM into our relationship.

flower{J}
Hmmm, I hit quote, but got only the last paragraph of the message so I'll have to backtrack a bit.

These are, of course, only my own observations and conclusions based on my own experiences.

Having said that, I'll have to give all the 'guidelines' and 'rules' out there a big miss in one particular sense.

That they are out there and available for discussion is a wonderful thing, and like anything else in life, it is best to see what's available and see if it is something that appeals to you or furthers your own goals.

Sadly, what I do see is that these guidelines and rules become a SUBSTITUTE for thinking! Hence my dislike of them in general.

I suspect that many doms (and subs!) latch on to these rules as if they were handed down by the god of BDSM and the level of adherence to the rules marks one as the 'perfect' or 'best' BDSM couple.

In another thread someone mentioned collars. What is the purpose of collaring a sub?

To some, it's a reminder of 'ownership', just as an engagement ring marks a woman that way in the vanilla world. Okay, that is fine as far as it goes. But a dog collar??? Please!

What purpose is served by applying a dog collar to a human being for the purpose of marking them as yours? Ah yes, the humiliation factor. Many like to be thought of as strictly possessions, or as equal as a real dog would be to a master. This bothers me on several levels.

Now, this doesn't mean I'm totally against the idea per se. In playing erotic games that are basically mind-fucks, the idea of making someone wear a dog collar is a powerful statement but one that shouldn't be on a daily basis, shouldn't be the foundation of a relationship.

If you take the idea of collaring a slave with a dog collar to it's logical conclusion, you are in effect denying that slave any self-respect but worse, that slave, in accepting and embracing that, is declaring her own sense of self-esteem, is on par with the family pet.

Hmmm, I wonder if I'm still on topic here. LOL!

Ah yes, what to take from the cyber world to the real world.

In the cyber world, I suspect that the forms of capitilization exist because we can't see the wondefully demure faces of the subs as they lower their eyes respectfully as they speak.

Because I too am a writer, I was never asked to change my way of writing and while I may have used my name in lower case on occasion, I never could stomach that lower case 'i' except as the occasional typo!

But that is us, we decided it was not important and did nothing to further our own goals as it related to doing BDSM activities or even living in a power exchange relationship. And, my husband would never have allowed me to call another man master. *grin* Obviously we didn't hang out at any Gorean rooms for long.

BDSM_Tourguide raised a point I am interested in addressing as well -- this compulsion to appear different from 'vanilla' folks.

One of my friends is an Orthodox Jew and we often discuss religion as I'm pretty much an atheist. *grin*

While a few of their practices made sense for real reasons, most of it is designed to keep them apart from the heathens.

To purposely set themselves apart. Now why would someone feel a need to do that?

There are many reasons but one that screams out to me is a basic insecurity in general. They keep their group identity strong because they can relate to it. The group gives them limited choices so they don't have to think. They blindly follow the rules, because some higher authority said they should. Ergo, they don't have to think about how to make any moral decisions, they don't have to angst over making the right choices -- it's all done for them and if 1 million people are making the same choices, well, they can't be wrong, can they?

Interesting stuff.

I guess that boils down to the real reason the on-line BDSM culture didn't appeal to me anymore. I came in just as it was organizing into this 'group' think business, with all their slogans about safe, sane and consenual. All hogwash as far as I'm concerned. Just as you can't legislate morality, you can't keep others safe if they are too stupid to think for themselves. LOL!

What leaders of the supposed BDSM community should have done was to encourage individuals to engage their brains instead of chanting 'safe, sane, and consenual'.

We all have minds, we should get used to using them a bit. Give them some exercise! *grin*

Don't know if I'm still on topic or not, but geez this has gotten long! Sorry!

Pooka